A Regretful Situation

[Shane7]

To make an extremely long story short, I will attempt to summarize the main events that had occurred between an ex girlfriend of mine, (Erin), and myself, (Shane, obviously.) As you will see, most of this concentrates on my mistakes (pathetically enough). The time occurring besides these mistakes, went rather well..

 

--Erin's ex-boyfriend contacts a personal friend of mine, makes her out to be a completely horrible person, swears up and down that he's telling the truth, etc. My friend, who was admittedly having a hard time holding this information from me, had hinted through an MSN status change that something was up. I asked her about this and made her give me the information.

This was Strike Number One, my mistake:: I was worried, almost paranoid (I have OCD), about getting cheated on again.. (My last gf cheated on me right after I got out of the hospital.) Needless to say, my fear and lack of trust created tension in the relationship. I began digging into her past, angering both her family and a good friend of hers, trying to prove to myself that she WASN'T this person. As I found out, her past was the opposite of my own, filled with rape, sex, and a little bit of alcohol and drugs. Somehow, we both survived this..

 

Strike Number Two, also my mistake: Before meeting Erin, she had given her word to a friend and former ex of her's, Brett, that she would go to his prom if he needed a date. As fate would have it, he needed a date. I expressed my concern about this situation before hand, as Brett confessed he still had feelings for her, but assured me that nothing would or could happen due to Erin's lack of feeling for him in return. However, the night of his prom, I mentally lost it and attempted to drive to the prom, NOT to instigate a fight, but to talk to her. At least, that was idea..

 

I ended up spinning out and crashing my car 10 minutes from the prom. The dent is still there today. Yes, I AM a huge IDIOT. I realize this ----fully---. Somehow, we worked past this..

 

Strike Number Three, my mistake AGAIN..::One night, during the summer, Erin and I were having a Skype conversation (two-way webcam). She appeared distraught, crying even. I asked her what was wrong and she admitted to having, if I remember right:: Depression, an eating disorder, and was still feeling terrible about herself, her sexual history, and her past in general. I'm not so sure if this was all on the same night, but it was close.. Either way, it wasn't the first time Erin got randomly depressed. Throughout the relationship, she would appear that way, even when things were going well between us.. Anyway, when speaking of her sexual history, she basically implied that she had engaged in sex more than a few with her former boyfriend, and at a very young age. (14 or 15). This admittedly shocked me, especially considering the rape, and I ended up saying that such disappointed me, but I was willing to work it out with her if she wanted.. (She tried to say that I thought she was a whore, but that WASN'T true, as I told her. I just assumed that she had only had sex a few times, and was not prepared to think otherwise. Stupid? Yes..very. But I AM an IDIOT who has led a sheltered life. No sex, drugs, or alcohol, but also no idea what the real world is..) Needless to say, we failed in working it out and we broke off.

 

Possible 4th strike against me:: Erin, from the get-go, said she didn't have a car. This caused much strain in our ALREADY long-distance relationship. (I had to do all the driving, which was admittedly pretty expensive. She DID pay for a few of the trips though. I admit that and respect it.) However, one time, I got angry with her because she was seemingly stalling to get her license. I didn't understand why, because getting a license will help her out IN LIFE, not just the relationship itself. She eventually agreed with me, thought that what she was doing was wrong, and got her license. However, I had also forgotten that her own car was broken. Granted, her mom had a free car available to drive...but I still feel bad for pressuring her. It was probably yet another mistake..

 

Strikes against her:: (There are only 2) 1. She wasn't over her past or her former boyfriend, and the damage they caused each other.. Basically, she carried emotional baggage into the relationship. I did as well, but I've already counted that as a flaw, and it goes with strike number one. (If you want to count that as a single flaw, then I have 5.) 2. She had lackluster communication skills..or maybe just different skills. Either way, I did a heavy majority of the talking.. It wasn't all that equal. She could initiate conversations with a "Hi," but had difficulty carrying it through. I usually initiated actual conversation topics.

