Caught husband lying after only 8 months of marriage......

[dans]

Four months ago my husband supposedly quit smoking. He works offshore for 2 weeks at a time. A couple of months ago he came home and I could tell that he had been smoking. He denied it but after a lot of questioning on my part he finally confessed. I was very, very hurt that he had lied to me. He knew that I had been deeply hurt in the past and he promised that he would never lie to me again. I have had a heart attack and bypass surgery and he knows that I am very anti-cigarettes. He came home last week and again I knew that he had been smoking. He denied it while looking into my eyes, rubbing my arm and promising that he would never lie to me because he knew how much it had hurt me before. He begged me to believe him and with tears in my eyes I begged him to not lie to me. He finally confessed. This is two lies in 4 months--we have been married 8 months. He is 50, I am 48. I fell in love with him because he expressed the same values I believe in....the uppermost being honesty. Where do I go from here?

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Where do I go from here?"

 

Forgive him and assume he has no willpower to stop smoking and therefore needs you help and understanding. He reminds me of a little boy....so you married a little boy. You could have done worse.

[greeneyes]

I don't think your husband enjoys lying to you. But, remember smoking is one of the hardest habits to break. Every person is different. Maybe he is one that cannot stop cold turkey. Try to be supportive with him. He will be grateful in the end.

[chizzn]

Im a non smoker myself. Your husband smokes, so what? I think he is being a tad bit respectful by not smoking around you. Seems as though he cant stop yet he doesnt want to hurt your feelings by telling you he is still smoking so he lies, second bad habit but im sure he dont like seeing you tear up and cry.

[Helly]

I'm a smoker and I knopw that smoking is SOOOOO difficult to give up! It's a nasty addiction and, no matter how much you wish to give it up, no matter how much you want to be a non-smoker, it's indescribably tough.

 

I don't think that you should take your husband's secret smoking as an sign of dishonesty, please see it as a sign of the horrible addictiveness of nicotene! Believe me, nicotene really is that horrible and that addictive that it can make a person smoke in secret even though they know it will break the heart of a loved one. There are people who have lung cancer who still light up because their craving for a cigarette is so great! It is unbelievable the depths to which a person can be reduced by addiction. I'm sure your husband hates the nicotene cravings, hates the feeling of failure when he has to have another cigarette and hates that stupid cigarettes are making him lie to his wife!!!

 

I worked with a lovely guy who, soon after he got married, tried to give up smoking because his wife didn't want him to smoke and because he didn't want to be a smoker anymore. Just like your husband, he really struggled to give up smoking and smoked secretly at work for a while. He has managed to give up smoking now.

 

I hope this information makes you feel a bit better about your husband's behaviour and I hope your husband kicks the habit soon.

[SudieJD]

When I read the subject line I thought "Oh No!" and it brought back a bad memories. I caught my Hubby in a lie on the morning of our wedding. He promised to never go for a massage again after I found out his masseuse was also prostituting herself to her clients. My best friend, my hairdresser, owned the shop where this girl was caught. I went to her to have my hair done the morning of the wedding and she showed me the appointment book. He had been going to her even after he promised not to.

 

I called off the wedding and he begged and pleaded me not to. After two hours of crying and screaming, I went through with it. We were two hours late and I didn't get my hair done.

 

Smoking? This is nothing!

 

SudieJD

[kittyclaws44]

I understand, my long distance SO quit smoking just after we started dating..becuase I had mention that I didn't want to be around smokers as my ex was a smoker. A year later I caught him smoking, he didn't really lie about it, since I saw the ashes in the toilet when I first walked into the room so he didn't have a chance to lie about and he said he would have told me. But since he had quit for me I was deeply hurt and took it as some sort of bad sign. Recently he came to visit and he smelled like smoke...he claimed it was the taxi driver, but I find that hard to believe. Its not the smoking thats bad its the lies...

[bearita]

Hi - I'm new here and I was reading a message that was posted by Dans... about how she caught her husband lying to her about smoking... she didn't enter an email address and I don't know how to get a hold of her... anyone know if she's still around the board if there is a way of emailing her?