Initiating first contact with a girl = trouble...

[Exavion]

So, this is a fairly simple question to ask, but I expect the answer is more complicated than I hope for unfortunately. You see, I'm currently eighteen, a male, I'd consider myself Metro-sexual. I take care of my physical appearance, I exercise a lot, eat right, I've never done drugs/smoked and I don't even drink alcohol. I don't have anything against these things on a moral ground.

 

I don't understand why girls pass me up, or why I get stuck in the friend zone while they go out and find an absolute freaking jerk, and then complain to me about how horrible he is treating her; and yet she still remains with him. What the hell is with that? Perhaps I'm just too romantic, maybe girls associate this with being weak?

 

Eh, I think the biggest issue though, is I just can never seem to initiate any spark of attraction in a girl. I'm not really that shy, but I do consider myself a nice and polite guy. I try my best to respect everyone I meet... though I'm not a pushover either. I will stand up for myself and my girlfriend.

 

I don't consider myself ugly. I think I fall into the "cute" department. People say I look adorable, cute, cuddly, young... I guess girls want more of a rugged tough look? Could women really pass me up for this reason alone, even after getting to know me? I do have some acne, it used to be pretty bad. It's improving, however. I have some scarring but not many pimples anymore. It still hurts my overall confidence the most.

 

I don't know... I mean, I can understand if they thought I was ugly... but meh. I really just don't seem to have a knack with girls. They are so confusing. They all say they want a nice guy who will treat them right... while they are dating jerks again and again and again. The double standard, have to love it... so, what do I do?

 

I suppose it does not help me much that I also happen to live in a French city. It makes approaching random girls out in public even harder as I'm not even sure if we have the same language in common.

 

For this reason, I've switched my focuses more towards online dating. It's easy to initiate the conversation online, but girls are not very... receptive. I've tried to write up a catchy message to send out, and such.

 

Ugh, sorry for rambling on like that.

[Suiyobi]

I think you have enough qualities that would make any girl like you. The only two things you're missing are confidence and the ability to flirt with these girls. Once you got those two down, you're pretty much set. I'm sure most girls hate dating jerks (unless they're masochists) but it's just unfortunate that these "jerks" manage to give these girls the thrill that they seek.

[Exavion]

Thanks for the reply.

 

Let me ask you, have you ever had acne? (even mild)... I just want to know if you really understand what it's like.

 

Also, did you ever live in a city who's primary language is one in which you dislike and are not that fluent in?

 

Well, those two issues seriously bog me down... it affects my confidence in a drastic way. Not to mention that I can't exactly just walk up to a girl on the street...

[motive2002]

so, what do I do?

Relax. You're 18 and got a whole life ahead of you. Being in the friend zone can be seen as negative, but you have to understand that just because you like a girl, doesn't mean she feels that certain spark with you. There's nothing wrong with that, and there's nothing wrong with you either.

Consider the friends zone as personal networking. You can potentially meet other girls through this network, and having a lot of friends and acquaintances is a good thing if you're interested in dating.

 

I have my own opinion of on-line dating, and it isn't all that nice so I'll try to gloss over it. Suffice it to say that the best way, in my opinion, to meet someone is still through a social, in-person network of friends.

Online dating can be kind of a scary experience. You don't know a thing about the person you're chatting with, or how many other people they are chatting with at the same time. If you meet someone through your social network, you can, at the very least get a little inside scoop about what the person is like.

 

Whatever you do, don't try to "fake" who you are just because you think you're too "nice". You can be bold once in a while, or try to impress, but don't lose yourself in the process. They're just girls and they are looking for the same thing you are. Maybe some are looking for a guy like you and maybe some aren't. Just because a girl gets hung up over a jerk doesn't mean you're too nice. Maybe she just wasn't interested in you in the first place. Not the end of the world there. Lots of girls to choose from. You're young and the world is your oyster.

[Exavion]

Hi.

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

I agree that I do have a lot of other stuff I can do to entertain myself, and I do it. Probably all of it. I eat, I workout, I go outside and play, I climb trees, jog, have a bike... a job, some friends, I play video games, watch movies and tv shows. I have a good life, save for one thing.

 

Deep down, I'm extremely, almost pathetically lonely. It's very fustrating. All I want is someone to hold and be with, but I can't seem to find someone.

 

Online, just for the record, some girls do reply... but anytime I show any interest in them, they pull away.

 

I don't want to change who I am to get a girl, but at the same time... this just doesn't seem to be working. If I wasn't so lonely, it wouldn't be an issue... but, gah!

