LDR problems

[notmenotme]

My ex broke up with me last year and dated soemone else, then we got back together a month ago. The problem is that she is very unemotional sometimes and seemingly nonchalant about our relationship and me. She tells me that I shouldn't stay in all the time, and i need to get out. Sometimes (almost daily) she calls me a "loser", but she says this in a funny almost cute way but I know that she may mean it because she says it so much. We live in different countries and when I do go to visit her I stay with her for 2-3months at a time. We get along wellwhen things are good, but when we have arguments (we usually stem from my paranoia and I guess neediness; she isn't that affectionate so it makes me get stupid sometimes) things are bad. She tends to get really angry over small arguments, and will ignore me for a day or so. She keeps telling me I haven't changed, but I really don't know how I am supposed to keep her on her toes. We dated for 4 years before we broke up, and now I cannot help feeling that I am boring to her. If I don't call her or if I break my patterns she gets angry and asks me why I haven't called, etc.

 

To be honest it's making me a bit of a mess. I'm worried that she will find someone else. She is not the type of girl that I can just tell this too either, because she would just laugh and call me a retard. Not to say she's not worth being with, because she is, but I guess I just want to know how to make things fun again and keep her on her toes without pissing her off. I feel like I am a bit of a bitch to her, because I don't go out and I'm kinda scared to go out because of fear that she will start going out to and then meet someone else. I know that if I can work out a way to make her respect me as a man and be excited by me and this whole thing that would give me the confidence to be that man.

 

So really I'm looking for some advice on how to demonstrate to her that I am a man and I am not pussy whipped, and how to keep this exciting again without pissing her off enough to leave me because she thinks I'm out all the time (which in turn would surely give her permission to go out partying, which I don't really want because she may start doing crazy ****). It's hard though because I have allowed her to get at me and almost control things.

 

On one hand I don't want her thinking I'm hanging with lots of girls, but on the other I don't wanna look like I'm at home working all the time as I normally do (I work online). I want to demonstrate value and social proof to her without annoying her too much or making her think I'm neglecting her or something.

 

Anyone?

[Hoosier09]

I feel for you. To be brutally honest, I think you're putting up with too much. You may not think it is a big deal, but she is being verbally abusive to you. You HAVE to confront her on this. If she cares for you at all, she won't think you're a retard. And if she says you're a retard, that should be a HUGE RED FLAG.

 

For a relationship to work, you both have to work at it. From what you say, it looks like you're always having to prove yourself. Don't you think you would be a lot happier with someone who respects you for who you are? You shouldn't have to change yourself.

 

I honestly think that this isn't going to work out. You can try talking to her, but if that doesn't go well, then there isn't much hope. If you are having these serious fights, think about how much worse they will get in the future. How much will she control you in the future? How much worse will the verbal abuse get? You may not think it is verbal abuse but anything that she says that degrades you or hurts you is verbal abuse. Hopefully, if you talk about it, she will realize what she is doing wrong.

 

It just sounds like you're trying hard and getting nothing in return. I know it will be hard to move on, but think about how much happier you might be with someone else in the future. Just know that you don't have to put up with this. My girlfriend would never say anything to purposely hurt me or control me. I hate to be the one to give bad news but I hope it helps. Good luck. I hope it can work out.

[Jordane]

This sounds like a very one-sided relationship to me.

 

For one, calling you names such as "retard" or "loser" in an even half-joking matter is inappropriate and should be addressed immediately. You don't say things like that to your friends and definitely not your significant other. They are hurtful and unnecessary and if she laughs and scoffs you off when you address that then you need to firmly tell her you weren't' joking. If she decides to give you the cold shoulder for something SHE did wrong then let her and don't apologize or try to make her feel better...she is in the wrong and it seems that she has never had to own up to that.

 

As for the going out, you probably should but I don't know why she is forcing the issue so much...maybe because she wants free reign and you are preventing her from being able to do that as you don't go out much. Long distance is hard though and friends def make it so much easier to bear so if she wants to go out she should. If you feel the need for her to stay in the house because you are afraid she will leave you then THAT is the problem, a major trust issue which needs to be resolved before you can have a healthy relationship with her. You obviously have unresolved issues from the first time she left you and you really need to sort those out with her before you take it any further.

 

She sounds a bit immature and self-absorbed and if those are qualities that cause tension then they need to be addressed. Don't get sucked into an unhealthy relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship.

[acook]

I hate to jump on the bandwagon here but I have to agree with the other replies. Namecalling is unkind, even under the guise of joking. You deserve better than that.

 

No doubt, relationships require work and effort but there has to be effort from both partners. Sometimes, it is better for your own healthy self-esteem to walk away. You deserve to be with someone who builds you up and makes you feel good about yourself and your relationship. That's what love is all about!