Penthouse magazines

[Cassandra1]

Hi,

 

I am a newly wed but have been with my husband for 8 years. We recently got married and I found that he has started to (again) purchase penthouse magazines. He threw out the old ones he used to have...it was a collections of penthouse letter magazines and he had them stashed away.

 

A few weeks ago, he told me he doesn't find anything wrong with him wanting to read those penthouse letter magazine. There is pictures of woman in all sorts of positions which I don't find sexy and for me, it kind of hurts to see him get turned on by that. He says it's the story or letters that he reads in the mag but I know it's the pics of those nude big busted woman. I am very petite and do not have a very curvy body nor do I have even medium size breasts.

 

Is it normal and a guy thing for him to have this in the house? I mean I told him, it hurts me to see you read those magazines when I could dress up and do whatever you want but I guess I am not good enough.

 

Could someone please advise?

 

Thanks,

 

Cassandra

[zxcirce]

It is absolutely normal for him to find erotic magazines and Penthouse letters...um, erotic. It is in no way a reflection on you or your body or your sexual relationship.

[Green]

Yeah its normal

[LakesideDream]

Hi,

 

I am a newly wed but have been with my husband for 8 years. We recently got married and I found that he has started to (again) purchase penthouse magazines. He threw out the old ones he used to have...it was a collections of penthouse letter magazines and he had them stashed away.

 

A few weeks ago, he told me he doesn't find anything wrong with him wanting to read those penthouse letter magazine. There is pictures of woman in all sorts of positions which I don't find sexy and for me, it kind of hurts to see him get turned on by that. He says it's the story or letters that he reads in the mag but I know it's the pics of those nude big busted woman. I am very petite and do not have a very curvy body nor do I have even medium size breasts.

 

Is it normal and a guy thing for him to have this in the house? I mean I told him, it hurts me to see you read those magazines when I could dress up and do whatever you want but I guess I am not good enough.

 

Could someone please advise?

 

Thanks,

 

Cassandra

 

 

It's the same old "porno thing" in possibly it's mildest form. He shouldn't do it out of respect for you. Often it takes a very long time for men to realize and accept this, some never do.

 

Please note what I bolded in your quote above. It really isn't about what you feel like you look good at. It's about what your husband is interested in isn't it?

 

I don't believe your husband prefers the "busty" women in the magazines to you. He's been with you a long time. That's his choice. It's disturbing to read you typing that you don't feel you are "good enough". You might want to do something about those feelings. They are not healthy.

 

I wouldn't make a big deal about "Penthouse Magazines". The best that can happen is that he will resent you. The worst thing.. is disaster. Tread carefully.

 

Be assured your husband is not compairing you to the women in magazines. He's just looking at them. Ink on paper is not comparable to a real live, loving wife.

[D-D]

I think it is pretty normal. At least he is honest about it, which I think is a good thing.

 

I would maybe have a talk with him and make sure that he knows how you feel about them (if you haven't). If I was married, I'd certainly not look at porn if it made my wife uncomfortable.

[Woggle]

He is just being a normal man.

[marlena]

Heck, yeah, it's normal. Don't you get off on looking at hot pictures of men or reading "dirty" literature? As long as it it just stays in the "fantasy" sphere, I see nothing wrong with it at all.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. Is it normal and a guy thing for him to have this in the house? I mean I told him,

 

2. it hurts me to see you read those magazines when I could dress up and do whatever you want but I guess I am not good enough.

 

1. Yes

 

2. This one is twofold. While it is normal for him to do what he is doing, it is also disrespectful to continue to do it openly when you have told him that it hurts you. The least he could do is be discreet about it, I would think. If he was being discreet, and you 'busted' him - then the problem is yours, not his.