[Green]

Well I looked at ur myspace page... I really don't understand the last paragraph you should delete it and delete the one about subway. Good song girls love that song so that alone will keep them on ur page. As for the shirt off shots your better off taking them in a beach setting or a pool that way its less obvious your just trying to show ur shirt off. Girls don't really go out with only jerks it just seems that way to you. The fact is in order to get a girl you have to risk losing her, you aproach women as friends and thats all they'll ever be. When you have romantic interest in a girl you have to chalenge her, show her you can be her equal. Next time your with the girl you like flirt with her, tease her, touch her, and kiss her. get slapped face for god sakes I mean whats the worst that can happen. Also don't ignore your other dreams, for me getting with hot women is one of my dreams but I also advance my other dreams which in turn helps me get with women.

[Exavion]

Well I looked at ur myspace page... I really don't understand the last paragraph you should delete it and delete the one about subway. Good song girls love that song so that alone will keep them on ur page. As for the shirt off shots your better off taking them in a beach setting or a pool that way its less obvious your just trying to show ur shirt off. Girls don't really go out with only jerks it just seems that way to you. The fact is in order to get a girl you have to risk losing her, you aproach women as friends and thats all they'll ever be. When you have romantic interest in a girl you have to chalenge her, show her you can be her equal. Next time your with the girl you like flirt with her, tease her, touch her, and kiss her. get slapped face for god sakes I mean whats the worst that can happen. Also don't ignore your other dreams, for me getting with hot women is one of my dreams but I also advance my other dreams which in turn helps me get with women.

 

Hey.

 

Hmm, you don't understand the last paragraph? My dislikes? And hey! What's wrong with me expressing my infatuation with subway?

 

I'll be updating my pictures soon anyhow as they are a tad bit outdated (a few months now). That is good advice though, no beaches here. I'll take one by the pool.

 

Hmm, well when I actually am with a girl I already know, I have little issue flirting and teasing them... it seems to go great, but they always pull back. I really, just don't get it.

[Green]

do you touch their butts, go in for the kiss, boobs? no u probably do none of this and theres ur problem. Go for the kiss, go for the but, the boobs. You have to make a woman feel as though ur undressing her with your eyes... when the time is right... look ur obviously not trying very hard if these girls are friends... I mean you should have either been making out with them by now or been told never to come by them again... I don't know what your doing but its all wrong

[Exavion]

do you touch their butts, go in for the kiss, boobs? no u probably do none of this and theres ur problem. Go for the kiss, go for the but, the boobs. You have to make a woman feel as though ur undressing her with your eyes... when the time is right... look ur obviously not trying very hard if these girls are friends... I mean you should have either been making out with them by now or been told never to come by them again... I don't know what your doing but its all wrong

 

I take it slow. I'm a romantic.

 

Going fast kills the magic.

 

And btw, what did you mean by not understanding my last paragraph (in my myspace profile)?

[Green]

the you could call me a fatty but you'd be wrong, blabhahalghahgak cant gain any weight blessing and a curse... it really should be left out. Look I tried to give you some quality advice, if you want to pertend your to romantic and only jerks get girls you can. If you really were romantic you'd have no trouble. I gaurantee they feel no romance if you reall do have the problem you say you do. Maybe you'll lucky and find a girl willing to make all the moves you don't.

[Exavion]

the you could call me a fatty but you'd be wrong, blabhahalghahgak cant gain any weight blessing and a curse... it really should be left out. Look I tried to give you some quality advice, if you want to pertend your to romantic and only jerks get girls you can. If you really were romantic you'd have no trouble. I gaurantee they feel no romance if you reall do have the problem you say you do. Maybe you'll lucky and find a girl willing to make all the moves you don't.

 

What is wrong with saying that I like subway?

 

I really am romantic, that's not naughty. I'm not going to go grabbing a girls ass or boobs, not until after a few dates...

[Green]

I didn't even mention subway in the quoted portion just now?

 

R u even getting dates? you should kiss a girl atleast on the first date if not before the first date... Your really stuborn I'm done giving you advice but i wish you luck and try not to get discouraged

[Exavion]

I didn't even mention subway in the quoted portion just now?

 

R u even getting dates? you should kiss a girl atleast on the first date if not before the first date... Your really stuborn I'm done giving you advice but i wish you luck and try not to get discouraged

 

The first time you mentioned it, you did.. so I figured you meant the whole thing, not just the portion you quoted.

 

No... I've never been on a date before. If you read the thread, it's mainly about getting a girl to be interested in me in the first place... how am I stubborn? I thought this was a discussion.

