Afraid Marriage is Failing

[MzHopeful]

First off i guess i should get my story out there. My husband and i have been together for over a year but only married 9 months. I am older then he is by 4 1/2 years. This is his first marriage and my 2nd. I have one child with him and one from my first marriage. Our child is only 5 months old, mine is almost 9. He was recently discharged from the military due to medical issues and we are living with his parents until we can get our apartment done. Before we moved back to his home state things seemed to be better then perfect. We talked and when i talked to him about my worries about moving back where we now live he told me that i had nothing to worry about we would be ok. I told him i was worried about him leaving me and he said i should not worry he would never leave me that he loved me and that he was doing everything for me, for our family. Now that we are moved it is like a totally different story and i fear our marriage and our friendship is falling apart. What is worse is i do not know how to fix it. I have tried to talk to him and he tells me that i need to put myself before anything else. I cant seem to see his logic. In my personal opinion there are things you do for yourself but in the end you do it for your family & marriage. I love my husband with all of my heart and soul and he knows this. He used to always tell me that i had no idea how much he loved me and that he would be insane without me. Now he tells me that the amount i love him, seems like i am obcessed with loving him. I do love my husband very much and i would do anything for him. But i dont think that should include walking away from our marraige. I do not currently hold a job and we are suffering money wise. He has told me i need to get a job and i have been trying very hard. I have been on the phone daily for the past few weeks trying to get any worthwhile job so i can help support us and get myself back in school so i can have a REAL job. He currently works for his parents business but it isnt a "real" job. But he also does not plan on getting a different one anytime soon. I know he has alot of stress right now with trying to figure out where money will come from. He also says i need to get childcare secured for the baby before i start work. I have been and still am trying. It seems like most of our problems are due to the lack of money, but now i find out that he is talking to another woman. He has mentioned to her about our marriage failing. (His own words not mine.) He has also talked to her about "hanging out". This woman is a single mother and she knew him from school. She mentioned something like "Are you sure you wife will be ok with that?" and he replied "yeah". And her next comment was "It's not like i am going to jump you bones or anything. You can just come over and watch TV or something." Later she goes on to tell him how she used to be adicted to sex and now she does not know what to do without it. What am i suppose to think with comments like that? It DOES sound like she would do anything to get my husband into bed with her. I really do not want to see her anywhere near my husband, but i trust my husband becasue he has been cheated on in past relationships and has swore to me that he would never do it to me becsaue he knows how it hurts. But then i see conversations like that and i know the words are not his but he also tells me that he wishes that he could stop talking to her, and when i ask him why he doesnt he says he is just being nice. He has also told me that she looked him up but i later find out that he looked her up and contacted her. I do not know if he is trying to make me jealous, and he knows i am or if he just wants the attention and it is harmless to him. He has told me before that he loves me no matter what and that to him marraige is as good as it gets. He married me and no matter who may come along better or worse then me he married me and he will stay with me forever. When i repeat things like this to him he says things change. Then asks me, "what am i not suppose to be happy?" Of course i want him to be happy, i have never wanted anything other then that for him. But i want to be the one to make him happy. I asked him what has changed and he said lots. That i changed. I had dreams and that i wanted to do things and i was a stronger person. I was stronger becasue i felt like i finally found someone who loved me and i do still have dreams but i am having trouble getting started. (Back to the money.) I do want to go to college and be successful, who doesnt but it takes money to do so. I am SO worried and afraid of losing him that i am afraid that i am smothering him. With him working i never get to see him and when he gets home he is out working on his cars. I have tried to ask if he needs help because he plans to sell the cars after fully restored but he tells me there is nothing i could do at that time. I keep trying to find ways to spend time with him and it is like he pushes me away. I dont get any time with him until he comes inside for the evening, by then he is watching tv while sitting on the computer. And he does not spend time with the baby anymore. He says he is to tired and just wants to relax. Sadly we hardly ever have sex anymore. And when i bring that up he says "I saw that one coming, becasue we dont have sex it means i dont love you." I never said that, i just said i miss it and he used to tell me that we didnt have enough sex even when we would be having sex 2 or 3 times a day. He says he cant do it without "lube" but then of course it comes back to money. He "has" money but wont buy the lube which leads me to think he just doesnt want to be sexual with me anymore. I feel like im a failure, this is my 2nd marriage and it is already having major bumps. I asked him if he wanted our marriage to work and he told me he doesn't know. It is like he doesnt even want to try and it is breaking my heart. On top of it all i now have to contend with another woman who appears to be tryign to get with my husband. I get so emotional i cant talk and he finds fault with that too. He tells me i take everything to heart when i shouldnt and that im over reacting. Is that true? Am i really worried for nothing? I love my husband with everything i am and i will do anything in my power to prove such to him. But how can i love him and fix things if he wont work with me. He says he is trying but he is the only one, i dont see it like that. It is true that i dont have a job but i am trying to get one and it is like it isnt good enough. He said that he wants to be successful and that if he cant he cant live like that. What am i to do to prove i want our marriage to survive that i love him and would do anything for him? I need any advice anyone could give, Please help me save what i have waited my whole life for. I know that it is pretty pathetic to have nothing to offer someone but your heart and the love it holds for them but would that not make the person you love the richest person inthe world?

