The Family from Hell...

[Zolar]

I need to vent. It's Labor Day. I'm waiting for a client here at the house. I can't really focus on anything else I need to do today until I'm done with them. Primarily, I work from home. But, I've been confined to this hot bedroom in the back of the house with my computer, printer, fax, phone, etc. That's because DH's family has taken over the rest of the house. It's not big - just a three-bedroom with two baths. The parents arrived Saturday afternoon - unannounced. We don't know how long they're staying - probably 2 or 3 weeks. That's the usual. They visit several times a year from Mexico.

 

The brother and his girlfriend moved in last month. His dad just called and said they're moving in and now they're here.

 

I've been sick - headaches, heart palpitations and abnormal bleeding. Plus, we had a bad scare just a few weeks ago - some maniac held me at gun point in one of our fine neighborhoods around the city. It was only for a couple of minutes, but I was really jumpy for a couple of weeks. The people in the house making noise compounded my sleepness and stress.

 

Now, he left for work and I'm stuck here trying to to my job and do other things that I need to do - confined to this room (master bed and bath) while I do it because it is a tremendous hassle to try to move about the house and people are chattering in Spanish.

 

He told his mother Saturday, "We're buying another house and we're not telling you where it is." But nothing phases these people. He's tried talking to them, but they just do whatever they want.

 

Now, my head hurts - started with the first client call this a.m. The client isn't a problem - having to walk through "the gauntlet" to get to the front door and having to come back in with all this noise and fiesta is too much, though.

 

I posted about this before - a few weeks ago before the first couple moved in. At that time, we were just going to find an apartment in some ghetto (bad idea - there was a shooting at the one he had chosen while we were trying to make this decision, so he decided to listen to me and stay here. It's bad here, but it's safer. I don't worry about getting killed here, at least.) but now we're searching desperately for another house. We put a bid in one one just this weekend. I think if we keep looking, we'll find something.

 

Meanwhile, I'm in Hell. Most of my clients suck, too. Gotta find new ones. I just seem to be surrounded by people who want to take advantage right now and I just can't take much more.

 

Meanwhile, I'm so hot in this room. The good air conditioning is outside, but I don't dare open the door or they'll be in here.

 

This is the mom that opens doors while we're having sex. Nice! First thing he said when he heard them in the other room Saturday was "Is that door locked?" Yes, we have a lock with a key on the bedroom door.

 

I hate these people. I wanted to like them. But, I hate them and I want them to leave NOW!

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Wow, that sucks!

 

I guess I just don't understand why you let them in in the first place! It's your home, you should be able to say who gets to stay and who has to leave. We had an ongoing problem with my FIL visiting often, staying for a week at a time, mouthing off to me, but when he brought in the gun and put it in my daughter's closet with her toys, I found the strength to put my foot down and say, "Get out and don't come back!" Sorry s.o.b. is lucky I'm the one who found the gun.

 

I hope you find your strength soon.

[Zolar]

There's nothing I can do. It's his family. And, I can't communicate with them. My Spanish is limited and they do not speak English. Otherwise, I would have said something by now, in spite of my best efforts not to. I tend to be outspoken and can be verbally volatile.

 

I've been reading a book called "Toxic In-Laws" and according to the book, I'm doing all that I can do under the circumstances. The first response to something like this (when your in-laws are needy, rude, inconsiderate and grasping) is to escape. My first response to him was please, let's just get away from them. He didn't respond well to that. He felt like he had to make a choice between me and them.

 

But, now he sees that their behavior is unreasonable, but he seems to have limited power. And I have even less power.

 

He has had chats with them. He has explained that he is not a single man any longer and that his life has changed. They don't care. It's hard to explain. I, too, have thought, "Why can't he grow some balls and be a man." But, they just do what they want and they seem unstoppable. He is terrified that I will leave. I thought about it - only because I thought I wasn't wanted here. I've been effectively evicted from all the rest of the house including the kitchen and laundry. I have to use those late at night when everyone else is asleep. They've rearranged the furniture and that strange girl (the brother's girlfriend) has put all of her stuff in place of our stuff - laundry things, table cloths, placemats everywhere. The fridge is full of their stuff. The stove is covered with their stinky food. That girl cooks and stinks up the whole house. I haven't cooked anything since they've moved in. I barely go to the kitchen and when I do I'm a nervous wreck.

