The 'married man' discussion continued !!

[sylviaguardian]

You said that you had 2 long-term relationships that ended horribly. How do you think this is going to end? Look after yourself and stop giving this spineless narcissist a cheap thrill.

[greeny]

Prettyblueeyes, I am "the wife" in the situation. Your story gave me chills because I just went through the same exact thing...only i am the "wife" in all the drama. My husband of 6 years works with a young girl. They've become great friends. One night he took her home from an office meeting and leaned in to kiss her. She didn't hesitate. Afterwards, they both agreed that it was crazy thing to do. She being married for only a month and he being married for 6 years...together for 9...2 kids. This was the night I tried and tried to call him because my 4 year old little girl wanted her daddy to tuck her in. No answer. 4 or 5 days later I found a greeting card in his computer bag with a women's handwriting on it. The "other woman" wrote how she enjoyed their secret encounter that night and couldn't wait for many more adventures. I guess she didn't think the whole thing was too crazy. After confronting him with this card, he admitted to me that they have become close that she has confided in him with all of her life long problems, but have not had sex. Alcohol was involved. He said that they both know that they have nothing to offer each other. I was devestated. Unlike other people, our marriage was very strong (or so I thought), sex life was great, etc. This was a total shock to me. I never in a million years ever thought this would happen to me. I was forced with a decision I wasn't prepared to deal with at the time. Should I stay or should I go? Where would I go? I'm a stay-at-home mom with 2 toddlers...no job. What the hell was I going to do? I fell into a deep depression where I couldn't eat, sleep, be a good mother. I hated everything I saw everyday. I took my kids to the park one day and it was a beautiful day and I hated it! After hours and hours of talking, he swore to me that it meant nothing. It was just something that "happened". He said he would look for a new job, etc. I wrote a letter to the girl just to let her know that I was aware of what was going on. I also told her to tell her husband...poor guy had only been married a month. I don't know if she ever did but now, 3 months later she still works with my husband. I can't go to the company christmas party because I don't want to see her and then again I do because i want to say some thing to her face to face. I'm confused, hurt. Through all of this I found out I am pregnant again! My days suck. Does my husband love me anymore? He says he could love no one else, but I can't trust him right now. What do I tell my children?

I understand you didn't tell your story to be tackeled with horrible comments. We don't know you. What i do know is this isn't a game. It may feel good to you right now and fun, but ask your self if you would want to be hurt like this. What if you were in my postion. It hurts more than you will ever know. Please, think about this relationship before you get in any deeper. You sound like an intelligent and attractive girl who could probably get any guys she wants. As much as it may sadden you to loose a friendship, it will be so much better for everyone in the long run if you just kept your distance.

[StillHurtin]

You said " I can't go to the company christmas party because I don't want to see her and then again I do because i want to say some thing to her face to face. I'm confused, hurt."

 

Go to the Christmas party and hang all over your dh. I was going to do the samething at my dh's Christmas party but the OW got him fired two months prior to that. I didn't want to go to any company functions either but I did. The only one I went to was the company picnic the summer dh had his affair (we were seperated). The OW never showed up, she knew I was going to be there. Go, and have a good time

[Dane1965]

Reading this discussion I asked my self these questions:

Why write a topic about having an fair, a topic which is supposed to take place in this forum, when you almost know that people will come up with harsh remarks and at may times black and white comments?

 

Are we all perfect? Are we all perhaps insensitive or maybe its a such difficult and devistating issue that we only can hope that the ones who have been hurt one way or another will get some hapiness and peace in their life, by reading these forums? But how do we then tell others, in an objective manner, what's right and wrong? And how do we explain that falling in love , even when you have been married for so many years, can take place?

 

Its all about making a decision. Its all about looking very closely , if you are married, why you have chosen your spouse? What were the reasons? Why do you have kids with her? And perhaps why do you think that there is a gap to be filled, a gap mostly run by lust, but it can also be an emotional gap.

 

And what do you do if you have found your true love and perhaps realized that it isn't the person you have been with for so many years. Well, I guess if that if there are noble feelings and determination to achieve happiness, that you want to have the result in your "Mr scrooge" period (when you get older) be thinking that you have made the right choices in your life.

 

Sometimes we choose for egoistic reasons. It sually is. the art is to show more compassion to the ones close to you. But sometimes our needs are stronger or so strong that you cannot find any way out and simply want to have one day with joy. perhaps make changes for the rest of your life. Then again, you can also choose to work on your relationship. And perhaps make it more beautifull.

 

I think that you need to understand that if you are the person who is not married, man or woman, you should take a higher responsibility since you are the one with a greater option to choose. it cannot be true love with such a short time frame. love comes with the years. if you had come with some story saying, I have been in love with this man for many years. Maybe that would have created a different angle.

 

If you are 21 , young and full of spirit, you should seek a way to get out of this. and I must agree with some of the comments, is to stop having him to take you home. I have not yet heard from you that this is something truly deep. Something worth talking about to enforce any radical changes. So for your own ego, pride and respect, seek someone who is single and enjoy the fact that you are young and have so much in front of you. If it is friendship you have with him, then he would understand that you have created the rules and friendship, if it lasts, When reading some of the comments, the best thing is for you to try to put you in his wife's shoes. "what if this happens to me?". Nobody would like to think that the one and only is seeing another person.

 

Where I live they made a statistic recently and I heard it on the local program that the rate of those who starts an affair were almost higher for women then for men. My point is that we should not neglect the stories for those who have endured pain, but men and woman , both are looking for ways to reach some higher purpose of love, or simply , sadly (most of the times) just lust. My point here this is not something only married man do, also woman how are married. Just to put things in an objective manner.

 

The second question I had after reading all the comments is:

This is a known topic. Its a serious topic. Why is it that we don't try to avoid any harsh and to sometimes immature comments when dealing with this. Why don't we try to stay objective and see things thorougly by helping those who have been in pain to give then a better understanding (i would simply ask my self so many questions if my wife would have an affair. Loose my selfconfidense etc etc)...Why not trying to analyze if its really worth talking about , and hopefully try to help each other to support one another and bring some relief and at the same time good objective advice?

 

Life is complicated. It is not easy. if you don't have respect for your loved once , how can you have respect for yourself. I think perhaps in a very simple way...do you treat you best friend with disrespect no...neither should you do with your spouse...because your spouse, according to my believe, should be your very best friend.

So here is my last advice? If you want to, confront hmi with" what would you wife think of this if she knew it? What is it you want with me? Do you think this is good? If it is friendship then we should perhaps deal with this so much different? There are perhaps more questions..and the result would be dependent of the guys honesty and feel of responsibility...

 

end of the day, is that you need to realize the impact of such an fair if it goes that far. And create for yourself, the mirror effect, of how you would be his wife's shoes. If this is just a fling and you don't want to get seriously involved, then I truly advice to stop it!!!!! even the so called friendship

[lynnered]

i just read ur post i met a guy(5yrs ago)that was nice(not married yet)he had gotton his girlfriend pregnant and didnt know what to do well we became just friends talking fast forward 2yrs he married her well after being friends 2yrs we became lovers and have been for 3 1/2 years i was going to leave him about a year ago he said he would leave her soon well you guessed it he hasnt i love him i am miserable i highly recommend you leave it alone unless he becomes legally separted the pain ive gone through and still am i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy learn from my mistake

[littleflowerpot]

it still seems to be so unclear for all of us exactly what this board is for. for me, it's a place to go to talk about my situation with people in similar situations or that have been in similiar situations or even that have NEVER been in this situation but have good advice and assistance with insight i might gain. so we have some people in this thread telling everyone to lay off blue-eyes because this is a place for we people involved in affairs to come and speak our minds. but that isn't the sole purpose for this place. she came here talking about her situation and she knew she was gonna get some feedback and even welcomed it. if she was heartbroken or torn up about the situation, that would be one thing. even then, the honesty of some of the views could be very helpful if only she would try to think about it and gather insight. but she really did come off as gloating. she's having fun and that's the reason of primary importance for her. she's glib and acts as if there's nothing at all wrong with this picture. that kind of cockiness is bound to get her some strong feedback. no one gets a free pass in this world and you get out of life what you put into it. that's a cliche for a reason.

 

she didn't come here looking for advice. she came in gloating and on a high from her affair (yes, it IS an affair - whoever said that romance outside of marriage - or a primary relationship - even without sex, is an affair was right). she needs to open her eyes and see what could happen here. if she wants to risk her own heart and emotional safety, that's on her.

 

there really are no good excuses for an affair no matter what the situation. at some basic level, we know affairs are wrong. that doesn't make everyone involved in an affair out to be a heartless skank but there really are some heartless people out there having an affair. there's a subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) difference.

 

blue-eyes needs a wake up call. take that advice from another blue-eyed chica.

 

oh, and my money is on a blow job before the end of january.

[CurvyGurl]

No patience, understandng, or sympathetic hugs for someone who feels it's ok to destroy a committed relationship, let alone a marriage.

 

Guy is married. Not available. Committed to another. Not open season. Ceases to become an option for dating. NOT.FOR.YOU!

 

Any man who would forsake his vow for a quick roll in the hay with a 21 yr old is a worm. Plain and simple. If he's unhappy, get some counseling or get a divorce. If he's happy, then you're not an option either.

 

Grow some self respect. How dare you even think people would encourage it, and glide on your happiness and give you advice as to what should happen!

[erika2610]

Originally posted by CurvyGurl

No patience, understandng, or sympathetic hugs for someone who feels it's ok to destroy a committed relationship, let alone a marriage.

 

Guy is married. Not available. Committed to another. Not open season. Ceases to become an option for dating. NOT.FOR.YOU!

 

Any man who would forsake his vow for a quick roll in the hay with a 21 yr old is a worm. Plain and simple. If he's unhappy, get some counseling or get a divorce. If he's happy, then you're not an option either.

 

Grow some self respect. How dare you even think people would encourage it, and glide on your happiness and give you advice as to what should happen!

 

Here we go.. people like you make me so mad. I've been in her shoes.. only my affair with the married man lasted a year. People who HAVEN'T been in these shoes have NO room to judge. I have plenty of self respect for myself & who said she's looking for encouragement? Nobody's looking for anybody's 'approval' sometimes ya just can't help who ya have feelings for. You can help who you sleep with.. but sometimes your feelings are just too strong. In any regards, my whole point is, like I said. If you've never been in her shoes, you have NO NO NO room to judge..