 

Your poor self image should not dictate what he does with his private masturbatory time. A man's masturbation is HIS, and his alone unless he chooses to share it with you. He does not want you to dress up. He does not want you to emulate Penthouse women. He does not want you to have bigger breasts or curves. He wants you to be you, and he wants his private fantasies to stay where they are: private. A woman should never, ever try to replace a man's fantasies and control what he can and can't think about in terms of his private sexual fantasies. It will never, ever work. All it will do is cause him to harbor resentment, and your sexual life will begin to fail. The harder you ride him about these magazines the more angry and resentful he will become, and that will cause you to be hurt, angry and resentful. You know what that means? Loss of intimacy for you both.

 

You are good enough. How you look is no reflection on what he looks at. He prefers you in real life, and he prefers to look at other types on his own time.

[marlena]

I agree 100% with LB! People deserve to indulge in their own sexual fantasies and partners should be respectful of that.

[jmargel]

Hi,

 

I am a newly wed but have been with my husband for 8 years. We recently got married and I found that he has started to (again) purchase penthouse magazines. He threw out the old ones he used to have...it was a collections of penthouse letter magazines and he had them stashed away.

 

A few weeks ago, he told me he doesn't find anything wrong with him wanting to read those penthouse letter magazine. There is pictures of woman in all sorts of positions which I don't find sexy and for me, it kind of hurts to see him get turned on by that. He says it's the story or letters that he reads in the mag but I know it's the pics of those nude big busted woman. I am very petite and do not have a very curvy body nor do I have even medium size breasts.

 

Is it normal and a guy thing for him to have this in the house? I mean I told him, it hurts me to see you read those magazines when I could dress up and do whatever you want but I guess I am not good enough.

 

Could someone please advise?

 

Thanks,

 

Cassandra

 

Cassandra, it's only a magazine! The problem here is not him viewing this stuff, it's what you think about your own self-image. Him throwing away those magazines is not going to help you improve your own self-worth and self-image.

 

What it will do is instill into him that you have a controlling personality and that you will push him either way or into the arms of a woman that is more confident of herself and will allow him to do these harmless things.

 

Besides those old penthouses were probably worth a fortune. Those older magazines can fetch a pretty penny.

[manugeorge]

1. Yes

 

2. This one is twofold. While it is normal for him to do what he is doing, it is also disrespectful to continue to do it openly when you have told him that it hurts you. The least he could do is be discreet about it, I would think. If he was being discreet, and you 'busted' him - then the problem is yours, not his.

 

Your poor self image should not dictate what he does with his private masturbatory time. A man's masturbation is HIS, and his alone unless he chooses to share it with you. He does not want you to dress up. He does not want you to emulate Penthouse women. He does not want you to have bigger breasts or curves. He wants you to be you, and he wants his private fantasies to stay where they are: private. A woman should never, ever try to replace a man's fantasies and control what he can and can't think about in terms of his private sexual fantasies. It will never, ever work. All it will do is cause him to harbor resentment, and your sexual life will begin to fail. The harder you ride him about these magazines the more angry and resentful he will become, and that will cause you to be hurt, angry and resentful. You know what that means? Loss of intimacy for you both.

 

You are good enough. How you look is no reflection on what he looks at. He prefers you in real life, and he prefers to look at other types on his own time.

 

Very smart post and hits the nail on the head. Cassandra, you should listen to this. The fact that your husband finds some woman in a magazine attractive doesn't mean he finds you less attractive. And the fact that you are not busty or curvy doesn't mean you are not attractive so please don't sell yourself short for some penthouse chick. There are a ton of different body types and most of them are attractive in their own right.

 

I am also petite, can't even fill an A cup, let me tell you. My boyfriend enjoys porn but yet always tells me he adores my body just the way it is. Matter of fact, I still heard that this morning after a particularly great lovemaking session.

[blair08]

Even if it is "normal"if it is an issue that bothers you, it will need to be something that is delt with now, if not it will still be an issue later on down the road. Being on the same page and sharing the same views on certain things is a plus. If not it sometimes can cause conflict.

[soserious1]

1. Yes

 

2. This one is twofold. While it is normal for him to do what he is doing, it is also disrespectful to continue to do it openly when you have told him that it hurts you. The least he could do is be discreet about it, I would think. If he was being discreet, and you 'busted' him - then the problem is yours, not his.

