Why does this board consider the ex wanting to come back a bad thing?

[nowhereman82]

I've notice a trend on this forum where if the ex did something to hurt the OP and left them....and then later says they made a mistake and wants them back....everyone says they are just using you to fall back on.

 

I am curious as to why everyone feels humans are infallible and that the OP themselves weren't "selfish" themselves?

 

How Fox doesn't mind me using him as an example, but he has a post in the "coping" section that inspired this. His ex of 8 years cheated on him and they have been separated 5 months. She has shown remorse from what I can tell and wants to try with him again.

 

Some of the remarks were that she was selfish doing what she did and was only thinking of her self. And to have nothing to do with her.

 

Please keep in mind that this is just one example and there are lots of other reasons ex's leave the OPs.

 

So what about the OPs? Were they not selfish for not meeting the emotional needs or physical needs or whatever is was of the ex? I could comfortably say that the OPs in some way failed their ex by not paying attention or not caring or being selfish about some issue or another and was partially to blame for the ex's actions. Notice this is not always the case but be honest with yourself....you weren't all "perfect".

 

I am guilty of this. I hurt my ex and I didn't realize it until we were done. She hurt me in return. She contributed and ultimately caused the final straw. But i'm no better than her...we just did it in differant ways and she was the dumper and I was the dumpee.

 

Can you all really look in the mirror and say your **** don't stink and your ex is selfish for wanting to try again? Granted it's case to case....but people do have remorse and genuine love and sometimes it takes a seperation or an event to make the 2 realize the depth of what's really going on.

 

Anyhow I am rambling. Please chime in Just seems everyone classifys the ex as a selfish POS and to forget them.

[norajane]

In most cases, regardless of who was or wasn't selfish or whatever, neither of them has actually "changed" much during the break-up. Nor have the issues that led up to the break-up been resolved. It's all papered over with "I'm sorry" and "I miss you so much" or even "I miss having someone in my life" kinds of emotions.

 

So when they come back, eventually, the same issues and actions and reactions will resurface. Which will probably lead to another break-up.

[BCCA]

Exactly as norajane says. If you dont fix the cause of the breakup, which takes two people devoted to doing so, all youre doing is delaying the inevitable. I've yet to hear any stories of an ex calling and saying theyve screwed up and really love the person. Usually, the ex's Ive had come back at least, they just kind of try to sneak back into your life without committing to work out your issues. And, it never works.

 

No one is saying their s**t doesnt stink, but you when some one leaves you theyre essentially giving up trying. Theyre abandoning you. Sure, its partially your fault, and you should have done this or that, but the fact remains that if you were willing to work on things together and the other person wasnt, they quit on you. That shouldnt be taken lightly or easily forgiven. They made you feel like crap, hurt your feelings. You need to make sure theyre remoseful for that or theyll do it again.

[nowhereman82]

That doesn't seem to be the usual response though.

 

Also how can you tell they haven't changed? I imagine any smart person would have heart to hearts over time with their ex to see if they really have before putting both feet in the water so to say.

 

Assumptions shouldn't be the basis for action in my opinion.

 

If you don't know if the pool is heated or not....why assume the pool is warm? Got to stick your hand in to find out. Just don't dive in because you might be in for a shock!

[BCCA]

That doesn't seem to be the usual response though.

 

Also how can you tell they haven't changed? I imagine any smart person would have heart to hearts over time with their ex to see if they really have before putting both feet in the water so to say.

 

Assumptions shouldn't be the basis for action in my opinion.

 

If you don't know if the pool is heated or not....why assume the pool is warm? Got to stick your hand in to find out. Just don't dive in because you might be in for a shock!

 

Because as long as its easy to come back, it will be easy to leave again. You need to make sure theyre making a commitment, not looking for convenience. You need to make sure theyre interested in making things right, and if their first call is something random that doesnt state that they want to change, chances are they dont. People rarely change, never for other people.

[norajane]

But that's just it - they often do just dive right in without having those heart to hearts over time.

 

And no, most people don't change a lifetime's worth of learned behaviors and beliefs in a few months. When people change, it's over a much longer time period, and must have been accompanied by a sincere desire to alter their behavior AND a true alteration in their beliefs.

