Guys : Pushing reluctant guy to marry...

[Mary3]

I might resent it, true. But I guess it would depend partly on the reasons why I did not want to get married (by the way, Mary3, do you know why he was so much against marriage?).

For instance, if my main reason was that I felt to get married a huge responsability (in a "I cannot be 100% sure to be a good wife and make my partner happy, so I do not feel like marrying him" way), getting "forced" into it would partly lift the weight of the responsability off my shoulders.

 

I would not be too surprised if the guy were trying to buy himself some time, so that he can get over the shock from the ultimatum, re-think things over, get back some control over the situation, and either decide he can live with being married or end the relationship himself.

 

I am also wondering, did the girl ever promise she'd never ask him to marry her, or say she could live happily without getting married? Or was theirs a sort of implicit "we stay together for a limited time" deal?

 

Exactly ! They are getting a quickie marriage at the Justice of the Peace. No wedding reception , no friends , because he told her it costs too much money to get married , lol. I am speechless !

He has 2 kids he pays child support and does not want any more kids. SO guess what ? I guess he fears paying for a 3rd baby .

He told her * down the road we will have a reception * hello ? , this is her big marraige day...

It was the second one you said : Stay together for a limited time deal. She said produce the ring and the wedding vows Soon ! lol...

And the answer is : He is insecure and THATS why he can be taken by the balls when he is not ready. She is very pretty , hot body . popular so he figures he better marry her before some guy snatches her , hehe.

 

It seems like a big joke though . The whole thing. How can he agree after all this ?

 

geeez

[Mary3]

This is sad (expecially because it sounds like she felt desperate to get married). Does the bf know? Any chances it could have been a kind of wake-up call for him?

 

Aside from those dates (which are a huge red flag),

I do not think that "forcing" the bf into marrying her is so bad in itself.

Had she tried to get pregnant "accidentally" forgetting bith control (I heard some horrible stories), *that* I would find manipulative and selfish, but I do not see much difference between "marry me or I am breaking up" and "I love you, but I am breaking up with you because I am not happy continuing the relationship with you since you won't marry me". I actually find the former more honest, at least he did not have to try and read her mind, and she let him know exactly where the problem was, giving him a chance to stay with her, which is more than most dumpees get.

 

Wow he sure does NOT know. She had to lie to him ( I dont like being in the middle~ I dont like lying to anyone ) she told him she was with ME ! I just decided if he called to verify I would not pick up. I remain the silent party. But like I said I am not that crazy about the guy anyway , but if I told him that would betray my friend. You see what I mean ?

[Lizzie60]

My friend has been with her boyfriend 3 years.

 

All during this time he told her " I dont want to get married "

 

She also wants kids. He said " I don't want kids , I already have 2 kids "

 

She wanted this for 3 years and told him she was going to leave. She joined a dating site , had miserable success and went back to him and gave him an Ultimatum:" Marry me or we are done "

 

She told him they needed to get a ring. They looked for rings. She wanted an expensive one. He got her the one she wanted.

 

I asked if he formally asked her to marry him ? . She said no.

 

So basically they are getting married soon.

 

Guys : How do you react to a woman who gives you an Ultimatum to marry or else ?

 

I told her it does not look good for her future since he did not ask her years ago and now will marry her only because she wants it .

 

What do you think ?

 

She also wants kids and he says he will give them to her...

 

 

From what I read.. he's spineless and she's a control freak... is it going to work out... simple answer NO... you know it.. we know it.. and she probably doesn't care at this time..

 

She's heading for disaster and she's voluntarily heading for it..

[carhill]

OP, do you think this friend has some psychological issues?

 

Can't speak for other guys, but I'd run for the hills from this one. I don't care how good looking she is or what kind of fellatio she provides. Something is just wrong....

[Mary3]

OP, do you think this friend has some psychological issues?

 

Can't speak for other guys, but I'd run for the hills from this one. I don't care how good looking she is or what kind of fellatio she provides. Something is just wrong....