 

Your poor self image should not dictate what he does with his private masturbatory time. A man's masturbation is HIS, and his alone unless he chooses to share it with you. He does not want you to dress up. He does not want you to emulate Penthouse women. He does not want you to have bigger breasts or curves. He wants you to be you, and he wants his private fantasies to stay where they are: private. A woman should never, ever try to replace a man's fantasies and control what he can and can't think about in terms of his private sexual fantasies. It will never, ever work. All it will do is cause him to harbor resentment, and your sexual life will begin to fail. The harder you ride him about these magazines the more angry and resentful he will become, and that will cause you to be hurt, angry and resentful. You know what that means? Loss of intimacy for you both.

 

You are good enough. How you look is no reflection on what he looks at. He prefers you in real life, and he prefers to look at other types on his own time.

 

Totally NOT true from where I sit, I was point blank flat out told that I was indeed "settled" for, that any "intimacy" between us occured purely out of marital obligation, having sex with me was just another distasteful chore,much like cleaning the toilet.

 

I advise the OP to not talk about the magazines anymore but to simply accept that she's been settled for.. he wants those busty babes,he just couldn't muster up what it takes to get one so he figured that he'll settle

for you for now. You've got a couple warm,moist holes, you undoubtedly cook and clean and if you've got a decent job you're increasing the standard of living ,he can suck it all up till somebody he likes better strolls by.

[Mr. Lucky]

Your poor self image should not dictate what he does with his private masturbatory time. A man's masturbation is HIS, and his alone unless he chooses to share it with you. He does not want you to dress up. He does not want you to emulate Penthouse women. He does not want you to have bigger breasts or curves. He wants you to be you, and he wants his private fantasies to stay where they are: private. A woman should never, ever try to replace a man's fantasies and control what he can and can't think about in terms of his private sexual fantasies. It will never, ever work. All it will do is cause him to harbor resentment, and your sexual life will begin to fail. The harder you ride him about these magazines the more angry and resentful he will become, and that will cause you to be hurt, angry and resentful. You know what that means? Loss of intimacy for you both.

 

You are good enough. How you look is no reflection on what he looks at. He prefers you in real life, and he prefers to look at other types on his own time.

Are you sure you weren't a man in a former life ??? You understand us way too well...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LucreziaBorgia]

Totally NOT true from where I sit, I was point blank flat out told that I was indeed "settled" for, that any "intimacy" between us occured purely out of marital obligation, having sex with me was just another distasteful chore,much like cleaning the toilet.

 

Not all men are like the one who told you this. A man looking at erotic material on his own time is not the same as a man who does it and takes the opportunity to use it as an excuse to verbally abuse someone like this man did to you.

 

I hope you aren't still married to this person. If someone told me something like that, I'd have to take up the distasteful chore of initiating a divorce.

[Ruby Slippers]

This is a longstanding female/male debate, and you will find hundreds of threads and discussions on the topic here (do a search on "porn"). Your feelings are quite normal. They can be compared to the unpleasant feelings many men feel during "retroactive jealousy". (You can search on that, too, if you're curious.)

 

To the other gender, in both cases the feelings are irrational, and the source of them is absolutely no threat. But we are humans, with certain wiring that triggers feelings in certain situations. People will tell you, or the retroactively jealous guy, that you are "insecure". But I say your feelings are quite normal and natural, and you are certainly not the first woman (with perfectly intact self-esteem) to feel them.

 

Most women do not want to know that their man thinks about other women in a sexual way, even though most men admit they do. Likewise, many men do not want to think about the fact that their woman ever enjoyed sex with other men, though most of them have.

 

I have no answers for you, but I did want to offer a few points to consider.

[Jersey Shortie]

I think it's normal but it doesn't mean it's right.

 

 

Be assured your husband is not compairing you to the women in magazines. He's just looking at them. Ink on paper is not comparable to a real live, loving wife.