[disgracian]

I just can't read that much bold/italic text without any paragraphs.

 

Cheers,

D.

[MzHopeful]

Sorry for all the boldness and such... Lets try agian.

 

First off i guess i should get my story out there. My husband and i have been together for over a year but only married 9 months. I am older then he is by 4 1/2 years. This is his first marriage and my 2nd. I have one child with him and one from my first marriage. Our child is only 5 months old, mine is almost 9. He was recently discharged from the military due to medical issues and we are living with his parents until we can get our apartment done. Before we moved back to his home state things seemed to be better then perfect. We talked and when i talked to him about my worries about moving back where we now live he told me that i had nothing to worry about we would be ok. I told him i was worried about him leaving me and he said i should not worry he would never leave me that he loved me and that he was doing everything for me, for our family. Now that we are moved it is like a totally different story and i fear our marriage and our friendship is falling apart. What is worse is i do not know how to fix it.

 

I have tried to talk to him and he tells me that i need to put myself before anything else. I cant seem to see his logic. In my personal opinion there are things you do for yourself but in the end you do it for your family & marriage. I love my husband with all of my heart and soul and he knows this. He used to always tell me that i had no idea how much he loved me and that he would be insane without me. Now he tells me that the amount i love him, seems like i am obsessed with loving him. I do love my husband very much and i would do anything for him. But i don't think that should include walking away from our marriage.

 

I do not currently hold a job and we are suffering money wise. He has told me i need to get a job and i have been trying very hard. I have been on the phone daily for the past few weeks trying to get any worthwhile job so i can help support us and get myself back in school so i can have a REAL job. He currently works for his parents business but it isn't a "real" job, he has said that himself, but he also does not plan on getting a different one anytime soon. I know he has a lot of stress right now with trying to figure out where money will come from. He also says i need to get childcare secured for the baby before i start work. I have been and still am trying. It seems like most of our problems are due to the lack of money.

 

But now i find out that he is talking to another woman. He has mentioned to her about our marriage failing. (His own words not mine.) He has also talked to her about "hanging out". This woman is a single mother and she knew him from school. She mentioned something like "Are you sure you wife will be ok with that?" and he replied "yeah". And her next comment was "It's not like i am going to jump you bones or anything. You can just come over and watch TV or something." Later she goes on to tell him how she used to be addicted to sex and now she does not know what to do without it. What am i suppose to think with comments like that? It DOES sound like she would do anything to get my husband into bed with her. I really do not want to see her anywhere near my husband, but i trust my husband because he has been cheated on in past relationships and has swore to me that he would never do it to me because he knows how it hurts. But then i see conversations like that and i know the words are not his but he also tells me that he wishes that he could stop talking to her, and when i ask him why he doesn't he says he is just being nice. He has also told me that she looked him up but i later find out that he looked her up and contacted her. I do not know if he is trying to make me jealous, and he knows i am or if he just wants the attention and it is harmless to him.

 

He has told me before that he loves me no matter what and that to him marriage is as good as it gets. He married me and no matter who may come along better or worse then me he married me and he will stay with me forever. When i repeat things like this to him he says things change. Then asks me, "what am i not suppose to be happy?" Of course i want him to be happy, i have never wanted anything other then that for him. But i want to be the one to make him happy. I asked him what has changed and he said lots. That i changed. I had dreams and that i wanted to do things and i was a stronger person. I was stronger because i felt like i finally found someone who loved me and i do still have dreams but i am having trouble getting started. (Back to the money.) I do want to go to college and be successful, who doesn't but it takes money to do so.

 

I am SO worried and afraid of losing him that i am afraid that i am smothering him. With him working i never get to see him and when he gets home he is out working on his cars. I have tried to ask if he needs help because he plans to sell the cars after fully restored but he tells me there is nothing i could do at that time. I keep trying to find ways to spend time with him and it is like he pushes me away. I don't get any time with him until he comes inside for the evening, by then he is watching tv while sitting on the computer. And he does not spend time with the baby anymore. He says he is to tired and just wants to relax. Sadly we hardly ever have sex anymore. And when i bring that up he says "I saw that one coming, because we don't have sex it means i don't love you." I never said that, i just said i miss it and he used to tell me that we didn't have enough sex even when we would be having sex 2 or 3 times a day. He says he cant do it without "lube" but then of course it comes back to money. He "has" money but wont buy the lube which leads me to think he just doesn't want to be sexual with me anymore.

