Having trouble moving on

[TrustInYourself]

I believe he reads my threads occasionally. I gave up on telling him to go on dates. He seems to be unable to talk about anything but his wife with other women, which is kinda creepy. Haha, just messing with you SD. Kinda.

[confusedinkansas]

PWSX3- I left my marriage because I was hoping it would change my husband. You know - SHOCK THERAPY!! Yes, a game - but even in therapy she said "He could be one of those that needs to be 'scared' into thinking you're serious" - Well he changed some & I went back. Now that I'm back - And even in the week I've been home - he is still up to his old tricks.

 

And, why it's hard on the person who left.....You are leaving your comfort zone in life. I was married for 28 years & knew this man for 31. That is a LONG time to know someone & just walk away without ever looking back.

I also believe that my husband checked out of the marriage long before I did - I just took the action he didn't have the guts to. So, you see, it can be quite painful for either party. I don't know how much pain my husband endured after I left. I know he acted out...partied like a rock star....was never home....etc. We all have our individual ways of dealing with things. I just find it hard to believe that when you spend that much time with someone - that even the person that leaves doesn't feel the pain & mourn the loss of a marriage.

Chin Up Little Camper - It really does get easier. If you'd have told me that 6 months ago - I would never believe it - But now I do know it's true.

[SingleDad]

Yeah, I understand and relate to those emotions. I've been there and done that. LoL, it's not exactly fun.

 

You are reaping the rewards of contacting someone who doesn't love you in the same fashion you desire. I told you that was a worthless waste of your time, did I not?

 

You want control? Control your emotions. Change your perspective. You have the advantage if you are willing to be patient and positive. The key is to ignore her interactions with other men. Ignore her attempts to keep you on a leash. Live your life for yourself. Date other women. Go work out. Enjoy your free time.

 

If she wants to be single, show her the consequences of her decision. Show her that you are just going to move on with your life. That includes socializing, traveling, learning, growing. Focus on yourself. Improve and change for the better. Use this crisis to your advantage. Own the situation.

 

Can you handle that?

 

I am trying to do that as well.

 

The news of a BF caught me off guard and I felt like my relationship was falling into an abyss.

 

I do not understand how everyone thinks a person can roboticallly just go out and get a new life and leave the past behind. I do the best I can, but I am only human, with human faults, and human emotions - sometimes I slip and let my heart come out rather than methodical DB or GAL tactics.

[Mr. Lucky]

I do not understand how everyone thinks a person can roboticallly just go out and get a new life and leave the past behind. I do the best I can, but I am only human, with human faults, and human emotions - sometimes I slip and let my heart come out rather than methodical DB or GAL tactics.

But you seem more focused on trying to understand why your stbxW has embarked on her course, an exercise in futility. Many here are gently prodding you to focus on yourself (and your kids) and not be so zoned in on her - her break time, who she's with, what they're doing and why they're doing it. It's tough, but it's the next step for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SingleDad]

But you seem more focused on trying to understand why your stbxW has embarked on her course, an exercise in futility. Many here are gently prodding you to focus on yourself (and your kids) and not be so zoned in on her - her break time, who she's with, what they're doing and why they're doing it. It's tough, but it's the next step for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Actually I have not been curious whatsoever about why she is doing this ( I understand now), who she is with, what she is doing...

 

Admittedly have had a nearly impossible time - actually believing this could be happening and somehow believing that I can pro-actively do something about it...

 

Anytime I do communicate with W about any R talk, I get scolded by posters.

 

I have mostly focused on trying to make myself happy and spending quality time with my daughter. I am most unhappy when I do not have my daughter - and that is something I guess I have to learn to accept as matter of fact that sometimes life throws crap at you and you have to just survive through it.

 

Sorry to steal the thread.

[LostHusband]

I hear where you are coming from SD, this is a very difficult and painful process and I am pretty much where you are.

