Having trouble moving on

[LostHusband]

Tonight once again I was toughing out the time when she used to call me each and every night (when she's working) - for the last 7 years, she always has called me from work during her supper break. But she hasn't done that for the last week - and I have stopped calling her. But I still just have this hope she will call, I know it is stupid and weak, but I was getting through and I had no intention of calling her, but I still feel awful just wishing and hoping she will call. Suddenly the phone rings - caller ID says it is her! My heart filled with hope! She said hello, what are the kids doing? I said they were playing in the living room what are you doing? She's sitting outside with her BF, she asks to talk to the kids so I put them on. They talked a bit I got back on the phone "Ok bye" she said. OMG how horrible that felt! I would have rather not heard from her at all! I didn't want her to think she could just keep doing that so I text her "I would prefer you not call me when u are with your boyfriend." She texted me back "If I want to call to talk to the kids I can, I wasn't calling u." So I told her that it is not easy for me right now and I just wanted her to understand that it hurts. I don't know if I should have just let it go or not, I really wanted her to know that I didn't want her calling me when he is there, even if its just to talk to the kids. She never did text me back, damn why does this hurt so much? I want to do the NC thing but I had to let her know not to call me right??

[pelicanpreacher]

While you allow her to dictate the terms of your interactions then be prepared to keep getting your teeth kicked in. I take it that she has abandoned the marital home in favor of this new relationship. Have you sought legal advice on obtaining child support and garnishment of her wages? Without imposing this financial constraint you have tacitly endorsed her affair by absorbing her financial responsibility to her children! As far as calling times, why don't you demand that she provide the children, at her expense, with a cell phone so that you can immediately leave the room when it goes off. Again, by minimizing your communication and exposure to her you take away her ability to affect your mental well being. Right now you are in a grieving fog so you have a tendency to cling to activities and routines enjoyed with your WAW that brought you comfort in your past relationship.

 

To survive the many phases of your grieving process that are sure to come you must make her a non-entity in your life by removing all vestiges that would remind you of her being from your home and your life just as if she has physically died. If she needs to speak to you face to face on any matter other than the children then you are to meet her on your turf at the front porch with your arms folded over your chest, allow her to speak her peace, and close the conversation with a polite and firm "If that's all I'm busy now so I'll see you around"! Immediately return to the residence and close and lock the door without attempting to engage her further with a curt coldness a la Michael Corleone. Anytime she resorts to snide remarks, takes on a complaining tone about you, or exhibits abusive behavior do not engage her. Instead, bite your tongue, interrupt and inform her that if she cannot or will not stay on point and maintain a civil conversation then you're busy and have better things to do with your time and immediately leave. When it comes to issues she disagrees with about raising the children, again, let her speak her peace and politely inform her you will take her advice under consideration, tell her "see ya", turn on your heel and walk in the other direction. NEVER engage her on any matters outside of the children while dropping them off at her residence for now she has the advantage of home court!

 

Your wife is full of venom right now and is only too eager to strike at the slightest provocation so, until she agrees to get counselling or gets milked by a herpatologist, it isn't worth your effort to bargain or reason with her.

 

When you've moved far enough into the indifference phase of grief and can see her with eyes unblurred by pain or longing then you may begin relaxing your rigorous stance to better assess who and what your wife is now. By this time your disciplined assertiveness should have had the effect of subduing her inclinations to act in an abusive manner and encourage her to be more cautious and congenial when interacting with you which might give the both of you an opportunity to connect again.

 

The less time you spend wallowing in your misery and the more time you dedicate to achieving your healing the faster you will arrive at a point where your future won't appear so scary or bleak without her. If she returns to you at this point then you'll be in a position to determine what you want and what your terms for reconcilliation will be from a position of strength instead of a "mamby pamby" position of weakness guaranteed to insure the demise of your self-esteem or diminished fullfilment of a fully actualized adult!

