his weight problems..how to cope?

[shantell5807]

My boyfriend of 2 years and I have a great relationship, we rarely ever fight and the envy of all our friends, you know the "happiest never-ever breaking up" couple. The problem is, is that over the 2 years of our being together he's gained a lot of weight. 6'1" and weight 200 when we first got together which was okay, I like guys with a little meat on their bones. But since then, he's gained 66 pounds. I still love him, but I'm just not sexually attracted to him anymore. We never have sex anymore and its put a little tension in our relationship. I don't want to hurt him but things need to change. How do I do this? Am I being selfish??

[Enema]

You can't help it if you don't find him sexually attractive, that's not being selfish.

 

If you have no attraction to him and you never have sex anymore you've got two options:

 

1) Break up with him and find someone more your type.

2) Let him know you want him to lose weight because you're finding him less attractive.

[Mr. Lucky]

The problem is, is that over the 2 years of our being together he's gained a lot of weight. 6'1" and weight 200 when we first got together which was okay, I like guys with a little meat on their bones. But since then, he's gained 66 pounds.

I don't think that someone gains 60+ pounds in 2 years unless there are some other issues involved. Depression? Medical need?

 

There's something else going on...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Prodigal Princess]

I don't think that someone gains 60+ pounds in 2 years unless there are some other issues involved. Depression? Medical need?

 

There's something else going on...

 

Yeah, he's a lazy glutton.

 

How about going on a health kick and encouraging him to join you? Even if it's just a walk around the block most evenings. If he starts to lose a bit of weight, lavish compliments on him and he'll be inclined to continue on.

[mark982]

I"m with the princess on this one. why not suggest that you both join the gym? what's his diet like? drink alot of beer? if you love him help him become the man you loved. keep him moving. also get dr. to check him out.

[Wicked]

You are being incredibly selfish. Think about it, if you gained 30 pounds (about the equivalent body fat percentage) and he told you or posted and you found out that he isn't attracted to you anymore and doesn't want to have sex, you would go psycho ballistic on him. Browse the forums for plenty of examples of girls doing just that.

 

The fastest way to weight loss is sex. Especially for men. You take away sex and he is going to gain weight. He is unhappy and unhappy people get FAT. His weight gain is very likely endemic to the relationship. Likely you two got together things were good you both gained a little weight most couples do, then you started being turned off and sex became a chore and things lead down the road he has gained more weight because he is unhappy and both of you continue to do the things that lead to even more weight gain.

 

I willing to bet that many of those pounds come from going out to eat. Add to that lazy Saturdays and other common relationship lazies and he packed on pounds like a cow going to market. It happened and now you are here looking for support to dump him.

 

Don't listen to these whacked out crazy girls. They are part of the problem they don't respect men. Don't listen to the push some pills and everything will be fine boys either. If you are just looking for a support group to bash guys and dump him go to any feminist site. You'll find more than a few feminazi's willing to crush men under a grind stone.

 

But if you are really looking for some suggestions:

* Go pork your porker, he might have put on a few but chances are good he can get it up and do the job. If you have to, be on top, you might find you like it better there anyway (many girls do.) Re-igniting the sex drive is step one to dealing with the relationship issues.

* Figure out what issues are causing weight gain and start working on them. I bet you can trace them to restaurant food and relationship lazies. If so stop encouraging going out to eat IT ISN'T HEALTHY. Don't try to force salads on him either, but eating a balanced meal with a solid portion of meat and plenty of green leafy veggies will work wonders on the waistline of both sexes. Also no more sodas they are satan's evil twin google soda and health if you need to find out more.

* Be more active, chances are good he wants to spend time with you, and if you are out hiking he will be right beside you. Plan the meals ahead of time, take a picnic basket, or plan to be back home at meal time.

* Did I mention have sex with him and make it something he will never forget. Sex is not a negotiating chip. Read any good relationship book and most will clearly say that sex is part of a relationship for both people and while the occasional "headache" can be excused flat out refusing to put out for either partner is the fastest way to destroy a relationship. (I know I mentioned it but it really bears repeating.)

* Don't blame him for gaining the weight, it isn't fair and likely isn't all his fault. We live in a super sized world and you very likely played a part in the weight gain. Not that it is all your fault either, but if someone is struggling with their weight the last place you need to place them is in front of a buffet. (burgers, tacos, fries, and other assorted fast / restaurant food included) If you care about him, be supportive and help him to be healthy in his choices, if you are encouraging going out for food stop it, work with him to have healthy meals.

* If you are only looking for support to break up then just do it. Don't look for lame excuses and try to get a gang of people bashing him to feel you are justified for your selfishness. If something as stupid as 60 pounds is enough to get you to post on the net chances are the relationship is not very great and your just looking for excuses to end it. Possibly both of you are. It is called being passive aggressive and it is something that modern society has put up with for too long.

