Would Anyone Else Feel This Way or Am I Being Unreasonable??

[Alibi]

For you to understand the question I had to elaborate on the history.

 

My Husband and I have been married about 3months,(not long I know). In the beginning of our relationship, in which was 2 yrs ago, I thought, and was under the impression we were both exclusive, he had numerous hook ups and was dating (dinner, flirting all that good stuff) a lot of girls.......while he was with me. I found out later after engaged the mass of women there actually was.

Ok so we got passed all that, and we/ I have been working on the trust issue ever since. But there are still flare ups of jealousy, insecurities and distrust. (For all those people saying I shouldnt have gotten married, please save it. Im already in this for the long hall)

 

So, This Saturday night he went to a friends BBQ which we were both invited to. I couldnt go. I work the 3rd shift and had to keep my sleep schedule. I had no problem with him going. Ok since I did marry; what Im going to call a manwhore, I know that its always almost everytime we go out we come across someone he used to date or was involved with intimately while he was with me. This is Very uncomfortable for me and makes it very hard to move on and forget. I asked him politely bfore he left to let me know if there is anyone there he used to be "involved" with. He said yeah, in a smart ass way, "I'll report back to you." Whatever.

 

I get a call hours later saying that yeah a certain girl I know about that he was into, yet I never had seen was there. Did I mention it was a girl he was into while I was his supposed serious GF. I'm glad he told me however his only other choice was to lie to me about it because I was going to ask anyway later when I saw him. So he did the right thing by telling me.

 

After leaving me this bomb of a message for me to wake up to on my phone and then not answering his phone for 2hrs afterwards, my mind was freaking out. Finally he called and I asked if she was still there....yes she was. I asked if they had talked... he said no. (I dont believe it at all) Then when I asked where he had been for the last 2 hrs he told me in the pool, and told me that everyone including her was in the pool. Now from what he has told me about her in the past to make himself sound cool, she is a looker with a great bod. Great....shes flaunting around in her bikini Im thinking.

I asked him to leave the party for my own emotional and mental well being. By this time he had been there for about 3 hrs. I told him that if it was any other situation, like an old girl friend from 10 yrs ago, or anyone else wouldnt matter, but because this was a girl who was a part of his secret life while he was with me, (now she knew nothing of me and prob still doesnt) I told him that it brings back old emotions and trauma of what he put me through. The entire time he was there I had to re-live what he did to me. He didnt understand nor care cause he told me to get over it, shut off his phone and stayed there for another 5 hrs until 12am.

 

We still havent spoken, I wont talk to him, and Im hurt. Now for all those reading this long annoying post, do you think it was unreasonable for me to ask him to leave? I would have been ok with compromising on the time, but to stay there in the company of someone he knew was part of a bad time for that long was rude and insulting. Any advice or opinions would be helpful.

 

Oh, he tells me he wouldnt care if any old guys I used to "hang" with were around. He says he trusts. I say it must be nice to have someone to trust.

Thanks

[couchmonkey]

Your and your husband's morals are incompatible. He created this situation by being dishonest with you. The result is that your self esteem has been injured. While its good of him to be honest to you now he seems insensitive to the needs that you have developed because of his past indiscretions. Are you being unreasonable? No, I don't think so.

 

You cannot really force him to become sensitive to you. You've expressed your needs and he has made it clear that he has no interest in accountability. You have to decide if you are willing to settle for that.

[carhill]

Give him some time alone to reconcile his commitment to you with his "habits".

 

I'll bet, in a month, if you resist his smooth talk, you'll have an honest answer within yourself....

[m00nstone]

I think you're doing the right thing by not talking to him. I think you made it very clear where you stood on the situation that night, and since he chose to do what he did, I think it's on him to apologize to you or at least talk to you about it. If you do decide to speak with him, make sure that the first thing you two address is this matter.

 

Being as you two have gotten past his past, I think it's fair that you carry some remnants of the emotional scars, and I think it's OK that you asked him to leave. Based on what you have posted, his response was less than nice. If he had offered an explanation, a compromise, or some good reassurance, then it may have been more OK that he stayed.

 

Stay strong... as you said, you're in it for the long haul, and it is hard to move on from past hurt, but if he has done nothing wrong, then some sincere communication between the two of you may solve this problem. Good luck!

