CAT100 Posted September 19, 2008 Share Posted September 19, 2008 I saw my counselor yesterday. I had been seeing a counselor off and on for over a year in an effort to find out why I was unhappy in marriage. I told the counselor everything that had happened in the affair. It felt so good to talk to someone candidly about the events that have happened. I realize I was paying to talk to him; however, the relief I felt afterwards was worth the cost. I needed to know how xMM could say and act in the manner he did. I had saved the text messages xMM sent me over the past month and read them out loud to the counselor then deleted them as each was read. The counselor, based on my story, stated that xMM exhibited signs of an antisocial and narcissistic personality disorders. I googled those disorders on the web today and each description fits xMM to a "t". I wish there was some way that his photo could be placed next to each description. I am better now than I was earlier this week. I am trying to move forward and put this nightmare behind me. I have also learned valuable lessons from the nightmare. I do admit that the affair changed me - but, I'm trying to let those changes be good changes. I dont know if you read my thread but I can really identify with the need to know why and how could XMM say/do things without truly meaning them. But now I am at a point where it doesnt matter what the reason was, I dont care what mental disorder he has, it still doesnt change what he did to me. He was still in control & aware of what he was doing! My XMM has been described as both a 'narcissist' and 'sociopath' and I when I googled these terms I was shocked at how well they fit him. It sounds like you are doing well, I know it is so so tough (I was with XMM for 6 years) but you have to look on the positive side- you've had a lucky escape; you are not tied to him by marriage/mortgage/kids so now you can just look after yourself & be glad to be free of him! (((((hugs))))) Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 19, 2008 Share Posted September 19, 2008 W kept saying that MM is sick. She knows very well what she was dealing with. THAT is what she was trying to tell you. You should keep her in your prayers. That might help you to heal also. MM's W repeated over and over how disappointed and hurt her sons would be if she were to separate from MM If she is living with a N then you can bet she is in the frame of mind after years of protecting her kids from his hurt. I don't know how old they are but at about 10 or so they are able to realize the craziness that is going on the the N. Things don't add up to them. I imagine quite possibly that she doesn't want him having visitation with out her there to monitor him and intervene. He was still in control & aware of what he was doing! Cat, That, honey, is the difference in a sociopath and a psychopath. The sociopath KNOWS right from wrong, that is how the are so convincing and deceiving, they just have NO capacity for empathy, nor will they ever. You can try to convince them that they were wrong for the rest of your life, but you are beating a dead horse I'm afraid. Link to post Share on other sites
NewSunrise Posted September 20, 2008 Share Posted September 20, 2008 SH---hang in there. People have different approaches and ways in handling the same conflicts desiring the same end results. Just remember to approach each one in a manner that you would want someone to approach you with. Easy to be reactionary when emotions are high. Before you decide to do anything from here on, like sending an email, click "send later", leave the computer, take a walk and mull over it over night. Ask youself what are the probable scenarios/consequences that could arise from such decision/action. As long as you continue to grow away from this MM, you will find there will be no need for you to do impulsive things. Often, it's impulsive decisions that cause more damage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Spinning Head Posted October 22, 2008 Author Share Posted October 22, 2008 UPDATE - 10/22/08 Posting my thoughts and feelings on this site and receiving feedback helped me so much through what I refer to the 'nightmare' of my life! Other than a few fairly hateful e-mails, I had not had any contact with xMM until yesterday. We spoke about events that had transpired since our relationship ended. His kids found out about xMM's illegitimate child, one son admitted to a porn addiction that resulted in $6,500.00 worth of porn purchases over a three month period, his business is struggling, xMM had sent nude photos of himself to a man (??) which were sent to xMM's business clients, one son hacked into xMM's e-mail account and discovered correspondence between xMM and other women, etc. I was dumbfounded by what he told me. XMM admitted to lying to me about things he stated to me during the relationship. I have had time to digest what xMM stated to me. It is as if his life is a house of cards that has toppled around him. For whatever reason, he and his wife are still together. I find it amazing that they give the appearance of being the happy American family but behind the curtain is a group of screwed up dysfunctional people. It was interesting when xMM stated that I placed too much pressure on him to end his marriage. I told him that I never placed pressure on him and recited statements that I made to him that resulted in him not leaving his wife. Amazing how xMM twisted those facts to make it appear that I backed him into a corner and placed too much pressure on him. My last statement to xMM over the phone, before the conversation yesterday, was that he had created the situation. At this point, I am very grateful that the relationship ended when it did and that the only one adversely affected by it on my side of fence is myself. I learned valuable lessons from my 'nightmare'. Thank you again for everyone's support throughout this ordeal. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 Wow SH! That was a lot to take in! Why do you think he came to the table with all of that? I'm glad you're finally out of this mess and able to move on and through it! For whatever reason, he and his wife are still together Is she the one who told you he was sick?? If I have the right poster, I think she's known this for a long time. Glad you got y ourself out of that nightmare! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 UPDATE - 10/22/08 At this point, I am very grateful that the relationship ended when it did and that the only one adversely affected by it on my side of fence is myself. I learned valuable lessons from my 'nightmare'. Thank you again for everyone's support throughout this ordeal. Glad to hear that you avoided this entire nightmare!!! One suggestion...make it clear to him that he's NOT to call back again...otherwise he's likely to try to restart the affair with you under the guise of 'supporting him' or some such nonsense. Link to post Share on other sites
All Star Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 MM did not contact me at all on Monday, which was odd as we have had daily contact for several months. MM did not call Tuesday morning. I called MM and got no answer or return call back. I texted him and got a response "We need to talk". I am very very hurt, angry, stunned - every emotion that one can imagine as I am absolutely amazed that another human being would treat someone the way MM treated his W and me. I do realize that whatever emotion I am feeling, W is feeling it one hundred times moreso than me. What about the way you all treated wife? It takes a problem character to cheat on a spouse (not you). What's the surprise? Link to post Share on other sites
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