 

I feel like i'm a failure, this is my 2nd marriage and it is already having major bumps. I asked him if he wanted our marriage to work and he told me he doesn't know. It is like he doesn't even want to try and it is breaking my heart. On top of it all i now have to contend with another woman who appears to be trying to get with my husband. I get so emotional i cant talk and he finds fault with that too. He tells me i take everything to heart when i shouldn't and that i'm over reacting. Is that true? Am i really worried for nothing? I love my husband with everything i am and i will do anything in my power to prove such to him. But how can i love him and fix things if he wont work with me. He says he is trying but he is the only one, i don't see it like that. It is true that i don't have a job but i am trying to get one and it is like it isn't good enough. He said that he wants to be successful and that if he cant he cant live like that. What am i to do to prove i want our marriage to survive that i love him and would do anything for him? I need any advice anyone could give, Please help me save what i have waited my whole life for. I know that it is pretty pathetic to have nothing to offer someone but your heart and the love it holds for them but would that not make the person you love the richest person in the world?

[oceangrl]

I think your perspective is off. You keep trying to prove to HIM that your marriage is worth saving when HE should be proving that to you. Your actions seem too dependent on your emotions. Your emotions are fear that he will leave you. And your interactions with him revolve around this fear. The reason why he said you should be talking care of yourself is because your emotions (fear) is dependent on his actions. He can't control your emotions. Only you can. And you cant control his actions, you can only control your emotions and your own behavior.

 

You will never be the absolute ONLY thing that makes him happy. And he can't be the single thing that makes YOU happy. When you hit a bump in the road and things start to get hard like in your current situation, it freezes you in that moment because that happiness isn't constant. And what happens when your frozen in that moment? It leaves you in a state of worry like you are feeling right now. And what do you do when you start to worry about that? You start to tell your husband about it. You bring it up constantly--you might not even realize this but you show it through your body language. You try to express this worry to him....you go through all your negative emotions with him...you make him FEEL what YOU feel....

 

You make him feel this worry, this constant anxiety that he will leave you. He says you have changed. He's probably right ....if you look back before you were married, you said that you were stronger. You were emotionally stronger. Thats what has changed. You had control over your own emotions. Now, you are smothering him with your worry. He already knows you love him. You dont need to tell him that...or PROVE that to him. Thats HIS job now, not yours. He has been talking to another woman. HE said he will never cheat, but he said also said he would be with you forever--that no one else better or worse could make him leave you. And now he says things have changed....so does his word on cheating. Don't assume he wont do it.

 

And you said that marriage and family comes before yourself? There is no family without YOU. If your children see you unhappy....if they see you not taking care of yourself, what kind of environment are you setting them up for?

 

Your job is to keep job hunting, take care of your body, and to not alow his actions to affect your emotions. Its not good for your health to be in your state of unhappiness/anxiety. Your health is more important than trying to prove anything to him. Take care of yourself financially because you can't count on anyone for money....you cant trust anyone (not even your husband) to take care of you but yourself.

 

Should you walk? Thats your personal choice. Open your eyes to what your husband does and not what he says. Make your choice based on whats best for yourself and your children...NOT for the love for your husband.

[shy women]

No i dont think your over reacting and as far as i can see i dont think he knows what he wants and one of the major problems in relationships is when one partner is trying to love for both.I know that it hurts not knowing what to do and seeing everything you care about crumble around your ears but i dont think you need to prove you love him your marriade and youve had his baby that should be enough to show him you love him and he needs to see that and if he doesnt more fool him. You can love a man to the end of the earth but there comes a time when things get to much and you say "enough is enough." As for this other woman i would trust her you dont talk about missing sex with anyone with out putting a hint in somewere, ok he has said he wont cheat cause he has been cheated on but at the end of the day a situation can get out of control very fast and before you know it its to late. I know it will hurt but if this was me then i would do every thing he sees he wants stop asking about your sex life and pay no attention to him and see how he likes it. if he wants to be left alone leave him alone lets see how fast he starts missing you, you have 2 kids do somthing with them men come and go wants to say this isnt the right partner for you there are alot of people out there I know it doesnt seem that way but after leaving him to his own devises and he cheats then you know sooner rather than later he would do it to you and your better off with out him! Just stay strong and go for what you want to do in your life and with your kids let him come to you and if he doesnt he aint worth your time lifes to short to chase a man who doesnt apprecate what you would do for him.

Sorry if havent helped but just keep your chin up and look out for yourself i think youve done enough for him.

 

Take care