Star Gazer Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 As for all the posts, they really don't make much of a difference, ... So it doesn't matter to me what anyone really says. Then WHY are you here? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 29, 2008 Author Share Posted August 29, 2008 My problem with the internal deadline is that I can't seem to stick to it!!! LOL! At two years, when we started talking about it....I told him I wasn't going to wait 4 or 5 years for him to "decide" if I'm what he wants. But...here I am closing in on 4 years with him. Everytime I say I'm gonna give him 6 more months...the 6 months come and go and still no ring...still no commitment. I love him and I'm not ready to quit yet. That's all I can say. So all I can do is hope and wait. We are still young...we are still in our twenties. SO even if these guys string us along for years before "deciding" we aren't the one, we'll still be young enough to move on and not feel the pressure of the biological clock...I'm assuming you want to have children eventually? Me too. Yeah, my fear is that when our lease needs renewed we aren't going to any closer to getting engaged. I'm not going to renew the lease if that happens. My plan is to stay with him but I'm going to live on my own and perhaps slow things down. Have you thought of maybe not breaking up with him, just "branching out" a tad. Maybe if he feels that if you are more independent then he would make a committment, and that could also leave you open to meeting more people. (e.g. someone who wants what you do). Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 Well I was talking about some of the posters who were clearly just trying to say something rude about marriage and relationships...perhaps because in general they are completely against marriage. IMO...their opinions don't even matter because no matter what, they will always be against someone getting married, not caring who they are. In that case, all they are doing is pouring salt on the wound instead of trying to help. I haven't gotten the impression that anyone here is against marriage. Are we reading the same thread? Link to post Share on other sites
GrnEyedGemini Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 Then WHY are you here? For actually help and perhaps just to talk to someone who has been there. I mean...thats what I understand LS is for...am I right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 29, 2008 Author Share Posted August 29, 2008 I haven't gotten the impression that anyone here is against marriage. Are we reading the same thread? There were some posts of people saying they didn't agree with marriage for certain reasons or whatever. Doesn't matter though, people can be against marriage all they want, just like others really want marriage for themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 For actually help and perhaps just to talk to someone who has been there. I mean...thats what I understand LS is for...am I right? But she said that nothing anyone says here matters to her. If that's the case, what's the point in starting all these threads? I don't get it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 29, 2008 Author Share Posted August 29, 2008 For actually help and perhaps just to talk to someone who has been there. I mean...thats what I understand LS is for...am I right? Yes, def. You will find sometimes that does not always happen here though. But you have to take everything people say in stride. Link to post Share on other sites
yongyong Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 I gave this mexican woman (over 30) a promise ring because according to her, they get 3 rings (promise, engagement, wedding rings) total :0 Is that right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 29, 2008 Author Share Posted August 29, 2008 But she said that nothing anyone says here matters to her. If that's the case, what's the point in starting all these threads? I don't get it. I think what she meant SG, was that she would listen to advice, but she feels the way she does and posters aren't going to change her mind on certain issues. That may be what she meant by "matters." Plus giving advice, and projecting personal views on to someone else are two seperate things. Link to post Share on other sites
Shygirl15 Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 For actually help and perhaps just to talk to someone who has been there. I mean...thats what I understand LS is for...am I right? What does "actually help" means, Gemini? Does it mean supporting them, telling them what they want to hear instead of what they need to hear, perhaps? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 29, 2008 Author Share Posted August 29, 2008 Okay, anyway this is going to go off topic REAL quick so let's just stop it before it does. I appreciate everyone's input. You made a lot of valid points that have given me something to think about. Everything is okay in our relationship right now, therefore I need to just roll with the punches and chill out. Link to post Share on other sites
GrnEyedGemini Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 Yeah, my fear is that when our lease needs renewed we aren't going to any closer to getting engaged. I'm not going to renew the lease if that happens. My plan is to stay with him but I'm going to live on my own and perhaps slow things down. Have you thought of maybe not breaking up with him, just "branching out" a tad. Maybe if he feels that if you are more independent then he would make a committment, and that could also leave you open to meeting more people. (e.g. someone who wants what you do). Yeah...we have actually talked about that. He almost moved out last summer. And we talked about it a couple months ago. But neither one of us really wants that to happen. I love living with him and he loves living with me. Get this though...he asked me why, if I'm so ready to get married, why don't I ask him?! Uh..why would I ask someone to marry me when he says he's not ready? Makes me think he wants me to do the asking cuase he's scared or something! Link to post Share on other sites
