Am I missing something?

[LoveLace]

consider him a basic friend that you see when you want to enjoy his music.

 

to try to make this something further is wishful thinking. he would have asked you out in person or by way of your chats on IM at some point along the way.

 

 

I dont' use IM. We've just been sending emails on MS. I don't do the chatting thing much.

 

Car, if I asked him out and he agreed, I think I would be just as happy about it as if it was the other way around. I don't see myself getting the nerve however (even though sometimes I THINK I have the nerve lol). I've always been a wuss when it comes to that. Last night, when I was a little nervous about the situation, my friends dad happened to be there and he said, "get over there. You have to take life by the b*lls"....ha ha. Well C had already approached me by then, but "pops" was encouraging me to go talk to him more. So I did. Pops saw me after and said, "Your'e smooth."....I think this is all just the loving support I get from friends, God bless 'em, so it doesn't mean they think he's necessarily into me.

 

Compared many other men I've met in life, friends or more, I would call him non-typical, in a really good kind of way. Perhaps I say that because he's never tried to get me in the sack. lol. He's just always been great company and I'm sure he always thought the same about me. I'd say he's much more grounded, down to earth, and considering his profession...gosh I've never once thought of him "cocky" or as one of those guys who thinks he's god's gift to women, though in my eyes, he probably should be he he. I remember seeing how hurt he was by an ex-girlfriend of his once. I don't think she treated him that great; a few yrs. ago she appeared at our bar, and he was very angry about it, seemed very sensitive to the whole sitch. He was doing all he could to keep his mouth shut. So I guess he's more "sensitive" than a "typical" guy leads himself on to be.

[carhill]

OK, I'll turn it around. What if you revealed your interest and found that he was not on the same page and the situation became uncomfortable for the two of you. From what you say of his sensitivity, it likely would become uncomfortable for him, as he would empathize with your feelings, even if not able or interested in returning them. Your friendship could end. How would you feel about that?

 

I always say that we (in this case you) are the arbiter of our own destiny. Each minute of each day you make a choice and that choice forever changes you and your existence. Where to next ?

[LoveLace]

OK, I'll turn it around. What if you revealed your interest and found that he was not on the same page and the situation became uncomfortable for the two of you. From what you say of his sensitivity, it likely would become uncomfortable for him, as he would empathize with your feelings, even if not able or interested in returning them. Your friendship could end. How would you feel about that?

 

I always say that we (in this case you) are the arbiter of our own destiny. Each minute of each day you make a choice and that choice forever changes you and your existence. Where to next ?

 

 

That's why I probably wouldn't get the nerve, as I described above, between our friendship and the chance for rejection, enough reasons for me to remain wussy. lol. But I'm not too wussy to go to more shows to see him play. That's fun and "safe". Sounds good to me! In other words, there really is no "next".

 

I think its great that women ask men out nowadays, but I've always struggled with the idea, even while considering it. I've chickened out several times. Even if everyone I know encourages me to ask a guy out, I've never done it, though have wanted to. I don't think this situation will be an exception. I am not good at "taking life by the balls" even if its clear that I should - with men anyhow. It doesn't seem to a problem with everything else!

[LoveLace]

My friends wanted to go to another show last night, this time a real dress-up kind of place, so I had to go shopping and all...anyway, I was nervous about going and told my friend "C will for sure think I'm freakin' followin' him around!"....but that's what they wanted to do so I agreed. We were excited about the music as always, and I was in the mood to dance, so I went with the idea that if I didn't talk to C at all, who cares.

 

We were there a couple hours before he did see me though, he came up to the bar by us to get a drink. He was on a short break so it was just a quick hello. As the music kept flowing and the drinks kept coming, we were by the stage dancing our azz off. It was outside, it started to rain and everyone there just kept dancing and I got soaked, but it was sooo much fun.

 

I ran into a creepy guy that I see out sometimes, once he sees me he likes to follow me around. Anyway after talking to him a few minutes, I realized all my friends were gone..no biggy but I was trying to call them cuz i wasn't sure if they left or not. I saw C looking over at me while I was on the phone. Anyway, I got a hold of my friends and they were in their cars because of the rain. C was standing right by the exit and he gave me a hug and he said he noticed that I didn't care about getting wet and just kept dancing.

 

Then he asked where my friends went, I said they left but I have my car. He said, "Oh, I was going to say that if you need a ride I could take you"...I told him that was sweet of him and he jokingly made this stance of pride after I said that. Anyway, he hugged me goodbye and...held it...held it...and repeated in my ear, twice.."be safe"..."be safe"...and our cheeks were resting on each other.