 

So today I was looking for my library card, so I could go check out some books and movies for the kids at the library, and I still have a bunch of pictures of my wife and son posing in a photo booth all happy and smiling. It almost made me cry just looking at it, I have plenty of picutes of my kids without the wife in them, so I took them out of my wallet. No point in looking at her whenever I open up my wallet. I thought she might want them back so when I went over to pick up the kids, I layed them on the table for her. She just picked them up and rolled her eyes, like she thought I was being silly for not wanting the pictures. It's like she just doesn't understand how hard this is for me. I wanted to say something like "Here you can have these since its you and our son," but I just left them there for her. Then I got the kids in the car and got the hell out of there as fast as I could.

 

I did also pick up that book, "Love Must be Tough" at the library. They had it so I decided to take a look. Have read a couple of chapters and its a very good read and I plan to read the whole thing. Should be done with it just in time to get the other book I ordered. Having hope is tearing me up, so I just look at them as a coping mechanism.

 

Thanks for all the great advice - I'll keep you posted!

[LostHusband]

I'm needing another bit of advice here. As I've mentioned, my wife still comes by to use the computer from time to time. I have told her I'd rather she didn't come to my house when I'm not home. But she comes over on weekends and asks to use the computer for online stuff. I have always let her, but I am feeling uncomfortable with her around. I'd rather just tell her that she can't - but by doing that wouldn't it just show her that I am still not over her? I want to move on and I want her to see that I am moving on, I want her to see me feeling comfortable when I am around her. So should I just let her use the computer and ignore her, and not show any discomfort? Or should I tell her that she is no longer allowed in my house - making my discomfort of being around her obvious? Right now I am thinking of not letting her stop by, but then maybe later when I feel more comfortable with it I will. Does that sound ok?

[soda]

I'm needing another bit of advice here. As I've mentioned, my wife still comes by to use the computer from time to time. I have told her I'd rather she didn't come to my house when I'm not home. But she comes over on weekends and asks to use the computer for online stuff. I have always let her, but I am feeling uncomfortable with her around. I'd rather just tell her that she can't - but by doing that wouldn't it just show her that I am still not over her? I want to move on and I want her to see that I am moving on, I want her to see me feeling comfortable when I am around her. So should I just let her use the computer and ignore her, and not show any discomfort? Or should I tell her that she is no longer allowed in my house - making my discomfort of being around her obvious? Right now I am thinking of not letting her stop by, but then maybe later when I feel more comfortable with it I will. Does that sound ok?

 

Dude, just tell her "no" forever. She left these conveniences behind for some strange poking. You don't owe her anything.

 

Your wife left you for another man. He's not "a friend." Pack anything in the house that's left of hers and send her on her way. The only reason she should EVER come around is drop off or collect kids.

 

My STBW's stuff is getting rained on as I type this. Too bad that she doesn't know that it's sitting in the driveway and she probably won't make it back into town to get it. Sometimes, you gotta be strong and send them back to where they came from...hedes.

[LostHusband]

I appreciate the input, but I'm not at that stage yet of wanting to just give up on marriage completely. It may take a year or more, but I would like to just get past all of this and rekindle what me and my wife had when we first met. (SD and TiY can relate). I ask the question simply to know which would be best to show strength to my wife, and not make myself feel weak at the same time. I think showing strength by not letting her stop by is the best option either way though, whether I want to keep her or get rid of her. It would make myself feel stronger and it would show her that I am stronger - but I just need to figure out a way without it seeming like I am saying "I can't handle being around you."

 

And just a point of information - not that it really matters, and I'm not defending my wife by any means, but she didn't meet this OM until after we were already separated, so she didn't leave me for him. (A friend at work introduced them when they found out she was separated - guess that means single these days). I do believe she left so she could LOOK FOR an OM, so the idea is still the same.

[PWSX3]

And, why it's hard on the person who left.....You are leaving your comfort zone in life. I was married for 28 years & knew this man for 31. That is a LONG time to know someone & just walk away without ever looking back.

my stbxw said; after she moved out a couple weeks ago she felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Doesn't sound like she will have much trouble getting over it. We were married 26 years knew each other for 28.

[pelicanpreacher]

[/b]

 

PelicanPreacher: I LOVE this!!! Who said this originally? If it was you, WOW! I have had this thought for quite sometime but it has never come out as verbally simple as this. I love a good quote.

 

I'm not sure where I heard it but its a life lesson learned the hard way as a child when I turned my head back around just in time to walk into a pole and almost knock my "eyeteeth" out!

