Getting them back/Pride/closure/no contact

[jmmm]

i messed up my last part...conflicted about things he wrote..not what i wrote

[Hersheys]

It's all about you now. Don't mind him (ex). You've gotten enough closure with his answers.

 

Now that you've tried every thing, it's time to start shifting your focus from having closure of your relationship with him to finding closure and acceptance from within yourself that it is over.

 

Your ex is just trying to say NO, I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU in way that you won't get hurt.

 

You've done more than enough to get closure. If he really loves you and cares about you, there will be no maybe's. Time to give your heart and mind a break.

[BCCA]

jmmm,

 

I've given you the same advice repeatedly, and pretty much told you what was going to happen when you contacted him. While I'm actually surprised he replied as much as he did, gator is right on. He made it as clear as humanly possible that the isn't interested in getting back together. No, he wasnt mean (which you should be thankful for) and didnt say straight out that he didnt ever want to get together with you, but most people arent going to be that harsh when you call them out. Also, when he tried to make it obvious, you resorted to guilt tripping him with 'so you dont care' etc...

 

There was really one reason for this contact: to see where you two stood. You know it, I know it, everyone reading this knows it. If it was just for closure, the entire conversation would have been completely different. You started with this:

 

i still love you and know the things that got in the way could have been easily fixed and avoided

 

How could that possibly be interpreted as anything other than "give me another chance"? He's not avoiding answering you or not giving you a straight answer, youre not accepting what hes telling you. He's going to be busy with work conveniently in the near future, and you really think THATS whats holding him back? No, Im sorry, he is TRYING to spare your feelings, and youre fighting him on it.

 

Again, this is OVER. I'm sorry its been a hard go for you, but you're really making yourself crazy over nothing. This guy, for WHATEVER reason (youll never know, and it will never matter) has decided that its better for him to go on without you. Instead of accepting it or even trying to, you keep grasping at straws because he called your friends boyfriend (not you) and asked if you were ok. I've seen nothing youve posted at all thats made me even slightly feel that this guy sees any chance of a reconcilation.

 

Please, let this go, try and work on yourself. Dont lie to yourself about what youre doing, its as obvious as day to anyone here what your agenda is. Stop waiting around, this guy aint coming back. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but really...6+ pages for this? Youre making yourself crazy. I agree, you should go to therapy, and not because I like being mean, but because you are not seeing what is right in front of you and maybe someone professionally trained can help you find your way.

 

to see if he is completely done

 

HE IS COMPLETELY DONE! I dont see what else you need before reaching that conclusion yourself.

 

Please, I beg of you, let this one go.

[Ingenue]

jmmm,

 

As many of us have already told you, you need to let the relationship go. Whether you contacted your ex for closure or in the hopes of initiating a reconciliation, the fact remains that your ex has told you that he does not want to be in a relationship. Whether his excuse is legitimate or not, he was simply trying to spare your feelings by stating the obvious in a kinder, gentler manner.

 

He does not want to give the relationship another chance. You need to move on and close this chapter of your life. That doesn’t mean you have to forget him or the memories you’ve had. But it’s time for you to write another chapter.

 

I know that hope for rekindling the relationship still burns in you. Most of us can read that desire through your words. But the longer you dwell on an unlikely scenario, the longer you delude yourself into believing that you have a future with this man. You do not need to see if he is completely done. Please don’t read anything into his words. He has told you he doesn’t want to be with you. You need to pick yourself up, accept the situation, really accept it.

 

Take some time for yourself and learn to let this go. If you need to talk to a counsellor to achieve that, by all means do that. But the most important thing to do is to let the relationship go in your heart and mind. He has. Now you must do the same.

[BCCA]

Ingenue, since the first post, this has never been about closure or getting her stuff back. We all tried to tell her to let it go, dont worry about your stuff, dont read into anything. She insisted that she wanted to get her stuff back, and although at the same time she could see where things stand, according to her, that was never the first priority. Just closure and her things.

 

Then, against everyone else's advice (to each their own, you gotta do what you feel like you gotta do, so I dont hold that against anyone) she went ahead and contacted him. Instead of 'I was hoping that we could talk for closure / so I can get my things back' she doesnt mention either of those two things, and goes right into telling him that things are different and could have easily been fixed. Doesnt strike me as someone looking for closure or their things back.

 

Then, he says, please come take your stuff. Its not like I gave it to you, and Ive kept it for you as a courtesy. Other people could/would have tossed it. Then, she tells him its just too hard, he can throw it away if he wants. So, she didnt really want that stuff a whole lot.