 

I can't figure it out unless having a baby or being married is some status symbol. She is definatley not insecure. Very strong and beautiful women but she feels she is lacking by not producing a child. Yet her boyfriend has few friends and is clingy with her. He is insecure and jealous. Why the heck anyone would want THAT forever , is beyond me...

[Lizzie60]

I can't figure it out unless having a baby or being married is some status symbol. She is definatley not insecure. Very strong and beautiful women but she feels she is lacking by not producing a child. Yet her boyfriend has few friends and is clingy with her. He is insecure and jealous. Why the heck anyone would want THAT forever , is beyond me...

 

Thing is.. even if they want that forever.. they won't get it forever.. it just won't last..

[Mary3]

Thing is.. even if they want that forever.. they won't get it forever.. it just won't last..

 

I agree with you Lizzie...

[carhill]

OP, I've known a couple women like this (as friends, no relationships) and I was pretty sure they had some psych issues. What I learned in psych is that any behavior which interferes with otherwise healthy relationships should be examined. The lengths to which this friend is going to, mainly, it appears, to reproduce, smacks of something unhealthy going on. The phraseology you use surrounding this, to me, is alarming, if accurately portraying her behaviors.

 

I see it this way....someone who is attractive and well-mannered superficially can mask a lot of issues because people are blinded by the superficial. It's only when someone gets underneath all that where the truth and reality comes out. It's often not pretty.

 

Hope I'm mistaken about your friend, but her guy really needs to grow some b@lls or he's gonna be in for a life of servitude. Hope he's up for that.

[BentSpine]

, but if I told him that would betray my friend.

You mean, by "betraying" that you would have said what your friend wanted you to say. And to do that, you would have to tell a lie. Well, that's a too high price to pay IMO. No friend is worth betraying your own character.

[Mary3]

You mean, by "betraying" that you would have said what your friend wanted you to say. And to do that, you would have to tell a lie. Well, that's a too high price to pay IMO. No friend is worth betraying your own character.

 

The situation went like this : " I told ______ that I am going to be with you tonight when in reality I will be out on a date. " I said I did not want any part of that and if he called I would not pick up the phone. So what part of that did I play if the scheme was to have me be in it without my knowledge. ?

 

Some of the ways she goes about doing things is amazing I know . I only know I don't do those things and would never force a guy into marraige. So if I don't follow her lead and don't believe in what she is doing is right , can I overlook all this to still be her friend ?

 

Regarding the psyche issues. She was born in a foreign 3rd world country where poverty ran amuck. She dreamed of coming to America. She wanted a white man . She prefers no other. A white man that will support her financially . ( once again I dont think this way myself ) . Her major life goal is to marry this white guy ( I am white btw ) she is of Spaniard descent. To marry and have a comfortable life.

 

I know I know. We all have needs. I have emtional needs. She has financial needs. The type of person who NEEDS a guy to make good money.

 

IN her mind that makes for a great life, In my mind a great life is passion and chemistry

[Mary3]

OP, I've known a couple women like this (as friends, no relationships) and I was pretty sure they had some psych issues. What I learned in psych is that any behavior which interferes with otherwise healthy relationships should be examined. The lengths to which this friend is going to, mainly, it appears, to reproduce, smacks of something unhealthy going on. The phraseology you use surrounding this, to me, is alarming, if accurately portraying her behaviors.

 

I see it this way....someone who is attractive and well-mannered superficially can mask a lot of issues because people are blinded by the superficial. It's only when someone gets underneath all that where the truth and reality comes out. It's often not pretty.

 

Hope I'm mistaken about your friend, but her guy really needs to grow some b@lls or he's gonna be in for a life of servitude. Hope he's up for that.

 

When I see them together ( rarely ) its like a brother sister kind of relationship. Like 2 buddies . She bosses him around and he talks smart back to her. I don't feel love or passion when over there. I feel like its a ...whats the word..? A relationship of conveinance ?? . I dont see the romance. I am confuzzelled about what exactly they have together ?

 

She needs someone to pay the bills. He needs a hot mamacita ( and shes HOT ) to be in his bed ?