[SingleDad]

Lost Husband - That is exactly how I feel... nothing you can do about it, but move on... I keep makin ght mistake over and over again to have my W see what she is doing.... She is blinded by her BF. Whoever my W was.. The devil has taken over and she cannot be reasoned with... Every word I say is twisted to her convenience.

 

Any civil straight talk is taken by her as harassment. Our wives are in fantasy land and there is nothing anyone can do about it.

 

Listen to pelican preacher - He gives good advice... advice that is hard to follow, but if you can you will be better off.

[TrustInYourself]

While you allow her to dictate the terms of your interactions then be prepared to keep getting your teeth kicked in. I take it that she has abandoned the marital home in favor of this new relationship. Have you sought legal advice on obtaining child support and garnishment of her wages? Without imposing this financial constraint you have tacitly endorsed her affair by absorbing her financial responsibility to her children! As far as calling times, why don't you demand that she provide the children, at her expense, with a cell phone so that you can immediately leave the room when it goes off. Again, by minimizing your communication and exposure to her you take away her ability to affect your mental well being. Right now you are in a grieving fog so you have a tendency to cling to activities and routines enjoyed with your WAW that brought you comfort in your past relationship.

 

To survive the many phases of your grieving process that are sure to come you must make her a non-entity in your life by removing all vestiges that would remind you of her being from your home and your life just as if she has physically died. If she needs to speak to you face to face on any matter other than the children then you are to meet her on your turf at the front porch with your arms folded over your chest, allow her to speak her peace, and close the conversation with a polite and firm "If that's all I'm busy now so I'll see you around"! Immediately return to the residence and close and lock the door without attempting to engage her further with a curt coldness a la Michael Corleone. Anytime she resorts to snide remarks, takes on a complaining tone about you, or exhibits abusive behavior do not engage her. Instead, bite your tongue, interrupt and inform her that if she cannot or will not stay on point and maintain a civil conversation then you're busy and have better things to do with your time and immediately leave. When it comes to issues she disagrees with about raising the children, again, let her speak her peace and politely inform her you will take her advice under consideration, tell her "see ya", turn on your heel and walk in the other direction. NEVER engage her on any matters outside of the children while dropping them off at her residence for now she has the advantage of home court!

 

Your wife is full of venom right now and is only too eager to strike at the slightest provocation so, until she agrees to get counselling or gets milked by a herpatologist, it isn't worth your effort to bargain or reason with her.

 

When you've moved far enough into the indifference phase of grief and can see her with eyes unblurred by pain or longing then you may begin relaxing your rigorous stance to better assess who and what your wife is now. By this time your disciplined assertiveness should have had the effect of subduing her inclinations to act in an abusive manner and encourage her to be more cautious and congenial when interacting with you which might give the both of you an opportunity to connect again.

 

The less time you spend wallowing in your misery and the more time you dedicate to achieving your healing the faster you will arrive at a point where your future won't appear so scary or bleak without her. If she returns to you at this point then you'll be in a position to determine what you want and what your terms for reconcilliation will be from a position of strength instead of a "mamby pamby" position of weakness guaranteed to insure the demise of your self-esteem or diminished fullfilment of a fully actualized adult!

 

Nice post. Funny as well.

[LostHusband]

I took two steps backward I think today. I don't even want to talk about it. Well ok I will - I came by the house and she was here. I wasn't expecting that. I told her she shouldn't be coming over any more. My stomach started hurting, I couldn't bear to be around her. I settled myself down some and then felt that I would be ok with her there - but then I just started wanting to hold her, so I hugged her - and I started to cry! Ugh! Well it was heartwrenching to be sure, she was obviously not comfortable so she left. I can't let her get ahold of my emotions like that. I started to feel paranoid that she must think I am acting crazy, but really all I did was hold my wife and feel sad. Later I called to ask about the dates for our daughter's birthday party since we are each having a seperate one, and everything seemed ok again, we just had a normal talk, so that was a bit of a relief.

