Is it really over or is there a chance?

[Beyond Eternity]

It's a little long but pleaasee i need to heaar advice on thiiss,

 

I've been in a LDR for just over a year (started last August 25 and ended this year August 28) and my girlfriend broke up with me a few days ago. She cited the reasons as:

 

 

• I didn't have guts.
  
• I didn't stand up for myself.
  
• I was a jerk.
  
• I wouldn't show I was doing more than trying.
  

And while all of those are true, the problem was, I did all of those because of her, as in, I misunderstood the message she was trying to give me and acted another way. I didn't have any of those problems for the first 6 months of our relationship and that was because I was just simply being myself. Being my first relationship, I thought I was supposed to always let her pick on me and not stand up for myself because she would only say something for my own good and not against me, right? Well I know now I was wrong.

 

Now it's been over and we talked that over but she tells me she doesn't want to try again because she says she doubts she'll feel all she used to. Though she still spends all of her time with me outside of school. Even on school nights, I'd phone her between 1-4 in the morning to talk and she would never be against it, even if she was sleeping or had a big test the next day, she'd always talk to me. Earlier she told me those reasons and I asked her if I could call her, she hesitated at first, but then said it "wouldn't hurt so long as we don't talk about the past."

 

The thing with those calls in the early morning was that, to both of us, they were the most meaningful nights of our whole relationship... she hasn't and doesn't do this with anyone else. Usually talking on the phone we'd get really deep and meaningful with each other at that time of the night/morning and she wants it again. She told me before we ever started doing that, that she doesn't like calls at that time, but she grew to love it. Now that we're not in a relationship (only for a few days.. but I want to win her back) surely she wouldn't want it right? Maybe she still has feelings? Maybe she wants me to prove I can still show her my feelings and make it through to her?

 

Oh one last important thing, the calls were more meaningful because both of us would be in serious trouble if we were caught, both by our parents and schools. We were both caught one night before and got into serious trouble and were limited in talking for a week, but we both agreed it was worth it. So knowing the risk, she still wants it, can i win her back? I don't want to force her, but she's a really reallyy tough girl and has more guts than a lot of guys i know and she doesn't like admitting things, there has to be some feelings left for me, riight?

 

Thanks in advance, I'll be calling her tonight and if it goes well.. another night soon.

[Ronni_W]

I didn't have guts...stand up for myself...was a jerk...wouldn't show I was doing more than trying.

And while all of those are true,

I think that, if she's feeling anything for you, it is platonic. Because she is wonderfully clear in what she does NOT want in a partner and, because of her demonstrated self-awareness, I would have to guess that she knows you will not have learned assertiveness and authenticity in a few days.

 

Though, I'm not sure what she was looking for in expecting you to do MORE than try. Or is it more accurate that you weren't really trying at all?

 

Your more important questions may be: what are your plans to learn how to appropriately stand up for yourself and express your own honest likes and dislikes? Or, are you even seeing your prior behaviour as maladaptive and something that needs to be improved upon?

 

Your post also reads that you were a jerk "because of her" -- I can't see how THAT strategy would work in your favour .

 

I don't think she has long-term plans to reconnect with you in a romantic way. If you need time and space to move on, you might want to consider going 'no contact'...and being really strong about enforcing that.