getting over the jitters. . .

[Bachboy123]

This is the first time that I've posted on this forum and it feels a bit odd to be turning to the anonymity of the internet for assistance.

I love my girlfriend. We've been together for about 6 years now. All through college we were long distance, broke up a twice and i kind of played the field but we talked the entire time and basically functioned under the premise that we would get back together.

After college I moved cities to be with her and our relationship totally changed (as can happen when you go from long distance to close together). Some things were better, we became very close as a couple and i learned a lot about her. Exactly a year ago we moved in together. Slightly before that time she started to indicate that she was ready for marriage. At that time i had no idea what i was doing professionally, and was really confused. I said that it wasn't time to have that discussion. She was frustrated, and as more of our friends got engaged (and one couple who we'd known for a long time got married) the frustration turned into a fight. We went to see a relationship therapist, and started talking through some of the issues of communication and anger that had developed in our relationship especially regarding the issue of marriage.

I'm 24, out of college for 2 years now, and on my way to a career as a physician (pending a successful round of med school applications, which isn't a certainty). We've been talking about getting engaged A LOT, and i discussed the aspects of communication and conflict resolution that were lacking in our relationship, and i see as critical for a happy and stable future marriage. Over the past summer, my views on marriage have started to change. I really wanted a couple of things: 1. to be happy with her 2. to move forward in the relationship together 3. to really address the issue of marriage for my own sanity (at various times i've tried, avoiding the topic, trying to ignore my own conflicted feelings or apprehension, trying to talk it out with her and say that 'i'm just not ready yet', etc.).

I have made some errors when confronting the issue of marriage with her. for instance: i've said that 'we should go look at rings' when i wasn't really ready to commit to getting engaged yet, and i did it because i saw it as a way of ensuring peace and happiness in our relationship (during these times we wouldn't fight about marriage, and all other arguments were pretty easily overcome). that was wrong, and stupid. it was misleading her and looking back, it wasn't fair to her and contributed to my current situation: during one round of arguments she asked when I'd be ready to get married and the answer 'i really don't know' just wasn't acceptable. And i answered: Fine, then September, after I've finished with much of my work (Masters thesis, medical school applications) is a reasonable time to address this question (get engaged).

When we discuss it she says that we'd been together a really long time (true), we love each other (true), we've worked on major aspects of our relationship and they have improved (also true), so there comes a point at which she just doesn't want to wait anymore. I kinda understand this, I mean it's not like we're that old (I'm 24 and she's 25) so there's not a rush to get married for me, but we've been together a long time through periods of growth and change. we've gotten to know each other and we know one another's faults, shortcomings, hot spots, and strengths (at least a little, i get the sense that it's a lifelong process).

But now it's September, and I've made an effort over the summer to save up the money for a ring (a modest one) and talked it over with just about everyone I know (family and friends), and really think for myself about what it means to commit to marriage. And now i'm here, and i feel REALLY anxious. I don't entirely know why, she's a beautiful girl and i love her very much. but we've been through so much and marriage (as i see it) is one of those LIFE CHANGING, FOREVER kind of things. If i'm going to ask her towards the end of september, i feel the need to start planning now, and to resolve any remaining anxiety that i have regarding marriage.

It may not be reasonable to expect but i can't help the fact that I want to be totally calm, i want to be absolutely certain that getting engaged is what I WANT, and that it's the right time FOR ME, and it's the CORRECT course of action. That the past year hasn't been a gradual process of being pushed into marriage by someone who is at a different stage of life than I. The past several months, i've really seen marriage in a different light. Rather than something to avoid in the relationship, it's something that i have to confront. For me and for her, because i owe it to her to address this issue.

Are my feelings about marriage normal? Are other people who are looking to get engaged as incredibly nervous as i am? do you question yourself, and your relationship, or are you certain? is getting over the nervousness and fear about the future part of getting engaged? or can you deal with it along the way.