[pelicanpreacher]

I appreciate the input, but I'm not at that stage yet of wanting to just give up on marriage completely. It may take a year or more, but I would like to just get past all of this and rekindle what me and my wife had when we first met. (SD and TiY can relate). I ask the question simply to know which would be best to show strength to my wife, and not make myself feel weak at the same time. I think showing strength by not letting her stop by is the best option either way though, whether I want to keep her or get rid of her. It would make myself feel stronger and it would show her that I am stronger - but I just need to figure out a way without it seeming like I am saying "I can't handle being around you."

 

And just a point of information - not that it really matters, and I'm not defending my wife by any means, but she didn't meet this OM until after we were already separated, so she didn't leave me for him. (A friend at work introduced them when they found out she was separated - guess that means single these days). I do believe she left so she could LOOK FOR an OM, so the idea is still the same.

 

What verification do you have of the timeline for this initial meeting? Remember, if you heard it from a friend of hers you should take that info with a grain of salt!

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm needing another bit of advice here. As I've mentioned, my wife still comes by to use the computer from time to time. I have told her I'd rather she didn't come to my house when I'm not home. But she comes over on weekends and asks to use the computer for online stuff. I have always let her, but I am feeling uncomfortable with her around. I'd rather just tell her that she can't - but by doing that wouldn't it just show her that I am still not over her? I want to move on and I want her to see that I am moving on, I want her to see me feeling comfortable when I am around her. So should I just let her use the computer and ignore her, and not show any discomfort? Or should I tell her that she is no longer allowed in my house - making my discomfort of being around her obvious? Right now I am thinking of not letting her stop by, but then maybe later when I feel more comfortable with it I will. Does that sound ok?

I may be in the minority, but I worked hard - bit my tongue, ignored minor provocations, adjusted my schedule, etc. - to have a civil relationship with my exW as we were divorcing simply for the sake of my son. It's easy to yeild to the temptation to escalate your responses based on hers - throw her stuff out on the lawn, bad-mouth her to family members, lock her out of shared financial accounts. But somehow, you're going to have to find a way to partner in raising your kids for the next 10, 15 or 20 years. The sooner you can do that amicably, the better off everyone will be.

 

So, if it were me, I'd let her use the computer. Go to another room and read a book, go outside and work in your garden. It's not that big of a deal and making it a hassle only sets you up for more aggravation down the road. Just my opinion ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LostHusband]

Thanks Mr. Lucky - that sounds reasonable. I do see the kids are happy when we are both together, which is nice for them. At this point I think things are a little too emotional so I still might politely ask her not to be at my house, but I don't know - I guess I'll just have to see how I feel. I'm not even sure if she would even try to come by again for awhile, so it may be a moot point.

[LostHusband]

my stbxw said; after she moved out a couple weeks ago she felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Doesn't sound like she will have much trouble getting over it. We were married 26 years knew each other for 28.

 

 

I've read* that when someone feels trapped in a marriage, and they finally leave, they get those same euphoric feelings of feeling free, of feeling "like a weight had been lifted off [their] shoulders". But those feelings of relief often fade after a few months and are replaced by feelings of fear and pain.

 

*(To give credit the above was paraphrased from a letter in The Divorce Remedy, by Michele Weiner Davis.)

[TrustInYourself]

Why come to your house to use the computer when she could just as easily do so from the library? from work? etc?

 

Its a way for her to test her affect on your emotions and her control over you and your lack of control over yourself, the latter being more important in my opinion.

 

Personally, I would let her use the computer and smile every time she came over. Thats an oppurtunity to prove how you are being positive, moving on, living your life, being happy.

 

Another possibility is the fact that she wants to gauge changes in your life and keep tabs on you. To me that is exactly the oppurtunity I would want if I was trying to work on it.

[LostHusband]

I am pretty devastated. She was over - I let her use the computer while I gave the kids a bath. After she left I went back online, she had added OM on to the top of her friend list and moved me down to 5th. She had a little survey bulletin posted about how she was in a new relationship. I talked to her later and asked about it, I guess I needed to know to get some closure so I wouldn't be constantly thinking about it pacing around the house. They are going to start seeing each other officially. He is breaking it off with his girlfriend this weekend and they are going to start dating. As if that wasn't hard enough to hear, she also said she is ready to contact a lawyer so we can get started on the divorce. Oh and she said that I should not have any hope that she will come back because she never will. But she did say we could still be friends - LOL!