[norajane]

You knowingly married a liar, a cheater, a manwhore. And he thought nothing of doing those things, and you, despite how you felt about it, accepted his behavior in order to marry him.

 

You can't expect him to change just because he signed a marriage license. Change requires a sincere desire and a lot of effort. You can expect him to do exactly as he is doing - disregarding your feelings for his own pleasure - because that's what he's always done.

 

Asking him to leave the part was reasonable. Expecting him to take your feelings into account and doing the honorable thing is foolish - he's never taken the high road before, and it's not likely he's going to start now.

 

I don't think not talking to him will do much, to be honest. He may eventually say what you want him to say, but it won't change who he is on the inside and how he believes he should behave.

[Trialbyfire]

In the beginning of our relationship, in which was 2 yrs ago, I thought, and was under the impression we were both exclusive, he had numerous hook ups and was dating (dinner, flirting all that good stuff) a lot of girls.......while he was with me. I found out later after engaged the mass of women there actually was.

 

Alibi, in what way did he lead you to believe that you were exclusive? Was it outright lying, lying by omission (you expressing exclusivity, him avoiding the question) or did you not have the exclusivity discussion, therefore, made an assumption?

[Ronni_W]

I wont talk to him, and Im hurt. ... do you think it was unreasonable for me to ask him to leave?

No, given the lack of trust that exists between you, you were not unreasonable to ask him to leave. And it really doesn't matter if he would have been okay with it, if the situation was reversed. After all, YOU have not given him any reason to distrust.

 

I understand that you are hurt, disappointed and distressed. And 'total withdrawal' is how I used to try to cope with such feelings, too. But, while it did fulfill my (unconscious/denied) need and desire to "punish the offending party", it ultimately did not fulfill my real need and desire to be treated with love, respect, dignity and acceptance. It was ineffective in helping me get what I really wanted.

[MichelleS1983]

For all those people saying I shouldnt have gotten married, please save it. Im already in this for the long hall.

 

The word is "haul," first and foremost.

 

Secondly, you're not a victim - you're a volunteer. As NoraJane said (and thank God someone said it) you walked into this knowing full well who you were marrying. You knew full well that he has zero regard for you and zero respect as well. Your post reeks of it - just the way he sneers at you and talks down to you like your a needy, whiney pain in his butt.

 

So great - you're in it for the long 'hall.'

 

How's that working for you?

 

It's kind of hard to get out my crying towel for you when you walked into this with your eyes wide open. Then, you're telling everyone here to 'save it' because you don't want us to point out the PAINFULLY obvious mistake you made in marrying this creep.

 

You got what you paid for, sorry to say.

[djhall]

Okay, shutting off the phone and staying for 5 more hours was rude and inappropriate behavior.

 

On the other had, I can see how there might be another side to this story which may look something like this: You said, "I thought, and was under the impression we were both exclusive." You don't say he actually told you he was seeing you exclusively, so it appears you just assumed he was being exclusive because that is what you would do.

 

When you discovered you had assumed wrong, "we/ I have been working on the trust issue ever since. But there are still flare ups of jealousy, insecurities and distrust." So now, even though he never indicated he was exclusive with you and therefore never violated your trust, you have been treating him with jealousy, insecurity, and destrust anyway for his failure to be faithful to your uncommunicated assumtion.

 

So from the point of view where he didn't do anything to give you cause to mistrust him, be insecure, or jealous, yet you have been treating him that way anyway, he now gets this phone call and hears:

 

"Not answering his phone for 2hrs afterwards, my mind was freaking out. (controlling, he needs to answer to you at all times) ... I asked if they had talked... he said no. (I dont believe it at all) (unjustified distrust) ...shes flaunting around in her bikini Im thinking (insecurity)... I asked him to leave the party for my own emotional and mental well being. (unreasonable demand for him to sacrifice his social relationships for your irrational insecurity)... I told him that if it was any other situation, like an old girl friend from 10 yrs ago, or anyone else wouldn't matter (attempt to rationalze why the demand isn't really unreasonable, also likely untrue with this level of distrust and insecurity)... The entire time he was there I had to re-live what he did to me. (blaming him for your own failure to communicate your assumtion)... He didnt understand nor care cause he told me to get over it, shut off his phone and stayed there for another 5 hrs until 12am (he finally gets fed up and behaves a little unreasonably himself).