 

I had forgotten that creepy guy was waiting for me at the exit, so I don't know if that's why C was so concerned about my safety or what, but it sure did get rid of him...creepy guy finally left me alone after that lol.

 

But that was one nice hug.

[carhill]

How long have you known this guy? A couple years? Hmmm...

 

I must say your interactions remind me a lot of how my best female friend and I were with each other. We drifted apart when she got serious with her BF (married to him now). No sexual/romantic tensions at all, just sincere caring and love. I kinda miss her now.

 

Anyhow, whatever will be will be. Just don't put all your dollars into this bank, if romance is what you want

[2sunny]

he probably offered a ride and said - be safe - because you'd been drinking and your friends weren't giving you a ride.

 

my friends - male and female used to do that when they were concerned about me driving home after a night of drinking.

 

don't read too much into it. he sounds like a nice friend.

[LoveLace]

How long have you known this guy? A couple years? Hmmm...

 

I must say your interactions remind me a lot of how my best female friend and I were with each other. We drifted apart when she got serious with her BF (married to him now). No sexual/romantic tensions at all, just sincere caring and love. I kinda miss her now.

 

Anyhow, whatever will be will be. Just don't put all your dollars into this bank, if romance is what you want

 

 

I actually met him around 8 years ago. But I wouldn't put us anywhere near being "best friends", running into each other was always sporadic. But your not wrong he's a sincere caring kind of guy. Offering me a ride though when I didn't even ask...that's never happened before, we've never even been in the same car together before; and he's never shown concern about my transportation like that. But it's likely just total appreciation for my frequenting the music. Honestly though, I wouldn't say I feel "sexual" towards him, that's kind of weird, I think he's very handsome and cool, and consider myself attracted, but something more would have to happen before feeling very "sexual" about it...and I guess that's because I have known him for so long..?

 

Don't worry there's no money in the bank lol. That was fun and now it's time to start my busy week all over again. No plans to another show anytime soon, as of now. Obviously I think about him and the hug...but its also been a long time since anyone hugged me like that, so that's just going to make it feel all the more good, regardless of intentions behind it. What will be, will be, like you said.

[LoveLace]

he probably offered a ride and said - be safe - because you'd been drinking and your friends weren't giving you a ride.

 

my friends - male and female used to do that when they were concerned about me driving home after a night of drinking.

 

don't read too much into it. he sounds like a nice friend.

 

 

He is a nice friend. I think that just makes me feel good in the sense that it's nice to have a guy care about me even that much, it's been a long time since I had a good guy friend. That could be all I need at this point in time.

[carhill]

Honestly though, I wouldn't say I feel "sexual" towards him, that's kind of weird, I think he's very handsome and cool, and consider myself attracted, but something more would have to happen before feeling very "sexual" about it...and I guess that's because I have known him for so long..?

 

This is IMO an important nuance. I've recently experimented with this, as adjunct work to my MC and have reflected upon my past friendships with women, both romantic and asexual, and found an interesting dynamic. With my female friends, like the best friend I described above, I saw them as beautiful, valuable people whose company I enjoyed immensely and whose affection I valued greatly, but I just didn't want to "do" them. In other words, as a man, I didn't have visualizations of being sexual with them. My body would sometimes respond to our closeness, but I knew that was just nature reminding me I needed to reproduce , not really how I felt about them. With others (the female friends I had unrequited sexual feelings for), the dynamic was/is completely different. In some cases, this balance point was exceedingly precise. LS taught me the concept of asexual soulmates, which filled in a gap for me that I previously was oblivious to.

 

It's probably better that you don't get this deep into stuff or it will surely make you crazy, as it has done me , but rather follow your instincts, tempered with some of the great experiences shared here on LS.

[LoveLace]

This is IMO an important nuance. I've recently experimented with this, as adjunct work to my MC and have reflected upon my past friendships with women, both romantic and asexual, and found an interesting dynamic. With my female friends, like the best friend I described above, I saw them as beautiful, valuable people whose company I enjoyed immensely and whose affection I valued greatly, but I just didn't want to "do" them. In other words, as a man, I didn't have visualizations of being sexual with them. My body would sometimes respond to our closeness, but I knew that was just nature reminding me I needed to reproduce , not really how I felt about them. With others (the female friends I had unrequited sexual feelings for), the dynamic was/is completely different. In some cases, this balance point was exceedingly precise. LS taught me the concept of asexual soulmates, which filled in a gap for me that I previously was oblivious to.