 

Right now it has finally hit me REAL hard that our marriage is done (wow and it only took 10 months for me to realize that!), I kept holding onto that hope and it has pretty much all but left me and all I feel right now is nothing. I should be bawling my eyes out but it feels like I am so emotionally drained right now, I can barely force myself to cry. I just walk around my empty house and I can't get motivated to do anything. Maybe this is what I have to go through? Is just feeling completely numb part of the letting go process? It's 8:30pm and it feels like 3:30am - I have the whole night ahead of me and I can do nothing but sit here dumbfounded. Rock bottom perhaps?? Help!

[LostHusband]

Well that feeling did pass, and I feel more at ease now. More stuff happened but I'm feeling too relaxed now to explain so no need to say more. Acceptance is starting to sink in and I know I'll be ok.

[Mr. Lucky]

Well that feeling did pass, and I feel more at ease now. More stuff happened but I'm feeling too relaxed now to explain so no need to say more. Acceptance is starting to sink in and I know I'll be ok.

I'm glad you're feeling better. When I was in your situation I joined every sports league I could think of. Played a lot of tennis and softball just for something to do as it helped me avoid those long stretches you described where it's nothing but you and the walls. The exercise helps you sleep better too. Something to think about...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LostHusband]

I'm getting plenty of exercise just pacing back and forth around my house! At least I'm not just crying, I've been just listening and singing along to some good music and smoking waaaay too many cigarettes.

[SingleDad]

I took two steps backward I think today. I don't even want to talk about it. Well ok I will - I came by the house and she was here. I wasn't expecting that. I told her she shouldn't be coming over any more. My stomach started hurting, I couldn't bear to be around her. I settled myself down some and then felt that I would be ok with her there - but then I just started wanting to hold her, so I hugged her - and I started to cry! Ugh! Well it was heartwrenching to be sure, she was obviously not comfortable so she left. I can't let her get ahold of my emotions like that. I started to feel paranoid that she must think I am acting crazy, but really all I did was hold my wife and feel sad. Later I called to ask about the dates for our daughter's birthday party since we are each having a seperate one, and everything seemed ok again, we just had a normal talk, so that was a bit of a relief.

 

Right now it has finally hit me REAL hard that our marriage is done (wow and it only took 10 months for me to realize that!), I kept holding onto that hope and it has pretty much all but left me and all I feel right now is nothing. I should be bawling my eyes out but it feels like I am so emotionally drained right now, I can barely force myself to cry. I just walk around my empty house and I can't get motivated to do anything. Maybe this is what I have to go through? Is just feeling completely numb part of the letting go process? It's 8:30pm and it feels like 3:30am - I have the whole night ahead of me and I can do nothing but sit here dumbfounded. Rock bottom perhaps?? Help!

 

It is a long hard process of realizing the life that you had - you can't have anymore because of the decision that your W made - and there is nothing you can do about it.

 

You just have to learn how to move on - - It is incredibly difficult... I wish i could give more advice - But you know that we are in nearly identical situations and timing. Just start to think of what you used to enjoy doing by yourself and start doing them again... keep yourself busy so you can keep your mind off of things.

[ilmw]

You've got to understand that she's already bridged her love, loyalty, and now fidelity to another man. She doesn't consider the grief process of losing a relationship with you, save maybe a mild annoyance, because you have simply been replaced in her mind. She is striding into this new relationship with a cold and steely confidence believing that her OM is her soulmate and you were a mistake that she has now corrected. Do not expect her to mourn or regret the loss of your marriage for she's experiencing relief in her newfound freedom and, until some major misfortune occurs in her new reality, she's feeling as if there is no reason to look back. Your only hope is to muscle your way through all the dark stages of grief that will beset you in the coming days head-on with the conviction that you will emerge happy, healthy and whole again.

 

Remember, you cannot move forward effectively if you are always looking back for the road you're traveling will require your entire focus and concentration!

 

Damn this was a good response!

[ilmw]

Moving on is a state of mind.