GrnEyedGemini Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 I think what she meant SG, was that she would listen to advice, but she feels the way she does and posters aren't going to change her mind on certain issues. That may be what she meant by "matters." Plus giving advice, and projecting personal views on to someone else are two seperate things. Exactly LB! Forgive me for not wording it exactly that way! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 29, 2008 Author Share Posted August 29, 2008 Yeah...we have actually talked about that. He almost moved out last summer. And we talked about it a couple months ago. But neither one of us really wants that to happen. I love living with him and he loves living with me. Get this though...he asked me why, if I'm so ready to get married, why don't I ask him?! Uh..why would I ask someone to marry me when he says he's not ready? Makes me think he wants me to do the asking cuase he's scared or something! Hmm, he's just trying to throw it back on you most likely. Maybe you should ask him if he is scared to get married? And what about that scares him? And I mean just in a generic sense, no pressure or combative talk or anything just get some answers into why he isn't ready. Maybe there is something you two can work out so you will be ready. It's like Kamille said, maybe you are so intent on getting married, he feels like he is missing out on your relationship NOW. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 Marriage is important to me and it's something that I want for myself. There were some posts of people saying they didn't agree with marriage for certain reasons or whatever. Doesn't matter though, people can be against marriage all they want, just like others really want marriage for themselves. This is the second time that you say that you want marriage for yourself - which just makes me cringe. For me, marriage is about a relationship, the desire of two people to be united, to celebrate their loves together. Marriage is a celebration because it is a beautiful, happy meeting of two individuals. It isn't one's life goal to be acheived independant of what the relationship actually is. This is why I don't think you are quite ready: you want it for yourself - not for both you and your bf. I remember reading somewhere that love has many stages: at first lovers are in love for what it brings them, then in love for what they bring each other, then in love for what their love brings to others (community-family). I think you guys are still working out what you bring each other and you'll be truly ready for marriage once its less of meeting of selves and more of a combined desired union. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 Yes, def. You will find sometimes that does not always happen here though. But you have to take everything people say in stride. Right. Take anything but what validates your own thoughts in stride. Plus giving advice, and projecting personal views on to someone else are two seperate things. Again, I'm not sure what personal views you're talking about here. I keep re-reading everyone's posts and I'm not seeing anyone with an anti-relationship or anti-marriage agenda at all. Quite the contrary. What does "actually help" means, Gemini? Does it mean supporting them, telling them what they want to hear instead of what they need to hear, perhaps? Precisely. GEG is the only one who agrees with LB, hence she's the one that makes LB feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 This is the second time that you say that you want marriage for yourself - which just makes me cringe. I've noticed that too, several times...not just in this thread. LB seems to treat marriage like a ... possession or personal accomplishment or something, as though it would add value to who she is as a person. Like one of my life goals is to have a 5 bedroom house with a theater and infinity pool. I want that for myself. As for marriage, I want someone to build a life with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 29, 2008 Author Share Posted August 29, 2008 This is the second time that you say that you want marriage for yourself - which just makes me cringe. For me, marriage is about a relationship, the desire of two people to be united, to celebrate their loves together. Marriage is a celebration because it is a beautiful, happy meeting of two individuals. It isn't one's life goal to be acheived independant of what the relationship actually is. This is why I don't think you are quite ready: you want it for yourself - not for both you and your bf. I remember reading somewhere that love has many stages: at first lovers are in love for what it brings them, then in love for what they bring each other, then in love for what their love brings to others (community-family). I think you guys are still working out what you bring each other and you'll be truly ready for marriage once its less of meeting of selves and more of a combined desired union. If I wanted marriage for myself I would have married my loser ex-bf. I agree with everything you just said actually. My bf and I are actually a desired union already because we have combined our living space. So the combined committment for the rest of our lives is something that I want for the both of us together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 29, 2008 Author Share Posted August 29, 2008 I've noticed that too, several times...not just in this thread. LB seems to treat marriage like a ... possession or personal accomplishment or something, as though it would add value to who she is as a person. Like one of my life goals is to have a 5 bedroom house with a theater and infinity pool. I want that for myself. As for marriage, I want someone to build a life with. I could get myself married fairly easily if I wanted to just get married. I want to marry the man I love and who loves me. If I wanted to marry just to say I'm married I could. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 If I wanted marriage for myself I would have married my loser ex-bf. I agree with everything you just said actually. My bf and I are actually a desired union already because we have combined our living space. So the combined committment for the rest of our lives is something that I want for the both of us together. Ok, so if I get this straight, sometimes you get really caught up in the idea of marriage for your own reasons (which aren't clear to me) to the point where you might let it distract you from being in the here and now. Here are questions I would ask myself - and I don't think you should post the answers on LS (people do scrutinize what you say a lot, myself included - and besides, it would likely take you more then 3 seconds to really be able to answer them) Do you feel like your boyfriend can otherwise provide you with everything that you need in a relationship? In other words, are you sure you aren't clinging on to the idea of marriage as a paliative for other problems in your R (whether they stem from you (your insecurities) or your bf (his indecisiveness) or how the two of you interact together)? Do you feel like you want a deeper commitment because your relationship has reached that point of maturity? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 29, 2008 Author Share Posted August 29, 2008 Ok, so if I get this straight, sometimes you get really caught up in the idea of marriage for your own reasons (which aren't clear to me) to the point where you might let it distract you from being in the here and now. Here are questions I would ask myself - and I don't think you should post the answers on LS (people do scrutinize what you say a lot, myself included - and besides, it would likely take you more then 3 seconds to really be able to answer them) Do you feel like your boyfriend can otherwise provide you with everything that you need in a relationship? In other words, are you sure you aren't clinging on to the idea of marriage as a paliative for other problems in your R (whether they stem from you (your insecurities) or your bf (his indecisiveness) or how the two of you interact together)? Do you feel like you want a deeper commitment because your relationship has reached that point of maturity? Thanks, I'm going to think about those things. Link to post Share on other sites
Nevermind Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 If I wanted marriage for myself I would have married my loser ex-bf. I agree with everything you just said actually. My bf and I are actually a desired union already because we have combined our living space. So the combined committment for the rest of our lives is something that I want for the both of us togethe Not if you want something special. Just like...say...one special pair of earrings... not just any kind? Of course you don't want to marry just anybody. That would be ridiculous. But I get the feeling that you want things exactly the one way you like them. You love your boyfriend, so you want to marry him. But: you're used to getting what you want and not getting the right ring when you want it is making you extremely irritated. Link to post Share on other sites
AriaIncognito Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 Amen! I totally agree with this assessment and I also bet that Lauriebelle won't even acknowledge it as maybe its just me but it seems like she's selective about which posts she'll respond to... Yeah I noticed mine weren't replied to. What can you do. As for the "we will be happy together" part....you can't make any predictions about how HE will feel. Maybe you think YOU will be happy, but you really can't state how he feels about anything, only he can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 29, 2008 Author Share Posted August 29, 2008 LB, what is the status of you two RE: finances, schooling, work, etc. Is the promise ring maybe because he'd like to propose but feels that there are things you two need to accomplish first? If money's tight, perhaps he feels neither the wedding nor the honeymoon would be as nice as he'd like them to be. If one or both of you are still in school, maybe he'd like that to be finished and both of you in good jobs so you can better finance the beginning of your "official" lives together. Just a few thoughts tossed into the mix of negativity. Not to say that those posters aren't right, but they could be wrong as well. We are both out of school, I just finished my masters degree 3 months ago and have a good paying full time job. We are both financially stable and have good paying full time jobs. We aren't paying for the wedding so that isn't the issue at all. It's just that he's not ready to get married. I don't know what the reason is. He did say that he wanted to buy me to the birthstone ring because he thought it would make me happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 29, 2008 Author Share Posted August 29, 2008 Yeah I noticed mine weren't replied to. What can you do. As for the "we will be happy together" part....you can't make any predictions about how HE will feel. Maybe you think YOU will be happy, but you really can't state how he feels about anything, only he can. Sorry, there are like 100 some posts here, I can't really respond to everyone's individual post. As for your statement, that's true. Nobody knows how I feel except me, and the same goes for him. Link to post Share on other sites
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