 

So I got my closure, it truly is time to move on, hope it gets easier from here on out. I'm not sure I should even bother to keep reading the books I got, but I guess they still do help a bit to understand the situation. Well that's my story...

 

Time for another chapter in my life. Wonder whats next??

[PWSX3]

Yesterday I started Divorce Care classes at a local church & one of the 4 people helping out was setting with us guys & he said; I was hoping that we would get back together & he would try & be as nice as he could. If she wanted something he would give it to her, figured it might help her decide to come back. He said that was the biggest mistake trying to be the nice guy because she walked all over him.

 

They only have one rule in these meetings & that is no dating. They even suggest you don't date outside of the meetings until you are finished with the 13-week program.

 

They say that you aren't spending the energy you need to when you are in a relationship, so just like your w she isn't putting the energy into your relationship she is putting that into another one that to her is more important.

 

I haven't read all of your story but if she is seeing another person & you are still married that is cheating. How long do you think that relationship will last if she is cheating with a cheater?

 

It's time to focus on yourself just as I need to do. Yes it is hard to believe the marriage you thought would last forever is over but it is.

[pelicanpreacher]

I am pretty devastated. She was over - I let her use the computer while I gave the kids a bath. After she left I went back online, she had added OM on to the top of her friend list and moved me down to 5th. She had a little survey bulletin posted about how she was in a new relationship. I talked to her later and asked about it, I guess I needed to know to get some closure so I wouldn't be constantly thinking about it pacing around the house. They are going to start seeing each other officially. He is breaking it off with his girlfriend this weekend and they are going to start dating. As if that wasn't hard enough to hear, she also said she is ready to contact a lawyer so we can get started on the divorce. Oh and she said that I should not have any hope that she will come back because she never will. But she did say we could still be friends - LOL!

 

So I got my closure, it truly is time to move on, hope it gets easier from here on out. I'm not sure I should even bother to keep reading the books I got, but I guess they still do help a bit to understand the situation. Well that's my story...

 

Time for another chapter in my life. Wonder whats next??

 

WOW! She came over, used your computer, and posted to the world that you are officially now her cuckold? This woman is rubbing this affair in your face now to be malicious so you need to take a hard stance with allowing her access to your home and life. She has made her choice and you should now consider her a non-entity. Yes, she is the mother of your children but she does not deserve your respect on that point for her betrayal extends to them as well. Its no different than a parent who abuses their SO for that abuse is felt by and negatively impacts everyone in the household.

 

BTW, you need to tell her to remove your name from her friends list for she is no longer welcome in your life and you want no further part in hers. Her only communication is to be regarding the children and you should prefer it be delivered by a third party.

 

That spells closure on your terms!

[TrustInYourself]

Agreed, if she's coming over to **** with your mind you should tell her **** off.

 

Lock her out of your life. Kick her ass out of the picture totally. Dust yourself off and smile because you got rid of a wicked bitch.

[Mr. Lucky]

Her only communication is to be regarding the children and you should prefer it be delivered by a third party.

Is that really the way you want to raise your kids?

 

Unfortunately Lost Husband, her message has been pretty consistent since this started. She's gone, having found someone else. Her conduct in regards to you and your marriage is morally and ethically wrong. It's unfair but so is life. If you really accept the she's moving on (do you?), then the only question for you is "What now?".

 

This is no longer about you as a couple but now about you as a person and a Father. You have some practical decisions to make and that, along with your kids, should be your focus. Any time or emotion spent on anger, bitterness, revenge or hatred will be wasted. Keep posting and I wish you well...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LostHusband]

Thanks again Mr. Lucky. I'm doing all that I can to just focus on myself and my kids. I'm not a bitter person, never have been - so I'm not too worried about that. I'm crying a LOT more lately, and I really do feel lost. I pace around my house, shaking, crying - it is pretty bad! At least the kids aren't here - I hold it in pretty well when they are around, but that just makes it feel worse when I have to hold it in. I think this will make me a better person and a much better father, even though I was already a great one. It hurts but I have to stop focusing on hoping for her to come back and just focus on myself feeling better! Although part of me really wants her new relationship to fail, though I know I should just ignore it. Guess it really does get worse before it gets better!

