Penthouse magazines

[manugeorge]

It's not a perfect analogy, but the point is that we can choose how we're going to behave.

 

Another thing is our fight or flight instincts. Many times we have to consciously ignore these instincts in modern times.

 

We can't use every instinctual urge as an excuse for our behavior. We're not apes, we have the capacity to overcome some of these urges and if we don't in many cases it will be to our detriment.

 

And no one is even saying men have to do this. But then don't commit yourself into a monogamous relationship with a woman if it is too hard. So many men want to have their cake and eat it too. I hope more and more women will put their foot down to this, especially in these times when online pornography has taken things to entirely new and extreme levels.

 

I actually think that excuse of "it's men's natural instinct" is kind of lame. And men need to stand by their choices if they don't see anything wrong with looking at penthouse magazines. A mere, it's something I enjoy is simple, straight to the point and makes more sense. Men that can seperate these fantasies from reality get a pass in my book. Sure he can look at pictures of naked women but he shouldn't let that affect his relationship.

 

I personally don't see anything wrong with looking at pictures or even dabbling in mild, run-of-the-mill pornography. It is something that has never phased me as a woman or has ever made me feel threatened in any relationship. I look just as good as those women if I may say so myself, but more importantly I feel good.

[Jennifer26]

I used to feel similarly, manugeorge. Until I married a man who is literally addicted to pornography.

 

I probably would have scoffed at the term pornography addiction years ago.

 

But I know his case is not true for all men. Some can do it in moderation, and if his wife is comfortable with that then I see no harm.

 

However, for those women out there who are upset by it and to be told repeatedly it is just in men's nature and to accept it - it pisses me off. I don't think women just need to "accept it" I think men need to stop the behavior that is causing their spouse grief and stop making excuses, or leave the relationship and pursue one with a woman who is okay with it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I used to feel similarly, manugeorge. Until I married a man who is literally addicted to pornography.

So if we were discussing the merits of different Cabernet Sauvignon vintages, your alcoholic husband would make you feel that the discussion was inappropriate? I'm not sure what his unfortunate addiction has to do with the topic...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jennifer26]

So if we were discussing the merits of different Cabernet Sauvignon vintages, your alcoholic husband would make you feel that the discussion was inappropriate? I'm not sure what his unfortunate addiction has to do with the topic...

 

Mr. Lucky

I think I clarified this later on in my post, Mr. Lucky.

[manugeorge]

However, for those women out there who are upset by it and to be told repeatedly it is just in men's nature and to accept it - it pisses me off. I don't think women just need to "accept it" I think men need to stop the behavior that is causing their spouse grief and stop making excuses, or leave the relationship and pursue one with a woman who is okay with it.

 

Men are indeed guilty of saying "just get over it", especially with this porn issue and that's not right.

 

I do fault any man or woman that flippantly dismisses their spouse's concern or pain over ANYTHING.

 

But instead of just saying a man should just stop doing something he enjoys just because his wife has a problem, perhaps a candid discussion and compromise can be reached, you know, because it is a marriage.

 

Many women do have a problem with pornography, even mild usage, and may women have different reasons for this dislike. I think men should listen to and consider these reasons carefully and then both parties can make a joint decision/compromise from there.

 

Saying "just stop doing it" and "get over it" doesn't help either party and only breeds resentment.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think men need to stop the behavior that is causing their spouse grief and stop making excuses, or leave the relationship and pursue one with a woman who is okay with it.

Would you say the same to any man whose wife found reasons to only have sex 2-3 times a month ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[norajane]

BOTH men and women masturbate. I wouldn't want my guy telling me what I can and can't fantasize about when I masturbate, and I wouldn't presume to tell him what he can and can't do while he's masturbating.

 

I don't feel threatened or upset if he looks at pictures or erotic text or pixels in order to facilitate his masturbation, and I would hope he wouldn't feel threatened by my imagination and fantasies either.

 

I really see no difference.

[Jennifer26]

Would you say the same to any man whose wife found reasons to only have sex 2-3 times a month ???

 

Mr. Lucky

If he communicates to her a strong need for more sex, and she tells him to "get over it" - then yes, I would.

