Having trouble moving on

[LostHusband]

I've been posting on and off on this forum since last October, when my wife told me she was going to leave me. She finally left 3 months ago and I have been trying to move on, but am having great difficulties. I was getting better for awhile (see my earlier posts for my crazy rollercoaster of emotions I have been having). I was having fun, enjoying single life - felt pretty good. But it just seems like the closer I get to accepting things, the sadder I feel. Part of the problem is that for 8 months after she said she was leaving, we still lived together and started getting along much better, having sex more frequently, having more fun/doing more stuff together. I had got to the point where I didn't even think about her leaving, because it seemed like she was going to end up staying.

 

But she left and I thought maybe it was for the best, I hoped that she would start to miss me and things could start over for us (I realize many of us hope for the same things here). We still talked and had physical intimacy with each other (had sex 4 times, 2 times I initiated it, 2 times it was her). Never felt guilty about that, we both enjoyed it and were always on friendlier terms afterwards. I think that has come to an end though, because lately she has been very hands off with me. We took the kids to the zoo yesterday and I stupidly tried to hold her hand in the car and she got pretty annoyed and told me we weren't together anymore and we were just together that day for the kids. That felt awful, I really didn't think I could make it through the day after that. But the zoo was fine, we walked around with the kids and the tension left right when we got there. I still wanted to hug her when the day was done, but she didn't even want to do that.

 

Yep I know I'm doing it all wrong, but so far it seemed to have been working, I was still getting affection and calls from her and so I just kept it up. But she stopped calling during her lunch breaks at work because she has been hanging out with a friend at work during lunch (along with some other people, all just hanging out around an outside table). She doesn't try to hide it, she likes the guy and he likes her. He is in a complicated relationship where he lives with a girl but wants to break up with her. She is in a complicated relationship where she is separated from her husband. Doesn't this sound like a recipe for disaster? I can't stand thinking about them two, it eats away at me inside. I know that all I can do is just let her go and move on - I can't keep doing this - hoping for her to come around. But yet I keep hoping that SOME DAY she will. I want her new relationship to fail and her to come running back to me. I feel so weak, I feel like I shouldn't even post this because of how pathetic I sound!

[TrustInYourself]

It's not pathetic. You're hurt. It's reasonable to feel that way.

[Rooster_DAR]

"Hope can be a dangerous thing" Morgan Freeman (The Shawshank Redemption)

 

I've been through the same feelings not too long ago, and I sometimes still feel them. The best thing to do is work on you, it's a slow but doable process. I suggest reading some books on how to improve your well being, and if you don't have one get a pet such as a dog, they will put up with anything you throw at them.

 

Regards,

[FadedSign]

You're not weak! I know it's not easy but focus on doing things for yourself. Get a hobby, go out and stay busy.

 

My situation is a little different but my wife and I are separated and she's in another relationship already and it eats at me knowing she is with him. I have my good and bad periods. I try to stay away from information on them as much as possible.

 

Time does heal all wounds buddy hang in there!

[Mr. Lucky]

But she left and I thought maybe it was for the best, I hoped that she would start to miss me and things could start over for us (I realize many of us hope for the same things here). We still talked and had physical intimacy with each other (had sex 4 times, 2 times I initiated it, 2 times it was her). Never felt guilty about that, we both enjoyed it and were always on friendlier terms afterwards. I think that has come to an end though, because lately she has been very hands off with me.

I know the sex is tempting, but it works against you in several ways -

 

- It allows her to use you as a transitional relationship as she moves on

 

- It gives you a distorted view of your soon to be ended marriage

 

- It keeps you from moving on

 

The best thing you can do for everyone involved - you, her and the kids - is to get established in the next phase of your life. A grounded position of strength will enable you to make good decisions and focus on your kids. Hanging around her back porch hoping for a hand-out will not help...

 

Mr. Lucky

[soda]

I want her new relationship to fail and her to come running back to me. I feel so weak, I feel like I shouldn't even post this because of how pathetic I sound!

 

Let her have her new relationship, and it will probably fail. She may not come running back to you, but it does sound to me that she decided to leave you so she could start a relationship with OM who was not available.

 

Heck, even if her relationship does work out (it won't), you are better off moving on. She is using you as a transition, and she is weening herself off you as she snacks on someone else's guy...without any regard to what this will do to your feelings.

 

She hasn't experienced a dose of reality with the OM yet. She won't, either, as long as you're there waiting with open arms. This will be difficult, but you need to let her go in order to let her get the real experience of what OM is like in reality.

 

She's becoming colder toward you, which makes this the perfect time to go NC with her about ANY conversation that doesn't involve kids or business.