[carhill]

I know a convenient relationship well. This is how my friend describes her current R. She stopped saying "I love you" a while back because he would never say it to her. I'm sure they have sex, because apparently he's very sexual, but there is minimal emotional connection. It works for her because she prefers a more emotionally distant man but likes the security and companionship of having a man around. My take is she doesn't want a man to get too close, perhaps due to emotional scarring from childhood or past relationships. That became the essence of our incompatibility because we're fundamentally different in that regard. I got too close and it became very annoying to her. I have the exact same issue with my wife...distance. I couldn't imagine having sex with someone who is emotionally distant, but it apparently is OK with them. Acceptance

 

If you look around, you'll see signs of these "relationships of convenience" everywhere. My friend was the person who first defined them for me in those terms. BTW, her "guy" never wants to get married again either. He didn't even recognize her officially as his "girlfriend" until around the time I re-appeared, nearly 7 years after they started dating. Interesting, isn't it...

[flc]

I would walk. If you have to go to that lengths to get someone to marry you why would you want to marry the guy?

 

My current thinking is I will only remarry if my partner really needs this to feel committed. Frankly I don't need it and my experience is that marriage never adds any additional guarantee for commitment anyway. As for kids, been there done that, no more babies for me.

[Mary3]

I know a convenient relationship well. This is how my friend describes her current R. She stopped saying "I love you" a while back because he would never say it to her. I'm sure they have sex, because apparently he's very sexual, but there is minimal emotional connection. It works for her because she prefers a more emotionally distant man but likes the security and companionship of having a man around. My take is she doesn't want a man to get too close, perhaps due to emotional scarring from childhood or past relationships. That became the essence of our incompatibility because we're fundamentally different in that regard. I got too close and it became very annoying to her. I have the exact same issue with my wife...distance. I couldn't imagine having sex with someone who is emotionally distant, but it apparently is OK with them. Acceptance

 

If you look around, you'll see signs of these "relationships of convenience" everywhere. My friend was the person who first defined them for me in those terms. BTW, her "guy" never wants to get married again either. He didn't even recognize her officially as his "girlfriend" until around the time I re-appeared, nearly 7 years after they started dating. Interesting, isn't it...

 

You see , for me personally , I need the love and the excitement. The passion and the romance. I had that for 4 years with someone. Loved making love everyday , the key in the door hearing him come in was exciting for years ! We just had an amazing connection.

 

This living together like platonic business buddies would bore me to no end....thats what it was like when I went over there. She also says she does not look for romance but instead a healthy bank account , lol...

[carhill]

I think the perspective you described is a pretty healthy one. That said, one cannot impose one's perspective on another, rather only choose to be with a person with whom they find a compatible perspective. This is the real gift I've received from MC and helped me understand the psychologies of both my friend and wife much better (they're surprisingly alike and get on well when together in person) and why I really can't be fulfilled with either one (if I accept their current perspectives as their truth), regardless of what love I might feel.

 

You may find this funny, but my friend is actually the office manager for her BF's business. That's how he introduced her for years, even though they were a couple and sleeping together. Some guys

[Mary3]

I think the perspective you described is a pretty healthy one. That said, one cannot impose one's perspective on another, rather only choose to be with a person with whom they find a compatible perspective. This is the real gift I've received from MC and helped me understand the psychologies of both my friend and wife much better (they're surprisingly alike and get on well when together in person) and why I really can't be fulfilled with either one (if I accept their current perspectives as their truth), regardless of what love I might feel.

 

You may find this funny, but my friend is actually the office manager for her BF's business. That's how he introduced her for years, even though they were a couple and sleeping together. Some guys

 

Thank you Carhill. That was very nice

[almost famous]

Not a problem. He realized that he didn't want to lose her and did want to marry her and loved her enough to have children with her. When you love someone that much, that is what you do. He loves her that much. He already knows and loves her, as by now he should or he wouldn't be marrying her. He realized that she deserved to be married and he realized that he wanted to give that to her.