 

You can not rush it... it will just happen. It was not that long ago.... I had not.... now I have... something just changes. It seems like it will never come... (moving on)

 

For so long you languish.... wondering why... what did I do... what could have been done different.... If I do this....will they want me back... (funny how people who get left think like this)

 

Over time you will numb.... to this. In the meantime... follow the advise you have already been given... do stuff for you... get out with friends.. and have a laugh... enjoy yourself... (fake it till you make it) if you have to.

 

Take charge of your life.... and make it better.

 

As I mentioned..... through time.... you will move on.... (trust me) I truly thought I would feel the way I did for eternity.... well thank god... I was wrong.

 

Something I was told a long time ago on here..... Time is your friend. Time heals....all wounds... (I'm sure you have heard that one before)

 

This may sound imposible to believe right now... Looking back over what I have written.... I would have thought the same thing.... a year or so ago.

 

But here I am.... I am not seeing anyone... so She has not been replaced...

 

I JUST MOVED ON.

 

I am at peace.

 

You will to some day.... just be patient... and have confidence in yourself.. that you WILL get through this.

 

ilmw

[LostHusband]

Thank you ILMW, this truly moved me.

 

 

....keep moving on....

[LostHusband]

"Sensed but unheard

As the curtain softly stirs

It is not just a memory

But it lives and breathes

Watching over you whilst you sleep

Kneeling beside you when you weep

 

Hey, don’t be afraid

Don’t try to run away

Because pain can be your friend

As it explains

 

The answers to your questions

Consoles you in blue reflections

Listens to your soul’s confessions

Then leads you in new directions

 

So open your heart again

And feel the walls dissolve

Something’s whispering to you

It’s time to let go

Because the only thing that stays the same

is that everything must change

Everything must change

 

Hey, embrace your pain

You cannot run away

And pain can be your friend

As it explains

 

The answers to your questions

Consoles you in blue reflections

Listens to your soul’s confessions

Then leads you in new directions

 

And all the while that you were waiting

For love to keep the light from waning

It’s pain that stops the heart from hating

That cures the mind of hesitating

That helps the soul in separating

From everything that it’s been blaming

Everything’s changing"

 

-the the Phantom Walls

[LostHusband]

I've been doing well with the LC, I have only talked to her once in the morning when I bring our daughter over to her, and then later when I tell her when I will be picking up the kids. She doesn't call me at all anymore, not during her breaks or anything - it is still hard to get use to that after hearing from her every night she works for 7 years. I was hoping things would get better and we could become more friendly - but today she called me and was very upset because she talked to a lawyer and he told her she would have to pay me child support. Well that's just not my fault. I talked to her later and told her I don't want us to be angry with each other and she agreed, and she said she wasn't upset at me, just at what the lawyer told her.

 

I wanted to take the kids out to dinner later and told her that, and she says, "Well I"M not coming." She's often gone out for dinner with us as a family, even after our separation, so that bothered me - though I did not ask her to come in the first place. Later when i picked up the kids she was making a spaghetti dinner and I knew she was taking dinner to her "friend" at work. This hurt like hell - she hardly EVER bothered to cook anything for me, maybe only when we first dated. So that really sucked some emotional energy out of me - I acted fine about it though, I just said "You're bringing him dinner?" and rolled my eyes at her. It wasn't until after I left that it really hit me. I should be moving on and letting go of her by now, so why does this stuff bother me sooo much? I can't even figure out what is going on with them two, they've never actually gone on a date, she just sees him at work. I think he's still working things out with his ex? But I don't know and I should not care! So why can't I get her out of my head????

[Mr. Lucky]

I think he's still working things out with his ex? But I don't know and I should not care! So why can't I get her out of my head????

