foxh1234 Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Since I have been mentioned a few times I thought I would chime in. My ex wanted me back and apologized and cried for another chance. The problem is I don't trust her, believe her or want to get hurt again so I will never be with her again. I will find another person who loves me and won't cheat on me, or at least I hope they don't. I am not against any ex coming back and trying to work on things, just in my case it won't work. This is a personal decision, but cheating on me ends our relationship forever, no exceptions. If anyone else wants to try and work on a realtionship with a cheater, I have nothing bad to say about it. A realtionship without 100% trust is doomed to fail, in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
coffeemaker Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 In my case it all happened after 25 years and I was almost 50. Guess it took that long for me to get wiser, huh? Wow - 25 years is a long time! I'd love to hear more about that story. I'm still debating whether not to reopen the can of worms and would have to proceed with caution. I can definitely look back and see the mistakes and missteps I made that led to the demise of the R. Frankly, we're both to blame. Anyway, I don't see the harm in an ex coming back or wanting to try again if enough time and distance have passed. We'll see though. I'm still feeling & thinking it out! Link to post Share on other sites
coffeemaker Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 A realtionship without 100% trust is doomed to fail, in my opinion I would agree. Depends on the circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Wow - 25 years is a long time! I'd love to hear more about that story. Very simply, we grew apart after 25 years and five children. I was not the best of husbands. She was not the best of wives but thought she was perfect. Everything was always my fault, apologies meant nothing and I got to the point where I didn't want to hear her. She started her first ever job in preparation to leave me (not that she told me that's why she started the job), was insulated by a coworker who made his interest in her obvious, left me, moved him in with herself and my two minor daughters and filed for legal separation only (for financial reasons, no doubt). I immediately counter-filed for divorce and she got and has remained nasty. Now mind you, this was all about 14 years ago. She married her boyfriend before the ink was dry on the divorce order and he was killed in a car accident less than four years later. I remarried and am still married approaching our 12th anniversary. She's estranged from all our children whom she originally alienated from me, is alone and but for a settlement she received from being run over by a car, she has no income. She'll blow through the walk-away money she received soon enough and that will leave her with about enough monthly income from settlement for her wine and cigarettes. Meanwhile, I've more than recovered financially and will retire comfortably in less than a year. My wife and I have excellent relationships with all my children and grandchildren, and hers as well. In summation, she left me, she cheated (for the second time), she alienated and emotionally abused our children. She's now been struck down by the karma train several times but in her mind I'm sure it's all still my fault even though we live 1,200 miles apart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nowhereman82 Posted August 31, 2008 Author Share Posted August 31, 2008 Wow....I am frankly shocked at how horrible your ex wife's life turned out. There is always a cost to decisions you make. Link to post Share on other sites
coffeemaker Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 karma sure is a b*tch. Link to post Share on other sites
ahhhchooo Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 I don't see it black and white that you shouldn't ever consider taking a cheater back, but the general comments from people seem to be more along the lines of "make him/her WORK to get you back"... if the person isn't willing to do that, then how much do they really care or value the relationship? When you first go out with someone, you don't have to fight for trust, the emotions just carry you through and you trust til it's broken. Once it's broken, I think it's only right that the person who did the breaking should have to earn that trust back the hard way, or it leaves the door open for it to be broken again. I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm majorly insecure of the same thing happening again. Link to post Share on other sites
ahhhchooo Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 Wow, Curmudgeon, that is one helluva story! I wouldn't wish that luck upon anybody! Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 Wow, Curmudgeon, that is one helluva story! I wouldn't wish that luck upon anybody! Nor would I. Nor did I. I never wished her anything but a decent life. I just didn't want to be in it anymore. She's the mother of my children and 25 years has to count for something. I care about her. I simply don't care for her. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 Nor would I. Nor did I. I never wished her anything but a decent life. I just didn't want to be in it anymore. She's the mother of my children and 25 years has to count for something. I care about her. I simply don't care for her. Nicely put, Curm. My sentiments exactly regarding my ex-husband. Welcome back!! Some relationships stand a chance while other are beyond reparation. It takes good judgement to discern the difference. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nowhereman82 Posted September 1, 2008 Author Share Posted September 1, 2008 Wonder if someone more senior here with more wisdom that I would make a second chance FAQ, kind of like the NC one. Basically what are deal breakers, what's the best way to proceed, under what conditions is it ok to even contemplate letting the ex having a fair chance, and what kind of BS to look out for. Etc, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted September 3, 2008 Share Posted September 3, 2008 Nicely put, Curm. My sentiments exactly regarding my ex-husband. Welcome back!! Some relationships stand a chance while other are beyond reparation. It takes good judgement to discern the difference. Thank you, Marlena. Sorry, sad but valuable experience. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted September 3, 2008 Share Posted September 3, 2008 Wonder if someone more senior here with more wisdom that I would make a second chance FAQ, kind of like the NC one. Basically what are deal breakers, what's the best way to proceed, under what conditions is it ok to even contemplate letting the ex having a fair chance, and what kind of BS to look out for. Etc, etc. I've said it a million times. The ONLY possible considerations for me to ever consider taking an ex back: 1. There was no infidelity involved. Cheating is a life-long deal breaker for me. 2. They admit they made a severe mistake and rushed to judgement and earnestly are trying to earn you back. Yes, I said EARN. 3. Whatever issues that caused the breakup are resolved. 4. There are no third parties involved (IE: another ex). 5. We start over from scratch. 6. Enough time has passed that both people have changed in a positive manner. 