 

Especially in cheating situations, it's a bad risk. Not everyone chooses to cheat when they're in a bad relationship. Something within a person causes them to make a choice to cheat instead of working on the relationship with their partner or ending it before seeing other people. So, unless that person has done some significant and sobering reflection accompanied with a true understanding of the weaknesses in their own character that allowed them to choose the cheating path, along with a sincere desire to never make that kind of choice again, and with a sincere desire to EARN their ex's trust again, they are a very bad risk.

 

And that level of revelation and discussion just doesn't usually start with a "i want u back' text. They just dive right back into it.

[nowhereman82]

Yea I understand all of that. And agree. I would not touch my ex with a 10 foot stick

 

Guess what I am asking/looking for her is that it seems like there is always the same response to those type of posts on here. I don't know off the top of my head what each person said but seems to always be the case.

 

Maybe it's because they posted here because the ex just contacted them out of the blue? Just seems to be a lot of responses of forget her and not "these are things to watch out for and to ask and feel out to see if things are truly differant"

[Ronni_W]

Just seems to be a lot of responses of forget her and not "these are things to watch out for and to ask and feel out to see if things are truly differant"

Interesting points you raise. Just theorizing, but perhaps those types of responses are also a reflection of what other info is contained in the question? Example1: "My ex did this and that, and it still hurts/makes me angry, and now s/he wants to us to try to patch things up. What should I do?" -- FORGET him/her.

 

Example2: "My ex and I were very immature, we both see that now. He finally got a job that he likes, and I've realized I can function without hearing from him every 3 hours. We've stayed in contact though that hasn't been easy. We're thinking about maybe trying again. What do you guys think?" -- Go check it out but proceed with caution.

 

I mean, hopefully those who respond don't just have a single, standard answer for any given situation...because every situation is unique despite there also being that general 'basic problem'. Hopefully responders also consider context, age and other factors, and clues offered by the OP.

[Angel1111]

First of all, a lot of people think that once someone has an affair, it's all over with. And they come up with some really choice names and phrases to describe people who cheat. These people are very shallow and live in a black and white world. The truth is, no one can know the character of a person just because they cheated. Most of the time, when people cheat, they are at the end of their rope and believe - at least,m in that moment - that they no longer care about their current relationship. And, as you say, their spouse or bf/gf most likely contributed to this feeling. Each time I say anything along these lines, I can be certain of numerous posts attacking me personally and all people who cheat. I've learned to ignore it.

 

On the other hand, there are those relationships where there's so much dysfunction or one person has done so much damage that they probably shouldn't get back together because the same thing will happen all over again. This happens all the time and even though I prefer to see people make an attempt to make it work, because at least they know they tried, this is not always good. But most of the time when someone has left a person without telling them why, or who has said or done irrevocable things, if a person takes them back, they're usually begging for trouble. To me it really depends on the circumstances.

[norajane]

Maybe it's because they posted here because the ex just contacted them out of the blue? Just seems to be a lot of responses of forget her and not "these are things to watch out for and to ask and feel out to see if things are truly differant"

 

 

I agree with Ronni that it has a lot to do with what is posted and the way it's posted.

 

I know I've read posts where the OP is obviously still head over heals and isn't thinking rationally - they just want their ex back soooooo bad, they'll accept anything in order to get them back. So sometimes it seems like they need to be hit over the head with the message not to take them back because you know they really really want to, and it would most likely be a disaster.

 

Kind of like pulling someone back when they're about to step in front of a bus. You don't discuss it with them - you just grab them and pull them back so they don't get run over....nooo!

 

I also think it has a lot to do with the people replying. Not everyone expresses themselves the same way, but the end message is the same.

[Trialbyfire]

To use your example of Fox and his cheating ex, have you ever cheated nowhereman? If not, why not? If so, what were your reasons for cheating?

[sunshinegirl]

First of all, a lot of people think that once someone has an affair, it's all over with. And they come up with some really choice names and phrases to describe people who cheat. These people are very shallow and live in a black and white world. The truth is, no one can know the character of a person just because they cheated. Most of the time, when people cheat, they are at the end of their rope and believe - at least,m in that moment - that they no longer care about their current relationship. And, as you say, their spouse or bf/gf most likely contributed to this feeling. Each time I say anything along these lines, I can be certain of numerous posts attacking me personally and all people who cheat. I've learned to ignore it.