 

I don't know if this is actually the case, but it appears maybe you didn't communicate your assumtions, and when you found out your fiancee had different ideas and values about sex and dating than you did, you said "we got passed all that" but you really didn't, you married him anyway, and now you keep throwing your own mistakes and assumptions n his face as if they were his fault.

 

Not trying to be harsh here or blame you, I just wanted to point out that there could be another side to this story.

[hotcrossbuns]

Okay, shutting off the phone and staying for 5 more hours was rude and inappropriate behavior.

 

On the other had, I can see how there might be another side to this story which may look something like this: You said, "I thought, and was under the impression we were both exclusive." You don't say he actually told you he was seeing you exclusively, so it appears you just assumed he was being exclusive because that is what you would do.

 

When you discovered you had assumed wrong, "we/ I have been working on the trust issue ever since. But there are still flare ups of jealousy, insecurities and distrust." So now, even though he never indicated he was exclusive with you and therefore never violated your trust, you have been treating him with jealousy, insecurity, and destrust anyway for his failure to be faithful to your uncommunicated assumtion.

 

So from the point of view where he didn't do anything to give you cause to mistrust him, be insecure, or jealous, yet you have been treating him that way anyway, he now gets this phone call and hears:

 

"Not answering his phone for 2hrs afterwards, my mind was freaking out. (controlling, he needs to answer to you at all times) ... I asked if they had talked... he said no. (I dont believe it at all) (unjustified distrust) ...shes flaunting around in her bikini Im thinking (insecurity)... I asked him to leave the party for my own emotional and mental well being. (unreasonable demand for him to sacrifice his social relationships for your irrational insecurity)... I told him that if it was any other situation, like an old girl friend from 10 yrs ago, or anyone else wouldn't matter (attempt to rationalze why the demand isn't really unreasonable, also likely untrue with this level of distrust and insecurity)... The entire time he was there I had to re-live what he did to me. (blaming him for your own failure to communicate your assumtion)... He didnt understand nor care cause he told me to get over it, shut off his phone and stayed there for another 5 hrs until 12am (he finally gets fed up and behaves a little unreasonably himself).

 

I don't know if this is actually the case, but it appears maybe you didn't communicate your assumtions, and when you found out your fiancee had different ideas and values about sex and dating than you did, you said "we got passed all that" but you really didn't, you married him anyway, and now you keep throwing your own mistakes and assumptions n his face as if they were his fault.

 

Not trying to be harsh here or blame you, I just wanted to point out that there could be another side to this story.

 

I actually agree with this. It's not clear what kind of arrangement you had before your marriage. How did this revelation come about, anyway? Did he tell you or did you find out on your own that he was dating other women before your marriage?

 

I can understand why you might feel insecure and distrustful, but I also think your behavior is a little over the top. I think it's unreasonable to get upset with him simply because an ex is at the same party. He also has no control over what she wears. If he has a lot of ex girlfriends who happen to run along the same social circles as he, you're going to drive yourself nuts with jealousy.

 

When you shut down, refuse to be intimate, and attempt to control another person this way, it is going to backfire. It will simply drive that person away more. I'm not saying that your fears and insecurities aren't justified to some degree, but you can't spend the rest of your marriage this way...

[Alibi]

I

When you shut down, refuse to be intimate, and attempt to control another person this way, it is going to backfire. It will simply drive that person away more. I'm not saying that your fears and insecurities aren't justified to some degree, but you can't spend the rest of your marriage this way...

 

 

I agree with you and understand what your saying however, I cant control the way I feel. I dont know why I feel insecure with this but I do. I dont know how to fix it. Ive tried. Also, In the beginning I made it very clear that exclusive was exactly that. There was no mis-understanding. At that time he just didnt care. He was able to get away with it. He has stated that to me before when we've had conversations. But dont you think that the attraction and lust for her would come back when he see's her. I mean I know if I was to see a person I was interested in at one point in time, I remember them by our relationship we had whether it be intimate or just friends. I typed this in a hurry so I hope it makes sense.

[djhall]

Also, In the beginning I made it very clear that exclusive was exactly that. There was no mis-understanding. At that time he just didnt care. He was able to get away with it. He has stated that to me before when we've had conversations.

Well, that changes things somewhat from my perspective. So you got yourself into a relationship "for the long haul" with someone who has been willing to be unfaithful if he can get away with it. Not a real great scenario, but here you are and you can't change the past.