At some point, you'll stop looking at things from her perspective and start seeing them from yours. All the mentioned points - "She'll have to pay child support", "She doesn't call me anymore", "She doesn't go out to dinner with us", "She's making dinner for him", "She only sees him at work" - are issues of her life, not yours. Your issues are your children, your transition and your eventual happiness. This focus on whether they've been out on a date yet only delays you from moving ahead and addressing the things that affect you. How about you - have you been out on a date yet ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[LostHusband]

Thought I would post again since its been so long since I have last said anything. My last post was Sept. 19th - at that point things were VERY rough, the whole month of September was a nightmare (I kept thinking of that Greenday song "Wake Me up When September Ends"). Well September came and went, and her relationship with her friend at work never blossomed into anything, which I took comfort in. So October was pretty unexciting, kind of depressing, I wasn't crying alot, but I wasn't happy. We were calling each other at pretty much the same rate, a few times a week. She even called me from work a couple of times just to talk.

 

Now its November, and this month is starting to go like September was, though my emotional turmoil is nowhere near as bad as it was, but it certainly hasn't gotten much better. She found another "friend" who she has started seeing. I went over to pick up the kids a couple of weeks ago and she was on the phone with him planning a date with him. I didn't say much about it, but it did hurt. Nothing I can do though, we aren't together anymore she always says if I try to say anything about it. She was going out with him again this weekend and when I found out I just kind of left quickly after dropping off the kids - but she could see the look on my face that I was upset. Right after I leave she sends me a text telling me I need to move on, etc. I didn't reply. The next day she calls me 4 times for stupid stuff, like she wants me to look up some song lyrics for her, and she asks if I can burn a CD for her. I did none of that stuff, I just told her I was busy and got off the phone.

 

This is hard, the feeling of letting her go does not give me any relief, it makes me feel worse. It feels like whenever I start to let go I start to miss her even more, and I have to keep myself from letting her go completely.

 

Well her mom is sick with cancer and is on hospice and now lives with her, so I see my STBXW less and less, I usually just end up seeing her mom when I take the kids over and pick them up, so I think that is helping a little. I use to dread going over there and having to see her all the time, now I don't have to, but part of me still misses it.

 

So there's my update 5 months into my separation, not much to say really - but thought I would share since I always thought so much would change in 5 months, but really it hasn't. Its not as bad as it was a couple of months ago, but I'm still waiting for that happy "its over!" feeling to wash over me.

[LostHusband]

Now I remember why I stopped posting here....

[confused71]

LH, gotta give you some reality. If you wanted to get her back, you have gone about it exactly opposite of how you should have. You have been her doormat. Can't you see that when you show this weakness she only sees it as pathetic and sees you as less of a man?

 

My god, you are bringing all this on yourself. When you left those pic at her place, and then tried to make yourself believe it was because you thought she might want them, that was PATHETIC. Obviously you wanted her to see the pictures hoping it would make her want her family back again and she would see how happy she used to be. You actually are lying to yourself to make yourself not feel totally pathetic.

 

My god, don't you see that if you would have not answered your phone a few times at night that she might have thought you were with someone else, and that might have actually bothered her?

 

Then, when she was at your place you start crying and hugging her? Can't you see how pathetic she thought that was, how weak and low that was? You think she wants a man like that? her boyfriend doesn't cry like that and she apperently loves him.

 

Then, you asked whether you should let her in your apartment to use the computer, and you said that if you didn't that it would appear you couldn't handle things with her around? Come on, what a pathetic way to convince yourself to do the weak thing. Tell me, she doesn't want you staying with her at night in her bed, doesn't that show that she can't handle things when you are around her which means she loves you too much? See how pathetic? No, telling her you don't want her in your house says to her that you don't give a damn whether she uses a computer or not and that you don't want her in your home because YOU DON"T LIKE HER BEING THERE. That's what it say to her, and anything other than that is pathetic weakness that she thinks is pathetic and weak. Your wife doesn't want you in her bed because SHE DOESN'T NEED YOU THERE and that doesn't really mean that she loves you so much that she can't handle you being around. that doesn't show her weakness my friend just like it wouldn't show yours if you told her you don't want her in your damn place.