 

Even after this guy made it painfully obvious that he wasn't and interested in making things work, didnt want to 'waste her time', and gave her obvious BS excuses about being busy, she still wont let it go. She's held onto the belief that him calling her friends boyfriend to see if she was ok (probably because she was a mess and the guy wants to make sure she is getting by and hasnt gotten too close to rock bottom) meant something more, or was supposed to be her hint that he was thinking about getting back together.

 

I really wanted to help and get her to see things for what they were, but some people really have to go down with the ship. I just wish jmmm would stop doing this to herself, it kills me to see someone keep shooting themselves in the foot over the same person who just doesnt care about them the same way. It seems like this guy has tried to make things pretty clear and go about his business. I just hope that someday soon, she'll stop letting this consume her entire life.

[Ingenue]

BCCA, I know what you're talking about. Earlier on in the thread, I thought that the move to get belongings might indeed be an attempt to at least initiate some form of emotional closure. The summary of the contact clearly suggests otherwise. But it's difficult to concretely say what the OP actually believes in her head (waffling between closure vs reconciliation).

 

I'm hoping that this contact will actually serve as the emotional trigger that will jolt jmmm. Perhaps if she processes the situation and her ex's responses, she'll see them for what they are. Sometimes we all need to fall flat on our faces before we can pick ourselves up. It's her first love. Those run deep as does the hope of reconciling, however misguided it may be. Hopefully this experience will hit hard enough so that she can move on. I hope too that she'll be able to move on.

 

jmmm, our break ups happened at about the same time give or take a few weeks. The love of my life broke up with me over email after 5 years together. But instead of clinging on to some misguided hope of reconciliation, I've recently just passed my 100 day NC mark. I can honestly say that abandoning the hope of reconciling with my ex has been one of the healthiest things that I could have done for myself. Whether or not my ex comes back into my life or whether or not your ex comes back into your life is no longer relevant. You must think about the present and only the present. The present reality is that you and your ex are broken up. For whatever reason, the relationship did not work anymore for your ex. Find yourself now, in the present and find your happiness now, in the present. If you do not and continue to hold onto this hope, you will never move on.

[alwayssme]

i understand what you mean...from my experience NC sucked because it helped HIM forget about me even more and it made him more distant, but then my situation was different. I know that if i go NC again, he won't call and i don't want to push him even further away...but if i cry to him and try talking to him (again) it will push him away as well. i'm so confused, i don't know what to do either. i do want him in my life for certain. i will try NC for a while and see what happens. but i don't think i can do it. this situation sucks! never know what would make things worse:o

[BCCA]

i understand what you mean...from my experience NC sucked because it helped HIM forget about me even more and it made him more distant, but then my situation was different. I know that if i go NC again, he won't call and i don't want to push him even further away...but if i cry to him and try talking to him (again) it will push him away as well. i'm so confused, i don't know what to do either. i do want him in my life for certain. i will try NC for a while and see what happens. but i don't think i can do it. this situation sucks! never know what would make things worse:o

 

The first thing you need to do is realize that you cannot control how someone else feels, or whether or not they are in your life. As much as you might think that he'll forget about you if you go NC, its really your only choice for healing. And I know how you feel about it right now, but you do need to get over this and work on accepting things for what they are. Too many times, we dwell on breakups for so long that when we finally do accept that its over, we've wasted far too much time worrying about an ex who doesnt want us anymore.

 

I promise you, NC is your best option. I know you dont want to believe it, but it sounds like you are struggling with accepting things for what they are. You are broken up, and nothing you can say or do will make your ex change their mind or feel differently. And you dont want someone to feel like youre guilt tripping them or forcing them to remain in contact. If your ex wanted to talk to you, they would call, simple as that.

[Peter_pan]

jmmm after reading alll this post, i was going to say before you contacted him that "actions speak louder than words", but im glad you cleared things up and can heal.

 

i hope i meet someone as mad about me as you where for him

[jmmm]

thanks peter,

 

atleast someone appreciates the amount of love i have for him lol..although it should have been him...

[BCCA]

thanks peter,

 

atleast someone appreciates the amount of love i have for him lol..although it should have been him...

 

I never doubted the amount of love you had for this guy. You obviously are very attached, and thats admirable for sure. My entire purpose for visiting this website is to help people with situations that I've personally been in before so that they can stop hurting and move on as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, sometimes that means being the bearer of bad news.

 

Jmmm, we all care about what happens to you. If we didnt, this thread wouldnt be 6 pages long. I just dont want to see you suffer if it can be avoided. If you need to PM/email me, I would be glad to help you out with any advice I can. Just treat yourself a little better than this, please. You dont deserve this hopless and unhappy life.

