toughgirlNOT Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 First of all, a little background is needed here cuz it's complicated...as all relationships are. I have been w/my bf for a year now after being divorced for 8 yrs. I am so happy we found each other and we have really fallen hard for each other. I finally feel a sense of peace inside that I have never felt before. We are very good for each other and our opposite traits really make our relationship work. Although in some ways, being opposites presents problems. We have been through A LOT in only one year. I know it has only been a year but I still get so excited to see and talk to him. We miss each other when we're not together. My kids absolutely love him..which is HUGE! Here's my problem that I don't know how I should handle...throughout the year my bf has been through some legal & financial troubles and I have helped him out w/them...substantially. He is sort of just getting back on his feet and he does not make very much money. He has 3 children, one of which just went to college. So over the past few weeks, he has been spending all of his money on things that he son needed for college. We share an apartment and I have been financially supporting that. He sent his son off to college with all his school supplies, dorm room supplies, snacks & drinks, mini fridge and abt $100 or so. What upset me was that the other day my bf told me that he was going to send his son some mail w/money. When I asked him how much money, he said $50. Later that night, I told him how my feelings were hurt because I feel like I'm am getting paid last or never. He said he feels as though I am holding the money he owes me over his head. He wants to set up some kind of payment plan for paying towards the household expenses and towards paying me back...but then wants money leftover in his pocket to be able to spend. I disagree with both. He said I do not understand and I would do the same for my son when he goes to college. Let me say again, this is coming from a man who makes less than $1100/month..for now. The bottom line is that he just doesn't make enuf to do everything and I don't think he's being fair or thinking of me. So, how do I handle this because I know he wants to be there for his son? Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 ...but then wants money leftover in his pocket to be able to spend. I disagree with both. I'm not understanding -- is it that you'd prefer it so that, if your b/f wants to buy an ice-cream or go for a beer, he needs to get the money from you before he can do proceed? It's a difficult situation. To me the 'payment plan' sounds like it might be very effective in resolving matters. Or is it that the power struggle is around how MUCH that payment plan ought to include? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 He wants to set up some kind of payment plan for paying towards the household expenses and towards paying me back...but then wants money leftover in his pocket to be able to spend. I think that's fair and reasonable. You can't expect him to give you every penny he earns in order to pay you back faster. He does need to be a good dad and take care of his son, and he does need to have money of his own that you aren't controlling. You should have discussed how he would pay you back before you loaned him the money so this mismatch in expectations wouldn't have occurred. Both of you need to set up your own budgets and a combined budget for household expenses. Link to post Share on other sites
demrea Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 .....this is coming from a man who makes less than $1100/month.. well considering he has a college age son, how can he be earning so little? he needs to get a real job I would suggest. even before taxes, if he is working full time thats not even $6.40/ hour!!!! thats a student wage. i must be missing something. either he is not working full time or he is working at McDonalds. is he physically limited from working an adult job? Link to post Share on other sites
Tormented311 Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 I'm currently going thew something similar. I don't think the payment plan is a good idea for someone making so little. Especially if he is continously borrowing from you, the next thing you know he'll owe you a thousand dollars and is paying you 50 bucks per week and you've got kids yourself. He needs to get a better job, pay what he can afford, and make his son get a part-time job even if it's only one day a week. Link to post Share on other sites
Gold Pile Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 Eventually you will fall out of love. You will regret all the money he will never pay back. Dump him now or at least cut him off financially. Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 He's got 3 kids,one in college, I'm going to assume here that he brings home under $1.100 a month due to court ordered child support? Now you are stuck sitting there,paying his share of household bills as well as loaning him money? The two of you need to have a quiet but direct conversation, he needs to pay his full share of household bills and make a repayment plan towards what he owes you.If you don't settle this now,you'll be supporting him till he dumps you and moves onto the next one. If you weren't in the picture he'd have to pay rent and other bills, the landlord wouldn't care if this meant he had no spending money.This guy seems to think you're obligated to pay his way because he's got to pay child support for his pre-existing children, don't let it happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 What do "you" think is a fair way for him to pay you back? Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 He wants to set up some kind of payment plan for paying towards the household expenses and towards paying me back...but then wants money leftover in his pocket to be able to spend. I disagree with both. He said I do not understand and I would do the same for my son when he goes to college. Let me say again, this is coming from a man who makes less than $1100/month..for now. Someone's out of touch with reality. He should have a few coins in his pocket because if you derive no direct benefit from your labors, pretty soon they cease. However, HE'S POOR! When you're poor you tell your children that if they really want a college education they'd better consider community college for two years, work hard for scholarships and grants, consider student loans and get a job. As for him, unless he's earning very little because of medical issues, he needs to get another job; maybe two. At $1,100 a month he's earning less than federal minimum wage, he's working part-time or that's his net income after child support payments are deducted. He needs to do more. My advice: Tell him that! Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted September 2, 2008 Share Posted September 2, 2008 In my experience, lending a boyfriend a HUGE amount of money is a big mistake. My ex manipulated and lied to me in order for me to charge his rent (1600 bucks) on my credit cards, with the intent that when his loan came through he would pay me back. Well surprise, surprise, it didn't come through, therefore I was stuck with a HUGE credit card bill and nobody to pay it. He made payments to me for awhile, but I was so sick of his lies that I broke up with him. He continued to pay me for awhile, then finally just stopped. So I got screwed. My advice is to not rely on this guy. He shouldn't have borrowed the money from you in the first place. A little loan I can understand, but it is NEVER a good idea to loan substantial amounts of money to SO's with no means to pay it back. Find a way to pay back the money yourself. You can do a payment plan, but unfortunately you run the risk of him making excuses why he can't meet the payment arrangement or him saying that he will pay you double next month (both things my ex said to manipulate me). I feel sorry for you he is doing this to you, my best advice is to get what you can out of it, but don't expect the money back from him. You should really look at your relationship as well, chances are this will become a pattern with him and you will end up miserable like I did. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted September 3, 2008 Share Posted September 3, 2008 In my experience, lending a boyfriend a HUGE amount of money is a big mistake. My ex manipulated and lied to me in order for me to charge his rent (1600 bucks) on my credit cards, with the intent that when his loan came through he would pay me back. Well surprise, surprise, it didn't come through, therefore I was stuck with a HUGE credit card bill and nobody to pay it. He made payments to me for awhile, but I was so sick of his lies that I broke up with him. He continued to pay me for awhile, then finally just stopped. So I got screwed. My advice is to not rely on this guy. He shouldn't have borrowed the money from you in the first place. A little loan I can understand, but it is NEVER a good idea to loan substantial amounts of money to SO's with no means to pay it back. Find a way to pay back the money yourself. You can do a payment plan, but unfortunately you run the risk of him making excuses why he can't meet the payment arrangement or him saying that he will pay you double next month (both things my ex said to manipulate me). I feel sorry for you he is doing this to you, my best advice is to get what you can out of it, but don't expect the money back from him. You should really look at your relationship as well, chances are this will become a pattern with him and you will end up miserable like I did. At the risk of being old-fashioned, traditional and ::::shudder:::: practical, if you haven't married him, or her hasn't married you, don't go into debt for, provide for, support or lend money to him! Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 3, 2008 Share Posted September 3, 2008 I say (to both women and men), lend, support or go in debt for ONLY IF you understand that you're doing it purely out of the goodness of your heart and, for added safety, make the assumption you'll not see dime one in return -- that way, at least you don't resent it if/when that happens. For me, doesn't matter what is the relationship between you and the person in financial need. So I guess I'm "old-fashioned and jaded" when it comes to this...but I got nothing against practical . Link to post Share on other sites
spookie Posted September 3, 2008 Share Posted September 3, 2008 Why is he making so little money? How did you expect he would pay you back? Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted September 3, 2008 Share Posted September 3, 2008 Why is he making so little money? How did you expect he would pay you back? Yeah, I'm wondering the same thing. I mean my ex bf told me he had a loan coming through, so it made sense on my part that it would be a huge sum of money that I could pay off my credit cards with. What made you lend him this huge amount of money knowing that he wouldn't have means to pay you back? Link to post Share on other sites
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