 

So... you willing to be in a relationship for the long haul with a man who cheats? If so, a lot of men would love a relationship with a woman who is willing to tolerate their cheating, but I don't think you'd be posting here if that was the case.

 

If you are not willing to be in a relationship with a cheater, I suppose you could be controlling, insecure, and distrustful so he knows you will always be policing him and watiching to catch him screwing up. He will either stay in line becuase he is afraid you'll catch him, or he'll grow resentful and figure what the heck, you treat him this way already, so he may as well get the benefits of cheating if he is already suffering the consequences. Alternatively, you could decide that acting like your husband's parole officer instead of his spouse is not the best strategy for improving your marriage, and force yourself to give him the freedom to demonstrate if he will chose to be fatihful or not. Yes, he just might take advantage of that freedom to be unfaithful to you... but eventually the truth will come out and then you will know you only have two choices, be in a relationship with an unfaithful partner or leave. Of course, this is much easier advice to give on a message board that to have to live out in a relationship.

[porter218]

Also, In the beginning I made it very clear that exclusive was exactly that. There was no mis-understanding. At that time he just didnt care. He was able to get away with it. He has stated that to me before when we've had conversations. .

What did he do to make you want to marry him??

 

I know you are fully aware that he will cheat again...right??

[GPFan]

(For all those people saying I shouldnt have gotten married, please save it. Im already in this for the long hall)

 

<snip>

 

Now for all those reading this long annoying post, do you think it was unreasonable for me to ask him to leave? I would have been ok with compromising on the time, but to stay there in the company of someone he knew was part of a bad time for that long was rude and insulting. Any advice or opinions would be helpful.

It wasn't an unreasonable expectation in general but it was an unreasonable expectation in your particular circumstance. I doubt he looks back on that period as a "bad time," he was having a ball himself. He has no empathy for you there.

 

Being in this for the long haul means you have to come to accept him for what he is 100%. He isn't changing and you can only successfully change yourself. Imagine for yourself how he will respond in tough times, financial difficulties, birth of children, etc. How will he handle the stresses life will throw at both of you?

 

I think you can well imagine how it is going to be. Staying for the long haul means preparing yourself now and developing a support system that you can rely on in the future. Chances are he won't be there for you. This is the side of himself shown to you and accepted by you -- for better or worse.

 

 

 

You knowingly married a liar, a cheater, a manwhore. And he thought nothing of doing those things, and you, despite how you felt about it, accepted his behavior in order to marry him.

 

You can't expect him to change just because he signed a marriage license. Change requires a sincere desire and a lot of effort. You can expect him to do exactly as he is doing - disregarding your feelings for his own pleasure - because that's what he's always done.

 

Asking him to leave the part was reasonable. Expecting him to take your feelings into account and doing the honorable thing is foolish - he's never taken the high road before, and it's not likely he's going to start now.

 

I don't think not talking to him will do much, to be honest. He may eventually say what you want him to say, but it won't change who he is on the inside and how he believes he should behave.

Well spoken Nora.

 

 

 

I agree with you and understand what your saying however, I cant control the way I feel. I dont know why I feel insecure with this but I do. I dont know how to fix it. Ive tried. Also, In the beginning I made it very clear that exclusive was exactly that. There was no mis-understanding. At that time he just didnt care. He was able to get away with it. He has stated that to me before when we've had conversations.

However long it takes, controlling the way you feel is the only part of this you can do. You can't control him, you can't make him stop, you can't make him care; only he can do that and he hasn't shown any willingness to do so.

[Palladin]

Are You sure You really love each other?

Even if You do, You don't seem to share the same views on life. From what You're saying it might be near impossible to make it work.

If You had so many issues after just two years of relationship, think how it may look in the future.

I would seriously consider divorce.

[Alibi]

Well, that changes things somewhat from my perspective. So you got yourself into a relationship "for the long haul" with someone who has been willing to be unfaithful if he can get away with it. Not a real great scenario, but here you are and you can't change the past.

 

So... you willing to be in a relationship for the long haul with a man who cheats? If so, a lot of men would love a relationship with a woman who is willing to tolerate their cheating, but I don't think you'd be posting here if that was the case.