 

For me, I could never be happy only having sex twice a month. Some couples go even longer than that and often one party is miserable.

 

Maybe they could reach a compromise where she would be okay with him viewing pornography to masturbate since her need for sex is far less than his. Maybe she could find out why her need for sex is so little and work at solving it.

 

I'm not saying people need to throw in the towel whenever there is a disagreement. Sometimes compromises can be made.

 

However, for women out there who feel emotional pain over their husbands lusting after other women - how do you compromise? Maybe some can. But if it hurts you when he does it, is doing it less really going to make much difference?

 

I don't know the answers to all of these questions. I do know if my husband had not abused pornography to the extent he has I would have been okay with him doing it here and there. But that is just my personal feelings. Other women will probably never be okay with it, and I think it is wrong to just expect in these cases they bend to something they find incredibly hurtful.

[Mr. Lucky]

If he communicates to her a strong need for more sex, and she tells him to "get over it" - then yes, I would.

Well, the advice that the man often receives is that he should better learn his wife's "languages of love" and try to achieve a better understanding of her sexuality and libido. He should romance her and attempt to seduce her, because that's what women respond to. All good advice, by the way.

 

When the subject of porn comes up, do women accept a similar responsibility to understand a man's sexuality and libido?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Hyperpen12000]

If everything you do in your free time hurts your mate feelings, then he or she is not the one for you. If reading erotic magazines, playing poker or Madden brings your wife/GF discomfort, even when she's not around, you might as well call it quits. That's just too much control.

 

 

 

Q: Isn't giving in to your mates needs and wants submissiveness???????????

[Cassandra1]

Thanks for all posts. Having read all the posts, the majority of you don't think it is such a big deal if your husband looks at porn.

 

I guess my feelings about this stems from the fact that he has always criticized me about my physical appearance. He 'teases' me about how flat my butt is, and how my stomach should be more flat and how short I am.

 

All of this teasing over the 8 years have taken somewhat of a toll on me. I do consider myself to be fairly attractive despite his criticisms. That is why I feel so hurt because I know I can't ever look like those women in the magazines (porn).

 

I did suggest that I get some erotic literature and he could read because he says that it is the readings in the magazine that he enjoys alot and not so much the pictures, but when i did suggest that he said no.... and that I was trying to control him.

 

WHAT i don't understand is why does he need to fantasize? does he want to replace those me with those magazines. Does he only want to masterbate now that he has those magazines and doesn't feel the need to have real intimacy with me???

 

Our sex life isn't too regular. If I am lucky, it would be once a week that we have sex. Sometimes, its just once every two weeks.

 

So...I am hurt by this. Emotionally I feel like I don't do it for him. Like he is bored with my body, my looks and me!!???

 

Do you all think I have a point here?

[Mr. Lucky]

So...I am hurt by this. Emotionally I feel like I don't do it for him. Like he is bored with my body, my looks and me!!???

 

Do you all think I have a point here?

Yes, you do have a point and no, I don't think it has anything to do with porn. If you cancel his magazine subscription, do you think that alone would fix the issues between you?

 

What does he say when (and if) you talk to him about the disconnect you feel?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lovelybird]

Q: Isn't giving in to your mates needs and wants submissiveness???????????

submissiveness doesn't apply here at all

 

should woman be submissive to her husband's abuse? emotional abuse?

[c-riouz]

When the subject of porn comes up, do women accept a similar responsibility to understand a man's sexuality and libido?

You seem to conveniently ignore that porn is NOT a need. Sex yeah, masturbation yeah, but porn is not. You could just get off without it. Why not just making yourself comfortable and think about your wife / girlfriend? If you feel the need to look at or think / fantasize about other women, don't get into a relationship with ONE woman. Why is masturbation always connected with porn anyway? I wonder how people got off in former times before porn was so prevalent. I'm sure they managed to get off just fine without suffering from "blue balls", so the use of porn in the same sentence or context as a "need" is just a pathetic attempt of an excuse. And Cassandra, what he does is just plain disrespectful. I would kick him to the curb but I am not you, so start "teasing" him too (about i.e. his lack of a sixpack, his small d*** etc.) and see how he likes it...some people just need a taste of their own medicine...