 

Meanwhile, DH pays the bills and I'm trying to make my job work in a tough environment. We both work weekends. (My weekend job is the only place I can really relax becaue it's out of the house.)

 

There is another book called "Boundaries" that has been recommended to me. I haven't been able to find it yet. It was recommended to me by a lady who told me she knew of another woman in exactly my position. The husband simply moved them and kept the family away from her. That's what he was talking about doing a few weeks ago. I only hope it works. I'm scared that they will follow us.

[Zolar]

I'm still trying to survive here. I slept most of today - until 5p.m.

 

Yesterday was rough. I just wanted to go to the kitchen in peace. I had a bunch of stuff to do at the computer (continuing ed. for one of my state licenses - has to be done) and I had a client. But, the banging in the kitchen never stops (it rarely does - I've never known people who could spend that much time in a kitchen strewing their stuff around everywhere). I just wanted to use the stove. I haven't really cooked anything beyond an egg since the visitors came over a month ago. I didn't want to eat out - I'm tired of eating out. I wanted an egg and toast and a cup of coffee and to go back to my hot room.

 

But, I can't communicate with these people and apparently just the fact that I'm there and in the kitchen repeatedly tells them nothing... it doesn't say, gee, maybe she wants to use her kitchen sometime. I guess it also never said, gee, she might not want our crap strewed all around her kitchen, either. They are like stupid animals, these people.

 

So, I went back to my room frustrated, hungry, work ahead of me and I just screamed. I banged things, myself. (There is always banging in the house - I wake up to this.) I continued screaming. Finally, they left. But, by that time, I didn't feel like eating anything. Didnt eat until about 9 p.m. last night. I haven't eaten yet today and it's 5:30. It's not that I'm not starving. It's just that my chest gets tight when I have to think about leaving this hot little room.

 

Today I just slept. I've been so stressed out. I can't believe that I slept 'til 5 p.m. (thanks to a pair of ear plugs).

 

But, this is hell. He says we're finding another house soon. But, in his price range, frankly, I don't think it will be too soon. And, I'm too scattered here at the house to focus clearly on seeking out distressed homeowners.

 

And yesterday I was just upset. I feel like I don't belong here (I don't) and I'm not wanted here. The stress is clearly getting to him, too. I don't think he spoke to me properly yesterday. He is the one who created this nightmare situation. But, he said he was under so much pressure with what's happening at work (high pressure job) and what's happening at home.

 

I asked him again why he can't protect me from them - why he can't stand up to them - why he lets me be treated this way. But, he has no answer. He is angry with me because he says that I remind him every day that I hate his family (every morning we wake up to noise or I can't just function at the house - like making him or myself a cup of coffee or something small to eat before we have to begin working). Yes, I hate them. How am I supposed to feel about them. That brother has never had any regard for my position or feelings - even before he came here. He knows he makes me uncomfortable and he does it anyway. Who does that? Bad people. They're just bad people.

 

Anyway...

[Enema]

Your husband is disrespecting you and your marriage by not dealing with this.

 

He's placing the feelings of his family above those of his wife. He doesn't want to inconvenience, upset or bother them... instead, he'd obviously prefer it if you were inconvenienced, upset and bothered.

 

If it were me, I would kick them out. If I were you; ultimatum time.

[Zolar]

to the point that somedays I don't know if I want to live or die - I already feel like an inanimate object.

 

But, I know what they're like. They just do whatever they want. You can talk to them, but then they do whatever they want. He tried changing the locks on the door, but that doesn't keep them out, either.

 

The good news is that he did tell me that they are leaving - at least the brother and his horrible girlfriend are leaving near the end of the month. He doesn't know when, exactly.

 

I don't know how long the parents are staying. We drove them to a city three hours away yesterday to be with another sister. But, they'll be back this weekend. They are just really noisy and messy and in the way.

 

Meanwhile, my business is so slow as to be almost non-existent. I'm looking for more work. And I have my weekend nights where I work in a difficult environment - but it's better than being here.

[Stung]

i don't know, i'm at a loss. maybe i can't quite envision this situation properly. i would never, NEVER let my partner's family do this to me, no matter what language they spoke or how they guilt-tripped him. i put up with a lot of craziness from them, too, believe it; but i demand respect in my home. and if my partner knew this was happening and kept trying to sweep it under the rug and not deal with it, i would probably snap and ask him to leave and take his horrible family with him.

