Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 30, 2008 Author Share Posted August 30, 2008 I was actually thinking the same thing. This goes back to what I said before about just putting your cards on the table. Like I was saying about the whole promise ring thing. Why not just ask him? I can't imagine not being able to tell my H how I feel about things and hiding my feelings. It would drive me nuts. I'd be like "Where the hell is my ring? What was all that nonsense about showing you rings in a catalogue. ":laugh: Oh you must have missed the post I said that I said I did talk to him about it. I asked him why he went to the jewelry store with me and asked me if I wanted to try on rings, and he said that he had considered buying me one but realized that since we are already living together and pretty far in our relationship, he wanted to buy me a ring that really meant something (engagement ring) when the time is right. Actually it was a good talk, I was able to ask him some open ended questions without making him feel pressured or upset. Like Allina said, I think he is a little dense about women's feelings regarding rings. Lack of experience I suppose. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 I'd be like "Where the hell is my ring? What was all that nonsense about showing you rings in a catalogue. ":laugh: :love: Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 Oh you must have missed the post I said that I said I did talk to him about it. I asked him why he went to the jewelry store with me and asked me if I wanted to try on rings, and he said that he had considered buying me one but realized that since we are already living together and pretty far in our relationship, he wanted to buy me a ring that really meant something (engagement ring) when the time is right. Actually it was a good talk, I was able to ask him some open ended questions without making him feel pressured or upset. Like Allina said, I think he is a little dense about women's feelings regarding rings. Lack of experience I suppose. Oh ok, sorry LB. Yeah, I remember now. Glad you had a good talk. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 :love: Laugh all you want:p:p But seriously, this way works for us. H is the same way with me too. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 Laugh all you want:p:p But seriously, this way works for us. H is the same way with me too. Oh, I'm like that too. I tell DG "everything" Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 Oh, I'm like that too. I tell DG "everything" Yeah, well in your particular case I wouldn't be quite so open. Ok, sorry for the h/j there LB. Back to your regular scheduled programming. How do things stand now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 30, 2008 Author Share Posted August 30, 2008 Yeah, well in your particular case I wouldn't be quite so open. Ok, sorry for the h/j there LB. Back to your regular scheduled programming. How do things stand now? Lol that's okay. Things are good right now. We are both enjoying the weekend. We went out to dinner with someone he works with and his wife on a double date. It was really fun. He knows I am lonely since my best friend left so he is making an effort to set up some double dates for us so that we can make some new friends. It's helping me a lot. I need to stop driving myself nuts about this stuff. When I don't think about rings, marriage, engagement, ect. and just enjoy the relationship I'm fine. But then when I start thinking about all my friends who are married and weddings that are coming up I start to feel some pressure. I realize that I'm still young, but I have absolutely no single friends. Everyone i know is either engaged or married, so it's difficult not to think about that. Especially because my BF tends to give me a lot of mixed messages regarding the issue. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 I asked him why he went to the jewelry store with me and asked me if I wanted to try on rings, and he said that he had considered buying me one but realized that since we are already living together and pretty far in our relationship, he wanted to buy me a ring that really meant something (engagement ring) when the time is right. Actually it was a good talk, I was able to ask him some open ended questions without making him feel pressured or upset. Yeah, that communication, works wonders every time. No ring, no proposal - but everybody's happy! Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 LB, can I ask you something .... You seem a little obsessed with marriage, is there a reason for this? Deep down do you think it will change a thing? I am not being funny asking this, the reason I ask is because I never want to get married and this is because I cannot see how a piece of paper and a few sweet words changes a thing - If I was living with a guy I would take as long to decide to leave or work things out as if I was married, to me all being married means is more cost when you do break up! Cynical? me? NEVER! