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Is there any excuse for cheating?

eh18

By eh18,
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

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verve

verve

Posted
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Not ALL men or women cheat, its not hardwired into us, its a case of nurture over nature I believe.

 

I personally believe and have seen from the work in the psychology field I sometimes work with, that pretty much all of the time people cheat due to an emotional insecurity or immaturity. This usually stems from a broken family model, such as where one parent cheats, there is a single parent bringing up the child/children, there are instances in the childs life where they are hurt, ignored, bullied or see cheating and come to believe it is the norm or at least an acceptable model of behaviour.

 

Cheating is done for validation, to make the individual feel wanted and needed. Or because their model of relationships is skewed and they are acting selfishly or just don't have enough emotional intelligence to understand that what they're doing is wrong and betraying the trust of their partner.

 

I don't believe people 'just cheat', this selfish behaviour can usually be traced and attributed if you dug into the cheaters life in enough detail.

 

I'm certainly not excusing cheats, more offering an explanation as to the logic behind the act and I do feel anybody who has been cheated on is better off without that person in their life.

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grogster

grogster

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As someone who had a long ended affair with a married woman, I can attest that there's no justification for cheating in 99% of marriages. I can envision extreme examples, a long comatose spouse or coercion, where justification arguably exists.

 

In their way, both marriage and infidelity are overrated. Often, both unions lead to disappointment, sadness and separation. Both represent the triumph of hope over experience.

 

There's no pot of gold at the end of any "relationship" rainbow. That's why I now prefer my own ragged company.

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Walk

Walk

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Wow, no wonder you walked!! It sounds to me like your cheating was a technicality. You weren't with him at the time?? I feel like during a separation before the divorce is such a grey area. I don't really consider that to be 'cheating'.

 

I wasn't as, uh... innocent as that. I wasn't strong enough at the time to stand up for myself, so I snuck around behind my exH back while living with him. Not that it was hard to do since the a-hole never gave me a passing notice unless he wanted money or sex. But, no.. I was cheating and we weren't officially seperated at the time.

 

Even though I had a really bad relationship, I still do not feel that is justification for involving a 3rd party (cheating). What I did really hurt the guy I cheated on my exh with. Not that he loved me, but his friends ostricized him and my exH (who used to be his friend) was furious with him. And it caused a great deal of pain for my exH. As much of an a-hole as he was, no one deserves to be hurt like that. I should've been the better person, stuck to my guns on leaving, and done everything possible to make that occur....

 

Not to mention the guilt I dealt with for several years for hurting people I had cared about. I had also wanted to believe I was a better person than that. All I had wanted at the time was to be happy for a moment. I sold my honor for a few minutes of happiness. I felt ashamed of that.

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Walk

Walk

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In their way, both marriage and infidelity are overrated. Often, both unions lead to disappointment, sadness and separation. Both represent the triumph of hope over experience.

 

Well said. I completely agree.

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verve

verve

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Well said. I completely agree.

 

That just seems very bitter and cynical to me. I defiantley don't agree. It sounds like the sort of thing somebody who's been cheated on multiple times or have lots of bad relationships might say.

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Shygirl15

Shygirl15

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But don't you agree that the right thing to do would have been to leave him first??

 

True, Porter. But as human beings, we don't always do the right things.

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Walk

Walk

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both marriage and infidelity are overrated. Often, both unions lead to disappointment, sadness and separation. Both represent the triumph of hope over experience.

 

That just seems very bitter and cynical to me. I defiantley don't agree. It sounds like the sort of thing somebody who's been cheated on multiple times or have lots of bad relationships might say.

 

Maybe I interpret it differently then what was meant. But I don't feel I'm being bitter and cycnical.

 

I see many people get into relationships who "hope" it'll last forever, but neither party has the skills to make it happen. I've seen people engage in affairs in the hope that it will bring about something that will make them happy... and I've seen it crush those people.

 

Same way that I'm "hoping" my new job will be great... experience says that it won't be all I "hope" it'll be. It's not cynicism.. I think people are too idealistic. I realize there's a difference between what I want to occur, and what will actually occur. I attempt to anticipate and act on those differences before it becomes a big issue.

 

We're fed so many big dreams about what marriage should be. We hope it'll be as we imagine it should be... but marriage (or life) doesn't work like that.

 

I think it's about unrealistic expectations, believing you'll be one of those very few (out of all marriages) who has that fabulous marriage that lasts for 60+ years. I think it's counting on hope, rather then experience, to create the belief that it will happen.

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Spectre

Spectre

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I believe most people are forced to cheat because of a number of issue/problems with their partners/relationship.

 

I personally was once forced into cheating when my ex-HB was not responding to my sexual needs. I tried and tried and tried to have conversations with him and express how I feel about our sex life, but it all fell on deaf ears. I became very sexually frustrated, therefore cheated.

 

Do I regret? No. Did I confess? No.

 

Lesson learned: it's always important to keep communication lines clear in your relationship, and try to respond to your partner's needs.

 

BWAHAHAH, I love love looove when people brainwash themselves with utterly stupid sh*t. Love it.

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nopainnogain

nopainnogain

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BWAHAHAH, I love love looove when people brainwash themselves with utterly stupid sh*t. Love it.

 

 

I agree. That was a pretty twisted way of thinking.

