should i worry about my GF's old flame?

[kevg]

this is my first time here so please be patient with me. i'm REALLY worried about one my GF's old flames. it's kind of a long story so i'll try to be brief and hit the main points. so you know, my GF and I have been together for a year, are planning to get married in a year or so.

 

in Janurary of this year my GF and I planned a trip to San Jose, CA in March for me to attend a conference. I knew she had freinds in the area that she hadn't seen or talked to in years (1 male & 1 female who have been together for 5 years) and we thought it would be a great opportunity for her to catch up. well, as our planning progressed, she began to talk more and more about the guy and how she just cant wait to see him. she even went so far as to say she may spend most of her time with him while we were there since she'd be vacationing and id be at a conference. there came a few days where i thought that i may not go to the conference and she bluntly and very coldly told me that she may still go cuz she wanted to see him. eventually i got my things in order and i was again set to go to CA. she continued to talk glowingly about him so i asked what exactly her relationship with this guy was. over the course of a few days and having to ask and re-ask questions she told me that they were great freinds in college and had slept togehter. after finding this out i told her i was not at all comfortable with with either of us seeing them during the trip and was extremely upset that she would put me in a sutuation where i was unknowingly hanging out with someone she used to sleep with and his new GF. she said that since i was uncomfortable she would not have any contact with them from that point forward. welp......long story short, we went to San Jose and we did not see or talk to them at all...and honestly i was just fine with that.

 

now....here's my problem. it is VERY possible that my best opportunity to get into an industry i have spent 2 years of grad school studying for will be in San Jose, CA! im now worred that, if we move out there, she'll want to re-establish contact with them. i recently told her my concerns and she assured me that she has not had any contact with either of them and would not contact them if we moved there. i'm sure that this is more me just being very insecure and assuming the worst but i dont know what to do. do i miss out on a great job opportunity just cuz it's located in the same city this guy or do we move and i spend my days worrying that she may want to contact them? so you all know, at this point this is only a possbiblity that may not even happen for 6 months to a year and i'm worrying about the worst possible scenario.

 

if ANYONE could give me some advice on this it would be so greatly appreciated.

[Thor]

Well, should you worry or not. It depends on your relationship with your GF and your own insecurities (if any). Do you have a secure relationship? Secure meaning that you both love each other immensely, respect each other to a fault, and that you trust one another regardless of any situation. And are you comfortable with your own short comings. Is she comfortable with them as well? If the answer is "yes" to all of these then you shouldn't need to worry about a thing. If there is a "no" among these then you'll probably be the type that will worry.

 

Bottom line is that you need to make that determination yourself because only you and your GF truly know where your relationship stands. If I had a "yes" to all of the above then I would probably take the job in San Jose even though it's located in California <sarcasm>. Your GF will do whatever she will do as she's her own person. Just the same, you are your own person too! I'm sure whichever choice you decide upon will be the best choice for you at that time. And this next part is soooo cliche, but whatever is meant to be will be.

[bryanp]

Hello,

 

This is just my suggestion but I would take the job immediately but certainly do not marry her for at least in another year. I would think that within a year period she may contact that person behind your back. If this is the case then tell her to go packing. You will have an excellent job and will meet many people in your future. If she is serious then she will not contact that person.

It is funny but I bet if the roles were reversed she would have a different opinion. How do you think she would have reacted if you had said we are going to stop and spend a couple of days with a former lover of mind and she is so terrific that I just want to catch and hang with her. I don't blame you one bit. In short, take the job but do not marry her for at least a year. My bet is that she will probably contact the guy. I wish you luck.

[Skylark_Mesa]

My girl is the same, wants to be able to stay "friends" with all the people she's dated, and expects me to just accept it. In my opinion that is the biggest sign of weakness, the inability to let go of previous relationships. I'm hardly friends with anyone I've dated/slept with because there are simply too many confusing emotions involved. She likes to go see her ex-bf's (most recent ex might I add) band play and expects to be able to do that without me getting weird about it. I could swear she even tries to do it when we are in a tiss because she knows it will piss me off, but that could just be me reading too much into it. I would SO love to turn it around on her and bring her around some girls that I have slept with. That's what I am going to have to do to get it through her thick skull. Some people just have no concept of empathy whatsoever... oh well.. Don't let her trick you, watch your back and be careful!!!

[kevg]

thanks for the input guys. i may take skylark's advice and try to flip the situation in hopes she'll better understand where i'm coming from. do any of the women have any suggestions?