 

I think if we are honest here, you have to admit that you have no clue if her husband is comparing her to these women are not. Neither do you have any clue if he is thinking about these women while he is intimate with her. It's unfair to give her such false security when you couldn't possibly know what is going on in his head. And on some level, it's obvious that ink on paper is pretty comparable to a real life loving woman because so many men use ink on paper or computer images on the screen interchangably with their sexual relationship with thier loving partner.

 

He does not want you to dress up. He does not want you to emulate Penthouse women. He does not want you to have bigger breasts or curves. He wants you to be you, and he wants his private fantasies to stay where they are: private.

 

Again, giving her feel good re-enforcement that is pro-porn doesn't really help her. You couldn't possibly know hf he does or doesn't want her to be more like Penthouse women.

 

A woman should never, ever try to replace a man's fantasies and control what he can and can't think about in terms of his private sexual fantasies. It will never, ever work. All it will do is cause him to harbor resentment, and your sexual life will begin to fail. The harder you ride him about these magazines the more angry and resentful he will become, and that will cause you to be hurt, angry and resentful. You know what that means? Loss of intimacy for you both.

 

Okay, I get that. But how come we are only concerned with the resentment he would build for her issues with his porn? I think many women build resentment about their man's porn use and it causes women to be hurt, angry and resentful and feel less close and a loss of intimacy with their partner. Just as a man can feel. Why does she need to be more sensitive to this when it's clear he doesn't care to be sensitive to her. We tell women to just get over it, it's not about you, he needs porn to be happy, accept it and deal with it or he will end up hating you, he will build resentment toward you..and so on. But what about the resentment he is causing in her for his porn use?

 

You are good enough. How you look is no reflection on what he looks at. He prefers you in real life, and he prefers to look at other types on his own time.

 

That isn't a statement you can make. You can't possibly know what he wants or is thinking.

[Mr. Lucky]

That isn't a statement you can make. You can't possibly know what he wants or is thinking.

I wonder Jersey, do you consider any image to which a man masturbates to be pornagraphic?

 

Mr. Lucky

[LakesideDream]

If Penthouse is porn... mind you I haven't picked up one in maybe 14 years, the what exactly ISNT porn?

 

Is the Sports Illustrated Swim Suit edition porn?

 

Is Maxxum magazine porn?

 

Is a day at a popular beach porn?

 

Is an evening at a nightculb porn?

 

How about looking through your own photo album... are pictures of you and a much younger spouse pornographic, gasp at a swim party maybe? Surely that's porn.

 

And lest we leave out the fair sex.

 

Was Playgirl Porn?

 

How about Romance novels?

 

When a definition becomes generalized, isn't it equally normalized?

[lonelyandfrustrated]

It's the letters he enjoys? Over the pictures?

 

Erotica is a pretty big market, and I'm sure you could find some erotic literature that will ring his bell without the two-page color, erm, spreads. Would that be a compromise that you two could work out?

 

Do you think he'd fall over himself to slather you with kisses if your next gift to him was the new edition of The Best of American Erotica, 15th edition, edited by Susie Bright? You could even read it to him, if you think you'd be up to that.

[HokeyReligions]

Apparently men have been justifying it to women for so many generations that women have come to accept it no matter how much it hurts.

 

Its no different than the women that stay in abusive relationships only the bruises are on the inside and there is no law against emotional abuse.

 

Either accept it and bear your pain like millions of others have or leave him and bear a different pain. You are a woman in a man's world. Your feelings do not matter to them in the greater scheme of things. Get used to your place in his priorities.

 

I didn't read all the replies but I'll bet somewhere in there someone said something to the effect of "its a guy thing and it doesn't mean anything, it's harmless, get over it and learn to enjoy it"

 

My reply is why doesn't the guy accept that emotional pain is a girl thing, it DOES mean something and why doesn't he get over it and not do it anymore. The reason is as stated above - they don't care and will not give up anything because they don't have to.

[Jennifer26]

Well said Hokey!

 

As I said in a different thread on the subject of porn - Yes, men are wired to want to "spread their seed" and will of course find more than one woman attractive. No one is faulting men for this.