[jmmm]

hey bcca,

 

i wasn't refering to you or anyone but my ex S/O

 

i really hate being without him..it feels weird thinking about him going about his day....i really miss him...alot of my friends say he gave me reasons to feel insecure with the little things he did and said

[You'reasian]

hey bcca,

 

i wasn't refering to you or anyone but my ex S/O

 

i really hate being without him..it feels weird thinking about him going about his day....i really miss him...alot of my friends say he gave me reasons to feel insecure with the little things he did and said

 

If you really miss him, let him know and see how he responds?

[Sysyphus28]

Awful idea. Save your time and dignity. PLEASE.

 

Don't contact him to see how he feels. He already told you didn't her?

Don't drag yourself through the mud for anyone! ANYONE! EVER!

 

SELF PRESERVATION PLEASE

[BCCA]

Awful idea. Save your time and dignity. PLEASE.

 

Don't contact him to see how he feels. He already told you didn't her?

Don't drag yourself through the mud for anyone! ANYONE! EVER!

 

SELF PRESERVATION PLEASE

 

My thoughts exactly. You've made your feelings clear, and unfortunately, he's done the same. You made every effort, did all you could, and really tried harder than should be neccesary for this guy. All you would be doing now is prolonging your agony. Don't do that to yourself!

 

You have a big heart and a lot of love to give. Find someone who wants it, and wants to love you back. They're out there, you'll find them someday

[Bob54]

After reading all 6 pages of this thread, I'd like to interject something from a guy's POV...and I'm kind of surprised no one else has mentioned this:

 

If he were a good guy, a guy who gave a hoot about you, he would have called you right after the breakup and offered you your things back.

 

Period.

 

You should not have to call him to ASK for your belongings. He realizes they are yours, and would want you to have them back asap. He would probably offer to deliver them to your doorstep - at least that is what I have done in every breakup I've ever had, and I think most decent guys would do the same.

 

When a relationship ends, both parties should have closure immediately. Not dragging things on and on...not keeping someone's personal belongings for 3 months and never even calling to say, "hey do you want this stuff back, or shall I toss it?"

 

What this tells me is that if he didn't even care enough about you to offer your things back right away after the breakup, then he probably cares less about you than he cared about a leftover meal he was going to throw in the trash.

 

Sorry, but this guy is a total loser and you're lucky to be rid of him.

 

Submitted as one of those dreaded "nice guys" who would NEVER do that to a girl I dated for 3 weeks, let alone 3 years...

[BCCA]

I'm going to assume for a second, so I apologize if this is incorrect.

 

My guess is that all of their conversations were about getting back together and such, and the guy just didnt want to talk to her if thats all they were going to talk about. Also, I dont know what the stuff is, but my guess is that its small things (CDs/clothes/etc) that seemed insignifigant to the guy for whatever reason, and he didnt put a lot of effort into giving them back because he probably was going to hold onto them for, say, 6 months and throw them away if she didnt ask for them. I'm not saying thats right, and I agree - I would have returned everything immediately, but some people like to avoid confrontation.

 

Also important to note is that he did offer her things, and she refused them. I dont know for sure, but perhaps he did that before and was met with the same response.

 

It seems to me like this guy was done the moment he pulled the trigger on the breakup, and he just wasnt interested in hearing her cry or being guilt tripped (not saying that was anyones intention, but he probably feels that way). If you can see from reading all the posts, jmmm has been kind of grasping at straws to find reasons he might want to get back together, and he may have felt that dissapearing was the best way to get her to understand. And if her stuff was replacable (i.e., not a Honus Wagner rookie card, etc) he might have just figured it wasnt worth the hassle.

[jmmm]

hey bob.

 

i appreciate your response..i have actually been told the same thing by a few good friends and even my parents..my father said if he was so done with you, he should have been a man and returned the things or asked if i wanted them back immediately after the break up..not tell you he isn't up for talking but we will and he had no business calling my friends boyfriend to see how i was doing...he probably knows how i am and that would make me think that maybe he is thinking about things.

 

bcca, it actually wasn't just worthless things...it was an outifit i wore on a very special occassion that of course i would want to have as a keepsake, expensive jewelry family gave to me, something else that was worth $200 and then other odds and ends

 

i have been told he is a coward and doesn't know how to communicate and this situation shows it

 

 

texting him was to show that i genuinly care about him after time has passed and still truly love him..if i was with someone for that long of time, i don't see it as desperate or pathetic to tell that person that one last time..i think it takes courage to say all that i wrote..i wasn't just drunk dialing him or stalking..i thought my words were honest, heartfelt and direct...and in a way it was looking to see if he was going to say its time for us to move on etc etc but of course he still couldn't give me that direct clear answer...some have said its like he wants to leave that door slightly open--just in case

[BCCA]

I never said worthless, I just didn't know the extent of their value. Still, he did offer them up to you, and you should have someone get them. Don't let him keep or throw away your stuff because youre upset now, you'll probably regret it later if you do.