 

Do not be her safety net. OM sounds like he's looking for low hanging fruit, poaching a woman coming out of a broken marriage. I'm sure he'll be there for her for days...or until she becomes inconvenient.

[pelicanpreacher]

You've got to understand that she's already bridged her love, loyalty, and now fidelity to another man. She doesn't consider the grief process of losing a relationship with you, save maybe a mild annoyance, because you have simply been replaced in her mind. She is striding into this new relationship with a cold and steely confidence believing that her OM is her soulmate and you were a mistake that she has now corrected. Do not expect her to mourn or regret the loss of your marriage for she's experiencing relief in her newfound freedom and, until some major misfortune occurs in her new reality, she's feeling as if there is no reason to look back. Your only hope is to muscle your way through all the dark stages of grief that will beset you in the coming days head-on with the conviction that you will emerge happy, healthy and whole again.

 

Remember, you cannot move forward effectively if you are always looking back for the road you're traveling will require your entire focus and concentration!

[confusedinkansas]

I wish I had read more of this thread before I went back to my husband.

This is good stuff & good advice. I wish I had done more for myself in the 6 months time I was gone - I think I would have felt more confident. You are definitely not a loser - nor are you pathetic. You're heartbroken......& it is true - Time does heal:)

[LostHusband]

I wish I had read more of this thread before I went back to my husband.

This is good stuff & good advice. I wish I had done more for myself in the 6 months time I was gone - I think I would have felt more confident. You are definitely not a loser - nor are you pathetic. You're heartbroken......& it is true - Time does heal:)

 

I'd like to hear more of your story Confused, what advice here would have helped you? Were you the one who left, or did your husband leave you? I think I've seen your posts, I'll have to go back and read them.

 

 

In another small update, I was feeling really low last night, the wife didn't call me again - and I didn't call her either, which was hard but there is only a 20 minute window to talk to her during her break and I got through it. Later I remembered the tree guy was coming to my house to take out the big tree outside, and I wanted to make sure she knew so she wouldn't stop by when I wasn't here and park outside. (Sometimes she comes by to use my computer, this will have to stop too). So I texted her about it and she just replied, "ok". That was the last I heard from her. I felt kind of sad by the time I went up to bed but I also felt like it was best to just let her go. I was thinking that very thought as I got ready for bed - I don't remember my exact thought but it was something like "I'm done with her" and not 1 second after that thought popped into my head and I lay down, I got a text message from her. She was asking when I was celebrating my dad's birthday - which I had totally forgotten about. So that was weird, don't know why she just wouldn't wait until she talked to me next time I brought the kids by. Instead she texts me at almost 1am, when she should know I would be in bed.

 

Now I need some help here - I am dying to know if her "friend" ever kicked his girlfriend out. That would explain a lot of the way she's acted in the past week. But I think asking her that question would just further show her I'm not moving on and make things worse again. Would there be any point in just asking, "So did that guy you know ever kick his girlfriend out?" How do I keep myself from asking her that??

[Rooster_DAR]

You've got to understand that she's already bridged her love, loyalty, and now fidelity to another man. She doesn't consider the grief process of losing a relationship with you, save maybe a mild annoyance, because you have simply been replaced in her mind. She is striding into this new relationship with a cold and steely confidence believing that her OM is her soulmate and you were a mistake that she has now corrected. Do not expect her to mourn or regret the loss of your marriage for she's experiencing relief in her newfound freedom and, until some major misfortune occurs in her new reality, she's feeling as if there is no reason to look back. Your only hope is to muscle your way through all the dark stages of grief that will beset you in the coming days head-on with the conviction that you will emerge happy, healthy and whole again.

 

Remember, you cannot move forward effectively if you are always looking back for the road you're traveling will require your entire focus and concentration!

 

After reading this post, all I can think of is Debbie Downer!

[TrustInYourself]

Do not contact her. That would be a worthless waste of your time.

[soda]

Now I need some help here - I am dying to know if her "friend" ever kicked his girlfriend out. That would explain a lot of the way she's acted in the past week. But I think asking her that question would just further show her I'm not moving on and make things worse again. Would there be any point in just asking, "So did that guy you know ever kick his girlfriend out?" How do I keep myself from asking her that??

 

Why do you care? This woman is perfectly fine with LEAVING HER HUSBAND AND BREAKING UP HER MARRIAGE and even breaking up another relationship for an unavailable guy.

 

She sounds like a real prize.

 

Seriously, she is only contacting you in strategic increments because she wants to keep as a safety net in case her other relationship does not work out. You're probably also a bargining chip as she tries to get OM to break up with his GF.

