daisypicker Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 I am a married woman about halfway through grad school who has an unhealthy attraction to one of the guys in my research group. I believe this man has feelings for me as well but I don't think he actually wants anything to develop between us. We work in the same office, about two desks apart, so there is no avoiding seeing him every day. We are pretty good friends (in the office) and this is becoming a problem for me. I know I can resist having a physical affair with this man, but suffice it to say that this situation is affecting my marriage and my work. About once a week I determine to avoid contact as much as I can, but then he will come to me (nothing unusual - we are friends) to talk or whatever and I lose all resolve; soon I am seeking him out. I am considering telling him that it is too difficult for me to be friends with him. Sort of burning a bridge if you will. Telling him I do not want a personal relationship of any kind. Of course, this is an intimate confession to make to a coworker and I don't want things to be so awkward we can't work together. Still, he must already suspect my feelings because I have a very physical response to his presence (blushing, smiling uncontrollably, etc.) that goes beyond flirting. Is this a crazy thing to do? It seems to make sense to me but then I know that I am full of irrational feelings and thoughts about this man. Am I subconsciously trying to confess my love or will this really push him away? He is out of town right now but comes back in less than a week. I change my mind about doing this every day. Does anybody have a similar experience or have some advice? Things need to change, I am just unsure how to bring this about. One other point - I would say that I am a social butterfly in our research group (16 people or so), friends with everybody, but that I am one of the few at-work friends for this man. Not that he is shy, I just don't think he likes very many people in the group. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 I have a very physical response to his presence (blushing, smiling uncontrollably, etc.) Am I subconsciously trying to confess my love or will this really push him away? Yeah, it sounds like you want to move things forward in a way. But if you confess expect things to get pretty awkward at work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisypicker Posted August 28, 2008 Author Share Posted August 28, 2008 Yeah, it sounds like you want to move things forward in a way. But if you confess expect things to get pretty awkward at work. Sigh. The awkward I can deal with but I don't want to escalate the relationship. I just don't know what to do. I feel like an emotional wreck. Link to post Share on other sites
SnapCracklePop Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 How long have you known this guy for? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 The LAST thing you should be doing is confessing anything or saying anything to him about your attraction, even if to say you can't be friends. KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. And the first thing you should be doing is looking at the source of your problem: your marriage. Many people become attracted to other people even after they commit to a relationship. If they are in a healthy relationship, however, they do not ACT on those attractions, and they do not allow the attraction to get anywhere beyond acknowledging (to themselves) that it's there. Eventually, it passes. However, if there is something in your marriage that is not fulfilling or is creating distance between you and your husband, you are far more likely to entertain thoughts of DOING something about your attraction, and that will get ugly. So give some thought to what is going on between you and your husband that you have allowed an idle and passing attraction to capture your imagination and take hold. And then work on fixing your relationship with your husband so you aren't tempted by this co-worker. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 keep your actions and words within the boundaries of a married woman. would you want your husband doing this to another gal in his office? respect your position as a wife. treat him as a person that is there to get work done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisypicker Posted August 28, 2008 Author Share Posted August 28, 2008 How long have you known this guy for? A little under a year. Link to post Share on other sites
SnapCracklePop Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 A little under a year. Did you two become friends rather quickly? Seemed like over night you knew this person with so much in common? Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisypicker Posted August 28, 2008 Author Share Posted August 28, 2008 The LAST thing you should be doing is confessing anything or saying anything to him about your attraction, even if to say you can't be friends. KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. And the first thing you should be doing is looking at the source of your problem: your marriage. Many people become attracted to other people even after they commit to a relationship. If they are in a healthy relationship, however, they do not ACT on those attractions, and they do not allow the attraction to get anywhere beyond acknowledging (to themselves) that it's there. Eventually, it passes. However, if there is something in your marriage that is not fulfilling or is creating distance between you and your husband, you are far more likely to entertain thoughts of DOING something about your attraction, and that will get ugly. So give some thought to what is going on between you and your husband that you have allowed an idle and passing attraction to capture your imagination and take hold. And then work on fixing your relationship with your husband so you aren't tempted by this co-worker. Thanks for the thoughtful advice. I am glad I posted because it seems like talking to him would be a bad idea. I am pretty aware that an attraction to another man is a sign of a deeper issue in my life and I have been working on my marriage. In some ways, my husband and I are emotionally closer now. And I do want my marriage to work. I know he is committed to the marriage as well. So there is no reason to give up on us. But when I am honest with myself I know what is missing, two things: we don't share a lot of common interests (although we have hobbled together a collection of things we can share), and, more significantly, I am sexually unfulfilled. Not that my husband doesn't try. I would like to pursue this thought further but I need to get back to work... Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisypicker Posted August 28, 2008 Author Share Posted August 28, 2008 Did you two become friends rather quickly? Seemed like over night you knew this person with so much in common? Well, we aren't very close friends. I just can't handle being close to this man in any way. Plus, one of the "symptoms" of romantic love is an exaggerated sense of closeness. I know all this stuff, it is just different to actually feel it. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 It's not romantic love. It's a crush, an infatuation, your mind is imagining all kinds of things about him that mostly are just that - your imagination. If you are sexually unfulfilled, and your husband is trying, then you have to help him more. Take control and show him how to please you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisypicker Posted August 28, 2008 Author Share Posted August 28, 2008 I appreciate all of this advice. I guess I should give more background. I am not particularly young but I am pretty inexperienced in romantic relationships. I had really bad social anxiety up until a few years ago (including when I met my husband). You don't feel attraction when you are sick with anxiety talking to someone. So I have never had a crush or some such before. Then into my life comes this really attractive man who seems to like me too. I really was confused by everything I felt - totally swept away (although I felt like I was in control). I decided to run with my feelings, not pursuing a physical relationship but enjoying a new part of life I had never experienced. My sex life perked up with my husband, I was happy. But of course this didn't last. It seems stupid now but at the time... So now I have really fallen for this guy. But this isn't what I want. My husband and I discussed a little bit of what has happened and he is totally crushed by my wandering heart. I told him that I would get myself under control and have been trying for the past two months or so to do this. But I am like a drug addict. I can be good for about a week at the most before I am back to thinking about the OM. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 Start flirting with your husband. Tease him, compliment him, touch him, look into his eyes. Invest in him, and you will see a return. You can transfer all this energy from this guy at work to your husband, if you try. Office guy is a crush, nothing more. Make it go away by refusing to feed it. Feed your marriage instead - your H is the one who loves and truly cares about you. This other guy is just a projection of your fantasies - he is NOT what you are imagining him to be...that's how crushes and infatuations work. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 and if you need to change jobs! it's just a job. job vs marriage... your husband will know that you value your marriage above your OM. put that energy into your marriage and your H. remove the temptation - that simple. Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisypicker Posted August 28, 2008 Author Share Posted August 28, 2008 norajane - I try and flirt with my husband. But he doesn't flirt back. He loves me, I am sure, but he doesn't react to this stuff. And we never really had any of it at any point in our relationship; I just am starting to miss it now, after being with him for so long. Is it fair to demand something from him now? And if he can't give it to me? But really - I am feeling very sobered by the advice I am getting. I just hope these feelings for the OM will fade so I can truly get on with my life. As I mentioned, he has been out of town and I feel so much more balanced and content. Of course, now I feel very grounded, but I know myself and I know what will happen. I will see him again and my mind will start to wander more and more. And I do feel like my feelings are being reciprocated by the OM. Otherwise, this wouldn't be so difficult. 2sunny - A job is just a job but dropping out of a grad school is a major career choice! Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 Order a couple of paperbacks called "Light Her Fire" and "Light His Fire". They have a lot of common sense tips (and insights on relationship dynamics - very important) on how to bring the romance into your relationship. Give him the "Light Her Fire" book to read, and you read the other one. They're short, and they're inexpensive. Also, google something called the "Love Languages". Basically, this explains 5 ways people show and accept love - through words, gifts, acts of services, etc. So, your hubby could be doing something he considers romantic because it's the way he naturally expresses himself, even though you don't see it as romantic at all. Example, my ex gave me a coffee maker for my birthday. Yeah, I was feeling the love... To him, though, that was a sweet gift, because he knows I love coffee, he had heard me say I needed a new coffee maker, and he bought one that's programmable, so the coffee's ready when I wake up in the morning. He was doing something nice for me, and I could have rained all over it if I hadn't taken a moment to realize how much thought he had put into it to show me he cared. So maybe your H doesn't respond to flirting the way you do it, or to any flirting, but there are a lot of things you can learn about each other that may help you feel the love and romance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisypicker Posted August 28, 2008 Author Share Posted August 28, 2008 Thanks - I'll look for those. I guess an added benefit to getting the books will be the time/mental investment in my marriage over all the time I spend worrying about this other relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 Thanks - I'll look for those. I guess an added benefit to getting the books will be the time/mental investment in my marriage over all the time I spend worrying about this other relationship. Absolutely! Like I said, transfer all that energy into your marriage! And you don't have a 'relationship' with this other guy. You have a fantasy. It's not real. The reality would not be anything like what you are imagining with him! Link to post Share on other sites
Shygirl15 Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 I can 100% relate. I went through that with a co-worker late last year and it was really hard (we didn't sit next to each other though, thankfully!). It's just a phase and it will pass. Mine passed (although we shared a passionate kiss along the way). He's now a very good friend of mine, nothing more. Link to post Share on other sites
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