 

that being said: to be honest, i wonder how much of this situation you have helped create for yourself.

 

first, how did things get this bad, and how did it start? you don't mention why his family is coming to visit so often, and you don't seem to have much grasp on cultural differences. guess what, you DO need to bend a little around cultures if you marry into one that's different from your own. maybe you alienated his family and now they don't respect you? i'm not suggesting that this would make their lack of respect for the sanctity of your home okay, BUT, if you are at all interested in healing the relationship with them rather than running away from them, you need to start understanding how things got this way. you have expressed an awful lot of contempt for these people, not just resentment, and it's not clear from your post which came first. healing the breach should be at least something of a priority for you, otherwise you're asking your man to just give up entirely on his family without your really trying to meet anybody halfway, which is not fair to him.

 

second: yes, it is your husband's family and he should be standing up for his wife, and if he's not he is to blame. but he's gone all day while you work from home, you're in the thick of it, and your work is being compromised, so you might have to do some of the work yourself. you need to stand up for yourself, not hide in your bedroom all day. when you walk into the kitchen and their stuff is strewn everywhere, learn how to ask them in spanish to pick up after themselves; if they don't, move their stuff. if they are banging early in the morning, learn to ask them to be quiet in spanish. if they refuse, take the bangy things away, just like you would from a toddler who needs to learn. if they are actually breaking into your house, after you have changed your locks, as you stated, well...that's crazy. i'm pretty sure your man gave them the new keys and just doesn't want to tell you the truth about it, but if not, then call the police. i wouldn't let my own parents break into my house like that, much less anyone else's. if you think they're going to get violent and you can't do any of these things, and you are unable to work and your husband won't force the issue, then look for somewhere else to stay. do you have family or friends who can put you up? i'm assuming you're a better houseguest than these people.

 

in summation, it sounds like your husband and his family don't take you very seriously, which suggests to me you might want to do something more serious than hiding and complaining and private screaming. if what you say is true, you're being walked all over, it's ridiculous. you're a grown woman, you need to learn how to become more effective, more assertive...AND i'd suggest you start learning spanish. because it's a nice thing to do if you love and respect your mate, if it's his first language...and because you'll never know what he really says to his family or what they really say about you if you don't.

 

i hope your relationship can survive this.

[Zolar]

I'm looking at the situation and thinking about it all. I'm trying to decide what is best for me. I own a home in another state. I could go there, but the economy is bad. I'd have a better chance here.

 

I do speak Spanish. I have spoken it most of my life. I use it in work and social situations. But, I have trouble speaking Spanish when I'm uncomfortable with the people. I have spoken to them very little in Spanish, in fact - very little at all. I told him that I didn't like these two particular people. They had no sense of my privacy before they came to live here.

 

It happened very suddenly - it happened, I am told, because they all think I'm "nice." I am nice. I'm very open to people and accustomed to living in other countries and getting along with foreign people - and this is the result. They take advantage. But, I never liked that creepy brother. I was never nice to him or his girlfriend. They used to come into the house when they weren't supposed to be here. They've always bothered me. He even told the brother that he was disturbing me, but nobody cares. One day the father phoned up and said that the brother was moving here. DH said I have to ask Zolar. He asked me. I begged him not to let them come here. I told him that I was afraid of the brother. But, they came anyway.... Then the parents just come and do what they want whenever they want. The come because our house is not too small and we don't have children. (All kinds of people think we should take people in because we don't have any children, btw - this is not a phenomenon limited to his family or culture. Recently, DH's employer suggested we take in a 20-year old girl with two children. Again, for some reason, I get no respect, whatsoever.) I think they come because he always gives them money.

 

He tells me that he didn't think it would be this bad having them here. He didn't understand what it would do to me. He said that I tried to tell him and he should have listened. He apologizes for it almost daily. I'm sick, crying, upset, having difficulty working and sleeping and I'm just about to lose my mind. I feel like I can't take care of myself properly. Literally, I can't because these people are in the house.

 

I feel completely violated to the point of negation. I think he's the one not understanding the culture. This is NOT Mexico. If they want to live like Mexicans they need to go home. He doesn't and they don't seem to understand that I/we live differently from them. And, certainly he doesn't understand and they either don't care or don't understand about my level of discomfort. They're animals, in short. It's pretty hard for me not to feel contempt for them. I have no other way to feel about them.