 

You don't have to be a doormat. You can make this really simple. Your wife told you that your relationship is over, right? Tell her that you do not want her to contact you for anything that isn't involving CHILDREN or DIVORCE. Tell her that you know that she's ending the marriage for OM, and because of it, she needs to start relying on OM to be her "knight in shining armor."

 

She needs a dose of reality, and so does the OM. Your current strategy of waiting for your W's crumbs is not going to produce anything positive. You will just grow older and more frustrated. In the meantime, you are delaying the opportunity to see how the OM reacts when one of your kids vomits on him.

 

You and your wife have a history. That is difficult to replace. I know this. I've been you. However, you also need to know that your wife is acting like a child, and you're letting her behave badly without consequences.

 

You cannot be "nice" enough to make her see differently. She is an imbecilic affairyland fog. You need to let her see her new boyfriend for the jerk that he is. That is your only hope of saving the marriage.

 

Stop being her safety net.

[soda]

Do not contact her. That would be a worthless waste of your time.

 

Agreed! TIY and I agree...I just used lots more words.

[LostHusband]

Whew, I made it through another night without calling or texting her. That was a close one, almost picked up the phone but then I realized her break was ending in just a few minutes. Don't think I would have called anyway, but it was tough. Thanks for the support everyone! Tomorrow's another day....

[CaliGuy]

Have you read "Love Must Be Tough"(Dobson) yet? Lots of good marital advice there. May save your marriage or at worst, help you move on.

[TrustInYourself]

Whew, I made it through another night without calling or texting her. That was a close one, almost picked up the phone but then I realized her break was ending in just a few minutes. Don't think I would have called anyway, but it was tough. Thanks for the support everyone! Tomorrow's another day....

 

Good the stronger you are, the better off you will be long run.

 

That is unless you enjoy torturing yourself and putting your emotions and self respect through hell.

 

Every day is a battle. The more battles you win, the closer you come to winning the war. Take care buddy.

[pelicanpreacher]

After reading this post, all I can think of is Debbie Downer!

 

This man has been stuck in denial since last October when his wife initially informed him of her intentions to separate. Did he listen? Did he get to the root of the problem? Did he do anything except grease the skids to better facilitate her transistion to a single life? No! He stayed in denial even as she flounced out the door while flaunting a new love relationship openly for all to see.

 

Imagine if someone on this forum would have done him the favor of showing him exactly what his reality was last year so that he'd be much farther along the grieving process than he is right now. Sometimes you have to call a duck a duck to yell duck with enough advance so that no-one gets splattered when you know the sh#t's about to hit the fan! I haven't read his thread from way back when but, from the way he's posting today, he seems genuinely shocked and confused about the fact that she actually left him. If letting him know the brutal truth now so that he avoids any further pain and humilliation is being a "Debbie Downer" then que sera sera!

[confusedinkansas]

Oh - all of you sillies........Debbie Downer - He definitely isn't. This is a very very difficult process.

When 2 people separate - no matter who does the initiating - It is very difficult on both parties.

It's easy to say "Don't have contact" "Show her what's up" "Be tough" "Be da man" ...But not so easy to do when push comes to shove.

I agree with the comments about: Do things for YOU. Sounds like you have kiddos so that might be difficult. But you should at least try. I wish I had tried to do more for myself. I mourned for 2 months (Ok, was a sobbing basket case - even though it was MY idea) Then after those 2 months, my husband started popping in & out of my life saying "Oh I'm telling our friends we're getting back together, let's go to counseling"....SO I did. I never took the time for ME. Once counseling started I just focused on what I needed to do to fix things. (It has ALWAYS been me doing the fixing, even now) I let him inch back in a day at a time. Even though there were days he still treated me like crap.

 

We all do the "Dance" with our loved ones. We know what buttons to push & at what time to push them. Even in a separation. It does sound like she is keeping you at arms length so it will be easy to reel you back in if she needs you. But do you think you might be as guilty of that as she is? You need to just mind your own heart. Listen to your gut (wish I would have listened more to mine) & getting thru one day at a time with no contact (other than about the kids) is a great step. Be proud of that. This is a life changing time that can't be FORGOTTEN in a few days.

[2sure]

Remember, you cannot move forward effectively if you are always looking back for the road you're traveling will require your entire focus and concentration!

 

PelicanPreacher: I LOVE this!!! Who said this originally? If it was you, WOW! I have had this thought for quite sometime but it has never come out as verbally simple as this. I love a good quote.

[LostHusband]

Well I did SORT OF make it through another day. Our daughter's b-day is coming up and we are going to each have a party for her in our own house. I wanted to make sure we didn't get her the same presents and I wanted to talk to her during her lunch break. I texted her to ask if she could call me and she just texted back, "idk". What the hell? She doesn't know if she can call? So I waited about 10 minutes then finally broke down and called her. Of course she was sitting outside with her friend and she just acted polite when I called, but didn't show any emotions, probably because he was sitting there. We just talked about the kids for about 5 minutes, nothing else about us, just the kids and that was it. So even though I broke down and called, at least I kept it short and simple about the kids and arrangements/what presents we were each buying. I felt good that we could still talk and it not be a big drama, but then a bit later I just started thinking about her and him again and just cried and cried. Sucks, but there's nothing I can do...

 

Caliguy - I did go to Amazon to look up that book, "Love Must be Tough", but anytime I think about saving my marriage I just break down and cry because it is one of those things I want so bad, but it just seems so hopeless. How can I save my marriage when my wife doesn't want to talk to me or touch me and she is with someone else? When I start thinking about hope for us I just can't help but do nothing but cry - its one of those things that you just want soooo bad but chances are you can't have it, so you either feel bad thinking about it not happening and at the same time there are tears of joy at the thought of it happening. I don't know - can anyone explain emotions like that when just looking at a book title like "You Can Save Your Marriage!" makes you cry??

[TrustInYourself]

Yeah, I understand and relate to those emotions. I've been there and done that. LoL, it's not exactly fun.

 

You are reaping the rewards of contacting someone who doesn't love you in the same fashion you desire. I told you that was a worthless waste of your time, did I not?

 

You want control? Control your emotions. Change your perspective. You have the advantage if you are willing to be patient and positive. The key is to ignore her interactions with other men. Ignore her attempts to keep you on a leash. Live your life for yourself. Date other women. Go work out. Enjoy your free time.

 

If she wants to be single, show her the consequences of her decision. Show her that you are just going to move on with your life. That includes socializing, traveling, learning, growing. Focus on yourself. Improve and change for the better. Use this crisis to your advantage. Own the situation.

 

Can you handle that?

[LostHusband]

I am certainly trying to handle that. I did look up that book "Love Must be Tough", but it was a little too religious in tone for my tastes (I'm spiritual but not focused on a single religion). There was a recommendation there for "The Divorce Remedy" by Michele Weiner Davis, which looked like it had similar ideas without the Christian overtones, so I got that one instead. Both were very highly recommended, but after reading some excerpts I found myself wanting to read more of Davis' book. I don't know if it will do anything for my marriage, but I'm hoping it will at least help me cope better.

[TrustInYourself]

I've read that book. It will feed your optimism. It will feed your hope. Life doesn't end with a relationship bud. Keep that in mind and keep your head up. If you try and learn and grow from this crap, you'll be okay after it's all said and done.

[PWSX3]

This is a very very difficult process.

When 2 people separate - no matter who does the initiating - It is very difficult on both parties.

I don't understand why it is so hard on the person that leaves because that is what they want. They say most of the time the one that leaves has left the relationship way before they ever leave or separate.

In my situation my stbxw couldn't wait to get away from me or that is what she told me.

I mourned for 2 months (Ok, was a sobbing basket case - even though it was MY idea) Then after those 2 months, my husband started popping in & out of my life saying "Oh I'm telling our friends we're getting back together, let's go to counseling"....SO I did.

So if this was what you wanted why were you a sobbing basket?

 

Like I said the stbxw was so intent to get away that I just can't see why she would cry about me. Now we were married for 26 years & the last time I talked to her she did say; I'll miss aunt (?) and that I could see because she really liked my family in fact she was closer to mine then hers I feel.

 

Sorry just questions that have gone thru my head.

[pelicanpreacher]

Yeah, I understand and relate to those emotions. I've been there and done that. LoL, it's not exactly fun.

 

You are reaping the rewards of contacting someone who doesn't love you in the same fashion you desire. I told you that was a worthless waste of your time, did I not?

 

You want control? Control your emotions. Change your perspective. You have the advantage if you are willing to be patient and positive. The key is to ignore her interactions with other men. Ignore her attempts to keep you on a leash. Live your life for yourself. Date other women. Go work out. Enjoy your free time.

 

If she wants to be single, show her the consequences of her decision. Show her that you are just going to move on with your life. That includes socializing, traveling, learning, growing. Focus on yourself. Improve and change for the better. Use this crisis to your advantage. Own the situation.

 

Can you handle that?

 

Will you please relate this message to "Single Dad"!

 

Thank you.