 

If you are not willing to be in a relationship with a cheater, I suppose you could be controlling, insecure, and distrustful so he knows you will always be policing him and watiching to catch him screwing up. He will either stay in line becuase he is afraid you'll catch him, or he'll grow resentful and figure what the heck, you treat him this way already, so he may as well get the benefits of cheating if he is already suffering the consequences. Alternatively, you could decide that acting like your husband's parole officer instead of his spouse is not the best strategy for improving your marriage, and force yourself to give him the freedom to demonstrate if he will chose to be fatihful or not. Yes, he just might take advantage of that freedom to be unfaithful to you... but eventually the truth will come out and then you will know you only have two choices, be in a relationship with an unfaithful partner or leave. Of course, this is much easier advice to give on a message board that to have to live out in a relationship.

 

 

Its funny you say this because thats what it goes to sometimes, policing. I partially think he is the kind of guy who will stay in line because he knows that I wont put up with it. The only reason I did put up with it in the first place was because I did not know about it. I only knew of one person (not the mentioned in the original post) before we got engaged and like I said before, after that I found out about a whole lot more. By this point I was already commited to him and us. Anyway, I hate doing the "policing" in my relationship, but its kinda funny, cause that's actually what I do for a living" LOL!!!

 

That aside I think sometimes he does resent me for being distrusting but at the same time I resent him for creating this ugly side of me I never knew exsisted. I do try to be reasonable and think realistic though about how he has changed and that does help. And if he doesn't see the side of me that try's to get over this emotional hurdle, along with all the other sides of me that are a 100% better then the distrusting side of me, and he goes and actually does something again.......well I live by this saying, "You fool me once, your fault, you fool me twice, my fault." I do know that if he does cheat, and go back to his old ways, I feel God will reveal it to me, because I believe in him. I dont actually think my H will do that though, and he is a great guy in so many ways, but the entire uproar of my insecure feelings was because he neglected at this time, during this one situation to try to understand and see the conflict and upset him being there caused me. There are have been a hundred times that this hasnt happened, but this one time is when I needed his actions to show his true understanding. We'll see how this plays out.

[Alibi]

The word is "haul," first and foremost.

 

Secondly, you're not a victim - you're a volunteer. As NoraJane said (and thank God someone said it) you walked into this knowing full well who you were marrying. You knew full well that he has zero regard for you and zero respect as well. Your post reeks of it - just the way he sneers at you and talks down to you like your a needy, whiney pain in his butt.

 

So great - you're in it for the long 'hall.'

 

How's that working for you?

 

It's kind of hard to get out my crying towel for you when you walked into this with your eyes wide open. Then, you're telling everyone here to 'save it' because you don't want us to point out the PAINFULLY obvious mistake you made in marrying this creep.

 

You got what you paid for, sorry to say.

 

Ouch, this one stung a bit. Let me explain, I had already forgiven him when I found alot of things out. I was in love. I still am. Though I dont trust him in the infidelity dept doesnt mean he isnt a trust worthy man in other areas. For those of us who have trust issues in relationships, you mend it on good faith and hope the situation never rises to put it to the test. Well it happened at this BBQ..... and he didnt follow through like he promised me before when he was mending my heart. Now he deals with an upset wife at home. Out of this, so far, I learned not to assume he'll understand just because he says he will, and he learns that an unhappy wife makes an unhappy husband.

[Alibi]

Are You sure You really love each other? Yes I know I love him. Not just because of our history but I know I wouldnt be the person I am today if he wasnt in my life, and thats looking at the good more then the bad.

Even if You do, You don't seem to share the same views on life. I will agree that when it comes to comparing our moral compasses, we bang heads. We just have different views on dating and intimacy levels. But I think guys and girls differ from that anyway.

From what You're saying it might be near impossible to make it work.

If You had so many issues after just two years of relationship, think how it may look in the future. .

I would seriously consider divorce.

 

A relationship will never be born perfect, but when I said " I do" I committed to a life long relationship. I wasnt expecting to marry a clone of myself and have us agree on everything. I knew it would be tough and work. An entire world is out there full of struggles what makes you think it would be different in a relationship. I am sad for people who use divorce as a way out of a personality conflict. As we grow old together he will change, I will change, but making a commitment to this relationship is what marriage is about. Working through things. As long as he maintains an effort, with tolerable screw ups, and he learns his lesson from them, I will always march forward with him. Until the day he is unfaithful to me again, or puts me in harm, he will always be my Husband. If it ever came to the worse case scenorio then at least I can say I gave it my all. Divorce is not an option.