 

You have only yourself to blame now, you are doing EXACTLY OPPOSITE than what you should be doing if you want to appear strong to her and as a man. By acting like a strong man you make yourself feel better and stronger to move on without her, and you also have a better chance of her respecting you.

 

Now, How about NOT ANSWERING the damn phone next time she calls, and the next time after that, and the next time after that. When she asked you why you didn't answer those times, say you were out with friends, or A FRIEND.

 

Do you want us to just substantiate and advise you to keep up with this weakness? OK, do this. Go over to her house, fall on the floor crying, grab her legs and start shaking uncontrollably. Show her what a weak man you are, maybe you can make her feel guilty and force her back. While your shaking and crying she can call her boyfriend so they can both laugh at you while you are holding her legs and refusing to let go.

 

Can't you see that weakness is the most disgusting thing you can possibly do in front of her. Answering the phone every time you see her number and getting punched in the mouth is YOUR FAULT.

 

Heck, lets go even more. Tell her if she lets you live with her, you will sleep on the floor and she and her MAN can sleep in your old bed. You will take care of the house while they have sex in the other room. Promise her you won't knock on the door if you hear the bed squeaking. If you are going to be weak and pathetic, why not go all the way? What's the point in not going full out.

 

Think about these things and stop basing your entire existence on another human being. Time to build a foundation for your new life on your own ground. You gave her the power to pull the rug out from under your life, and power is there to be used. Get off the past and start that new foundation NOW. Surely you can see that the longer you let her make you wallow in your torn up foundation, the longer it is that it will take for you start building your new foundation. My god man, this is another human being, stop acting like she validates your existence. VALIDATE YOUR OWN EXISTENCE!!

 

You actually go in to her house, then whine when you hear her making a date with another man? That's on you. What the hell are you doing in her house when she doesn't respect you or want you? She can get the kids ready and send them out, or bring them to the door. Why would you be discusing ANYTHING other than the kids with her?

 

Why would you be talking to her during the week from work? SHE DOESN'T want you, hasn't she told you this over and over. The time to be a man and take control of yourself has long passed. The more you are weak and pathetic like this the more the pain will last. This must be what you want then, the pain to last as long as possible, because you are doing exactly those things that will keep you in pain as long as possible, stunt the growth of your new life, and in the end only make her see you as completely pathetic and you still wind up in the same situation but with a lot less self esteem and pride and a lot less manly in her eyes.

 

So, if that's what you want, here's some more actions you can take. If she says you can be her house boy while her and her MAN live there with you, agree to cook him some ham and eggs in the morning. A real man in that bedroom taking your wife to orgasms needs a good breakfast in the morning. Then, when he leaves for work, make sure and ask him if he has any orders for you to do during the day. Then, after he leaves, crawl on the floor and cry and beg her some more. This way, you could shame her in to coming back to you because she feels guilty that you are so weak. Won't that be a great marriage for the rest of your life. You kept your wife by being so weak and pathetic that she just had to stay with you. What a great foundation for your life going forward, don't you agree?

 

Time to grow up and be a man and move forward in to your new life. Build a new foundaton, and see that b$cth as she really is, a cold, hard manipulator that is abusing you mentally and you are allowing it. Tell her that you will only talk about the kids or divorce. Answer your phone only half the time when it's her, or even less. Don't tell her why you didn't unless she asks, and then don't give out any real info. Tell her you were busy or out with a friend and that's it. Don't call her at work, don't call her AT ALL unless you absolutely have to for the kids, and when you do, only talk about the kids, NOTHING ELSE. DON'T STEP FOOT IN HER HOUSE, NOT ONE DAMN FOOT. Don't let her step ONE FOOT IN YOUR HOUSE. TELL HER YOU DON'T WANT HER THERE BECAUSE you may have other friends there and don't want someone interfering in your life like that.