 

It's probably better that you don't get this deep into stuff or it will surely make you crazy, as it has done me , but rather follow your instincts, tempered with some of the great experiences shared here on LS.

 

 

That all makes a lot of sense. I admit that with my recent new "interest", I've attempted at that "visualization" with C, and well, for some reason I struggled with that picture. So maybe I'm not really interested in the way I thought I was?...but rather, just fascinated by him as a person..? I'm starting to confuse myself on that now...but I won't dwell on it cuz I don't want to be crazy like you car he he.

[carhill]

I'll add one more thing to that potential mix for insanity. Imagine (or believe, if you so choose) that what your feel and think gets out there in the form of "signals" that C may pick up on and read. Sometimes these signals can completely controvert your obvious actions. As an example, your conflict over how you feel about him and your projections about how he might feel about you get out there as subtle signals that he might (and I stress *might*) pick up on, especially if he has some of the classic introspective sensitivity of a brain wired for music. He may truly see you "differently" than you think he does, and I don't mean romantically vs non-romantically. His vision of you just might be different. Wish I could explain this better. Maybe in my next life

 

Bla, bla, go enjoy the music

[LoveLace]

I'll add one more thing to that potential mix for insanity. Imagine (or believe, if you so choose) that what your feel and think gets out there in the form of "signals" that C may pick up on and read. Sometimes these signals can completely controvert your obvious actions. As an example, your conflict over how you feel about him and your projections about how he might feel about you get out there as subtle signals that he might (and I stress *might*) pick up on, especially if he has some of the classic introspective sensitivity of a brain wired for music. He may truly see you "differently" than you think he does, and I don't mean romantically vs non-romantically. His vision of you just might be different. Wish I could explain this better. Maybe in my next life

 

Bla, bla, go enjoy the music

 

 

That's worded so perfectly and true. lol.

 

But yea I'm not sure what you mean if you don't mean "romatic vs. non-romantic". Meaning your vision of someone can be floating somewhere in between, perhaps?

 

I do have to wonder if he ever picked up on the "interested" signals from me. Cuz if he did, but wanted to prevent any confusion on my part, why would he further it with an offer to give me a ride home? Of course, this was for my safety which is more important than anything; but that aside, if I didn't want to lead a friend on to think I liked him, and I had never even been in a car with him before, I would be reluctant to make such an offer; an exception would be if he was totally stranded (which I was not, and he still offered after knowing so). Oh, then that big long, tight hug, something else I would definitely avoid in that case; that was really all him, when I thought the hug was over, he pulled me tighter...to be clear though, I only had 3 drinks, but theres nothing wrong with assuming I might be as drunk as everyone else there.

 

From the other perspective, he never picked up on my interest at all, and it's as though it doesn't even exist between us. However it could be that the friendship is growing a bit more just because we've seen each other lately, and that's all it amounts to at a peak level.

 

The only other view left, of course, is that he's totally picked up on my interest, but in a half a&& way that he isn't sure and is trying to feel it out; and perhaps try to decide if he's interested, too; after all I haven't exactly been forward about that, I've just been around and have flirted, without making any further suggestions or advances. I just know that guys have done that to me before and it confused the crap outta me. I'd later find out that some of them WERE in fact very interested (but assumed I was not); others were just flirty personalities. I do admit I have a "flirty personality" that I think has confused many guys, though not intentional, of course.

 

Can't put a pin on exactly what it is, but I guess those are the possibles, aside from "just a nice friend" - nice and simple, and probably the best way to look at it. But I enjoy talking about the whole guy-girl perspective of friendships vs. interest. vs. romantic feeling, yadda yadda...this is a boring Sunday, I could keep going...he he

[Star Gazer]

I'm definitely guilty of analyzing a guy's behavior to death once they've been in my bed, or at the least, taken me out on a couple dates. But analyzing this much just to figure out whether he's even interested...? Doesn't that tell you something, LL?

 

He's not interested.

[carhill]

But yea I'm not sure what you mean if you don't mean "romatic vs. non-romantic". Meaning your vision of someone can be floating somewhere in between, perhaps?

 

By that I mean, and this is likely a bit "far out", that he perhaps sees you in a "third" dimension, akin to how a patron can appreciate how a gifted artist can create three dimensions out of a two dimensional canvas. Perhaps, for him, you exist in this third dimension. It's a really hard concept to articulate.

