Taken for a ride . . .

[herenow]

That's what all the BS want to believe.

 

On his knees... He had already had serious plans about dumping her for good.

 

That marriage is not stable, that marriage is crap, and the wife is putting up with anything as long as she can keep him.

 

Well, all a BS has to do to see if it's true is send their cheating spouse packing. Very easy way to test the theory.

 

IMO, the BW has accepted the situation and this marriage will last as long as the both want it. And from what the OP has said, that is until they grow old together.

[herenow]

Most of the time, when the guys are having an affair, they won't touch the wife.

 

That's what all the OW want to believe.

[Spinning Head]

I have no reason to believe W lied to me as she had no advanced notice of my telephone call to her. And, if she did lie to me, does it make a difference? The end result is the same - my relationship with MM is over.

 

I would like to call MM and ask him questions so I can have closure. But, I would not believe anything he told me. I have also thought about calling W back and asking her questions as well. But, I doubt I will. Actually, what I really would like to do is to meet W face to face to get answers to my questions - that way I could read her better. Again, the R with MM is over so I guess there really is no point in calling or meeting anyone.

 

I wish people would really know who MM is. MM is not the person everyone thinks. MM's W made the comment that MM wants everyone to think he is such a great person. But, MM has this other life and his W has done a great job of hiding it from their kids and everyone else (i.e. the illegitimate child). I wish his other life would be exposed so people could see who MM really is.

[Owl]

Again, you're expending energy on something that isn't going to HELP you...on the contrary...thinking about MM...even thinking about him getting his "come uppance"...just keeps him in your mind longer.

 

Find ways to AVOID those thoughts...the best revenge is to let him run into you six months or a year from now...with you happy, looking good, with some movie star hero on your arm!

[OpenBook]

Spinning, you are the most rational one on this thread!!...

 

I have no reason to believe W lied to me as she had no advanced notice of my telephone call to her. And, if she did lie to me, does it make a difference? The end result is the same - my relationship with MM is over.

 

I would like to call MM and ask him questions so I can have closure. But, I would not believe anything he told me. I have also thought about calling W back and asking her questions as well. But, I doubt I will. Actually, what I really would like to do is to meet W face to face to get answers to my questions - that way I could read her better. Again, the R with MM is over so I guess there really is no point in calling or meeting anyone.

 

I wish people would really know who MM is. MM is not the person everyone thinks. MM's W made the comment that MM wants everyone to think he is such a great person. But, MM has this other life and his W has done a great job of hiding it from their kids and everyone else (i.e. the illegitimate child). I wish his other life would be exposed so people could see who MM really is.

 

Yes, wouldn't that feel good. Unfortunately that usually isn't how life works. But don't worry, he will definitely "get his" in the end. Not your problem anymore (thank God!!).

 

I am extremely glad to see you are opening your eyes to reality, as harsh and glaring as it is. It takes a lot of intestinal fortitude to reach through the pain, anguish and confusion that I know you are feeling right now. My hat's off to you, Spinning. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other through that darkness. The sun will come back out for you eventually - it always does. You can take that to the bank. Breathe in, breathe out, and just keep on going. You'll get there.

[2sure]

Most of the time, when the guys are having an affair, they won't touch the wife.

 

This is actually funny. Most guys having an affair like the idea of cake eating - its the both that they enjoy. In fact , under any list of "Is your husband having an affair" is Does he want more sex from you than usual?

Recently, my husband and I realized that the more sex we have...the more it is on our mind...so we have more.

 

Many OW on here say the MM isnt having sex at home.

Just as many BS say they cant understand it because they have sex often.

It bothers people on both sides of an A that the sex in the marriage often improves during the A.

 

So, some yes. Most? No.

[Spinning Head]

Posting my thoughts/feelings on this site has been a great help in dealing with my thoughts and feelings. I greatly appreciate everyone's support on this site. It is amazing what a few words of encouragement and support from others on this site can do for me! I have cried only one time so far today!!

 

I try to stay busy but when I get back to my office, my mind wanders back to MM. I got an e-mail from the reservations center that MM cancelled the trip we had planned - further confirmation that the R is over. I did tell him to take his W on the trip . . . guess MM chose not to do that.

 

I'll be glad when I get to the point when I don't think about him.

[manugeorge]

Don't worry, one day at a time. Allow yourself to go through the motions with assurance that this too shall pass, it's only a matter of time. The intensity of your thoughts of and affection for him will fade gradually. No one is able to maintain that for very long.