 

Or, you could follow the other advice I gave, you know, abut crying and falling to the floor. What a great foundation that would be for a marriage, eh?

 

You know what? Hard as this may sound .I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that everything you just said here is absolutley right in my case.

[SingleDad]

Now I remember why I stopped posting here....

 

Lost Husband - We are on the same path.... Our wives have moved on in their lives and left us stranded in the middle of the ocean without a life raft - or barely.

 

 

We have no choice but to move on. I continue to be so angry at my wife's choices to move on and live with another man. I come home to an empty house 1/2 time and the other 1/2 a dedicated SingleDad.

 

None if this is my choice. For so long I chose to try to save the marriage. Everything I did just pushed her away and reinforced her decision. Then spouts of clinging and anger when I found out she was sleeping with someone else while my daughter was in the next room. Self-damaging thoughts of them together... thoughts of her replacing me as "Daddy" to our little girl

 

I am looking to start dating. Posted at Match.com... I do not even want to date - but I am tired of feeling lonely... Tired of seeing W has moved on and I'm standing still wailing away wondering what happened to my life.

 

If my marriage can't be saved then I need to start looking forward to a new life.

 

Divorcebusting.com is a friendlier forum - they are better at helping you start taking steps forward with your life - without the 2x4 across your face.

 

We both do.

 

Good luck Lost Husband

[cyabye]

I appreciate the input, but I'm not at that stage yet of wanting to just give up on marriage completely. It may take a year or more, but I would like to just get past all of this and rekindle what me and my wife had when we first met. (SD and TiY can relate). I ask the question simply to know which would be best to show strength to my wife, and not make myself feel weak at the same time. I think showing strength by not letting her stop by is the best option either way though, whether I want to keep her or get rid of her. It would make myself feel stronger and it would show her that I am stronger - but I just need to figure out a way without it seeming like I am saying "I can't handle being around you."

 

And just a point of information - not that it really matters, and I'm not defending my wife by any means, but she didn't meet this OM until after we were already separated, so she didn't leave me for him. (A friend at work introduced them when they found out she was separated - guess that means single these days). I do believe she left so she could LOOK FOR an OM, so the idea is still the same.

 

LH,

 

You do NOT have the option right now about giving up on your marriage. She did it for you. Anything else is living in denial. The fact that she is with another man shows she has NO "feelings" toward you whatsoever. Please accept this for face value. I have been in your shoes multiple times.

 

Though noble to hang in there, you are providing a security blanket for her and she knows this. You are also stalling the grief process of the loss of your marriage by having false hope. You may not want this to happen, however this is the reality of the situation at this time and you have to live in reality.

 

For your own health, you need to have the mindset of being there for yourself. You need to protect and secure yourself from her as much as possible. She is not the woman you once loved. Have you even thought about how you would feel if she did come back? You'll wonder why she came back. Did the OM reject her in some way? Are you the better option of the two? etc. Do you want to be second choice? Do you want to be with your wife after she gave herself to another man fully? All those things you liked her doing to you, she is doing to him and loving every minute of it.

 

Dig deep. Keep some of that pride and dignity. Do NOT, I repeat do NOT let her use your computer. That is such a slap in your face and just another sign of complete disrespect. Now is the time for you to worry about your kids and yourself only. No more joint b-day parties, family outings, family get togethers. You will have to go through the pain. When you are feeling low and want to cry....CRY. It is the body's natural way of grieving and clearing your emotions. You will get to a point where you are sick of crying and eventually won't.

 

Realize this. I know and understand what you are going through. I can honestly tell you that after some time (once you make a choice to move forward)you will feel much better about being w/o her. Right know you are afraid to lose the familiar lifestyle you once had with the wife. But it's already gone my friend. False hope is hoping for something that does NOT exist and you need to relaize this. She is no longer your wife. She is the OM's #2 girlfriend. You know what? She prefers this to you.

 

Curbside her and do what you need to make yourself healthy. Being stuck like you are is NOT. Feel ya man. Good luck.

