She just became single, I am interested, how to ask.

[centex]

Hello everyone,

I am in a bit of a down turn. (or up turn).

There is this woman I met that has just come out of an abusive (physically) relationship.

I have been attracted to her since the first time we met.

She has only been out of this relationship for about a week.

We do talk on a regular basis and I have given her my phone number to reach me if she needs anything.

We have a good friendship and I would like to see it go farther but do not want to push her away.

Yesterday I gave her a ride home from work at her request and now know where she lives.

I would like to spend some time talking to her and getting to know her more but I am not sure how long to wait and am not sure if now is the proper time to ask her out on a date.

I am worried that if I wait to long she may begin seeing someone else and I may loose my chance at getting to know this person.

She works in a very public place and I don't think me stopping by her home would be appropriate at this point either.

 

I have come up with idea of sending flowers (general all occasion) along with a note inviting her to go to lunch, for a walk or to the park (since she does have children) and also to let her know that I am concerned about how she is doing and am still available to call on shall she need someone to talk to. She seems open to talking with me, even about personal issues as we have already done so in the past.

 

Would this be too much? Too little? Should I just ask her out?

These are the issues I am dealing with now. I really don't want to ruin this in anyway but also know that doing nothing may result in the lost opportunity of her companionship.

 

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Thanks

[Tony T]

Any relationship this woman gets involved in right after her breakup will be transitional and very short term. Your best bet is to continue to be her friend for now until some time has passed. If you really feel compelled to reserve a spot on her dating list, tell her you are very sorry about her break up and you know what she is probably going through right now emotionally. But when she feels she is ready to start exploring the world of dating again, you'd be interested in taking the friendship to a new level if she would be open to that. That's all you have to say. And ONLY say that if you must.

 

Right now, if she has any feelings at all and whether the break up was her idea or not, she will be going through some measure of pain. Getting involved with anyone fresh out of a relationship and in the healing process is not something you want to think about doing. And if you really care for her as much as you say you do, you'll have no problem with her going out with other men if that's what she really wants to do....that is, if you're the friend to her that you say you are.

[EnigmaXOXO]

The flowers are a good idea, but I would go slow with the romantic denotations. Rather than suggesting a date, how about attaching a note that says "If ever you need a friend...." or "You can always lean on me." Even better, "Thanks for being the bright spot in my day."

 

Subtle, but sweet, without coming on too strong. That should tug the heart strings!

[centex]

Hello,

Thanks for all the advice. I decided to go with the flowers (a brighter day type style) and a card that read something along the lines of "If you need someone to talk to I am here" (but in a creative Hallmark fashion) and a note suggesting we get together for lunch.

This went over extremely well. I got an immediate thank you and a smile before I even got through the door where she works. She even seemed to be more at ease and joked around more and was in brighter spirits.

When she thanked me for the flowers I asked her if she smiled and she said yes. I then replied with "that is all I wanted".

I really believe it made her day and mine as well. I was not too sure how it would be perceived and a little worried but it turned out better than expected.

The lunch thing is still up in the air but at least it is out there.

I am totally satisfied with just seeing her smile and being in brighter spirits.

She even seemed more talkative which is a good sign.

Thanks everyone for the feedback.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Way to go, Centex!

 

One small step at a time! Concentrate now on showing her that you are someone that she can trust, someone that she can count on...One of the "good guys."

 

Remember, "trust" may be a difficult thing for her right now given she is coming out of a bad relationship. If you focus more on developing an intimate friendship, rather than rushing her right into the romance, things will develop naturally over time.

 

Tony is right on about the "rebound" relationships. You'll want to steer clear of being that guy! If you want to be around for the duration, you must make absolutely sure she has had plenty of time to process her feelings. Make sure she is thinking with a clear head. Don't rush her! Just make sure you are there when she needs a shoulder to lean on.

 

So happy for you! And you know its *love* when you'll do anything just to see them smile...

[centex]

You are correct in that it will take ime.

It will take lots of time but I am waiting it out in the background with reminders from time to time that I am here. She needs to call on me before I can ever begin to build up the trust.

This is what is really going to be difficult due to the past experiences she has had. One thing is she works with some friends of mine I went to school with (back in the day) and they know how I am. At some point I am sure she will bring me up to this other girl I went to school with and we are like the very best of friends still.

I have noticed that she is starting to bring up issues that she is haveing as they arise and asks for my thoughts and input.

This is something new (after the flowers) This is a good sign as well.

Yesterday I even overheard her say to a customer that now that she is out of that abusive relationship that she has great friends that even send her flowers when she is down and has someone to talk to as well. She is right.

She has also brought up a few issues that she is haveing since the breakup and though never directly asked for help I believe she is asking for it in an indirect manner as she may be scared to directly ask even though I told her no matter what it is she can come to me. I plan on resolving these issues in the background.

I don't think she believes me when I said she can come to me no matter what it is. I have told her I meant it and I do. Women are not use to that after being through what she has and reluctant at best if not scared.

I believe time and little ways of helping either in the background or foreground are probably best for now until she relaxes more and realizes that I will be there for her. I think she knows this but does not believe it based on her past.

It's hard but I would not do it if I did not care. At times I feel like I need my own person to go to and I have great friends in that department. We all help out each other. It's been that way since the grade school days. Just very lucky I guess.

I have also noticed she changes her mind frequently (like daily) I believe this to be a seek and search issue where she is trying to figure out what she wants and what to do. Confused a little I guess. This is to be expected all things considered.

It was really hard seeing her with all those bruises and such when she showed them to me.

It's hard on me emotionally as well, mainly due to me being such a careing person I guess. Each time I see her she smiles and she is happy for the rest of the day and beyond. To see her smile again makes my day.

Anyway, enough of that. I could go on for hours.

Thanks for all the feedback and if anyone has any other ideas or suggestions please let me know.

Thanks