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 30, 2008 Author Share Posted August 30, 2008 LB, can I ask you something .... You seem a little obsessed with marriage, is there a reason for this? Deep down do you think it will change a thing? I am not being funny asking this, the reason I ask is because I never want to get married and this is because I cannot see how a piece of paper and a few sweet words changes a thing - If I was living with a guy I would take as long to decide to leave or work things out as if I was married, to me all being married means is more cost when you do break up! Cynical? me? NEVER! Sometimes I do feel like I am obsessed. I don't know why this is, when I was younger I didn't feel this way about it. I was so sure that I was going to marry my ex bf (we talked about it constantly, planned when we were going to get engaged, married, ect.) and we would actually be married right now if I hadn't have broken up with him. So maybe since I don't have that "sureness" of marriage in my relationship now, I think about it more. Also, paired with the fact that all my friends are either engaged or getting married, I feel as though I'm being left in the dust or something. Or jealous. Or both, who knows. But the main reason I want to get married, is because I love my boyfriend and I want to be committed to him, forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Your ex and you talked about marriage all the time? I have way too much time on my hands this weekend and this morning I read your first few threads... The first time you felt insecure about the marriage issue, your bf and you had only been together for... 5 months. You already felt then like, since all your friends were getting married, you were being left in the dust. You posted a thread where you were agonizing over it. My friends are getting married and havind kids and I'm proud of them and happy for them. So I have a hard time understanding why it causes issues for you. It just seems like there is something deeper then loving your bf and needing you commitment to each other etched on paper going on. Marriage has been on your mind for a long time. Here is a question my therapist always asked me when I kept running into the same wall over and over again: what are the stakes for you (what would not getting married within the next two years represent - why would it be so bad?)? What is your biggest fear in regards to marriage/not getting married? Why is it a fear of yours? I'm not saying you're not entitled to your feelings. I'm just thinking that maybe the very reason your bf is reticent to propose is because you have been so marriage-minded for so long that perhaps he feels like the responsibility to ascertain that you two are indeed ready for marriage is all up to him. And that's a lot of pressure. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 But the main reason I want to get married, is because I love my boyfriend and I want to be committed to him, forever. I agree with Kamille. You're OBSESSED with getting married, and have been since only 5 months in to your relationship. That tells me it has very little to do with your so-called love for your BF and your relationship with him, and everything to do with some insecurity of YOURS. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 I agree that you need to look at your need to get married. For you to be worrying about marrying your man after only 5 months of dating shows that it is maybe more about being 'married' than who you marry! You considered marrying your ex who was obviously wrong for you and you spoke about it all the time and yet you ended it with him as he was wrong for you. You are only young and to be this obsessed with marriage on account that you are the last out of your friends to not be married is worrying honey Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 31, 2008 Author Share Posted August 31, 2008 Your ex and you talked about marriage all the time? I have way too much time on my hands this weekend and this morning I read your first few threads... The first time you felt insecure about the marriage issue, your bf and you had only been together for... 5 months.. Oh yeah, my ex and I talked it about it after a month of dating. So that's why after 5 months I found it odd that marriage or anything hadn't even been talked about yet. And when everyone told me that 5 months was too soon, I was like WHAT?? My only other long term relationship experience was with my ex. I was only like 22 when I broke up with my ex, so we were still in college during our relationship and not looking to get married until after we were out, but we DEF. knew we wanted to. I never attributed this whole obession with marriage to him, but maybe now he is the root of it all. You already felt then like, since all your friends were getting married, you were being left in the dust. You posted a thread where you were agonizing over it. My friends are getting married and havind kids and I'm proud of them and happy for them. So I have a hard time understanding why it causes issues for you. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for my friends and I tell them so. I guess sometimes I think, "well that was going to be me, and now its not." I'm not saying you're not entitled to your feelings. I'm just thinking that maybe the very reason your bf is reticent to propose is because you have been so marriage-minded for so long that perhaps he feels like the responsibility to ascertain that you two are indeed ready for marriage is all up to him. And that's a lot of pressure. Yeah you may be right. I never outwardly pressure him (like ask him why he isn't ready, bug him about it, ect) but he does now how much I want to get married. So maybe he is feeling pressured because he is the one to decide when we will, since he isn't ready. Man, I guess I just never thought about these things before and how they are affecting me. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 31, 2008 Author Share Posted August 31, 2008 I agree with Kamille. You're OBSESSED with getting married, and have been since only 5 months in to your relationship. That tells me it has very little to do with your so-called love for your BF and your relationship with him, and everything to do with some insecurity of YOURS. Yeah, you are right. I'm starting to think it was just from my relationship with my ex, that left me with this obsession. It took me SO long to get over that relationship, it was almost like I was getting over my husband and not my boyfriend. And like I said, I had no clue that 5 months was too short to be talking about marriage, because my ex and I talked about it after like a month. So it threw me for a loop when we weren't talking about marriage at that point in the relationship. That's probably why I got so insecure about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 I just feel like if the proverbial Brad Pitt (i.e., some dreamboat dude who you BARELY know [at 5 months that's where you're at!!!]) came over to you right now with a 2 carat diamond and a baby stroller in tow and asked you to put on the ring and make a little muffin to put in the stroller and have a big wedding live happily ever after you'd do it in a heartbeat, JUST TO BE MARRIED. Just to check that thing off your to-do list. Don't get me wrong, LB. I want to get married someday too, but for very, very different reasons than you do. I'm just not sure what your reasons are. Do you think being a wife, one-half of a couple, would validate you somehow? Do you think you're somehow worth less, have accomplished less as a human, simply because you're not legally bound to someone? Honestly... I'd guess that 2/3 of your friends will be divorced in 10 years. All my friends save ONE couple who were married already at your age and now separating or divorced. They all got married simply because it was the next thing to do, it was expected, it was a life-step to check off their to-do list. I'm by NO MEANS anti-marriage, just make sure you're wanting this for the RIGHT reasons, and with the RIGHT guy. Something to think about. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 I think you should forget about the marriage thing for now and work at why you are getting so obsessed with marriage You have just made some great points LB and you are obviously honest with yourself Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 31, 2008 Author Share Posted August 31, 2008 I just feel like if the proverbial Brad Pitt (i.e., some dreamboat dude who you BARELY know [at 5 months that's where you're at!!!]) came over to you right now with a 2 carat diamond and a baby stroller in tow and asked you to put on the ring and make a little muffin to put in the stroller and have a big wedding live happily ever after you'd do it in a heartbeat, JUST TO BE MARRIED. Just to check that thing off your to-do list. I don't think the issue is that I just want to marry ANYONE. Because like I said, if that was the case I would have married my ex bf. I was the one who broke it off because I knew that I would not be happy with him and eventually get divorced (something I am totally against). If I contacted him again and said I wanted to get back together he would probably ask me to marry him. I do see what you are saying though. Don't get me wrong, LB. I want to get married someday too, but for very, very different reasons than you do. I'm just not sure what your reasons are. Do you think being a wife, one-half of a couple, would validate you somehow? Do you think you're somehow worth less, have accomplished less as a human, simply because you're not legally bound to someone? I don't know. I think I am afraid of ending up alone. Maybe I do think I will have failed or something if I don't find a husband. That's sounds like the oddest thing in the world to me, and if someone else was telling me that I'd probably tell them they were nuts. You are right that most of my friends will probably end up getting divorced in 10 years. That's what my mom keeps telling me, so she keeps saying to not be in a hurry. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Yeah you may be right. I never outwardly pressure him (like ask him why he isn't ready, bug him about it, ect) but he does now how much I want to get married. So maybe he is feeling pressured because he is the one to decide when we will, since he isn't ready. Man, I guess I just never thought about these things before and how they are affecting me. Any advice? Yeah maybe your relationship with your ex does play a part. You say yourself your friends weddings make you feel like it could have been you. At least you showed discernment and left a relationship you knew wasn't going to pan out. I'm still thinking maybe part of your bf's hesitations to propose are linked to the fact that since he knows you want to get married (and have been wanting to get married for a long time), he holds the responsibility of making sure you two are ready for marriage. Obviously I'm not him and can't say for sure what's in his head - but what I would do in your shoes is think through what a successful marriage entails. I remember reading he once quizzed you on the topic so.... Anyways, really think it through and be honest about 1) your relationship's strenghts 2) where you two can improve. Basically it goes back to being in the here and now. Focus on making how you relate to each other right now what will make your relationship successful. Show him you know marriage is a big responsiblity, a decision not to be taken lightly - A decision for which you will both be accountable. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 I don't think the issue is that I just want to marry ANYONE. Because like I said, if that was the case I would have married my ex bf. I was the one who broke it off because I knew that I would not be happy with him and eventually get divorced (something I am totally against). If I contacted him again and said I wanted to get back together he would probably ask me to marry him. I do see what you are saying though. Yeah, but you know what I mean. Your exBF was a loser. I mean any non-loser, attractive, ****-together, guy. And I think you'd admit, even if only to yourself, right now that I'm right about that. I don't know. I think I am afraid of ending up alone. Maybe I do think I will have failed or something if I don't find a husband. That's sounds like the oddest thing in the world to me, and if someone else was telling me that I'd probably tell them they were nuts. You are right that most of my friends will probably end up getting divorced in 10 years. That's what my mom keeps telling me, so she keeps saying to not be in a hurry. Would you rather marry now, the wrong (or even right?) guy, but for the wrong reasons at the wrong time, and thus end up with a kid but divorced and alone? Or would you rather wait 5, 10, maybe even 15 years, and meet the guy (who knows, maybe it's still your BF) and really know, soul deep down, that he wants it as much as you do, and then not end up alone? See where I'm coming from? Trust me, one of my biggest fears is ending up alone. I'm the product of a single mother who NEVER married. She's 60 and alone. I can't imagine what that must be like, and I feel like I'm doing everything possible with my life to avoid that end result....including avoiding getting knocked up, and waiting for the RIGHT GUY. I don't care if I'm 40 when it happens, ya know? Link to post Share on other sites
Alma Mobley Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 I used to worry about the "I will be alone" thing as well. I had a lot of terrible relationships, but I worked hard to get to a point where I felt comfortable with myself. I think I needed to be alone, actually. I made a lot of friends, did a lot of great stuff and realized, "Hey, it's not so bad if I never meet that someone." Of course, once I got to that point, THEN I met someone special, ha. But, I think I needed to get to that point, learned to live my life independently. That's probably why my SO found me interesting, actually! Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 That is something I just cannot comprehend, the fear of not being with a man! I have more fears of being with the wrong man and maybe that is why I know I never wanna get married! I watch people I know getting desperate and just settling and then realising a few years later and breaking up! LB, I have never understood your reasons for being so desperate to get married, I mean you have it all now honey, you have the man you love and you live together, what could a piece of paper change? do you believe that being married will make you any happier then you are now? Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 I'm having a hard time faulting LB on wanting to get married. She's been dating the same man for 2 years. Living with him for (how long now?). He feels confident enough in their relationship that he was willing to live with her. He's dropped hints about purchasing an engagement ring for her. However, I think LBs issue (and I may be wrong) stems from wanting the relationship to move forward. To plan out a long term future and have mutal goals to reach it. I think sometimes her bf sends her mixed signals about his level of commitment and she would like something more concrete from him. I think part of her is insecure about how commited her bf is, and she would like him to show her his level, rather then tell her. And I think part of that stems from her ex who would talk, but would not act. She's seeing the same response from her current bf... talks about getting an engagment ring, but no action, and it makes her feel more insecure about their relationship. I don't think you have huge issues LB. I think you just need to probe a little deeper into defining what the issues are, and then use that knowledge to reshape your future into something that you will feel more comfortable in. That could mean discussing some hard topics with your bf that he normally would shy away from. And broaching topics that might make you very uncomfortable. (i.e what actions are you doing that is causing him to hesitate on marriage.) Link to post Share on other sites
Alma Mobley Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 Walk, I agree, and you make a lot of sense. Mixed signals are hard to deal with. That was really good advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 Walk - did you read the most recent posts about LB becoming obsessed with marriage only 5 months in to the relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts