Old story (in love, she's a friend) with a twist: how your life can be hellish!!!

[Sbrizio]

Just wished to vent here some thoughs...after a short story (10 month ago) with a coworker-friend, i've completely fallen for her, she consider me as a friend, and in facts, we have a extremely good connection. Last 9 months of my life have been a hell and just lately i'm starting to see road going up again...very slowly, though.

 

I wish i could go NC with her, but we share workplace (we are in visual contact at work), friends, interests; we live near each other and practice the same sports. So i'm keeping up a milder version - not starting any contact first and keeping distance (emotionally and phisically) as much as possible.

 

Problem is, she's really too near. Events chains up in a way we always end up together, and on top of this, she feels free to act flirty with me - something which drives me crazy...

 

Thursday, i called a dinner at my place to celebrate a common friend's last day in the company. We were 8, she was there as well - i decided not exclude her. We had a great time, and i honestly couldn't keep to show off a little - i made the cooking.

 

Everyone left my place around midnight, but her, who stayed some more to help me clean. I kept cold blood, finished my work, she finally left. 1 hour later (1h15 in the morning), she txted me saying "thanks, it was really good, i like seeing you - outside workplace", i texted back an half joke, without saying the "me too" i though she was expecting.

 

Friday, i was deliberately more distant, and i managed to get through the day fairly well. Leaving she gave me goodbye, i had 1 week vacation in front of me, i started to feel detached. The night i went swimming to my pool - and she was there as well. Seeing me, she said "i was almost stopping by at your place, but then i though you were making up your luggage"...we swam until the pool closure, we had the spa together - a thing which prevented me to sleep well - we went out together. She was by the bike, i was walking, she kept walking and chatting on my side for half a mile, until our roads splitted up.

 

Now i've 1 week without her..i'll start healing a little bit, then i will fall back in the same trap. Toughter, probably, but still suffering.

 

Why she looks for a more intimate contact with me? She has a BF i know, from many sources, she's not satisfied with. My understanding is that she tries to get from me what her BF can't give her.

 

Her recent behaviour could be a way for her to test my "friendliness"... or is she starting to have doubts on his BF - getting nearer to me?

 

Should i tell her explicitly that i can't be a friend/emotional support for her? Or should i simply keep up staying strong with the "NC according to constraints" thing, making my life until i will finally stop desiring/having feelings for her?

I know that i've not given up hopes for her. I fear she has not given up hopes to have me as a friend.

[vesper16]

This situation is actually a pretty tough one, it's always hard to know what to say without knowing what the situation is. I have been going through something similar with a friend I developed feelings for a while ago -- the facts are not unlike yours, we're in the same circle of friends, she has a bf, she likes me as a friend, and like you, no-contact isn't really an option because I still see her around at uni (I am doing a Master's, and she works part-time as a research assistant for one of the professors in our faculty).

 

I think your 'milder' version of NC (not initiating and keeping distance emotionally) is a good idea, I have been trying to do this and sort of allowing my defenses to build up (it's been working reasonably well so far), basically when she is around or when we're catching up with mutual friends, I'll try to treat her equally in that I don't pay her more or less attention than any of the others.

 

Yes it's possible that she's "testing" you but in this situation I tend to think it's more likely that she sees you as a friend and nothing more. On the bf front, IMO it's not really up to you to decide whether she is satisfied with her bf or not -- especially as you are friends. I think if she's interested in you, she would let you know.

 

One way of finding out would be to casually mention any girls you're interested in, keep it light but maybe say something like 'oh, I met this girl the other day and she thought I was cute' and see how she responds?

 

Good luck!

[Yamaha]

My understanding is that she tries to get from me what her BF can't give her.

 

So true. YOU provide an emotional connection she is not getting from the bf.

 

Should i tell her explicitly that i can't be a friend/emotional support for her?

 

Yes. If you can't change your situation at work ( transferring to another dept ) then you need to tell her you can't be her buddy because it is hurtful to you. She is getting out of your friendship what she wants so you should not feel bad to tell her that friendship is not enough for you. (I am assuming you have told her of your feelings and not just hanging around hoping).

She probably will not take it well because she enjoys the relationship you 2 have but you need to think of yourself and your needs, not hers.