[Spinning Head]

I made it through another day. At least I haven't cried this morning. I don't know why the mornings are so difficult for me. I'm sure the fact that we spoke every morning for several weeks has something to do with it.

 

At times, I have an overwhelming sense of loneliness and fear of being alone. I don't know why I'm having these feelings.

 

I really hate the fact that I confided so much into MM. I felt that MM was my best friend and, stupid me, I told him so. That is probably another reason why I'm struggling with the end of the A - in addition to losing someone I loved, I have also lost someone I considered my best friend. Of course, friends don't treat friends the way in which MM treated me.

[Spinning Head]

Now that I think about it, I think MM used my thoughts and feelings toward him when MM spoke to his W. During our telephone conversation, W made the comment that MM was her best friend. I bet MM told her the same thing - hell, MM responded to my statement that I was his best friend. I bet MM told W that she was his best friend during that Sunday afternoon drive when MM told W he wanted to grow old with her.

[Owl]

Again...why are you spending time and energy sitting there wondering about what MM and his wife discussed on that Sunday drive???

 

REFOCUS your thoughts...deliberately 'change the subject' in your mind when you start to go there...and start filling the time that you would ordinarily sit there and think about this stuff with something else...working out, new hobby, old hobby...SOMETHING.

[Lucky_One]

Now that I think about it, I think MM used my thoughts and feelings toward him when MM spoke to his W. During our telephone conversation, W made the comment that MM was her best friend. I bet MM told her the same thing - hell, MM responded to my statement that I was his best friend. I bet MM told W that she was his best friend during that Sunday afternoon drive when MM told W he wanted to grow old with her.

 

Well, I doubt that he told his BS that she was his best friend bc you told MM that he was yours. I don't know a couple who doesn't say that. I said it to my XMM and he said it to me.

 

You might want to try the rubber band trick when you get obsessing over what he and she talk about and what they might be doing. Put a tight rubber band on your wrist,and when your thoughts wander to a "bad place" then snap it HARD.

[Spinning Head]

I did a stupid thing yesterday by sending an e-mail to MM asking him to give me closure on this matter by explaining to me why he created the situation he created. Guess what? No response.

 

I realize I was a willing participant in the A; however, I cannot believe the web of lies. And, I cannot believe I allowed myself to get suckered by this man.

 

I don't understand how MM claim to love me then do a complete 180 and act like I don't exist. Obviously, in reality, MM is doing me a favor by not contacting me (at least that is how I should look at it). It is such a blow to my self-esteem.

 

I'm wrestling with the fact that I was used - how do I accept that fact and move on? That is the struggle I now have.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I did a stupid thing yesterday by sending an e-mail to MM asking him to give me closure on this matter by explaining to me why he created the situation he created. Guess what? No response.

 

I realize I was a willing participant in the A; however, I cannot believe the web of lies. And, I cannot believe I allowed myself to get suckered by this man.

 

I don't understand how MM claim to love me then do a complete 180 and act like I don't exist. Obviously, in reality, MM is doing me a favor by not contacting me (at least that is how I should look at it). It is such a blow to my self-esteem.

 

I'm wrestling with the fact that I was used - how do I accept that fact and move on? That is the struggle I now have.

 

 

Oh dear...not a wise move to have emailed him but I think you know that! What more can he tell you? Even if he DOES ever give you closure how can you ever believe anything he tells you based on his behaviour?!?!

 

He has created a complete mess & has only ever fed you total bulls***. It really is shocking. DO NOT CONTACT HIM AGAIN.

 

I know its a terrible situation for you to be in & you must have loads of questions about why he did this. Do not keep giving yourself a hard time for falling for his web of lies & the fact that he may have used you.

 

He has proved himself to be a total loser & compulsive liar - I hope that makes it easier for you to move on from.

 

Delete his numbers & email address.

 

Hope you find peace soon.

[troubadour]

Xxxheartbrokenxxx...

 

why do you thing that MM has proved himself to be TOTAL LOSER. I am aware of a moral aspect of this situation but he is not a loser. After all he enjoyed a lot of "spinning heads" from Spinning Head for almost a year but when the situation got a bit complicated he returned to his wife and things are like they have never been before. Lets look at things as they really were. Spinning Head knew that she was getting involved with a married man. She is an adult and she takes responsibility for her actions. I have no reason to be a jerk toward her as I am not one of these husbands with bleeding hearts, but I don't want to be a bigot. She decided to "dance into the fire"... and here she is. MM is not a loser... don't you think so.

[jj33]

Spinning you are exactly right. You are lucky he is not contacting you and lucky he is out of your life. It may take time to accept the extent to which you have been lied to and web of lies that permeates his life.