[Trialbyfire]

Are you happy policing him all the time? Doesn't it make you feel horrible that you can't trust your husband?

 

I did this after confronting my ex-H after D-day. It didn't last long since it made me almost physically ill to have to monitor a loved one. It just compounded the devastation.

 

Think seriously about what you're doing to yourself. Either you're going to have to learn to trust him again, giving him full rope to hang himself with or not, or you're going to have to get out. This policing state is a horrible place to be, continuously watching your back.

[Ronni_W]

I cant control the way I feel. I dont know why I feel insecure with this but I do. I dont know how to fix it.

Alibi,

You said that you are in it for the long haul, so that's fine. But then, for your own sanity and peace of mind, you must come to terms with what you are consciously choosing for your "long haul". That is, we definitely do get to choose our circumstances BUT...then we forfeit any rights to complain about what we chose. If that makes sense? (It's like me choosing to train for the marathon and bittching every time I put on my training shoes. Either I give up marathoning or I shut up about its costs and sacrifices. Anything else is futile and self-indulgent on my part.)

 

Husband knows that you're not going anywhere, so there's absolutely no reason for him to consider you or your feelings in how he operates in his own life. Doesn't matter if we call him a jerk-whore. For you, what matters is that you're willing to put up with him/it in the name of "long haul".

 

It's not about denying your feelings or pretending them away, it's about reminding yourself that you consciously chose a man who would continuously trigger these feelings for you. That's gonna happen whether it is an old flame or a new fire. That's his behaviour, which he isn't showing any signs of wanting to change, and which is part of your chosen "long haul".

 

It's about stopping your BEHAVIOUR (withdrawal, policing, snooping, whatever), not your feelings. Yes, you are acting like that with hopes that it'll somehow, magically, facilitate his own desire to change. But what you have been doing is NOT WORKING for you. As someone mentioned, it is controlling and manipulative behaviour. It's ineffective and non-productive FOR YOU, because there isn't much chance or hope for success.

 

So that part is for you to learn more effective communication and coping skills. There is nothing to lose by doing that because the skills you have been counting on aren't producing your desired outcomes.

 

It's crappy. I'm not saying that your guy is NOT a jerk-whore. I'd feel insecure, inadequate, anxious and distrusting, too, and eventually I'd lose all esteem and confidence in myself.

But, since you are choosing him, you must find ways that minimize or eliminate such feelings, and different strategies to tolerate those behaviours of his that trigger your "negative" feelings about yourself, him, and life in general. You deserve better than to feel like that. (((hugs)))

[Palladin]

A relationship will never be born perfect, but when I said " I do" I committed to a life long relationship. I wasnt expecting to marry a clone of myself and have us agree on everything. I knew it would be tough and work. An entire world is out there full of struggles what makes you think it would be different in a relationship. I am sad for people who use divorce as a way out of a personality conflict. As we grow old together he will change, I will change, but making a commitment to this relationship is what marriage is about. Working through things. As long as he maintains an effort, with tolerable screw ups, and he learns his lesson from them, I will always march forward with him. Until the day he is unfaithful to me again, or puts me in harm, he will always be my Husband. If it ever came to the worse case scenorio then at least I can say I gave it my all. Divorce is not an option.

 

I'm sorry, I didn't want to upset You.

I know very well myself that no relationship is born perfect - I'm in a relationship for over 2,5 years now and it's a very good one because we're working on it all the time - of course we had our ups and downs also.

But honestly I don't know how to solve a problem, when You have completely different views on cheating. If You want it to work out I really wish You best, but be realistic about it (as others already written). He won't change, because it's the way he is. He may pretend something to please You for a while, but he won't change the way he thinks of what is right and wrong. Accept it or You will suffer, and Your children will suffer, which is worse.

Marriage is just another step in a relationship, and even though some people like to think of it as a life long commitment, it's worth nothing if You can't get along with each other. Divorce is the best option sometimes - believe me I knew such cases all too well.

Anyway, I hope You will work it out, and find peace in Your relationship.

If You really love each other as You say, You might make it, but please don't stay together just because You're married.

[Alibi]

I've seen a lot of people quote me on the "Long Haul". I meant that more of a figure of speech then anything.