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm crying a LOT more lately, and I really do feel lost. I pace around my house, shaking, crying - it is pretty bad! At least the kids aren't here - I hold it in pretty well when they are around, but that just makes it feel worse when I have to hold it in. I think this will make me a better person and a much better father, even though I was already a great one. It hurts but I have to stop focusing on hoping for her to come back and just focus on myself feeling better! Although part of me really wants her new relationship to fail, though I know I should just ignore it. Guess it really does get worse before it gets better!

Been there and done that . After the initial shock, I didn't cry much but I did drink an awful lot of tequila (not a coping mechanism that I recommend, by the way ). Again, separation and divorce are a process. If it was an Olympic event, it would be a lot closer to the Marathon than the 100 meter dash. I guess it's both good and bad news that you're just at the first step...

 

Mr. Lucky

[pelicanpreacher]

Is that really the way you want to raise your kids?

 

Unfortunately Lost Husband, her message has been pretty consistent since this started. She's gone, having found someone else. Her conduct in regards to you and your marriage is morally and ethically wrong. It's unfair but so is life. If you really accept the she's moving on (do you?), then the only question for you is "What now?".

 

This is no longer about you as a couple but now about you as a person and a Father. You have some practical decisions to make and that, along with your kids, should be your focus. Any time or emotion spent on anger, bitterness, revenge or hatred will be wasted. Keep posting and I wish you well...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

For the time being... Yes, Yes, and a resounding Yes!

 

LH, the entire source of your pain lies with your WAW and her OM! Right now their perception of you is a "Mamby Pamby, Limp Wrist Flailing, Kiss My Boo Boo Saying, Crybaby Wimp! Your stbx will soon introduce your children to her new relationship (if she hasn't already) and influence their opinion of you likewise. It is natural for all wild animals to become reclusive in order to buy time for healing when injured for the sake of survival so why can't you understand that basic precept? Her actions thus far borders on emotional abuse and as long as you're willing to keep sticking your face out to plead your case then happily accept a good swift kick to your mouth for she doesn't want you, knows she has the upper hand, knows there's nothing you can do about it, and doesn't want to hear it. The only way to survive this situation is to minimize the impact of the source of your pain by ostracizing and eliminating access to your being by the tormentor in your life. Maybe it doesn't matter to you whether she respects you or not but I guarantee it matters to her for your passive "woe is me" behavior assures she'll never gain a shred of respect for you now or ever!

[NewSunrise]

LH---

 

The Pity Party is over!!! Time for Reality.

 

As a BS, I'm surprised and dismayed that you have allowed your cheating W to step all over you and your kids. She has no respect, loyalty, empathy or love for anyone.

 

What state do you live in? If you live in a "fault" state, infidelity is viewed as a crime. Don't erase anything on your computer just yet. If you live in a no fault state, everything will be 50-50.

 

Time to switch gear and divert your energy to protecting your finances and security from her including the kids best interest. Remove her name from your credit card accounts and withdraw half of all of your joint savings account just in case she goes off on a shopping spree for her OM. She hasn't treated you fairly or with an ounce of respect. She certainly won't start now. Expect it will get even worse.

 

Reality for the OM will kick in too. He won't be lala land for long. He's got your kids to think of. You know...the "whole package" deal. Keep the reality in their face.

 

Start talking to friends for referrals on D lawyers. Hey, maybe someone here on LS may know some great attorney in your town. So, if you want some help, blurt out your town.

 

It will get easier. Try to do as much of the paperwork yourself for the discovery phase to cut legal costs. If she files for D, countersue for her to reimburse you portion of legal fees.

 

If you are able to maintain civil communication with her and don't have a lot of assets, and both can come to an agreement with custody/visitation of kids plus child support, look into using a paralegal. They have staff attorneys to help and guide you.

 

Remember, you can't "hope" for anyone to love you. They either do or they don't.

 

Good luck.