Problem w/ my sis and her daughters

[mopar crazy]

I don't know if I posted this here a long time ago, or another forum I belong to, didn't want to search.

 

My oldest sister has three daughters. One is an adult and out on her own. The other two are still at home. One will be 14 the end of this year and the other will be 12 the first of the year.

 

My sister wont allow the oldest girl to come hang out w/ my dd (will be 14 in May) w/o her youngest daughter coming along. It's always been this way. The only way my oldest niece can come over w/o her youngest sister is when she has her own friend to go over to. If she doesn't, my sister expects me to take both girls. She says "One wont go w/o the other." What she really means is "The youngest wont stay home w/o her sister so she has to come too."

 

My sister knows that they ALWAYS fight when all three get together. The last time I had both of them out my youngest niece got mad at my daughter and threw one of my H's favorite drinking glasses (it wasn't even glass) at my daughter and broke it.

 

They continued to fight so I called my sis up and told her I was bringing her daughters back to her b/c all they had done since they got here was fight. I deal w/ fighting kids all week long at my job, I am not dealing w/ it at home too. So, I drop off the girls at my sister's and my sister said "Why is your daughter being such a bitch!?!? I am like "WTF?" I told her ALL three girls were fighting, it wasn't just my daughter causing problems. Since then I have not had both of them out.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. My sis keeps telling me "If one goes, the other does." She wont let her older daughter hang out w/o her younger sister tagging along. How would she like it if our mom made us hang out w/ each other like that when we were growing up? She would have hated it!

 

How do I go about saying I don't want both girls out here together b/c all they do is fight? My daughter went out there Friday night and spend the night and she said my youngest niece pestered her the whole time.

 

I love both of my niece's very much but all three of them just don't play well together. My daughter and oldest niece want to have girl talk and don't want my youngest niece around so then she comes into the LR and pouts. Don't blame her at all but this is why she really shouldn't tag along. 13/14 year old girls want to talk about boys, and makeup, thinks like that. Things that are not appropriate for a 11/12 yo.

[Ronni_W]

Hi, Mopar.

Is your sister open to the idea that her daughters are INDIVIDUALS, at different stages of development, with different needs and different desires?

 

Sis is also misguided in making Oldest responsible for Youngest's social life, filling Youngest's emotional/social needs, etc. Oldest is NOT a co-parent! Youngest needs to start learning how to build and maintain her OWN circle of friends, communication and coping skills, etc.

 

I'd try to approach it from that angle -- not make it about Own Daughter but about Youngest not being guided/given tools to live her own life, and Oldest being made responsible for things that are not her responsibility.

[mopar crazy]

Hi, Mopar.

Is your sister open to the idea that her daughters are INDIVIDUALS, at different stages of development, with different needs and different desires?

 

Sis is also misguided in making Oldest responsible for Youngest's social life, filling Youngest's emotional/social needs, etc. Oldest is NOT a co-parent! Youngest needs to start learning how to build and maintain her OWN circle of friends, communication and coping skills, etc.

 

I'd try to approach it from that angle -- not make it about Own Daughter but about Youngest not being guided/given tools to live her own life, and Oldest being made responsible for things that are not her responsibility.

 

 

Hi Ronni and thanks for the reply!

 

I think my sis realizes that her daughter's are individuals BUT she doesn't let them be. Does that make any sense? My sis wont even let them be alone together so if she has to work and the girls do not have school they go to my parents and our mom watches them. She claims they fight all the time and she can't trust them to be home alone. My niece is almost 14 and the other almost 12 and my sis still feels they need a sitter? If it wasn't my mom she would find someone else. If I didn't work she would be asking me to watch them.

 

TBH, I think the main reason why she wants both girls to come over here together is so her and her H can have some time alone. She wants the youngest to come over so I can babysit her, not as a social stay. I told her that her oldest did fine w/o her youngest sister here and my daughter and her daughter got along great. Then she said "Well, then I will just have to find something for her ( youngest) to do. Maybe she can go to a friends." She seems to think if one of her daughter has something to do w/ a friend the other one has to have a friend over or go over there.

 

There is several times where my son goes to a friends or has someone over but my daughter doesn't get to do anything b/c she was invited or is grounded. Same goes for my son.

[Ronni_W]

Well, if they are still fighting with each other most of the time, then I guess they DO need a sitter. But the real reason is that Sis and her hubby aren't doing the best job of parenting...they are not guiding both the girls to more independent, effective and productive behaviours.

she said "Well, then I will just have to find something for her ( youngest) to do. Maybe she can go to a friends."

"Yes, as her mom, that is what you ought to do...to HELP HER find something to do; to SUGGEST that she invite or visit a friend; or stay (mope?) in her room if she won't make the effort for herself. Yes, as a mom, that is exactly the same responsibility that I would put on myself. Good for you, Sis!"

[mopar crazy]

Well, if they are still fighting with each other most of the time, then I guess they DO need a sitter. But the real reason is that Sis and her hubby aren't doing the best job of parenting...they are not guiding both the girls to more independent, effective and productive behaviours.

 

"Yes, as her mom, that is what you ought to do...to HELP HER find something to do; to SUGGEST that she invite or visit a friend; or stay (mope?) in her room if she won't make the effort for herself. Yes, as a mom, that is exactly the same responsibility that I would put on myself. Good for you, Sis!"

 

My kids fight too, kids fight. But, my sis can't expect my mom to be watching her girls all the time either. My mom is like me, has a hard time saying no but if she does have plans she will say no. What I am getting at is that she needs to start trusting them to be home alone. She needs to gradually let the girls to be home by themselves. She needs to start w/ leaving them alone for a half an hour, an hour, and working it on up. If the girls fight, she needs to have consequences for their fighting. My mom has health problems and she doesn't need to deal w/ their fighting either. Seems awful hypocritical of my sister to get upset when our brother takes his kids over there for mom to watch b/c of her health but it's ok for her to do it? Our brothers children are not old enough to be left home alone.

 

What is it going to be like when they move out of the house? They wont know what to do w/o each other or having an adult around. She needs to start teaching them how to be independent and not always rely on an adult.

 

Maybe I shouldn't be concerned about it. I just feel for the girls.

 

I was surprised by her answer about finding her youngest daughter something to do instead of "Well, if C comes over then K needs to come over or neither one of them can." I try not to cause any arguements w/ my sis b/c she can be a real bad ass. Ya know the girls in HS that you don't wanna mess w/ b/c they will kick your ass? Well, that is my sis.