[Mr. Lucky]

You seem to conveniently ignore that porn is NOT a need. Sex yeah, masturbation yeah, but porn is not. You could just get off without it. Why not just making yourself comfortable and think about your wife / girlfriend?

c-riouz, you're right. I could run a bubble bath, put on some soft music, a dab of my favorite cologne behind each ear, light a few candles and think about my wife. I don't know why that option has never occurred to me...

 

You seem to conveniently ignore the fact that for the wives of many posters, sex also doesn't seem to be a need. Again, my question remains - if the advice given to some men is that they need to understand women better, why don't some women accept the same challenge?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lovelybird]

c-riouz, you're right. I could run a bubble bath, put on some soft music, a dab of my favorite cologne behind each ear, light a few candles and think about my wife. I don't know why that option has never occurred to me...

 

you finally got it

 

Better understanding for opposite sex is good, but do you seek better understanding towards affair? towards kill and steal? Lust after other women is like these, should not be understood, but corrected

[norajane]

I guess my feelings about this stems from the fact that he has always criticized me about my physical appearance. He 'teases' me about how flat my butt is, and how my stomach should be more flat and how short I am.

 

All of this teasing over the 8 years have taken somewhat of a toll on me. I do consider myself to be fairly attractive despite his criticisms.

 

I'm very sorry, but THAT is your biggest problem right there. You married a man who makes fun of how you look, and has been doing it during your entire relationship. Why would you EVER make a lifetime commitment to a man who makes you feel like that??

 

Of course him looking at pictures of other women is going to hurt when you are ALREADY carrying around 8 years of hurt for being belittled by this man. Even if he completely stopped looking at porn, your hurt would not end nor go away...because you married a man who belittles you.

[Jersey Shortie]

We can't use every instinctual urge as an excuse for our behavior. We're not apes, we have the capacity to overcome some of these urges and if we don't in many cases it will be to our detriment.

 

And no one is even saying men have to do this. But then don't commit yourself into a monogamous relationship with a woman if it is too hard. So many men want to have their cake and eat it too. I hope more and more women will put their foot down to this, especially in these times when online pornography has taken things to entirely new and extreme levels.

 

I have to agree. The natural urges men have I understand. The unwillingness not to use any self control in this matter is what is hard to respect about men.

 

 

When the subject of porn comes up, do women accept a similar responsibility to understand a man's sexuality and libido?

 

I don't understand men's sexuality or libido as much as I would like to think I do. But I try to. I try to make an effort to be an engaging partner that works at meeting his needs. When it comes to something like porn, why do I have to be understanding about an activity that is about replacing me, even for the few minutes or hour he is looking at porn, for another woman? Or an activity that doesn't even treat women very nicely or sets such unrealistic standards of female beauty that most women don't measure up to. Men don't compare their women to these women in the videos. At least that's what men say. But men's heads still turn and their tongues stick out for very hot women with big fake boobs and perfect bodies who are no older then 21. How you expect your wife/gf to not compare her body to what men are seeking out and getting turned on is unfair. How you expect to disconnect the two isn't how women work. Maybe yo uthink women aren't respecting men's desire and libidos but it doesn't look like men are either in the same regard.

[Delly678]

I agree that both men and women should try to understand each other more on a sexual level. However, there are some men and women out there that do understand. In the case of porn, I can say that I need a visual stimulation in order to get excited. That is how most men I know work as well. It should not be a replacement for your spouse however. This is unfortunately how I am using it right now because of my own issues with my relationship and finding my girlfriend unattractive. However, some men find pictures of women more exciting than the real thing (believe it or not). You could try to take sexy photographs of yourself to give to him for when you are not around so he can have something to stimulate him without the feeling of "replacement".

[Mr. Lucky]

When it comes to something like porn, why do I have to be understanding about an activity that is about replacing me, even for the few minutes or hour he is looking at porn, for another woman?

You may say that you try, but this statement would indicate that you are to this point unsuccessful in meeting the challenge of understanding a man's sexuality and libido ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jersey Shortie]

However, some men find pictures of women more exciting than the real thing (believe it or not).

