Is he planning on marrying me?

[Cutie]

I need a few opinions on this as it is starting to drive me crazy! I have been with my boyfriend for just over two years, and we now live together with my child from a previous marriage and our 1 year old. My divorce was finalised soon after I started seeing my boyfriend but his was only finalised 9 months ago.

 

Soon after his was finalised I made the fatal mistake of indicating that I would like to be married to him and at that point he freeked out, told me I was stupid for even wanting that and stormed off for a few hours. When he came back I was upset, he comforted me but made it clear that he had been so hurt by his previous marriage that he didn't want to marry again. I still maintained that marriage was something that I wanted but for now we would agree to disagree and just get on with it.

 

So, anyway since then I have of course stayed well clear of even mentioning the M word! I was beginning to think that perhaps he had become a complete commitmentphobe (as he has periods of being close but then moving away and creating distance emotionally), but for the past few months the topic of marriage has kind of been entering the scene again. I haven't brought up the subject, but he found a poem which stated all my feelings about five months ago and was so shocked that I was thinking of leaving him that he wrote me one back mentioning that he 'knew one day would be our wedding day' and he told me that he was still hurt and had regrets about his previous marriage and that he still needed time to heal.

 

So I left it again, making sure that whenever the subject of marriage came up (such as going to friend's weddings, stuff on TV etc), that I remained neutral and cool about the whole thing, definately not mentioning anything about marriage and us. Even to the point of not mentioning the fact that even though in his poem he said he knew we would be married, at the friend's wedding he said 'if we ever get married...'.

 

Then, last night there was a program on TV where a couple were getting married in Las Vegas. He was watching me and I was smiling at it (they had an Elvis impersonater!) and when I looked at him he said 'perhaps we should get married in Las Vegas, just go and not tell anyone'! Then he mentioned that no, my eldest would never forgive me if we did that (by not inviting her!) and neither would the relatives. So I remain light hearted and agree that the kids would have to be there, in thier little bridesmaids dresses. So the whole thing remained light hearted, after which we carried on doing what we were doing (me watching TV him on the computer) and nothing more has been said.

 

He always talks about stuff we're going to do when we're older and the kids are grown up, tells me he loves me everyday, sends me text messages and phones me during the day. Sorry to ramble on! But what do you think? Is he actually ever going to propose to me? Am I right in thinking that he's starting to come around to the idea? Do you think it might be soon? (I know he's got some money coming his way and I was hoping he may start thinking of spending a little of it on a ring!)

[Jamie31]

He will propose when the time is right. Guys get real squimish about this stuff. But whatever you do, don't rush him. That will just scare him off. Or even worse, he will just propose because he wants to make you happy, even if that's not what he really wants, and then you guys will have a messed up marriage. Just take your time and enjoy being with him. Enjoy your time together- go out and have fun together. I mean, if you do eventually marry him, you will have your whole life to be his wife. Just be his girlfriend and take this time to make sure he is the one. I mean, you can never be too sure. He will propose when he gets ready, but don't rush him.

[niko1999]

OHMG! I am going through a similar thing. My boyfreind says things like taht too. LIke, the other day, he said something, and I was like(jokingly of course, kind of chuckling whne I said it)"Its not like were going to get married anyway", and he was like "OUCH. I never said we couldnt get married"

A

nd then, I dont like Sinfeild,, and he dos, and he was like, that is why we cant get married, becuase you dont like seindfeld(joking around of course). And I have made mention about the fact that I would like a big wedding(just speaking randomly), but the other day, we were watching Fools Rush In, and I was like, Would you want to get married in vegas? Cuase I woulndt

 

Isnt it SO frustrating? But I agree with Nurse Jamie, dont pressure him, dont mention it, espeically considering that the both of you have been through a divorce already, of course he is going to be a bit weary.

[imjustagirl]

I would love to think he'll propose to you in his own due time, only because my boyfriend does stuff like that.

 

I would love to spend the rest of my life with my man...and I "think" he thinks the same.

 

Last night, while laying in bed, we were watching the dvd "Just Married." (I personally didn't like the movie, but what do I know).

 

Anyways, there was a situation where she didn't want to have sex on their wedding night....my boyfriend squeezes my hand and goes...hun, if you EVER thought about doing that on our wedding night, something would be seriously wrong.

 

Now, I didn't do anything but squeeze his hand and go..."ooh but sweetie...I would never think about doing such a mean awful thing".....we then kissed and finished watching the movie....I know, how sappy.

