pelicanpreacher Posted November 22, 2008 Share Posted November 22, 2008 Actually, LH, by establishing a limited contact no-friendship rule you've forced yourself to leave the familiar shores of angst and turmoil to discover your healing lands. You must maintain strength in your conviction to push forward on this journey so that even if you hear her siren song call beckoning you back you will not be swayed in your commitment. At this point you need to seek counseling or advice from the board on what to expect in the grieving process for the loss of this relationship so that you are'nt necessarily prolonging your grief with vacillations in your commitment to heal yourself. Once done...SHE'S DONE! Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 Nice post guitarjeff. Hope you had a good gig, I have a couple next week. LH everything he posted is spot on. As time goes by the pain eases and then goes away. Later on you'll be feeling fine but every once in a while you'll have an unexpected flood of grief. Each one gets smaller and smaller. Link to post Share on other sites
confused71 Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 yeah I gotta give it to guitar jeff.I wish I had had his strength the minute I found out about the wife was cheating.Like an idiot I have been falling for the 'we will still be friends' routine.Which basically means I still do all the husband type things for her and get pain and humiliation in return.I really need to start the NC thing but I still live in the house (moving out 1st december though.) I get the feeling I wont be missed at all though which makes me sad.Her claiming to want to be friends is just a way of making herself feel less guilty about destroying my life. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 You know LH, I think it would do you a world of good to get your ear buds on and listen to this so that you can make this your new mantra: AFTER YOU'VE HAD A CHANCE TO REFLECT COME BACK AND TELL US ALL ABOUT YOUR NEW REVELATION! Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted November 25, 2008 Share Posted November 25, 2008 Her claiming to want to be friends is just a way of making herself feel less guilty about destroying my life. I know how that feels but part of what guitarjeff posted is getting away from that victim mentality and giving her too much power over your life. She didn't destroy your life and can't unless you let what happened destroy it. It's change and change can be painful, you feel like you have no control but that's not true. We can't control others actions, we can't control events. The only thing we have control over is our own actions and reactions. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted November 25, 2008 Share Posted November 25, 2008 YES YEs Yes!! Awesome posts! Its so true... take control of your own life. Regain your own "power".... free your self from the crud that is keeping you down. It's a lot about mental attitude.... Not being a victim. ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted November 25, 2008 Share Posted November 25, 2008 Nice post, Jeff. Very accurate and informative. WEee! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostHusband Posted December 25, 2008 Author Share Posted December 25, 2008 It's been a long while since I have posted an update, so I figure X-mas is a good time for it. I've been moving on pretty well, I'm still sad and I still miss my STBXW from time to time but its gotten much better. I have found that things just sort of have a way of working themselves out if you just step back and stop trying to change things that can't be changed. A lot has happened - I now have a lawyer and we are working through the divorce. I have been doing all the work pretty much, my STBX had contacted a lawyer initially, but that guy was a jackass and he didn't even do divorces, so I suggested a lawyer and we saw him. He was really cool and since he could only represent one of us he was going to represent me. Me and the ex have things pretty well worked out with the kids and everything - the lawyer was very impressed with the paperwork I had written up ahead of time. The STBXW had her X-mas bonus from work so she paid the retainer and I will pay her back half (already have most of it). That is all pretty much done, just have to wait 90 days for it to finalize. In the meanwhile, an old friend (female) had gotten ahold of me on Myspace a couple of weeks ago. We've always just been friends but we have flirted with the idea of hooking up, it just never happened. She moved, she came back, I was dating, I got married, she got pregnant and was with someone, etc.... But now we are both single and have been talking/texting A LOT and have been out to dinner together and she wants to go to a movie with me. So that is very cool - I don't know if its heading anywhere, but it is fun just liking someone else again. I spent X-mas eve with my kids at my parents house. My STBXW and I each had a present to give to each other from us and our kids, so she came over for a bit and we exchanged gifts. It was pretty pleasant, she seemed like she wanted to hang out but she had to get back home because her mom is there and she doesn't like to be left alone for long (cancer patient). I was playing with my kids and their new toys and later I checked and saw I had two messages. Now I was hoping they were from my friend I had been talking to, but they were from my STBXW - she said "I'm sorry for everything I put you through the last year we were together. I know it was wrong to text other men but I never cheated physically. Now I am getting paid back for what I did to you." I didn't reply. So there it is, my X-mas update...cheers. If anyone has any thing to say about that text she sent me I'm all ears. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkOrchid Posted December 25, 2008 Share Posted December 25, 2008 Congrats LH - you have come a long way in the last year. Merry Christmas! Link to post Share on other sites
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