 

Oh, then that big long, tight hug, something else I would definitely avoid in that case; that was really all him, when I thought the hug was over, he pulled me tighter...

 

Hmm, again, this might be that third dimension and his response to signals you were sending out. What will be hard to discern, IMO, is the nuance of whether his actions and responses are emotional rather than sexual. This is the gist of what I was getting at in my prior posting. You might read my "3 cats and a mouse" journal for some of my impressions on one aspect of the topic. The sticky wicket, on one I've had for much of my life, is that I have no control of how my responses to what I sense are perceived. For example, if a woman is wired/conditioned to think that any physical affection by a man is sexual, then affection meant in a non-sexual, purely loving and emotional way can be mis-interpreted and those signals go out and create a confusing dynamic. Don't let me hug you when you're confused

 

I will say that the work done with our psychologist in MC has clarified a lot of the jumble that I formerly felt and I can relax some of this over-analysis and confine it to ramblings on LS and not let it affect my real life as much. I think, for me, that's key. Sounds like your C is doing just fine, so my advice would be to relax and enjoy the dynamic/friendship/budding romance/whatever. Life's about living

[LoveLace]

I'm definitely guilty of analyzing a guy's behavior to death once they've been in my bed, or at the least, taken me out on a couple dates. But analyzing this much just to figure out whether he's even interested...? Doesn't that tell you something, LL?

 

He's not interested.

 

 

SG, I came to tell about seeing him last night. That's what I do here. And today my post evolved into a delightful little discussion between Carhill and I. And I'm enjoying it, especially on a VERY boring Sunday when I have leisurely time that is going to shrink majorly as the busy week begins. I so appreciate having this forum on days like that. I so enjoy just saying whats on my mind. Weather or not he's interested, not as important as that is, why is that so hard to understand? I come to tell about my weekend, then Car and I started talking about friendships/musicians/signals yadda yadda, why does always have to mean I'm analyzing too much. Far as I'm concerned, it's just talking. No one else has to join in if they don't want to.

[LoveLace]

By that I mean, and this is likely a bit "far out", that he perhaps sees you in a "third" dimension, akin to how a patron can appreciate how a gifted artist can create three dimensions out of a two dimensional canvas. Perhaps, for him, you exist in this third dimension. It's a really hard concept to articulate.

 

 

 

Hmm, again, this might be that third dimension and his response to signals you were sending out. What will be hard to discern, IMO, is the nuance of whether his actions and responses are emotional rather than sexual. This is the gist of what I was getting at in my prior posting. You might read my "3 cats and a mouse" journal for some of my impressions on one aspect of the topic. The sticky wicket, on one I've had for much of my life, is that I have no control of how my responses to what I sense are perceived. For example, if a woman is wired/conditioned to think that any physical affection by a man is sexual, then affection meant in a non-sexual, purely loving and emotional way can be mis-interpreted and those signals go out and create a confusing dynamic. Don't let me hug you when you're confused

 

I will say that the work done with our psychologist in MC has clarified a lot of the jumble that I formerly felt and I can relax some of this over-analysis and confine it to ramblings on LS and not let it affect my real life as much. I think, for me, that's key. Sounds like your C is doing just fine, so my advice would be to relax and enjoy the dynamic/friendship/budding romance/whatever. Life's about living

 

 

In terms of the "3rd Dimension"...now I get it, I think. No I totally get it...

 

And I think my ramblings here are key for me as well, for the same reasons! It's a nice "outlet" that doesn't effect anything or anyone else in my life. But like I said already, I think I just really enjoyed that hug because, well, I think I just needed it...from someone, because it's been too long since I've had any affection of that sort. It can definitely cause me to want more, not necessarily from C, but from someone. Sometimes we go without things and forget how nice they are to have until it comes back again..in fact I need a reminder of how good sex can be too LOL. and it so happened that C was the one to remind me of how nice a good hug can be. That's probably why my 1st instinct was to think of it as some kind of advance; but once those instincts die out it's easier to understand. I'm trying to explore more what it is that I'M feeling, VS. what the guy is feeling, it's therapeutic...in other words if he hugs people all of the time, it's not going to feel like some kind of breath of fresh air like it feels to me because I rarely get a good hug.

[LoveLace]

Oh and thanks Car...that is all definitely a "deep" way to think about things that happen between man and women (or people in general), those are the kinds of things that people don't even know they should stop and think about, unless of course someone else tells them to...