a promise ring now?

[Lauriebell82]

LB,

 

How soon into your relationship did you talk about marriage, the future, the kids, etc? Just curious.

 

Also, how old are the two of you? I did read your past threads, but that detail escaped me! I have a bad memory.

 

In a general sense, we discussed it after a few months I think. We DID start talking about marriage in the sense that we were talking about US. He might have freaked out about discussing it so soon, so he just stopped talking about it. I certainly didn't mean to freak him out though, it seemed as though that is something he wanted. He told me once that he thinks that detailed marriage, wedding, kids stuff should be resevered for when you are engaged. He also told me that he talked about it a lot with his ex gf and she cheated on him and really hurt him, so perhaps he was a little resentful.

 

Oh, and I am 25 and he is 26. (still young)

[Touche]

IMO, you're both too young for marriage anyway. Nowhere near ready.

 

Don't envy your friends so much. I agree with whoever said they'll be divorced within 10 years.

 

Just the fact that your b/f said he doesn't think you should talk about kids until you're engaged tells me right there that he's not ready. You don't wait until you're engaged for heaven's sakes to discuss such an important issue.

 

I don't understand why you think you "wasted" years with your ex. I had a few b/f's in my 20's and I didn't really see them as a waste of time. I learned something from each one of them about myself.

 

And speaking for myself, no way in hell was I read for marriage before 30. I didn't even consider it. I don't think most people really are.

 

And especially not guys.

 

So if I were you, I'd drop the whole idea. Keep your "deadline" in your head and that's that. Enjoy what you have now. If it turns into more, great. If not, chalk it up as just another chapter in your life.

[Alma Mobley]

Touche,

 

Why do you say they are too young for marriage? Is it their situation or their ages? Just curious.

[Star Gazer]

I don't understand why you think you "wasted" years with your ex. I had a few b/f's in my 20's and I didn't really see them as a waste of time. I learned something from each one of them about myself.

 

I find that interesting too. Not all meaningful relationships are meant to result in marriage - obviously. To think that a relationship is a waste of time if it doesn't result in a wedding is just crazy...particularly when you're so young.

[trubella]

IMO, you're both too young for marriage anyway. Nowhere near ready.

 

i always though mid to late 20s was the perfect time to marry, now its too young? then when is the 'right' time 30s-40s?

[Star Gazer]

i always though mid to late 20s was the perfect time to marry, now its too young? then when is the 'right' time 30s-40s?

 

I get the feeling Touche was referring to maturity level, not chronological age.

[Touche]

Touche,

 

Why do you say they are too young for marriage? Is it their situation or their ages? Just curious.

 

Both. It's a combination of their ages along with what I know about the two of them from past posts.

 

They're not even close to being ready. In fact, I really hate to say this but I don't even think they will make it for very long living together. (Sorry, LB!) I'm being honest. Hopefully, you can look at this relationship in a new way.

 

I find that interesting too. Not all meaningful relationships are meant to result in marriage - obviously. To think that a relationship is a waste of time if it doesn't result in a wedding is just crazy...particularly when you're so young.

 

Exactly! It's just like LB thought the last serious b/f was the "one." You aren't really in a position yet to know who the "one" is yet, IMO. Hell, some of us NEVER are in a position to really know that for sure. But particularly at your ages. It's even more so.

[Alma Mobley]

I had to wonder too, though -- if late 20s is too immature for marriage (I can totally see that viewpoint!) what IS the right age? Or is there a right age? 35? 45? But, as we women know, if you want the husband and kids, you can't wait for 45.

[Lauriebell82]

IMO, you're both too young for marriage anyway. Nowhere near ready.

 

Don't envy your friends so much. I agree with whoever said they'll be divorced within 10 years.

 

Just the fact that your b/f said he doesn't think you should talk about kids until you're engaged tells me right there that he's not ready. You don't wait until you're engaged for heaven's sakes to discuss such an important issue.

 

I don't understand why you think you "wasted" years with your ex. I had a few b/f's in my 20's and I didn't really see them as a waste of time. I learned something from each one of them about myself.

 

And speaking for myself, no way in hell was I read for marriage before 30. I didn't even consider it. I don't think most people really are.

 

And especially not guys.

 

So if I were you, I'd drop the whole idea. Keep your "deadline" in your head and that's that. Enjoy what you have now. If it turns into more, great. If not, chalk it up as just another chapter in your life.

 

Thank you for the advice. In regards to the kids, we have talked about how many we would want, how they would be raised. The other night we were having a discussion about whether or not spanking children is appropriate punishment. So we do talk about it, just not in complete detail.

 

Something odd did happen at the bar the other night, he asked me what I thought about us getting married. He was a little tipsy, but the question kind of shocked me. He may not be ready to propose, but he's getting there. Good sign.

 

As far as my ex bf goes, I don't believe I really "wasted time" as I was only like 19-22 when I was with him so I was nowhere near ready to get married yet. He did cost me a lot of money and heartache, but you are right I think I did learn a lot about myself from that relationship. I learned I was strong enough to leave a problematic relationship also. So you are right about that.