 

If you really love him and he loves you sit down have a sincere heart to heart. Tell him you were wrong for not having sex, but he has to commit to loosing the weight and keeping it off, because it turns you off to have sex with fat slapping your belly. If it is a really big deal set some deadlines 5 lbs a month is a good number with it dropping to 2 lbs a month towards the end of a year. Make it clear that the weight has to go or you will leave. Then be supportive, if you are sabotaging him then you should just end it. It does him no good to be beat up about weight while you are handing him a tipple cheeseburger with cheese.

[shantell5807]

For one, thank you for trying to help and with the constructive criticism. i like that.

 

But honestly, if i were to find him posting a message like this online, I wouldnt go ballistic. I love my boyfriend and all I want is for him to be happy. I would try my best to lose the weight, I dont want him to think that I'm not the girl he fell in love with anymore. Also, if he knows I'm not enjoying sex, he wont want to do it, thats the reason we dont. I feel like I'm lowering his self esteem and his confidence by telling him he looks less then. I don't want to do that. I want to help in the best and nicest way possible. So, heart to heart is the best way?

[shantell5807]

I don't think that someone gains 60+ pounds in 2 years unless there are some other issues involved. Depression? Medical need?

 

There's something else going on...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Well, when we met it was just out of football season ( he used to play but then quit to focus on school) Also, this is his first serious relationship, maybe he just got too comfortable? His parents also aren't the smallest of people so I would think that factors in.

[lovestruck818]

You can't help it if you don't find him sexually attractive, that's not being selfish.

 

If you have no attraction to him and you never have sex anymore you've got two options:

 

1) Break up with him and find someone more your type.

2) Let him know you want him to lose weight because you're finding him less attractive.

 

Or...just tell him from the perspective that you are concerned for his health...that way it's not only a physical thing.

[Wicked]

Shantell,

 

Heart to heart will help, but it really can't be taken alone. The rest of the suggestions are important.

 

I hope you and he can deal with this.

 

W

[sparrow62671]

I have a similar situation with my husband. I have to say, Wicked is right-on-the-money! Everything Wicked said is true (and will help me personally, thanks for that). I gained weight too, which drove him to an affair, which lead both of us to falling out of love. It is an ugly place to be, I hope it doesn't go there for you.

[BuJin]

You are being incredibly selfish. Think about it, if you gained 30 pounds (about the equivalent body fat percentage) and he told you or posted and you found out that he isn't attracted to you anymore and doesn't want to have sex, you would go psycho ballistic on him. Browse the forums for plenty of examples of girls doing just that.

 

The fastest way to weight loss is sex. Especially for men. You take away sex and he is going to gain weight. He is unhappy and unhappy people get FAT. His weight gain is very likely endemic to the relationship.....

 

 

I agree with wicked. Furthermore, I have always held the opinion that it is also rather shallow and I would wonder just what one fell in love with, the way things looked on the outside or the whole person.

 

I can understand if you don't like his weight, or turned off by it, however, I think it is selfish and a bit shallow. Sexy is a state of mind. Being a guy, I have seen women who were by most standards beautiful and had such a nasty personality they repulsed me to look at them. Then other women who the average muscle-head jock would turn down, who may be full figured or whatever to be extremely sexy and arousing. Just my opinion.

 

All that said, for a relationship to work, one must be attracted to the other. However, it is what one finds attractive that will be the determining factor. People are far more complex than just physical beauty (which is pretty much reserved for the young, anyway LOL). The best of luck to you in working this out.

[Groovy]

I don't think it's right for people to say your selfish and shallow because of what attracts you. That is an instinctual behavior and we all have our likes and dislikes that vary greatly.

 

I don't mind weight, but I do mind when it starts gettting unhealthy. I would approach it from a "I love you and want you to be healthy" way. The best thing you can do it take care of yourself, exercise, eat well, etc.

 

Have you suggested exercise together to say that you would be more motivated to have a workout partner? If your active and he is not you want to just let him know that you staying active and him sitting on the couch all day creates a disconnect with him.

 

Have you considered eating in instead of dinners out that couples often do? Point out it would save money and be healthier for BOTH of you. Offer to cook or barbeque instead of restaurants.

 

If you live together you may want to subscribe to a health magazine like Shapes, where you can leave it on the coffee table and he may get tips on staying healthier.

 

Obesity affects heart disease, joint health, diabetes and a whole bunch of diseases are more likely to occur. I think some people are turned off by it because it just isn't healthy. Approach this from the point that you love him but would like to see him take more accountability for his health and worry about him because you care.

 

Good Luck!

[BuJin]

I don't mind weight, but I do mind when it starts gettting unhealthy

 

I agree with that statement and the key here is the difference between vanity and health. Certainly being concerned about a partner's health is important.

[Stockalone]

My boyfriend of 2 years and I have a great relationship, we rarely ever fight and the envy of all our friends, you know the "happiest never-ever breaking up" couple. The problem is, is that over the 2 years of our being together he's gained a lot of weight. 6'1" and weight 200 when we first got together which was okay, I like guys with a little meat on their bones. But since then, he's gained 66 pounds. I still love him, but I'm just not sexually attracted to him anymore. We never have sex anymore and its put a little tension in our relationship. I don't want to hurt him but things need to change. How do I do this? Am I being selfish??

 

With that much weight, it will not come as a surprise to him that you noticed.

 

You say you aren't having sex anymore. Has he stopped initiating sex or have you been rejecting his advances?

 

If he is self-conscious about his weight, I would expect him to be reluctant to initiate sex. He knows he has gotten fat and also feels bad about it because he feels how this is affecting you.

 

If he isn't bothered that much by his weight, I would expect him to keep trying to have sex.

 

 

Well, when we met it was just out of football season ( he used to play but then quit to focus on school) Also, this is his first serious relationship, maybe he just got too comfortable? His parents also aren't the smallest of people so I would think that factors in

 

Once you stop playing organized ball but keep eating as much as when you were still playing, that will result in gaining lots of weight, especially if it also means a severly reduced amount of exercise from that point on.

 

Been there, done that. I assume it's the same with your bf.

 

But just to make sure, he should be seeing a doctor to make sure he is still healthy and his doc can also look for signs of depression while he is at it. His doctor can also tell him what he needs to keep in mind when he starts exercising again if he wants to lose some of that weight.

 

 

Also, if he knows I'm not enjoying sex, he wont want to do it, thats the reason we dont. I feel like I'm lowering his self esteem and his confidence by telling him he looks less then. I don't want to do that. I want to help in the best and nicest way possible. So, heart to heart is the best way?

 

Have you already told him that you aren't attracted to him given his current weight? I am a bit confused now.

 

Telling him that you are not as attracted to him physically as you used to be, will make him feel bad. Hopefully, only for a short time. Knowing that the woman you love no longer enjoys sex with you is probably a huge hit to his self-esteem. But is also a wake-up call.

 

But you shouldn't be afraid to do it. Gaining 60 lbs is a lot, there is no way to sugar coat it and he knows it, if he is honest with himself. I certainly was aware of it when I gained that much weight.

 

The thing that really bothers me is that he is in a relationship and no longer having sex seems not to be motivation enough to do something about his weight or at least motivation enough to talk to you about what is happening in your relationship.

 

If he is truly okay with his weight, there is (nearly) nothing you can do to change that. However, if he is feeling bad about it, knowing that you want to help him lose at least some of that weight, should make it easier for him to make the necessary changes.

 

I think you need to talk to him and ask him why he has gained so much weight, see if he has an explanation. In order to fix it, both of you need to know if anything is broken and what it is that is broken.

 

But you also need to know what you want him to do. Does he have to get back to 200 lbs or could you live with, say 220 but him being healthy? You need to talk to him about this too. And you need to ask yourself if it is only his physical appearance that bothers you or are you also "angry" because he let himself go like that.

 

Usually, I would not say you should use sex to get what you want. But I am convinced that it would help both of you to get your "old" relationship back.

 

So in that case, I would think about using it as an incentive. Tell him that you are afraid for his health, that you would like him to see a doctor. And you should tell him, that even though you regret it, you can't enjoy the sex with him due to his extra weight (and his inability/unwillingness to do something about it doesn't help either, in case that is how you feel).

 

Maybe you could look past his physical appearance once in a while if he started to do something about his weight. You could offer him a deal. If he starts exercising and eating right to make an effort and lose that weight, you could offer him a reward. Do something special in the bedroom that he really likes. Obviously, that is only a feasible option if you are not totally turned off by how he looks right now.

[Lauriebell82]

I"m with the princess on this one. why not suggest that you both join the gym? what's his diet like? drink alot of beer? if you love him help him become the man you loved. keep him moving. also get dr. to check him out.

 

Yeah I agree with this. Last year my boyfriend noticed I had put on some weight (and I had). I was still excercising everyday, but my eating habits had become horrible. He sat me down and told me that he was considered about my eating habits AND my health. We decided to BOTH try to eat healtheir and not keep so much junk food around. It really helped me, I ended up losing 30 pounds.

 

So I think you should figure out the reason why he gained so much weigh (depression, poor eating, lack of exercise) and try to solve the problem TOGETHER. I think weight fluctuation is normal in a relationship, you can't expect both of you to look the same exact way forever.