7. You can live with or without them and are happy, confident and carefree no matter what happens. In other words, if a second breakup with this person will break you, don't do it. Think self-preservation here. 8. Always remember the rule: Believe NONE of what they say and ALL of what they do. It's not their words that matter, it's their actions and behavior. Honestly, there is no real reason for second chances unless the dumper hasn't moved on to a new relationship (which is not often the case). I personally believe that if someone can walk away from you, especially when they have an issue with you that they can not communicate clearly, they really don't love you. I always bring Foxh123's case up because his is significant in many ways. She cheated on him for months, then broke it off, then moved in with the new guy, then wouldn't talk to him. 3-4 months later she is beating down his door to come back. By then it was far too late. The damage had been done. Eight years together down the drain because she couldn't communicate her issues to him. Is there some reason you think you'd have a better chance with the same person than with someone new? I can't think of many other than the old comfortable shoe seems more inviting than a brand new pair. Tread second chances with caution. I'm willing to bet that 95% of them don't work out and not only leave you hurt a second time, but much farther back in the healing process than you would have been had you just accepted the break up and moved on with your life. Cheers. Link to post Share on other sites
sid3 Posted September 3, 2008 Share Posted September 3, 2008 So true. Never listen to what they say, like CG said, it's how they act. I have learned this the hardest of ways. It's not pretty, in fact, it's as bad as it gets the second time around. The reality is, the only one that can put us out of our misery is ourselves. I am starting to see that most ex'es come back only for validation and their ego. Link to post Share on other sites
movingonandon Posted September 7, 2008 Share Posted September 7, 2008 I don't see it black and white that you shouldn't ever consider taking a cheater back, but the general comments from people seem to be more along the lines of "make him/her WORK to get you back"... if the person isn't willing to do that, then how much do they really care or value the relationship? When you first go out with someone, you don't have to fight for trust, the emotions just carry you through and you trust til it's broken. Once it's broken, I think it's only right that the person who did the breaking should have to earn that trust back the hard way, or it leaves the door open for it to be broken again. I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm majorly insecure of the same thing happening again. That's a good point, and I have exactly this situation on my hands. The question is how much work is good enough? Clearly, trust won't come back just like this, but what particular actions are "good enough"?? Link to post Share on other sites
movingonandon Posted September 7, 2008 Share Posted September 7, 2008 I've said it a million times. The ONLY possible considerations for me to ever consider taking an ex back: 1. There was no infidelity involved. Cheating is a life-long deal breaker for me. 2. They admit they made a severe mistake and rushed to judgement and earnestly are trying to earn you back. Yes, I said EARN. 3. Whatever issues that caused the breakup are resolved. 4. There are no third parties involved (IE: another ex). 5. We start over from scratch. 6. Enough time has passed that both people have changed in a positive manner. 7. You can live with or without them and are happy, confident and carefree no matter what happens. In other words, if a second breakup with this person will break you, don't do it. Think self-preservation here. 8. Always remember the rule: Believe NONE of what they say and ALL of what they do. It's not their words that matter, it's their actions and behavior. Honestly, there is no real reason for second chances unless the dumper hasn't moved on to a new relationship (which is not often the case). I personally believe that if someone can walk away from you, especially when they have an issue with you that they can not communicate clearly, they really don't love you. I always bring Foxh123's case up because his is significant in many ways. She cheated on him for months, then broke it off, then moved in with the new guy, then wouldn't talk to him. 3-4 months later she is beating down his door to come back. By then it was far too late. The damage had been done. Eight years together down the drain because she couldn't communicate her issues to him. Is there some reason you think you'd have a better chance with the same person than with someone new? I can't think of many other than the old comfortable shoe seems more inviting than a brand new pair. Tread second chances with caution. I'm willing to bet that 95% of them don't work out and not only leave you hurt a second time, but much farther back in the healing process than you would have been had you just accepted the break up and moved on with your life. Cheers. I agree with all of the above, except perhaps with point 1, since of course that's the situation I'm dealing with right now. I think that infidelity is no different than any other act of "dumping". It does not mean that I suggest that it is in any way acceptable! It simply means that perhaps there are scenarios where the actions of the peson who did wrong *might* indicate true change. Though it is unlikely and though it will involve major, major effor. Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted September 7, 2008 Share Posted September 7, 2008 I agree with all of the above, except perhaps with point 1, since of course that's the situation I'm dealing with right now. I think that infidelity is no different than any other act of "dumping". It does not mean that I suggest that it is in any way acceptable! It simply means that perhaps there are scenarios where the actions of the peson who did wrong *might* indicate true change. Though it is unlikely and though it will involve major, major effor. To each their own, I say. If you can learn to get past it and be ok, then more power to you. Everyone is different. Link to post Share on other sites
movingonandon Posted September 7, 2008 Share Posted September 7, 2008 To each their own, I say. If you can learn to get past it and be ok, then more power to you. Everyone is different. Yup, exactly, but see, that's why this needs to be a mutual effort. I believe that *anyybody* can forgive if they decide to do so. The question is why should you *chose* to forgive? This has nothing to do with the religious crap on forgiveness. Of course I can do it, but what's my incentive? I am way past the anger stage and have "let go" of the 'trauma' - the event does not bother me as such, but forgiveness does not mean that you have "let go" of the responsibility of the person who did whatever they did. I think that christianity has done nobody a favor with all of the bul**** on unconditional love. I say unconditional love within limits and with moderation . Link to post Share on other sites
wizard71 Posted September 11, 2008 Share Posted September 11, 2008 Why would anyone want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them? There is no greater torture in this world than to be sitting next to someone you love with all your heart yet they do not feel the same way about you. Chasing someone who doesn't want to be with you only STOPS you from meeting the person who DOES. Chase and ex, never heal. Let them go, someone else is free to find you. Someone who truly loves you just the way you are. Make sense to you? Sure does to me. Chasing someone who doesnt want to be with you only STOPS you from meeting the person who does...... Does that sum it up or what? Makes perfect sense to me caliguy, well said. Link to post Share on other sites
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