 

The way hes acting is nearly identical to every ex I've ever had. Granted, Im a guy, and maybe girls are different, but if you've never experienced this wishy washy crap before, get used to it, unfortunately. Most people avoid confrontation, and try to blur the blame onto other situations and circumstances beyond their control so they dont look like a big jerk.

 

I think it took some courage to talk to him one last time. I really do understand how difficult it was, I've done it before. All I'm saying is that what he said gave you all the answers you needed. He's not leaving the door open at all, he's just not trying to look like the bad guy (which I can see why you would consider it cowardly). All he is trying to do is get out of the situation with as little effort or discussion as possible because, like I said, he's been done for a while it seems. If one thing is clear, to me, its that he is definitely not giving your relationship any more thought right now.

 

I'm going to go out a limb, but maybe he really did want to see how you were without talking to you or asking anyone who he knew for sure would be with you/close to you. He may have honestly thought your friends boyfriend wouldn't say anything to you about it.

 

I hope youre slowly pulling yourself out of this mess and working on getting over this guy. You'll be just fine one day, just don't worry about this guy anymore.

[jmmm]

he knew he was the first everthing basically and it made it seem to me like it meant nothing

 

alot of my friends think he doesnt want to totally say goodbye to someone like me

 

also--he knew it would get back to me about him calling that guy over how i was..he knew how the guy was and that he would tell my friend(his girlfiend)

[BCCA]

he knew he was the first everthing basically and it made it seem to me like it meant nothing

 

alot of my friends think he doesnt want to totally say goodbye to someone like me

 

also--he knew it would get back to me about him calling that guy over how i was..he knew how the guy was and that he would tell my friend(his girlfiend)

 

I can understand where you're coming from. I know the first love is the hardest one to get over. I'm sure it didn't mean nothing to your ex during your time together, but right now he's in a different place.

 

I'm going to be honest with you, your friends are trying to be nice. I haven't seen anything you've posted thats made me think he's giving anything a second thought. Can you? You just talked to him recently, and he told you to get your stuff, he was going to be busy with work, blah, blah blah...he was trying to spare your feelings, but did he say anything about getting back together? No, and did he ever say I love you back? I dont think he did. I'm not trying to be cruel, but gator is right, you have to stop lying to yourself.

 

Look, you have to let this phone call to your friends boyfriend thing go. It obviously didn't mean anything, you just talked to him (or emailed, etc) and he didn't say anything different. You have to stop focusing on what he didn't say. When you make a dramatic production over the fact that 'this is the end, youre saying goodbye for good' he doesn't want to seem like a complete a-hole, so of course he's going to get wishy washy and put you off. Actions speak louder than words, what has he done to make you think that he isn't over the relationship?

 

I'm sure you're young enough to find many more available guys that will appreciate you more than this. Very few people marry their first love, so don't feel like your life is completely over because of one guy. Stop waiting to see if anything changes with him, you're only spinning your wheels and getting nowhere. Get someone to get your things, delete his number from your phone, and go on as if he isn't coming back. I know, I sound like a broken record, but you need to start accepting things for what they are sooner than later.

[jmmm]

i only mentioned that phone call to the friend because you said maybe he thought it wouldn't get back to me so i was saying yeah, he did know it would

 

 

i don't think my friends are just trying to be nice..they have been pretty honest

 

i have already did all that stuff like delete his number..a long time ago..and i go out with friends when the opportunity comes up but i am still sad

 

apart of me just kind of feels when he wrote this is unexpected, we haven't spoke in months and its not a switch that can be turned on and off..apart of me kind of thinks in time he may actually come back...i know work is an excuse and he should have just been more direct about it

 

i find it very weird how he ended things..

[jmmm]

it makes me feel completely horrible at times

[Sysyphus28]

MY ex ended it horrible with me too. I still miss her alot.

its been 5-6 weeks NC.

It is hard not to call.

But I don't want to make an A** of myself.

[jasperlynx]

We all know it hurts so bad to love someone and for them to tell you its over and to leave them alone, but I guess its our nature to want to fight for our love, by pleading, begging, crying, and manipulating change that everything will be ok. Please give me one more chance? (in that hesteric tone). Ive done all that...and what did it get me? NOTHING BUT "look at you your still sef-centered and think about yourself).

 

Leave him alone......this caliguy is amazing...he made me feel somewhat better....about my situation.

 

Just be civil and leave them alone.