 

I don't know why I am ready to get married. Maybe it's that I feel I am at that point in my life and I have found a great guy. It's an interesting thing though, when I don't think about marriage or engagement and just let our relationship happen I am so much more happy. Those thoughts just creep in my head sometimes that he will string me along and I will be one of those girls who are in a 8 year relationship with their bf who has no intention on marrying them. So I suppose that's my little fear in the back of my head that drives me nuts.

[Touche]

I had to wonder too, though -- if late 20s is too immature for marriage (I can totally see that viewpoint!) what IS the right age? Or is there a right age? 35? 45? But, as we women know, if you want the husband and kids, you can't wait for 45.

 

It's not so much about age but more about experience and maturity level. I don't think the maturity level OR the experience is where it needs to be for LB to make a decision about who the "one" is yet.

[Alma Mobley]

It's not so much about age but more about experience and maturity level. I don't think the maturity level OR the experience is where it needs to be for LB to make a decision about who the "one" is yet.

 

Okay, I get ya.

 

LB -- sorry, personal question -- what is the longest period of time you have been OUT of a relationship?

[Touche]

Thank you for the advice. In regards to the kids, we have talked about how many we would want, how they would be raised. The other night we were having a discussion about whether or not spanking children is appropriate punishment. So we do talk about it, just not in complete detail.

 

Then why did you say this less than 1/2 an hour ago?

 

He told me once that he thinks that detailed marriage, wedding, kids stuff should be resevered for when you are engaged

 

Something odd did happen at the bar the other night, he asked me what I thought about us getting married. He was a little tipsy, but the question kind of shocked me. He may not be ready to propose, but he's getting there. Good sign.

 

People say a lot of things when they're tipsy, LB.[/b]

 

As far as my ex bf goes, I don't believe I really "wasted time" as I was only like 19-22 when I was with him so I was nowhere near ready to get married yet.

 

Then where did I get that idea? I'm sure you said somewhere that you wasted your time with him and that you were talking marriage...or thinking about it. Am I confusing you with someone else?

 

He did cost me a lot of money and heartache, but you are right I think I did learn a lot about myself from that relationship. I learned I was strong enough to leave a problematic relationship also. So you are right about that.

 

And that's huge. That's a great thing to learn about one's self. It will serve you well in life to have that knowledge about yourself.

 

I don't know why I am ready to get married. Maybe it's that I feel I am at that point in my life and I have found a great guy.

 

Or maybe it's as you've said before it's because "all your friends are doing it" and you felt "left behind."

 

It's an interesting thing though, when I don't think about marriage or engagement and just let our relationship happen I am so much more happy. Those thoughts just creep in my head sometimes that he will string me along and I will be one of those girls who are in a 8 year relationship with their bf who has no intention on marrying them. So I suppose that's my little fear in the back of my head that drives me nuts.

 

Then have a deadline like you said and stick to it.

[Touche]

Okay, I get ya.

 

LB -- sorry, personal question -- what is the longest period of time you have been OUT of a relationship?

 

Excellent question, I must say!

[Lauriebell82]

Okay, I get ya.

 

LB -- sorry, personal question -- what is the longest period of time you have been OUT of a relationship?

 

I only had one other serious long term relationship (lasting more than a few months) and that was my ex who I broke up with in 2005. Before that I dated occasionally, but I was mostly single throughout high school and up until I met him (my ex) when I was 19. I was single for over a year before starting to date my current boyfriend.

 

So I guess to answer your question the longest I have been single was like 3-4 years.

[Star Gazer]

So I guess to answer your question the longest I have been single was like 3-4 years.

 

High school really doesn't count.

 

How long have you been single as an ADULT?

[Touche]

Uhm, LB...you're STILL single.

[Star Gazer]

Uhm, LB...you're STILL single.

 

Good point.

[Lauriebell82]

Uhm, LB...you're STILL single.

 

Yeah, I know. Single as in "not in a relationship" is what I meant.

[Touche]

High school really doesn't count.

 

How long have you been single as an ADULT?

 

Sorry but that cracked me the hell up!

 

I was single in Junior High and elementary school too....sigh.

[Alma Mobley]

Yes, sorry, high school does not count. I meant as an adult, after 20 years of age, how long have you been out of a relationship?

[Touche]

Yeah, I know. Single as in "not in a relationship" is what I meant.

 

I know. I'm just pulling your chain. We still said "single" if we weren't married...even if living with an SO. I guess that's changed now.

[Lauriebell82]

High school really doesn't count.

 

How long have you been single as an ADULT?

 

2.5 years then.

[Lauriebell82]

Yes, sorry, high school does not count. I meant as an adult, after 20 years of age, how long have you been out of a relationship?

 

age 20? Like 1.5 years.

[Lauriebell82]

I know. I'm just pulling your chain. We still said "single" if we weren't married...even if living with an SO. I guess that's changed now.

 

Yeah, I would only consider myself single if I wasn't in a relationship.

[Touche]

Yeah, I would only consider myself single if I wasn't in a relationship.

 

I know and I don't get that. Because technically, anyone who isn't married is still single.

 

Anyway, sorry to veer off topic there.