 

But in time you will and you will forgive yourself for getting involved in it. That is the trick. Forgiving yourself. Nothing he can say will give you closure. One question leads to another and another - especially in a situation as twisted as this one.

 

Its not easy but if you can just let yourself off the hook and hang up any hope that this has all been a mistake and that he will give you a rational explanation for what happened... then you will be able to move on. Its that nagging hope that there is a magic wand that can be waved that will make sense of it all. There isnt in a situation like this. You got involved in the wrong situation with the wrong person. If you could have forseen the future you certainly wouldnt have chosen that door. It has been a nightmare but the nightmare is over.

 

Just thank your lucky stars its over. You will find someone so much better for you that you wont look back. Its just a matter of time.

[bentnotbroken]

I did a stupid thing yesterday by sending an e-mail to MM asking him to give me closure on this matter by explaining to me why he created the situation he createdGuess what? No response.

 

I realize I was a willing participant in the A; however, I cannot believe the web of lies. And, I cannot believe I allowed myself to get suckered by this man.

 

I don't understand how MM claim to love me then do a complete 180 and act like I don't exist. Obviously, in reality, MM is doing me a favor by not contacting me (at least that is how I should look at it). It is such a blow to my self-esteem.

 

I'm wrestling with the fact that I was used - how do I accept that fact and move on? That is the struggle I now have.

 

 

 

I guess I am curious as to why you feel the need to have an explanation. You were/are well aware of the role that you were placed in. You decided to play that role without any regard for the consequences of your actions. Of course I am sure you are hurting, but you aren't the only one. You and he created this situation, his wife did not, and I'm sure she is hurting looking for some explanations herself.

 

You are right. You allowed yourself to be placed here. Any thought of his family might have made a difference in where you are now and where you could have been. The MM lied to his wife and did a 180. He lied to here in a way that only a H could. He said vows to her and made promises to her also. He pretended she didn't exist when he was with you. And I am sure her self esteem is damaged because you helped him to do it.

 

It is time for you to stop feeling sorry for yourself and move on. Leave him alone and do what is necessary to do the right thing.

[Spinning Head]

Again, I did not know MM was married until three months before the A ended. Once I discovered MM was married, I should have ended the R at that time. But, MM did a great job of making me believe his M was over and he was leaving. Like I put in another post, I ran across documents yesterday that MM had given me from his attorney - the retainer agreement and correspondence between MM and his attorney about moving out of the house. MM rented an apartment. MM was borrowing money to help with the move and initial expenses. I have paperwork to show all of this, but, I think it was all a smokescreen.

 

Did I help damage MM's W's self-esteem? I guess I did as I participated in having an A with him for three months when I knew he was married. I apologized to her for what I did, which is meaningless, I answered all of her questions about the A, I told her I would leave her alone and I have done so.

 

I don't think I feel sorry for myself. Believe me, I have beaten myself up for the A. The A and its aftermath have shaken me to my core. Yesterday was the first day that I did not cry over it. Posting on this site has been a huge benefit to me. I hope others will learn from my mistakes and not experience the same nightmare.

[quankanne]

I did a stupid thing yesterday by sending an e-mail to MM asking him to give me closure on this matter by explaining to me why he created the situation he created. Guess what? No response.

 

despite your best intentions, this really was a dumb thing to do. Because he now knows he's got you where he wants you, wanting more ... even if it is just for closure. Face it, kiddo, you're not going to get the kind of closure you're looking for when dealing with a scumbutt like him. He's only capable of lying for his benefit, and to tell you what you need to hear to get this behind you DOES NOT benefit him at all. I'll bet you anything that you'll hear from him out of the blue, wanting to know how you are, that he misses you, etc. My suggestion is to block all electronic contact, switch your phone number and pretend he's dead. Because believe you me, he's not going to let you go that easily when he's strung you along the way he has. But you don't have to subject yourself to his bullshxt, just cut him off at the pass for your own mental well-being.

 

I don't understand how MM claim to love me then do a complete 180 and act like I don't exist. Obviously, in reality, MM is doing me a favor by not contacting me (at least that is how I should look at it). It is such a blow to my self-esteem. I'm wrestling with the fact that I was used - how do I accept that fact and move on? That is the struggle I now have.

 

because the relationship was never about you or your needs, it was designed to benefit him. That's why he could tell you the things he did, that's why he can avoid you now that you've blown the whistle, and that's what will give him the cajones to contact you later to see how he's doing. None of that matters anymore, though. You have the power within you to cut him off at the pass, to say "no more," and to get past this warped relationship by recognizing that you don't deserve to waller in the mud with him by allowing him to make you feel this way.