 

Cyabye!

 

P.S. I agree 100% with Guitarjeff. He is shooting from the hip. I sense from your posting this is something you need because you are having a hard time moving forward in a healthy manner.

[skinman]

Moving on is a state of mind.

 

You can not rush it... it will just happen. It was not that long ago.... I had not.... now I have... something just changes. It seems like it will never come... (moving on)

 

For so long you languish.... wondering why... what did I do... what could have been done different.... If I do this....will they want me back... (funny how people who get left think like this)

 

Over time you will numb.... to this. In the meantime... follow the advise you have already been given... do stuff for you... get out with friends.. and have a laugh... enjoy yourself... (fake it till you make it) if you have to.

 

Take charge of your life.... and make it better.

 

As I mentioned..... through time.... you will move on.... (trust me) I truly thought I would feel the way I did for eternity.... well thank god... I was wrong.

 

Something I was told a long time ago on here..... Time is your friend. Time heals....all wounds... (I'm sure you have heard that one before)

 

This may sound imposible to believe right now... Looking back over what I have written.... I would have thought the same thing.... a year or so ago.

 

But here I am.... I am not seeing anyone... so She has not been replaced...

 

I JUST MOVED ON.

 

I am at peace.

 

You will to some day.... just be patient... and have confidence in yourself.. that you WILL get through this.

 

ilmw

 

 

ilmw,

 

I must say you give great advice my friend......... written so well.. I now need to listen to yours and few other on here and get on living for me.

thanks for the inspiration......

[TrustInYourself]

I got a 2x4 waiting. Post something LH. Post.

[LostHusband]

Hi hi I'm still here. I appreciate the posts and input, though some hit harder than others. I've decided that all I can really do is move on. The very idea of it is rather painful, I'm so use to just clinging to that hope which has flown too far away for me to reach anymore. I still answer the phone when she calls, I'm just too curious not to. Have to know why she's calling else it will eat away at me. I just can't help but to open a box that says "Do Not Open!" She did text me last night while I was getting ready for bed asking me again if I burned that CD for her and I never replied. So that's a start for me. It was funny I was bitching about her at work to a coworker and a friend about how she wants me to burn this CD for her and I wont do it, and about a minute after that coversation she texts me the same thing "have you started working on my CD yet?" and we all had a good laugh...

[TrustInYourself]

Hi hi I'm still here. I appreciate the posts and input, though some hit harder than others. I've decided that all I can really do is move on. The very idea of it is rather painful, I'm so use to just clinging to that hope which has flown too far away for me to reach anymore. I still answer the phone when she calls, I'm just too curious not to. Have to know why she's calling else it will eat away at me. I just can't help but to open a box that says "Do Not Open!" She did text me last night while I was getting ready for bed asking me again if I burned that CD for her and I never replied. So that's a start for me. It was funny I was bitching about her at work to a coworker and a friend about how she wants me to burn this CD for her and I wont do it, and about a minute after that coversation she texts me the same thing "have you started working on my CD yet?" and we all had a good laugh...

 

LH, it's the little steps that count the most. I'm glad you can still laugh. Could you make me a cd big guy?!

[LostHusband]

Thanks Guitarjeff - that post actually helped a lot. I'm feeling pretty down tonight, on top of everything I am sick with some kind of flu bug and my wife (STBXW) is out with her new friend. She kept asking about that CD so I finally told her I wouldn't do it, then later I text her why, "I haven't done your CD because I am trying to move on and being your friend and doing stuff for you is not helping me." So I basically told her I didn't want to be her friend anymore. She never did text me back after that. I don't know if it was the right thing to do, I'm full of emotions right now - like I can't go back and be friends with her and talk to her anymore and that hurts like hell. It hurts worse now than when I was still trying to be friends with her, but maybe this time I will finally start to feel better? She's probably mad that I'm not making her CD but I wonder if she even cares that I won't be there for her anymore (if I can keep this up that is...)