Tree Posted August 13, 2003 Share Posted August 13, 2003 I'm looking for advice from folks who are in long-term successful marriage or committed living together arrangements. What advice can you give to those of us who are at the relative beginning long-term relaltionships? I've been living with BF for 4 years and we just recently brought up the idea of marriage. We haev been through quite an extended period of dissatisfaction on my part, but I still love and care for him and want to make it work. In responses, I'm very interested in how you have gone through the rough spots, what makes a long-term committed relationship work, how to ensure long-term happiness, etc. Also, knowing your relationship background would be helpful too. (how long rel. is, how many other long-term rel. and why they ended, what you learned, etc.). Thanks in advance! Link to post Share on other sites
IRULE Posted September 10, 2003 Share Posted September 10, 2003 you put up with alot Link to post Share on other sites
cindy0039 Posted September 10, 2003 Share Posted September 10, 2003 Compromise. Link to post Share on other sites
Jamie31 Posted September 10, 2003 Share Posted September 10, 2003 Well, I am only in my 4th month of marriage, but I have been in a committed relationship with my husband for over 4 years now. I think the most important aspects of a relationship are trust and communication. Me and my husband hardly ever fight, and when we do, it's just petty arguments. And that's a given when you are around someone so much. I think the reason we are able to get along so well, aside from the fact that we love each other so much, is the fact that we trust each other wholeheartedly. If he wants to have a boy's night, I let him..no problem. I know that I can trust him to do what he says he is going to do and be where he says is going to be. I never have to worry about him being dishonest. In the 4 years we have been together, I have never once caught him in a lie..even a small one. And I think that counts for so much. Things are kind of hard financially between us right now, because I am a full-time student and we are basically relying on my husband's income to support us. That can get hard, and money is one of the largest causes of marital problems. But me and my husband work through it and we figure things out without making it a problem. We don't let it come between us. A marriage is hard work. But as long as you have a strong foundation built on love, respect, trust and communication and are willing to make the effort and do your part, it can be a wonderful blessing and you can have someone to be your life partner. Marriage is a truly wonderful thing as long as the woman and the man both contribute 100%. I don't believe that a marriage is 50-50...I think it's more like 100-100. Making sure to be there for your partner and fufill his needs while in turn he does the same for you. It's hard work, but it has great rewards. I hope I helped, and good luck to you and your BF!! Link to post Share on other sites
IRULE Posted September 10, 2003 Share Posted September 10, 2003 i have been married for 19 years and lived together before that 5 years. we moved in together when i was 17 he was 19, its been hard but i think when you get married to think of it as for keeps. so i put up with him and he puts up with me, it just depends on how committed you are.bad comes with good.divorces are not easy but staying married sometimes is harder. Link to post Share on other sites
tabbico Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 My husband is my best friend, and vice versa - I am sure this a big part of our relationship. We love to talk to each other, and laugh and share things - I know it sounds hokey, but we really enjoy each other's company. We have had our ups and downs, but in the endI really love him and want to be with him, so that has brought us through all sorts of stuff, like his having an affair. I would say that the way we make our marriage solid is that we do not take it for granted and believe that we constantly need to work at our relationship and be committed it it. Link to post Share on other sites
Amyandjs Posted October 15, 2003 Share Posted October 15, 2003 Flexibility and compromise. Don't be too set in your way. Life is a wonderful adventure and if you are committed to go through life together, you will have a different outlook facing the challenges through the years. Amy (12 years and counting). Link to post Share on other sites
niko1999 Posted October 15, 2003 Share Posted October 15, 2003 Ok, well, I have only been at it for almost 15 months, but we have been living together since the beginning of may(6 months), and we have ups and downs, like every relationship. But we still laugh and have lots of fun with eachother. EVery relationship is going to ahve ups and downs, high and low pointes. YOu just have to learn to live with the low pointes, and enjoy the high points, and make them last. Also, communication is a big plus. LIke, Jamie, we too have had some financial trouble becuase I am a full time student as well, so though I can support myself in terms of car payments and bills, I dont pay rent or anything. Which can be tough at times. BUt luckily he is not the kind of person to grow (too) resentful. You need to compromise as well. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 15, 2003 Share Posted October 15, 2003 I polled some people in long-term relationships to ask the same thing. In each case, it seemed that the partners had found something about the other to admire, respect, and love and that admiration, respect, and love never wavered. In one case, the wife loved the husband's ability to care for his daughter. In another, a husband admired his wife's kindness. It seemed to me that they all found one virtue or good characteristic about the other which, to them, defined the entire essence of that other and for which their admiration never wavered. It'd be interesting to hear if the people answering this question feel that way about their partners. Link to post Share on other sites
cindy0039 Posted October 15, 2003 Share Posted October 15, 2003 Originally posted by moimeme I polled some people in long-term relationships to ask the same thing. In each case, it seemed that the partners had found something about the other to admire, respect, and love and that admiration, respect, and love never wavered. In one case, the wife loved the husband's ability to care for his daughter. In another, a husband admired his wife's kindness. It seemed to me that they all found one virtue or good characteristic about the other which, to them, defined the entire essence of that other and for which their admiration never wavered. It'd be interesting to hear if the people answering this question feel that way about their partners. Absolutely. Without that I don't think you can have a long-term relationship. The respect has to be there, the admiration. Otherwise you don't have the motivation to compromise and to hang in there when the going gets rough. It's the foundation, so to speak. I admire my husband for his loyalty, his support, his devotion, the fact that he has a great work ethic. Sure he has his faults, but you have to look past those sometimes and dwell on his qualities instead. And thank goodness he does that for me also. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted October 15, 2003 Share Posted October 15, 2003 I don't think there is an accurate predictor for what marriages will last over the long haul. People change. Circumstances change. I think that when two people stay together in love and harmony, it's because BOTH of them made the decision to do the work for it to last. I think there's a great deal of truth in every one of the above posts. But the human factor is always there. And what would you define as a successful marriage these days? I think any that last more than five years has done very well. The most successful, of course, are those that end with the natural death of a spouse...as ironic as that may sound. Just because two people remain together in the same house for life doesn't make for a good marriage. If they aren't happy and don't communicate, they are NOT in a marriage. I'm not sure what you would call it. It just takes two of the absolute right people, devoid of selfishness and with a burning desire to be together and love each other no matter what...through temptation, PMS, unemployment and other financial problems, medical and family crises as well as the good and great times. I don't think examples will help anybody. Every marriage is a separate, unique organism and what will take it to grow and strengthen over time is unique to that singular relationship. Unreasonable expectations, the inability to forgive, the inability to acknowledge that your partner is a fallible human being will all cause the demise of what might have been a wonderful life partnership. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 15, 2003 Share Posted October 15, 2003 inability to acknowledge that your partner is a fallible human being Acknowledge, and also forgive, right? Seems that a lot of people are all too ready to acknowledge the other's failings Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted October 15, 2003 Share Posted October 15, 2003 In a word: Communication In a Phrase (from the movie Galexy Quest): Never give up, never surrender! Been with my husband 20+ years. We separated a couple of times, went to counseling, learned to communicate and HOW to argue or disagree. I used to think that my marriage was rather unique - 'till I found internet boards like this one. In a nutshell - we both had lots of baggage, stopped having sex which made a huge impact on our marriage. Learned to deal with that (we celebrate a celibate marriage now) and decided what was most important to us as individuals and as a couple and we live and work in those boundries we set for ourselves. If you have some dissatisfaction in your marriage - determine exactly what it is you are dissatisfied with, and what you feel needs to happen in order to rememdy the situation. Then ask yourself if your husband is truly capable of those remedies/actions. Then talk to him about it. He may have some dissatisfactions of his own. If you approach everything with an attitude of working it out and do not get defensive or resentful you can continue to move forward and find even more happiness then you thought possible, or you may determine that something is a deal breaker and dissolve the marriage with closure and be able to move on from there. Hopefully you will stay together. That's how its worked for us and we are very happy with each other. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 15, 2003 Share Posted October 15, 2003 In a Phrase (from the movie Galexy Quest): Never give up, never surrender! *LOVE* that movie! LOL. Love the slogan too! Never thought to make it a motto for marriage but it fits Link to post Share on other sites
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