 

We have higher reasoning, we're not cavemen. There are many instances in modern times where mother nature works against us. For example: with food. We're set up to want to store up a little fat in case of famine, and especially for women when they're breastfeeding. But we know in modern times there is an abundance of food and we actually need to restrict ourselves and eat only what our bodies need. As you can see from the obesity levels in many western countries, people have a hard time doing so and it is to their detriment.

 

We need to have willpower and use our higher reasoning in order to not become obese.

 

Pornography is just a way of indulging this. We choose to have one partner, it isn't forced onto us. If you want to sleep with dozens of women that is your prerogative and men are entitled to stay a bachelor for as long as they like.

 

But when YOU choose to spend your life with one woman, I think you should commit to her mind, body and soul. And to me that means not indulging yourself in the fantasy of sleeping with thousands of porn stars. Of course you're still going to notice women here and there and find them attractive, and obviously you can't shut down that part of your mind entirely. But I am tired of the excuse that this is just how men are wired and we women need to deal with it.

[Jersey Shortie]

Either accept it and bear your pain like millions of others have or leave him and bear a different pain. You are a woman in a man's world. Your feelings do not matter to them in the greater scheme of things. Get used to your place in his priorities.

 

I didn't read all the replies but I'll bet somewhere in there someone said something to the effect of "its a guy thing and it doesn't mean anything, it's harmless, get over it and learn to enjoy it"

 

My reply is why doesn't the guy accept that emotional pain is a girl thing, it DOES mean something and why doesn't he get over it and not do it anymore. The reason is as stated above - they don't care and will not give up anything because they don't have to.

 

 

Well said, I agree.

 

At the end of the day it still is a man's world and we aren't important enough to them to care about how things effect us.

[manugeorge]

Well said Hokey!

 

We have higher reasoning, we're not cavemen. There are many instances in modern times where mother nature works against us. For example: with food. We're set up to want to store up a little fat in case of famine, and especially for women when they're breastfeeding. But we know in modern times there is an abundance of food and we actually need to restrict ourselves and eat only what our bodies need. As you can see from the obesity levels in many western countries, people have a hard time doing so and it is to their detriment.

 

We need to have willpower and use our higher reasoning in order to not become obese.

 

 

This is actually a good analogy. But where it falters is that we still eat and store up fat which then converts to energy blah blah blah. We use self control and try not to overeat which is smart but we don't completely starve ourselves.

 

Men are wired to look fantasize about other women but using self control and not over indulging is the smart way to go. To me, penthouse magazines is probably one of the mildest forms of porn, the pinups don't even move, much less engage in sexual intercourse and if men use it as a form of erotica in moderation, women should try not to begrudge them that.

 

There are certain things that women are also wired to do like yap on about "feelings", "romance", etc. Most men are not wired for this but they humor women and give in sometimes.

[Jennifer26]

This is actually a good analogy. But where it falters is that we still eat and store up fat which then converts to energy blah blah blah. We use self control and try not to overeat which is smart but we don't completely starve ourselves.

 

Men are wired to look fantasize about other women but using self control and not over indulging is the smart way to go. To me, penthouse magazines is probably one of the mildest forms of porn, the pinups don't even move, much less engage in sexual intercourse and if men use it as a form of erotica in moderation, women should try not to begrudge them that.

 

There are certain things that women are also wired to do like yap on about "feelings", "romance", etc. Most men are not wired for this but they humor women and give in sometimes.

 

It's not a perfect analogy, but the point is that we can choose how we're going to behave.

 

Another thing is our fight or flight instincts. Many times we have to consciously ignore these instincts in modern times.

 

We can't use every instinctual urge as an excuse for our behavior. We're not apes, we have the capacity to overcome some of these urges and if we don't in many cases it will be to our detriment.

 

And no one is even saying men have to do this. But then don't commit yourself into a monogamous relationship with a woman if it is too hard. So many men want to have their cake and eat it too. I hope more and more women will put their foot down to this, especially in these times when online pornography has taken things to entirely new and extreme levels.