My Ex Keeps Texting Me

[loving_coca-cola]

I'm a 22 year old girl out of college, and my boyfriend of 9 months (also 22 and from the same college) broke up with me a few days ago. The reason was mainly because his parents hate me with a passion because of false rumors they have heard, and because they think I'm a party girl which I'm not. I also think that some of the reasons that they tell him aren't really valid reasons, since they have always been famous for never liking any of his girlfriends or friends.

 

Of course, he said that his parents weren't the only reason why he broke up with me. I think that maybe he didn't see a future with me, since he said that he "loves me, but you're not the one". But his parents have also said to him out of anger that "it's either the family or the girl". So maybe, for a close family like his, and for someone who loves his family so much, these words were really strong to the point that he would break up with me.

 

2 days after we broke up, he sent me a text. He talked about what he has been doing for the past few days, how he's working hard for his next karate test, about the weather, for me to take care, and to let him know what I was up to. I sent him a text a day later, simply answering his questions. He texted me a day later again, asking how my day was, and hoping that I was having a great day.

 

We have been friends for years, so I'm wondering whether he has no feelings for me at all, but doing this because he wants to stay friends? Or are these texts showing some kind of hope that he may love me enough to try things over, so that we could persuade his family together. Please help...

[citizen67]

Best thing to do is just behave like you don't care. Its probably better for you not to be involved with someone with such a mean family. They sound judgmental. Also "I love you but your not the one" isnt very promising. If you break it off all together, and act like you don't have a care in the world, least of all about him, there's a possability that it will draw him in and he will want to get back together. I hope that happens, and I hope when it does you laugh in his face and then say "never gonna happen!"

[loving_coca-cola]

Thanks for the advice

 

I try to behave like I'm not really into it by sending him short texts that just answers his questions, but I guess I should go to the extent of not answering at all, huh?

 

I'm not sure if I'll laugh at his face, but if it happens, I'm sure I'll give him a really hard time about it

[Angel1111]

Yep, the 'i love you but you're not the one' thing will come back to haunt you over and over. Even if the two of you got back together and eventually married, every time you had a disagreement, or every time he felt restless, he would remember that there was a time when he didn't want to stay with you and knew you weren't the one for him. Then he'll get angry at himself, and angry at you for not taking him seriously. Those first instincts are very important. So really if it were me, it wouldn't matter about hope or anything else - even though I'm a die-hard hopeful. In this case, words like that, feelings like that, are something I could never get past because he meant what he said. So he may be missing you because he's used to being with you and the connection is hard to break, but he should leave you alone because he pretty much crossed a line by what he said and by breaking up with you. I would stop answering his texts.

 

His family may be close but they are not loving. They wouldn't be so conditional with each other by giving him ultimatums. Loving people let others make their own mistakes and learn from them. Not to say they don't intercede when someone is really screwing up, or who makes a mess of their lives, but he's only 22 and is in college - I doubt he has screwed up that much. I love my son unconditionally and there is nothing he could ever do to make me turn my back on him. Your xbf's family is just controlling and if they're like that, it's possible that he is that way, also.

[Cartwright]

hey I know how hard it is when someone you care about so much just ups and leaves you for really no reason. My ex texted me for a year after we broke up and he had a new gf this whole time. Just last night he told me that he had to let me go to find out what he wants. yes the text just might mean that he still cares about you but also it means that hey i want to keep you around until i choose what I want to do. I can't believe i let it go on for a year but I loved him very much and i know that no matter what anyone says on here you will have to make that choice to text him back or let him know what he is losing. I was told everything I wanted to hear last night and then shot down. You will have to be strong and show him that you are ok. You will be ok trust me I know. But just be careful about the text thing bc it can hurt you in time. Be strong on know that you will find the one.

[loving_coca-cola]

Thanks for the replies.

 

He called me yesterday, and asked me how my day was and everything. Then he asked me if we could meet up for dinner. I kind of agreed... Then before I hung up the phone, he said, "oh, and I just wanted to let you know that I told my whole family that we broke up". He was so cheery and perky while he said this, and throughout the whole phonecall too.

 

So I said, "oh... ok. So why do we need to meet up?" He answered, "isn't the fact that I want to see you a legit reason?" I just kind of laughed and hung up. He hasn't changed his facebook profile yet out of "in a relationship". I should just avoid all contact with him, maybe...

[loving_coca-cola]

Thanks ryanrigney22.

 

I wish that was the reason. But I don't see why he has to emphasize that he told his whole family?? It kind of felt like he was telling me that it's really really over. But then again, he said that he called me because he wanted to see me... This is so complicated.

[me007]

"loves me, but you're not the one".

 

Not to give you false hope, but to me he could of possibly said that because his family didn't want you to be the one. Maybe he seen it as a very uphill battle if you were the one and dealing with his family. Maybe he sounded cheery telling you he told his whole family you and him were over so he doesn't have to worry about hearing what they say anymore?

 

It sounds like his decision was more of his family's and not 100% his. It could of been stressful for him and he figures making it look like he broke up with you would get them off his back. He might want to see you so he can have the best of both worlds.

 

I would back off and give him time to think things through.

 

Have you tried talking to his family? If he wants to get you back you'll have to tell him to tell his family he is serious about being with you and they'll have to accept you because he plans on being with you for a long time.

[verve]

You need to take time out from him to compose your thoughts, then take it from there.

[loving_coca-cola]

Hey guys,

 

Thanks for the replies. I met up with him yesterday, and it turns out that it wasn't really his parents, but that it was me.

 

We met up, and we weren't awkward at all. We were really friendly, had a fun dinner, and when we got out of the restaurant, he told me that he wanted to go out for a walk. So I asked him what his real reason for asking me out that night was. "I guess I wanted to tell you in person, that it's over," he said.

 

I calmly asked him why, and he said that his decision might not be a rational one, but that he just thinks that it's best that we stay friends. He said that he doesn't see himself with me in the future, and that looking back, he thinks that our relationship's theme was comprised of his wishy-washiness and my insecurity.

 

I told him that I hadn't be insecure for about the last 4 months in the relationship, and he agreed. But then brought up that looking back, he said that maybe he couldn't stand up for me because his feelings for me have always been wishy-washy. He realized this when he knew that he should stand up for me but couldn't.

 

He also told me that the moment he thought he didn't like me anymore, was when he realized that everything he thought that I was doing for him, was in fact, for myself. So when he ditched me, a week before he dumped me, I gave him a hard time. Supposedly he thought that it was because I wanted him to learn that it was wrong so that he could grow. But then he said he realized I was saying everything so that I could feel better about myself, and that I was insecure. Some of what he said was true, but some stuff, I really said because I cared for him.

 

He told me that it would be a lie if he said that he wouldn't be upset if I had a boyfriend sometime soon, but that he would be lying if he said that he wanted to be with me too.

 

After the talk, he gave me a hug and told me that it's hard for him too, but that when he looks back, he won't regret this decision. We walked around for another 30 minutes or so, while he showed me stuff that he's written, found fun stores, and what not. In the end, he hugged me again, and walked me to my train platform thought it was all the way away from his.

 

I just feel like all his reasons aren't such a big deal? Is he thinking too much? Can one fight really be so destructive? I can't help but feel that there is going to be a "next time" for us when he's acting like this, and his reasons aren't too persuasive. I guess in the end, he just didn't feel the love for me anymore. I wonder if it's possible to get it back...