 

I think some women actually understand that could be a real possiblity and it naturally hurts them.

 

 

You may say that you try, but this statement would indicate that you are to this point unsuccessful in meeting the challenge of understanding a man's sexuality and libido ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I never claimed I completely understood it Mr. Lucky. I said I try to. And I do try to work with my partner to please him. I like making my partner happy. I like giving him pleasure. I don't want to take anything away from him. But I don't want to feel like something is being taken away from me either. ANd I feel that porn takes something away.

[Hyperpen12000]

submissiveness doesn't apply here at all

 

should woman be submissive to her husband's abuse? emotional abuse?

 

Yes it does.

 

What are you talking about??? What you're saying doesn't belong here at all. Emotional abuse?????:confused::confused:

[Dark-N-Romantic]

While I can understand some of the pain and insecurities that comes from porn that many women and men have, but this issue runs across the whole board with ALL forms of fantasy. There is something we wish to experience in life that we normal can't. This is why we read, watch, or listen to the things we do. Can some take it too far? Yes. But, we are talking about normal things people do to make life even much more bearable. As a matter of fact, if it were not for fantasies, we would be some very bored and miserable creatures. Things would be so mundane and stale all the time. If it were not for fantasies, we would not have the things we have now or the things that will soon come into existence.

 

Now to be harsh and real... Maybe if some men and women would be a freak in the bedroom, I mean like some of the women in the porn movies or stories, maybe the man or woman who need to turn to porn to fulfill that side will be less inclined to turn to other things like porn. Just like if some men would be more sensitive, romantic, and heroic like the guy on the soaps or in romance novels, maybe the woman would not need such things as much. But, this is the truth, we can't be all these things. And we should happy that when they come from their fantasies, they are coming home to us. That our partner loves us.

 

We need to be honest with ourselves, we can't be everything our partner wants. While we do lose ourselves to our partner, we don't forget that we are still individual beings and that sometimes ourselves have to kept alive for it is ourselves that make up the other half of the relationship. And vice versa, we can't expect our partner to completely lose their individuality for it was their individuality that we fell in love with.

 

Yes, porn, like anything else can be an issue in any relationship if it is used to replace or distort the reality of the partner. When the partner is reduced to just an object, then this is when things should be taken seriously. When it is obvious that this person's actions are truly disrespectful or harmful to others and/or themselves, then yes, one should be upset and concerned.

 

Now my suggestion to anyone with any issues of insecurities about things like porn... Make sure your life is perfect and you are not doing things just for you that your spouse may not like. And just because they don't say anything about does not mean it is not an issue with them.

 

 

DNR

[Lovelybird]

Yes it does.

 

What are you talking about??? What you're saying doesn't belong here at all. Emotional abuse?????:confused::confused:

Yes, emotional abuse. If a husband lust after other women and ignore her, it is emotional abuse. When it is emotional abuse, women should not just be submissive to that

[Lizzie60]

Hi,

 

I am a newly wed but have been with my husband for 8 years. We recently got married and I found that he has started to (again) purchase penthouse magazines. He threw out the old ones he used to have...it was a collections of penthouse letter magazines and he had them stashed away.

 

A few weeks ago, he told me he doesn't find anything wrong with him wanting to read those penthouse letter magazine. There is pictures of woman in all sorts of positions which I don't find sexy and for me, it kind of hurts to see him get turned on by that. He says it's the story or letters that he reads in the mag but I know it's the pics of those nude big busted woman. I am very petite and do not have a very curvy body nor do I have even medium size breasts.

 

Is it normal and a guy thing for him to have this in the house? I mean I told him, it hurts me to see you read those magazines when I could dress up and do whatever you want but I guess I am not good enough.

 

Could someone please advise?

 

Thanks,

 

Cassandra

 

I think this is normal.. most men love these magazines.. most men are visual and love to see women with large breasts... and lingerie..

 

This has nothing to do with you.. and for your own sake, I think you should just leave him alone.. your jealousy will drive him crazy and away from you...

 

Just let them enjoy his magazines.. it's better than actually going to strip clubs to see the real thing... plus erotic literature is very arousing.. you should read them too..