I'm certain that i want to be with her, i get frustrated when we argue and she can really get to me but at the end of the day i always want to work it out with her.

i don't want to break up with her and saying "i have all these concerns about us, about getting married, etc. and i'm just not ready yet" will invariably cause her to say "what's it going to take for you to be ready for marriage?" and i really don't have an answer. not to mention that she's not going to wait indefinitely. she wants to get engaged NOW because it would allow us to have the wedding next summer, before i'd start medical school and leave enough time to travel, settle into a new city, etc. (all of which i absolutely agree with which is why i'm kind of pressing the issue now)

i don't know what will make me "more confident" another year together will bring changes in our lives with regards to professional aspirations and will be another year of experiences, working on small and large problems etc. but ultimately the basics of the relationship will be the same as thy are now.

Sorry to make this such a novel of a post, but i've been going through this over and over in my mind. I really want to be ready, and confident. To wake up one morning and say, 'of course this is what I should do! how could i possibly be really nervous about it?' but each morning i wake up and i don't have the supreme sense of confidence that i'm looking for.

I welcome any and all thoughts. Frankly, i'm hoping that someone will just validate my feelings and concerns and provide reassurance that getting engaged while i'm still nervous is OK. thanks!

[sugarlump]

I think your concerns a completely normal, given your situation. This is a big decision and it requires due consideration, particularly if you feel that your proposal may have been hastened by your partners' pressures.

 

I'm not married myself. But I would like to think when asked that my partner is proposing because he loves me unconditionally, he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and can't face the thought of me not being around. Don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting love hearts and singing doves whilst he gets down on one knee... I just don't want a proposal from my partner because he believes it's what I want (but not what he does), it's what everyone else is doing (and he doesn't want to be left out!), or simply we've reached 'that stage' in the relationship (and he thinks this is what he's suppose to do). I think a girl deserves more than that.

 

You are both young. I know at 24/25, I was nowhere near marriage. Heck, at 32, I'm still not sure I am. But if you're planning to spend your lives together anyway, I don't see the rush in setting a date so quickly. Perhaps a long engagement would suit? You're suitably committed but still taking things at a steady pace. I would of course explain this to her and manage her expectations.

 

I think you need to be sure in your mind that you are ready for this. The last thing you want to do is regret your decision and the last thing that your girlfriend wants is to think she's railroaded you into this. She may be hurt in the short term, however if you're serious about being together, it's ultimately the long term that matters.

 

Take some deep breathes. Allow yourself some time. Relax and try not to put undue pressure on yourself. This is suppose to be a happy, special time. For you and for her!

[Ronni_W]

i'm hoping that someone will just validate my feelings and concerns

Your feelings and concerns are valid .

Possibly you are feeling anxious because you have sort of allowed yourself to get dragged along and sucked into this "yikes, now it's September, so we gotta deal with it" situation in which you find yourself? I know that you're taking appropriate responsibility for that...but then you still have self-responsibility to not get "willingly coerced" (is there such an animal?) into anything ELSE that you don't want, whether it's life-changing or not.

 

Not to be a Negative Nellie, but your post is pointing to a number of unresolved issues for you both, individually (which will affect the dynamics as a couple, of course.)

 

If she is happy and confident in her relationship with you, what is driving her apparent "need" to be engaged-to-be-married at this time? Is she responding to subconscious, conditioned beliefs and ideas? Peer pressure? Fear of...what? What does she NOT have in her life right now, that an engagement or wedding will bring/add?

 

And, if you are happy and confident in your relationship with her, what is preventing you from taking the "next step" and becoming engaged-to-be-married at this time? Are you responding to subconscious, conditioned beliefs and ideas? Fear of...what? What do you HAVE in your life right now, that an engagement or wedding will eliminate/prevent?

 

The truth may be that you are each just at different stages of the decision-making process. Or rather, she's done processing her stuff while you are just not there yet. One could say that she is lacking understanding and compassion...and then another could counter that you are.

 

As you say, it is a LIFE-CHANGING decision. It would be best for the two of you to work a bit more at how the compromise is going to be reached -- right at this point in time, there is really no win-win on the horizon (simply because you haven't yet reached your conclusion...not because there will NEVER be a win-win.)

 

Because one of you will be stuck again...when the other is ready for a baby, or to move to a new neighbourhood, or change country of residence, or to retire and travel.

 

Of course it's fine to get engaged even if you have some doubts -- "feel the fear and do it anyway," isn't a bad piece of advice. Heck, I got MARRIED with huge doubts and concerns...cos everyone said it was just 'cold feet' and 'wedding jitters' .