On the other hand, there are those relationships where there's so much dysfunction or one person has done so much damage that they probably shouldn't get back together because the same thing will happen all over again. This happens all the time and even though I prefer to see people make an attempt to make it work, because at least they know they tried, this is not always good. But most of the time when someone has left a person without telling them why, or who has said or done irrevocable things, if a person takes them back, they're usually begging for trouble. To me it really depends on the circumstances.

 

Yeahhhh.... my situation is one of the rarer examples where I really don't believe I contributed to his cheating. He found out two weeks after his divorce was finalized that his ex-wife was remarrying the OM. He flipped out, and cheated on me.

 

ANYWAY, on the broader issue, I don't care how many heart-to-heart conversations two people have about trying again, words are cheap. Period. And intentions are worth squat if the person doesn't actually CHANGE THEIR BEHAVIOR.

 

Case in point, my cheating ex and I broke up twice. The first time, he blindsided me with "my ex and I are going to try to reconcile one more time." A month later that fell apart, they filed divorce papers, and he was back on my doorstep.

 

I made a big show of saying "we have to communicate better - you need to keep me informed of what's going on...you can't surprise me like this again." He was all "yes yes yes, I know, we do need to communicate better, you're right, it was very hurtful what I did to you..."

 

I thought - great! We're on the same page. Game back on! And I got back together with him.

 

Well you know what? His behavior didn't change a WHIT. Not one whit. I still had to pull information from him like blood from a stone. And less than a year later, he pulled the same blindsiding me ***** and left me for someone else.

 

So my personal experience is that the second chances really are, for the most part, doomed to fail. For anyone who contemplates giving someone a second chance, please don't think that a few conversations where you each SAY you'll do things differently will guarantee success. Again, words are cheap.

 

[nowhereman82]

SSG, do you feel you could of done things differently to tell things weren't going to work the second time, earlier on?

 

TBF: I had thought about cheating, and had flirted a couple of times but I never went through with it. The only reason I even thought about it was I was horny lol and she didn't have the same drive as me. In the end I always came to the conclusion it wasn't worth it to go around with that guilt. I couldn't of told the person I was with I had cheated.

 

That's why we have porn

[Trialbyfire]

TBF: I had thought about cheating, and had flirted a couple of times but I never went through with it. The only reason I even thought about it was I was horny lol and she didn't have the same drive as me. In the end I always came to the conclusion it wasn't worth it to go around with that guilt. I couldn't of told the person I was with I had cheated.

With this in mind, why would Fox take back someone who doesn't have a reasonable line in the sand? In order to take a cheater back, you have to learn to fully trust them again. If you don't trust them, you'll be watching your back for the rest of the relationship which can cause some serious issues within you.

 

As another member mentioned, talk is cheap when you've lost something you didn't realize you'd valued as much. Cheating is a selfish act. Do you think it's easy to stop being that selfish?

[nowhereman82]

Back to my pool analogy.

 

Not every cheater is always a cheater.

 

Note I am just making these arguments for arguments sake. There is truth behind both views.

[Trialbyfire]

Back to my pool analogy.

 

Not every cheater is always a cheater.

 

Note I am just making these arguments for arguments sake. There is truth behind both views.

In Fox's situation, his ex wanted to cheat on her new b/f, with Fox. The new b/f was the one she cheated on Fox with.

 

Now do you realize why Fox has been told over and over again, that she's not worth a second chance?

[sunshinegirl]

SSG, do you feel you could of done things differently to tell things weren't going to work the second time, earlier on?

 

I would have told him to come back when he had signed divorce papers in hand.

 

I didn't make him work, AT ALL, to get me back. I didn't make him take ANY risks or take ANY time to process his divorce. I was a soft landing pad for him, offering love, warmth, sex, and companionship without requiring the same in return.

[movingonandon]

This is a good thread, and it should be noted that it drew very reasonable and sober replies. It seems that the consensus is that there are 1) no universal 'rule', but more importantly 2) that there is some REALLY SERIOUS work to be done on the side of the person who broke things off.

I don't think this is unreasonable.

Obviously, I am biased/relieved to hear this, given that of course I'd like to take my ex back but I did put a stop to this and made it abundantly clear that there is no point in discussing it until i see some convincing action.