 

But after reading everyones posts, it has shed some light on how to look at myself and not him. I thank everyone for their opinion and posts. They have really helped me to look at how I have to either accept him or move on. I have just never been a really insecure person ever. Outside of my relationship I am extremely happy and confident in all that I do. No one besides him really can get me down. But when these flare ups happen my self worth and confidence hit below rock bottom. So many of you hit home with describing to me the way I feel yet we dont even know eachother. Wow, am I that easy to read??? Lol! My H is a good guy, but I can only hope he is good enough not to break my heart again. I def love him, but I will not tolerate disrespect, and I dont now.

 

Since this incident, I have def made my point about the sensitivity during that bad time of ours. Im sure it will be a long time before another situation rears its head to put him to the test to consider "us" instead of just him, but if it does Im sure he'll remember my reaction this go round.

 

Does anyone have any advice on how I can relax my anxiety and insecure feelings instead of just leaving him. I mean, how can I care less???

[Trialbyfire]

Alibi, learn to listen to your gut instinct but make sure you get hard proof before engaging in discussion with him. In getting hard proof, he can't lie his way out of it.

 

I've always believed that gut instinct is your conscious mind listening to your subconscious mind. The subconscious mind gathers information all day and then dumps it into your brain to attempt to sort some order to it.

 

With this in mind, you have to learn to trust him again until gut instinct kicks in, instead of allowing your insecurities to take over. When you feel the need to police him, stop yourself. Think about what you would have done previous to everything blowing up and go with that.

 

Having said that, he doesn't get a free pass. He has to understand that the hard boundaries you set, you mean business with. The second he steps over your boundary, you're gone. No ifs, ands or buts. Make them reasonable boundaries that people can meet, not easy but reasonable.

 

While you've been getting some excellent advice from people in your thread, search out a member by the name of Ladyjane14. Her posts can give you some serious insights as to how to address a cheating spouse and try to rebuild your marriage, sanity intact.

 

I can't honestly help you in comparison because I chose the other path. The information I've given about marriage building, has been from knowledge gained on this site.

 

Good luck!

[Trialbyfire]

A classic example of Ladyjane14's advice. While neither are exact situations, you can find similarities in the trust area and about boundaries:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1342837&postcount=84

 

This entire thread has nuggets of excellent information:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=106880&page=9

[Alibi]

Alibi, learn to listen to your gut instinct but make sure you get hard proof before engaging in discussion with him. In getting hard proof, he can't lie his way out of it.

 

I've always believed that gut instinct is your conscious mind listening to your subconscious mind. The subconscious mind gathers information all day and then dumps it into your brain to attempt to sort some order to it.

 

With this in mind, you have to learn to trust him again until gut instinct kicks in, instead of allowing your insecurities to take over. When you feel the need to police him, stop yourself. Think about what you would have done previous to everything blowing up and go with that.

 

Having said that, he doesn't get a free pass. He has to understand that the hard boundaries you set, you mean business with. The second he steps over your boundary, you're gone. No ifs, ands or buts. Make them reasonable boundaries that people can meet, not easy but reasonable.

 

While you've been getting some excellent advice from people in your thread, search out a member by the name of Ladyjane14. Her posts can give you some serious insights as to how to address a cheating spouse and try to rebuild your marriage, sanity intact.

 

I can't honestly help you in comparison because I chose the other path. The information I've given about marriage building, has been from knowledge gained on this site.

 

Good luck!

The thing with this is that now Im so over sensitive on using my gut instint. I always have these feelings of suspicion for lack of a better word, and before when I ignored them they were true. Now I get them, I look for the hard proof, and trust me Im a good investigator to get what Im looking for, but now I always come up short and he is being honest. Which tells me my gut insticts or funny feelings are throwing me off.

 

Now he does know that I mean business. This I do know. He knows If he crosses a boundary all heck will break loose and Im gone. I dont want him to live in fear just respect thats all. And I dont hold that fact over his head. So I have instilled that into him. On this particular situation, it's one of those things that didnt cross the boundary I set however it wasnt played very well on his part. Im sure the situation could have led to ruining the relationship though. The thought of that just makes me sick. Ugh.

 

Anyway, I will look into that other thread on marriage adive. I supose I'll tell anyone interested when I give in and decide to take down my portable wall.