[kefka_palazzo]

You're an 18-year-old guy, which is the worst position to be in. Women your age are painfully immature (as are most men) and very few older women want a man of your age. Very broadly speaking, gender balance improves for men as they age. It's terrible for average men at 18, and great for women (yes, average-looking college girls do have it really easy). The reverse is true after age 30. So time is on your side. Oh, and while you're living it up, the girls who dated alpha-jerks in college will be miserable and lonely, unable to find a long-term partner on account of their baggage and history. Karma pwns.

 

You seem fairly articulate, so you're probably half a decade (or more) ahead of your age intellectually, which further creates a hazard for you, because that's not an advantage with most teenage girls. As you've observed, they're into stupid, boorish alpha males who treat them horribly. These women never go away; the best you can do is to learn how to avoid them. Chances are, you fall into their path because your tastes are immature and your method of approach is flawed. You'll get better at finding the few women who are worth your time (and they are soooo worth your time). This is a very hard search problem, so don't be too hard on yourself, because you will get better over time.

 

The acne will go away. When I was 18, I had bad acne and was about 30 pounds underweight, so I definitely know what that's like. It's horrible. I went overseas at age 20, acne-free and at a normal weight, and hit my stride there. Your best bet for gaining confidence is to go overseas, because intelligence and refinement are valued more by women in most of the rest of the world.

 

On a more immediate note, my advice would be this: don't let women discuss their boyfriend problems with you. Just say, "it's between you and him, and it's really none of my business". You don't gain anything but false hope in being the girl's go-to guy for boyfriend advice. It's good to be friends with girls, even if you have no interest in dating them, but you should structure your friendships around real common interests and stay the hell away from relationship talk. You need to let her know where you stand: if she's relatively happy with her relationship and just looking to vent or bounce ideas off of someone, you're not that "someone"; if she's not happy with her relationship, she can come to you after she breaks up with him.

 

This advice, of course, won't get you a girlfriend. In fact, I'd rather not tell you this, but you probably won't have many, if any, girlfriends for the next 3 or 4 years. Being a college-age male sucks. Best strategy is to cut your losses and not try too hard. If you find someone, great, but if you don't, you'll be happy not to have wasted too much time. When you're older (mid-20s), a whole world of awesomeness will open up to you, and the fact that you weren't very active in college really won't matter.

[nopainnogain]

Even if a girl goes after you once she gets you and are no longer a challenge they will move on.

[paddington bear]

As for the shirt off shots your better off taking them in a beach setting or a pool that way its less obvious your just trying to show ur shirt off.

 

I haven't looked at your page, but shirt off shots? No no! The only place where that works is on gay online dating sites. Women are not so turned on visually as men are. You seem intelligent, but putting up pics of your naked torso is focusing on one aspect of you alone and one that women, or should I say 18 year old girls, would feel a bit weirded out by.

 

I also live in a foreign city and after a year here am still not fluent in the language. Why not look for a tandem partner (preferably a few, female tandem partners around your age group - put an ad on Craigslist or similar in your area). You get to meet them regularly, they practice their English and you your French. It's not technically a date, but it gets you meeting members of the opposite sex, and if none of them rock your world, well at least your language skills will improve.

 

And don't worry - most of the guys here I've falteringly spoken to have said it's 'cute' my accent and bad language skills. Think of it as an endearing quality and not as a disadvantage.

[daZed&confUsed005]

dude i completly understand what you mean by the pathetic loneliness part.. i usually get stuck in the friend zone as well.. but my problem is that i don't have a clue how to flirt with a girl and slap there ass or going for the boobs seems a lil offensive to me.. plus i don't when would be the right time to do it lol.. sorry don't have any advice for you but atleast your not the only one goin through it..

[Green]

Just be yourself and ignore the scared voice that says don't slap that ass and slap the ass when you feel the time is right you'll know

[daZed&confUsed005]

hey kmt.. i read a lot of your posts on other people's topics and seems like you know what's goin on.. i was wondering if you could give me some pointers about how to approach women at parties and how to flirt with them (since i've just met them).. thanks man

[fral945]

I haven't looked at your page, but shirt off shots? No no! The only place where that works is on gay online dating sites. Women are not so turned on visually as men are. You seem intelligent, but putting up pics of your naked torso is focusing on one aspect of you alone and one that women, or should I say 18 year old girls, would feel a bit weirded out by.

 

Listen to paddington. Strangely enough, I think women are more impressed by men with their clothes on. Go figure.

 

I am very fit male and I know I have a good body but I also know from experience it doesn't mean much to a lot of women. I actually focus more on what I wear and how it fits me (dress nicely with clothes that fit, clean shaven, smell good). I get far more comments on those things than comments about my body. Those things seem to impress them more.

 

Focus on that and you'll be able to spend more time with them without any clothes on.