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bish

bish

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Is there any excuse for cheating? Well........yes! We're guys. We see a hot girl and we want to have sex with her. It's that simple. no matter how commited to our relationships we are, it doesnt change the fact that it doesnt take much to turn us on and the vast majority of us would, if we could and suffer guilt-less after effects, have sex with every woman that walked the planet. Being faithful is something that has been imposed on us by higher powers; i.e. the church, govenment and many other bastians of purity. But that's not how we are; not on a genetic level.

Sex is sex, it doesnt mean anything without love. And if you love your girl but want to have sex with other women, I say go for it. I mean its not like it's just gonna go away is it? As a guy, I know, once the ideas in there, it doesnt shift.

So basically you've got two options:

 

  • Dont cheat and spend the rest of your relationship dreaming about other girls; checking them out on the streets or from your car or wherever. you'll feel better in yourself for being faithful to your loved one.

  • Do cheat. you love your girl to pieces, you'll do anything for her, she's your world and you wanna build a life together. You've introduced her to your parents. She's a real stable girlfriend, the sort of down-to-earth girl we always settle down with. But................one sexual parter for the rest of our lives? We're not designed that way. JUST MAKE SURE SHE DOESN'T FIND OUT!!!!! Sex is sex. It's meaningless without love, so just have meaningless sex and go home to the woman you love. Hope i helped anyone

 

I hope, for some poor woman's sake, you never get married.

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bish

bish

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How could someone not cheat when faced with this situation.

 

Uh easy, you leave the relationship if it is that bad.

 

All cheating does is lower yourself to a despicable level.

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xxxicklexxx

xxxicklexxx

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I cheated

 

Big time. Im still beating myself about it. It was the biggest mistake off my life. I gave into the pressure. And i hurt the person i love which ripped me apart.Wer still together but its when the topic comes up he gets angry and i just start bawling. Just the thought of it makes me break down.

 

There is no excuse for what i did. Cheating is cheating no matter what state your relationship is in.

 

But there was a reason for my actions, not an excuse though.

I was intending on breaking up with him either way.i never intended to even tell him.When i saw his face i had to though. Then we broke up and i became histericall. i have never felt so upset before.i wanted another chance so desperatly.

 

For anyone else out there. is it possible to work through a relationship after a cheat??

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XNemesisX

XNemesisX

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I cheated in several relationships and I attribute it mostly to selfish immaturity at that time. I didn't have any reason or excuse at all for cheating that took place in my first serious relationship, other than I was 18/19 and just entered college. I think I wasn't ready for that serious of a relationship. I told the person but he insisted on staying with me and I don't think it really mattered what horrible things I did to him he still would have wanted to be with me. This only led me to respect him less and less. Eventually I was the one to end it even though he knew I was continuing to cheat on him.

 

In the second one, I did have reasons. I wouldn't say it was completely justifiable, but to me it was (at the time). He was cheating on me, and I didn't have the guts to break up with him. I still loved him, unfortunately, and in my mind I could "even the score" by doing the same to him. We ended up both doing a lot of damage to each other because of revenge-inspired cheating done by both of us.

 

In my last serious relationship, I never cheated. Not once. In my current one, I have not and will not. I do not believe that once a cheater, always a cheater although the stereotype is true in probably most cases. I think I have matured a lot since my first two relationships and also have lost the desire to seek attention from others while in a relationship. I do think that when one cheats, there is something dysfunctional going on in that relationship that could be the fault of one or both persons.

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reservoirdog1

reservoirdog1

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About the only excuse I can think of is where the cheater is already getting the crap beaten out of them on a regular basis by their partner.

 

A marriage or life partnership is about a bunch of things. One of them is a commitment to look out for each other, and protect each other. If, for instance, a woman's husband beats her, and she's too afraid (or, in that sad sick strange way, loves him too much) to leave him, she can't depend on him for emotional safety or security. I wouldn't blame her in that situation for finding comfort in the arms of another man.

 

Otherwise... I think cheating is wrong. If you're that unhappy in the relationship, you end it and THEN find somebody else.

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grogster

grogster

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Maybe I interpret it differently then what was meant. But I don't feel I'm being bitter and cycnical.

 

I see many people get into relationships who "hope" it'll last forever, but neither party has the skills to make it happen. I've seen people engage in affairs in the hope that it will bring about something that will make them happy... and I've seen it crush those people.

 

Same way that I'm "hoping" my new job will be great... experience says that it won't be all I "hope" it'll be. It's not cynicism.. I think people are too idealistic. I realize there's a difference between what I want to occur, and what will actually occur. I attempt to anticipate and act on those differences before it becomes a big issue.

 

We're fed so many big dreams about what marriage should be. We hope it'll be as we imagine it should be... but marriage (or life) doesn't work like that.

 

I think it's about unrealistic expectations, believing you'll be one of those very few (out of all marriages) who has that fabulous marriage that lasts for 60+ years. I think it's counting on hope, rather then experience, to create the belief that it will happen.

 

That's what I meant to say, Walk.

 

You just said it better. ;)

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Lizzie60

Lizzie60

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I spent most of the day today with a work colleague.. I invited him at my place for a drink .. then we went out for dinner.. then he came back at my house for another drink.. nothing happened.. we're just good friends.

 

We talked about 'cheating' .. he said he never cheated on his wife.. he's been married over 25 years. He is certain he will never divorce his W.. but he thinks that cheating just for sex one time, or a very short A, is nothing. He said it's only 'normal' that men would want sex with other women if he doesn't get much at home..

 

Typical MM..

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