 

you were used, yeah, big time, but you don't have to needlessly make yourself into a victim one minute longer, you know?

[manugeorge]

Spinning head so you emailed him, so what? She slipped and we all come down on her like she killed someone. This is the process she needs to go through, she is not just going to snap out of it, some days will be better than others, and some days she will make mistakes and think about him too much or stupidly reach out to him, so what??? It is like withdrawal from any drug, sometimes you will backslide but then you will get back on the wagon again and keep on plugging.

 

SH, just keep taking it one day at a time, I absolutely PROMISE you that you will eventually let this go and move on with your life. That is the beauty of life and the beauty of time, heartaches always heal.

 

Think of people you have dated your whole life, think of those breakups and how, at the time, you thought you will always be in pain. Look back on those relationships and how you gradually got over it and moved on with your life. It will be the same with this one too.

 

You are grieving right now but you won't always grieve. I understand the blow your self esteem has taken, I've been there and for a whole year I analyzed and questioned and cried and chased him. I never got closure. But eventually those feelings evaporated, and I started experiencing other things that gradually replaced thoughts of him. And now, I'm so indifferent to this man, it was as if we never even had a relationship. That is how much those memories and the hurt have faded.

[Spinning Head]

Well, I had been doing pretty well the past few days until I got an e-mail from xMM accusing me of calling his wife and sending malicious pictures and documents to his wife. I have not called his wife since that one conversation. And, as far as malicious pictures/documents, I haven't sent anything. I e-mailed him back that I had not done so and I was angry to think that xMM would think I would do something like that.

 

I felt like I was really making progress in putting this nightmare behind me. Now, everything has come flooding back. I ran across cards this weekend that xMM had given to me in the past (signed 'I will love you always and forever') and I managed to cope with seeing them.

 

Now, I feel like I've spun back to where I was two weeks ago . . . I'll be glad when I get that entire R out of my head and there are no reminders of it anywhere.

[wildsoul]

Hang in there, girl! You might feel emotionally as upset as you were 2 weeks ago, but you are NOT in the same place. You've made a lot of progress. Once your emotions simmer down, and they WILL, you'll probably recover a lot quicker than the first time.

 

The paper shredder is your best friend.

If that fails to satisfy, Owl has a wood chipper he'll probably let you borrow.

[Spinning Head]

I saw my counselor yesterday. I had been seeing a counselor off and on for over a year in an effort to find out why I was unhappy in marriage. I told the counselor everything that had happened in the affair. It felt so good to talk to someone candidly about the events that have happened. I realize I was paying to talk to him; however, the relief I felt afterwards was worth the cost.

 

I needed to know how xMM could say and act in the manner he did. I had saved the text messages xMM sent me over the past month and read them out loud to the counselor then deleted them as each was read. The counselor, based on my story, stated that xMM exhibited signs of an antisocial and narcissistic personality disorders. I googled those disorders on the web today and each description fits xMM to a "t". I wish there was some way that his photo could be placed next to each description.

 

I am better now than I was earlier this week. I am trying to move forward and put this nightmare behind me. I have also learned valuable lessons from the nightmare. I do admit that the affair changed me - but, I'm trying to let those changes be good changes.

[jj33]

Good for you. You sound a lot stronger. Finding some explanation however sad is helpful because it allows you to make some sense of what happened. Hopefully understanding that he has NPR and has an antisocial personality disorder will help you reframe what happened in your mind so you can more easily move forward.

 

Its so much harder when all you have are questions that will never adequately be answered by the CS.

 

 

Big hugs

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Wow, a child he only supports financially. I really don't think he's worried at all about the trauma he inflicts on other peoples lives. HE can go on with a smile on his face because he is truly incapable of empathy. HELL, he can't even learn from his own mistakes. I doubt very seriously that you are the first in those sixteen years nor will you be the last. True love to someone like him is only mirrored from someone who sees him as he wants to be seen. Once that mirror cracks he'll have to find it in someone else.

 

Don't send him that email. If you want to truly make an impression, ingore him all together. IWWH

 

Kind of what I was trying to say. Many of the MM here fit this description to a 'T'. And there is NO fix. They will just continue to use and abuse people to be keep up their own false persona alive. They never EVER even notice the people whose lives they shatter lying around. Keep reading on NPD. It is so sad but educating yourself on the matter truly helps put things into perspective.

 

ps the only way to "hurt" a Narcissist is to ignore him. Any attention is good attention to him.