 

But most definatly, I once had a friend who told me if guys were throwing out mild suggestions of spending the rest of their lives with you, don't rush them, they're a little slow on the intake and you just need to wait it out....

[Cutie]

Thank you all for your replies. It's difficult isn't it? Having to remain calm whilst all the time you just want him to stop messing around and make his mind up already! lol

 

It's a little difficult for me as he also wants another child (our baby wasn't planned and happened whilst I was taking contraception...we'd not know each other that long really so I never expected anything of him at that time....but she really is the best thing to have happened to both of us) and there is no way I will consider having another child unless that commitment is there (I have changed my contraception needless to say!)

 

Anyway, I certainly won't be putting any pressure on him, no fear of that (I know what happens when you do that. You're right Nurse_Jamie - it would only scare him off).

 

I also think that guys don't mention marriage unless they've thought about it a little (just mulling the idea over in thier heads, getting used to it I suppose). I know that if he really wasn't interested in it at all he would avoid all mention of it, period, or say something like 'I'm never getting married'. At least that's what I'm hoping - otherwise he's just stringing me along (but I'm inclined to think that because it's him who keeps bringing up the subject that he's not doing that).

 

*keeping her fingers crossed for herslef, imjustagirl and niko!*

[zman]

Your man has some serious issues if he doesn't even want to talk about getting married, when you already have a child together and everything. He should go see a therapist or counsellor to talk about his past marriage and figure it all out. He definately needs to talk about things with someone besides you, your friends, or anyone related to you. Someone with an objective, professional point of view.

 

Good luck!

[Cutie]

Well I thought I should perhaps update you on the situation, although it's not particularily good news I'm afraid.

 

We have had another 'talk' about what it is we both want from the relationship and he was saying this time that marriage is meaningless, that he doesn't want to make that commitment again, usual stuff.

 

As for all the things he'd said, such as the poem in which he's written that he knew one day would be our wedding day, he told me that he couldn't have put that it must have said, maybe someday! Then he told me to go and get it and he'd rip that bit out (geez - why don't you just rip my heart out whilst you're at it?) As for mentioning perhaps we should get married in Vegas in response to a program on it he said 'that's just what you say - it doesn't mean anything).

 

I did manage to get out of him that it was because of his previous marriage he feels this way, but again, I am now giving him time to work on his issues to see if he wants the same thing I do. but I know he probably won't do anything - won't change anything. It just seems like a ploy to get me to wait forever. He doesn't seem to see it's not fair not to tell me if we're working towards the same thing. It's not fair to say perhaps I'll know in 5, 10 years time. I could be elsewhere in a happy really committed relationship by then. It's just not fair.

 

Neither is it fair to blame me for him not talking about the hurt she put him through, or expecting me to be his counsellor whilst he works through his issues (as there's no one else he can talk to). Surely he should have worked through those things before trying to have a relationship with me?

 

He tried to say that he is already committed. Like that day he'd signed to give me the money from an insurance policy should he die at work! And that he sees us still together without marriage when we're older. But in the next breath he's saying he doesn't the kind of commitment marriage represents (I though he just said it represented nothing?) and that he feels that all his relationships will fail anyway!

 

He admitted that he's unable to do anything romantic for me or try to make me feel special as he did that with his ex and it all ended up as meaningless anyway. So he doesn't believe any of it when I do or say anything romantic. He says he knows he needs to change that. He's been promising me 'more' for years though. And he still says it will come someday! He says he knows he needs to stop the 'numb' feelings but it seems that deep down, despite whatever I might say, he doesn't seem to trust that he won't get hurt again. Despite me having told him of my past, of my hurt and how that means I would never put anyone through that.

 

Anyway at the end he said, if we're working towards the same thing then I have to lead the way (he was attacking my parenting skills when he brought this up - wanting me to change the way I relate to my own daughter from a previous relationship before he will get to know her better and spend more time with her bonding!). But what on earth am I supposed to do. I have tried listening to him, telling him he can talk to me but he just won't. There's a block there he can't get past.

 

So there you have it. Not particularily nice news but unfortunately it's all I have

[pinkplease]

Cutie,

 

I think you are wasting your time with someone who will not marry you. You are living together and have a child together, and you seem to think that marriage will be the next inevitable step. You need to either forget about marriage and embrace living together or find another man that will marry you. Living with someone you want to marry, and who does not want to marry you, shows that you don't respect yourself very much. Think about what your life goals really are, and if he doesn't share them, you need to leave this relationship. Please don't bring any more children into this relationship, as it doesn't sound like it is very stable.