 

there is a subtle difference here: I do this not because I think i am infallible/because of the god complex - I've made many mistakes in the relaitonship. But cheating removes the very fundamentals of the relationship, so some excrutiating work needs to be done by the other side to merely level the field. If not, it sets the precedent that certain mistake can excuse cheating again, in the future. There can be no excuse for cheating, simply because if one adopts that line of thinking, they will ALWAYS find an excuse. For some it will be communicaiton problems, for other it will be that they don't go out as much as they want.

[BCCA]

I dont think anyone here, under the RIGHT circumstances, would completely ignore the possibility of getting back together with an ex, but a lot of people (myself included) have gone through the break up to make up routine a couple of times with the same person, and understand the odds of it working out. Unless you remove yourself emotionally from that person (which is where the NC/moving on comes in) you're going to listen to what they say and think things are going to be different, but they probably wont be. If some one is "unsure" about you today, why wouldn't they be tomorrow?

 

You just dont hear many stories of the ex's coming back, saying they really made a mistake and they want to make things right, and then doing that. Its always like they sneak back into your life, they havent really changed at all, and youll be doomed from the start. Its just not worth it, thats why a lot of people say just forget it.

[movingonandon]

sneak back into your life, they havent really changed at all, and youll be doomed from the start. Its just not worth it, thats why a lot of people say just forget it.

 

I think this is key - i.e. you are doomed if you let them sneak in without major work done. It's like driving drunk and injuring someone. Of course that once you sober up you will be extremely sorry, you will beg the judge to give you another chance, and will promise (including to yourself and believe it), that you will never ever do it again (drink and drive). But unless you sufer through ALL the consequences required by law, the chance is that you WILL do it again. Essentially, the consequences force you to evaluate your drinking problem, and hopefully really teach you something. Same with the cold reception when an ex wants to come back - of course they feel sorry, miss the familiarity of everything good etc. But unless they suffer through an extended period of reflection and ambivalence, there is rarely any point, i think.

[CaliGuy]

Why would anyone want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them? There is no greater torture in this world than to be sitting next to someone you love with all your heart yet they do not feel the same way about you.

 

Chasing someone who doesn't want to be with you only STOPS you from meeting the person who DOES.

 

Chase and ex, never heal.

Let them go, someone else is free to find you. Someone who truly loves you just the way you are.

 

Make sense to you? Sure does to me.

[Curmudgeon]

Just seems everyone classifys the ex as a selfish POS and to forget them.

 

Well, she is, but she has an excuse. She has narcissistic personality disorder. But beyond that, she's just plain mean. She's the one who left and I'm the one who was dumped. Regardless, it took a few years but I finally reached the blessed state of indifference. I care about her because she's the mother of my children but I certainly don't care for her.

 

I've neither heard from, spoken to nor seen this woman in almost four years (all my children are now adults) and that's very comfortable for me. All she ever did was complain, insult, attempt to get more money from me and try to cause trouble between my wife and me. None of us need that.

 

Given all the above, plus some, I wouldn't take her back for anything.

[coffeemaker]

What if its a coming back together after 6+ years apart? My ex from college and I started talking recently after a long time and there's still something there. She was 20 and I was 21 at the time, and the breakup stemmed from, at least to me immaturity and lack of communication, neither of which given the time that's past are deal-breakers. Immaturity come from a lack of self-awareness and the communication issues, well, can be worked on too. I don't know what the harm in trying again would be if both of us were willing to try it.

 

Anyway, i think given enough time and a willingness on both parties to work on and correct the issues of the past, that it can work. Perhaps i'm just naive?

[Ronni_W]

I don't know what the harm in trying again would be if both of us were willing to try it.

Anyway, i think given enough time and a willingness on both parties to work on and correct the issues of the past, that it can work.

There would be no harm at all, in trying. Just be cautious and keep your mind, heart and ears open. And exercise good judgment when your mouth starts moving. (This goes for your partner, too, btw .)

 

Sometimes it's really just that us old fogeys get jaded...or want/expect younger people to learn from our mistakes, or something. But we never learned from our parents, and you guys sure ain't gonna learn from us. We always forget that part.

 

So, while older generations do have tons of wisdom and insight and experience to offer, also best to use your own good sense when taking our counsel. (When in doubt, go with your own gut/intuition.)

[Curmudgeon]

Under circumstances like those, I'd give it a try. At the ages you were, six plus years bring with them a great deal of growing, experience and maturity.

 

In my case it all happened after 25 years and I was almost 50. Guess it took that long for me to get wiser, huh?