Should I call him?

[Citizen Erased]

FYI Fathers Day is in September here, this Sunday.

 

So I've made no secret that I have a terrible relationship with my father, if you could call it a relationship. I haven't spoken to him since Christmas day. So long story short, I was sick of him, he's long been sick of me, I didn't call him for his birthday so he's pissed and like I said, we haven't spoken.

 

So should I call him on Sunday? I don't want to, in fact I don't even know how to...I deleted his mobile number and I don't even know where he moved to in whatever state he's in now, let alone know his house phone number. The thing is I will be spending the day with my mum's side of the family, we always do something for my grandfather. My sister will be there and I know if I don't call "dad" she'll too be pissed at me. I'd rather not have to deal with that.

 

I don't know...it's all kind of petty but I feel it's better for me if I have no contact with this guy. Yeah, NC with my father.

 

Oh I don't know...I feel like I should keep the peace, but on the other hand I find only speaking to him on special occasions and then going back to months of silence is ridiculous.

[johan]

Does he contact you on holidays?

[Citizen Erased]

No. Oh, he IM'd me on my birthday last year. Oh the love.

[Ronni_W]

Is this right? -- calling your father will violate your own sense of integrity (doing something you don't want to do) but doing what you don't want to do will maintain your needed peace with your sister?

 

So, it's kinda like...what are you going to be valuing more on Sunday, maybe? Peace with Sis, OR acting within your own sense of what is authentically you? Unless I misinterpreted, looks like them two is yer options.

[Jilly Bean]

Im so sorry to hear this, Citizen. My Dad and I are very close, and it breaks my heart to think that someone else has a dick of a Dad who makes this kind of relationship impossible.

 

Regardless, we can't chose our family, and if you feel that your relationship is toxic, or that contacting him will cause you greater pain, then don't.

 

Conversely, if you can project forward and think you will feel WORSE for not reaching out, then make the call.

[jerbear]

Im so sorry to hear this, CE. My dad is an interesting character and I didn't have contact with him since 5.

 

I have to agree with OJB on choosing our family members and if the relationship will be toxic then it would be best to keep him away.

 

I do still suggest calling him on father's day just because he is your father.

 

Disregarding peace and because he is part of YOUR family, your dad, I suggest keeping limited contact.

[ed-205]

I never had a *bad* relationship with my Dad, but he was one of those "non-nurturing" types. When my Mom died, he tried to help out, but it was a little awkward at times. My sister, OTOH, blamed him for everything that ever went wrong in her life, and inside our "dysfunctional" family. While Dad made mistakes, I didn't think he deserved that. I wanted to resolve the issues, and One night, I figured out what to do while listening to Mike and the Mechanics - "The Living Years".

 

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/m/mike+&+the+mechanics/the+living+years_20093565.html

 

Parents, in general, do the best they can with what they have, and sometimes they don't have anything to begin with. They were human and made mistakes with me, just as I have made mistakes with my own kids. Even the worst parents in the world have accomplished their mission in life if you are a functional member of our society, no matter how rough a trip it was getting there.

 

I sat down, and wrote my Dad a letter. I thanked him for being my Father, and told him that if he ever felt he made mistakes as a parent, that I forgave him. No matter what my problems were, or why I had them, and even if they *were* his fault, the important thing was that he cared enough to bring me up to a point where I was an adult who could deal with them on my own.

 

I thought about the letter for a long time, made sure I edited out *any* criticism and negativity. The point was to focus on what he *did* do for me, and be thankful for that.

Then, I mailed it to him.

 

It worked for me, and it worked for my sister as well. Until the day he died, we all became closer than ever before.

 

I don't know if this will work for you, but you might think about giving it a try.

[Prodigal Princess]

If you don't want to speak with him, then DON'T. I doubt if you called the conversation would go that smoothly anyway, and you'd just end up feeling resentful.

 

I don't really have any relationship with my father and it doesn't affect me at all. Actually, it does - I dont have to put up with stressing about sh*t like this on father's day or his bday. It's a relief to have one less person to worry about.

[Lyssa]

Hey hun, if it's better for you not to make any contact with him - then don't make any. Sometimes it is better to leave things as they are.