 

After realizing all my mistakes a month after the relationship, I apologize to her. Telling her that I was REALLY sorry and that I was wrong.. (I could barely breathe when I said this.. I was THAT emotional.) She said she hasn't forgiven me yet and left it at that. So, all in all, I'm feeling pathetic, worthless, and just dying to have a second chance at redemption...

 

Do I have any? Probably not..

[Shane7]

I thought I should also say that..

 

I would be willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES...to make this up to her. I don't even care if she is dating someone else. I would literally BEG for her forgiveness.. if that is what it would take. I would do ANYTHING...anything for just simple forgiveness... I just want to be a good person... :-(

[nowhereman82]

You seem to have too much of a rooted distrust in her to get past it so soon.

 

She doesnt trust you to trust you.

 

Sounds like you screwed up and need to move on bro. Live and learn.

 

Trust people until they show you otherwise.

[Shane7]

But I feel so much pain...so much agony every day..

 

She goes to the same college... I just want things to get better. I just want to be a good person and to make people happy... :-( I ...don't know what to do. I'm lost. :-(

[me007]

Hi Shane.. I know how you feel, I'm there too. Wishing you can turn back time and do everything right hoping the end would be happy and now would do anything to make it right again.

 

Trust me on this..don't start begging her or anything right now. Begging probably won't get you anywhere. Can you go no contact for awhile? Or if you do have to see her, just say "Hi, how's it going" and leave it at that, don't get into any long conversations. Saying she hasn't forgiven you sounds like she needs space. Give her about a month to think things through. Then you can try talking and hanging out with her a bit, but don't bring up the relationship right away. If she does or brings up any mistakes you or her did, you can just say "it's in the past". You don't want to hold any grudges or hurt feelings from the past. Try remaining happy and friendly in front of her, don't let her see you down or hurt. After a few weeks of hanging out and if it seems like she is opening up to you again ask how she feels about dating and having another go with you. If she says no.. just stay calm and say "ok, I understand". You don't want to put any pressure on her.

 

If she still doesn't want to come back after a few months.. then it's your best bet to try and move on.

[Shane7]

When we broke up, BEFORE my apology, she said there was no possible chance of a romantic relationship with me.. That we were "two different people."

 

I can see why she said that..and in some senses we ARE. But I was an idiot and I want a chance to prove to her that I'm the same guy she met at the movie theater.. The guy she fell for in the first place..

 

Lord, what I would do for one more chance... But it seems very unlikely..

 

I guess this is one of life's HARD lessons..

 

Gonna take awhile to get over this one..and to forgive myself for losing out on a rare chance at love... Damn it.. Any more words of wisdom would be nice and greatly appreciated.. Thank you to those who already replied. I guess the best thing to do is to cut off all hope and just deal.. *Shakes head* I truly AM an IDIOT.. I will NEVER be making these mistakes AGAIN. EVER. I'd rather be a doormat than do what I did here... period.

[Shane7]

Any other thoughts on this topic??? Is there ANY hope?

[BCCA]

Any other thoughts on this topic??? Is there ANY hope?

 

You might want to consider that your gut feeling was not to trust her for a reason. Sometimes, we get feelings that are hard to ignore, but we try to dismiss them because it fits into what we want reality to be. I have to be honest, the 'strikes' against you dont really seem to be horrible things to me. These are little things that come up in a relationship and can be worked out between two people, if both wanted to.

 

I think you should take some time to clear your head and take a good look at this relationship as objectively as you can. If you couldn't trust her, she didn't talk to you, and she says she hasnt forgiven you yet, then I would let things be. Maybe someday down the road your paths will cross and it will be different, but I would focus on moving on.

 

Dont talk to her at all anymore. You said what you had to say, leave it at that. Focus on what you want from life, make some short term goals, and just worry about what makes you happy. You'll meet some one better for you.