[GreenX]

I feel for you, I really do, but, I must say, do you speak to your husband in regards to his family and call them "animals" to him? I mean, they are his family and that is really rude to label them that - they are human beings.

 

Back to the 'real' situation. Have you told your husband that you'd leave if they didn't go? Do you have anywhere to stay besides your home in another state (something local)? Maybe he'll take you more seriously if you just uped and left. He could be looking at things in a different light because he has known these 'people' his entire life and is used to how they live. If you packed a few bags and stepped out of the situation perhaps he'd realize that he needs to be the one to step up and make some changes around the house asap.

 

It shouldn't come down to you leaving but your husband is also in the middle because it is his family. He most likely doesn't want to choose between the two and in his mind hopes that things will 'work-out'. But he needs to see that it isn't, as much as you have tried.

 

In any event, he needs to have a conversation with his parents/brother + gf and let them know they are over-stepping their boundaries that this house is not theres to do as they choose. Every house has their own set of rules and the ones set for yours are not being met. He should explain to them that they're not only disrespecting his home but his wife as well.

[2sure]

I understand that in some cultures it is completely accepted for extended families to all live together in one house. It seems like this is a viable solution especially in impoverished areas - including the US. Its unfortunate, but this family sounds like this is what they are used to and what is considered normal.

 

Its seems to sound as out of the question for you as it does to me.

Possibly, this is just too much of a cultural difference for you - that doesnt make you prejudiced or wrong. We are talking about living conditions here - not manners. Your husband seems to be resigned to this lifestyle. You obviously are just not cut out for this.

 

Call immigration.

[2sure]

My above remark about immigration was callous. I was being sarcastic, but in reading the rest of your posts...

 

It does bring to light how very difficult it can be to just find SAFE housing in some parts of the country.

 

Imagine how much more difficult your in laws will be when you have a child.

 

OMG - if you can speak 3 languages, you already are so marketable!!

You are miserable right now, but you do sound like you have more to offer than being holed up in your bedroom.

 

Sounds also like since your father in laws name is on the deed to your home, youre stuck with them.

[Zolar]

I ended up leaving Houston right before the hurricane hit. I screamed at his brother and the girlfriend to get out. I told DH that I was bleeding from my uterus and how long was this going to go on??? Did they have to kill me before he understood?

 

He decided I needed to leave the situation. I drove 11 hours to my house. When I arrived I couldn't get a phone signal (as usual) on my cell anywhere except the second floor deck. I began hemmoraging there and very nearly died that night. I gave birth to a dead baby girl about 5 1/2 months to 6 months n gestation.

 

BTW, the hemmoraging began after an incident in the city involving on of Houston's finest and a couple of maniacs who held us captive and threatened me with a gun - at a garage sale. I begged him after that incident for us to leave the City and go anywhere - I was so terrified. I believe that the actions of the cop and gunman caused the hemmoraging. I began hyperventilating when the dragged my DH off and put him in the squad car and I felt something snap in my stomach and I was in so much pain that I nearly passed out, but right after that I was in a struggle with a man with a gun pointed at my back. Houston police are CRIMINALS.

 

Anyway, I was experiencing a lot of symptoms of miscarriage, but we didn't know it - nervousness, panic attacks (I would wake up in the a.m panicked because of the people in the house). We suspected that I might be pg, but I work out in the gym (the only think that keeps me sane) and you couldn't tell at all. Anyway. It has been a nightmare, but I do believe he is leaving that insane family for his own family and coming here to be with me and soon as he can get things settled down there.

 

What a nightmare!

[Zolar]

And, I still say they're animals. Some of them are. I just couldn't convince him that I was not being treated well by them. He did have a chat with them about cultural differences -but they don't care if I'm dead or not. I think they (maybe the dad and bro) were trying to get rid of me. So.... yeah. They're animals. It's not about race or culture. My dead baby girl looked like my DH - like a member of their family. So... yeah... animals!

 

The bro and his girlfriend did leave the house after I evicted them. The thing that set me off was that they lied about why they were there. They were planning to stay! I thought so by the way they just took over the house, but then after my tirade over the kitchen he told me they were looking for a house to lease. That's when I knew that they lied. I was bleeding in the hallway as I was knocking on their door screaming at them to get out. I threatened to do them both bodily harm.

 

I'll still make good on that if I see either of those two again. They knew exactly what they were doing.