Feel like we're hanging on by a thread!

[Maggs]

Hey, I see there's a few new people on here since I last posted. Welcome!

 

Well the title about sums it up. Lately I feel like we're just hanging on and nothing else. I think it's the strain of the long distance and the no end in sight. But something else is bothering me too, and maybe I'm being stupid or selfish--please feel free to say so if I am!

 

A couple of days my BF had an argument with his twin brother and he hasn't been the same since. Now I know he's upset and that can make you grumpy but I've tried telling him that yes I know you're upset but that doesn't mean it has to affect our relationship too. We haven't talked on the phone in nearly a week, turned on webcam yesterday and he couldn't even manage a smile for me! I've just told him I'll leave him alone for a bit--as I know sometimes people want to be left alone when they're upset. I've tried my best to cheer him up and listen when he wants to talk but it's starting to get me down! I'm starting to feel like he's upset with me too! I've never had this happen before in a relationship--when the man gets so upset that it just affects every aspect of the relationship too. I just don't know what's going on! Can anyone offer anything, please? Feeling very sad!!

[Ronni_W]

We-ell...You DO know what's going on -- your b/f has had a falling out with his twin brother.

 

And you KNOW that b/f is NOT upset with you. Turning your knowledge into the feeling, "like he's upset with me" isn't logical on your part. So, it would be okay to just stop that. We do have control over our feelings, and some feelings are invalid: when they don't make logical sense or don't take into account the known facts or otherwise don't fit the actual reality of the situation.

So stop it, cut off that feeling before it grows any more roots, and before you are the one bringing your own weird dynamics into the relationship.

 

You are making your b/f's heartache over his relationship with his twin brother about you. That starts off being self-centred and can grow all the way to narcissism. This is NOT about you.

Put another way, your b/f is so upset that it is just affecting every aspect of HIS being. Which is making him act distant with you, yes. And that's not good if it goes long-term. But it's just him and you, in that. YOU are the one dragging this thing called 'relationship' into the mix.

 

HE is having probs with his twin brother, not with his relationship. The thing is that he's not dealing with his problem very effectively. He needs to get to the bottom of his own feelings and fears about it, and then go about reconciling with his brother or learning how to cope with the severed relationship. And NONE of that is about you.

 

You could reassure him that you want to be supportive, you're happy to listen to him, but you really don't have the tools and skills to properly help him get through it. Suggest that he google whatever he feels is the underlying problem that's going on for him and his brother. Suggest that you are suggesting that because you are concerned for HIM; you don't like seeing HIM unhappy; you want HIM to start feeling good about HIS world, again. Then you could add that you also don't like how it's affecting YOU (not "our relationship")...his crap is affecting you, personally and as an individual.

 

Make it about HIS happiness first, and only then about you (if you really must.) It's not an ideal situation for you but, right now, he is hurting and upset about his twin. It's fine for you to exercise more understanding and empathy than usual. It's fine to take a backseat to that, and support him by encouraging him to find the best way for him to move forward from whatever place he's at right now.

 

Best part of it will be that you'll know that you are...and he likely will see it again...that you are the BEST g/f a guy could ever hope for!

[Maggs]

Thank you Ronni for your opinion and your honesty.

 

It just seems like over the last few weeks there's steadily been this negative feeling around our relationship. I can't really pinpoint it but I just feels aren't 'right' anymore. And now that he's going through this rough time and being grumpy, things just seem so much worse. I haven't heard from him the rest of the day. I hope things will be ok. I'm hoping maybe I'm just imagining things--because of the stress of being apart. I've asked him in the past is everything is okay and he says it's fine but you know when you have that feeling....

 

Think after the last few weeks and now this I'm just feeling a little bit hurt. And yes it's probably selfish of me, but I can't help it. I wish things were the way they were a few months ago.

[Ronni_W]

(((hugs)))

Yeah, it is a real challenge when things are already "off", and something else comes around to add to stress that's already been building.

But you MUST believe him when he says things are fine as far as YOU are concerned. The 'feeling' that you're getting about that is because you are compassionate and naturally sensing that things are NOT fine...as far as his relationship with his twin brother is concerned. Those are two very separate things. For your b/f, one is fine...and one isn't. I really strongly urge you to keep that in your mind.

 

For the one who is directly involved in the NEW issue, it is difficult (if not impossible) to not let it negatively affect the 'old' issue. (For example, it would have been the same if your b/f lost his job or had a loved one die -- HIS feelings are somewhere between upset and devastated, about his twin. Even though we might feel, "wtf...it's just his brother for pete's sake!")

 

And for the one who is basically just observing how the new situation is exacerbating the old...that is freakin' tough to do.

But you are called upon to do the same thing as you might in those other situations -- suck it up and wait for a better time (AFTER he found a new job or got past his initial shock and grief) to get back to working on the issues between the two of you.

 

It is TOUGH to do that when you were already feeling things slipping out of your grasp. It is TOUGH to not start to feel as if everything is totally being lost.

 

Maybe you could tell him that you understand his level of upset and you really do want to be supportive but HOW HE IS TREATING YOU is really taking its toll on your own well-being and inner resources? Maybe ask him if he has any ideas for how you each can cope with individual upsets and anxieties?

 

The thing is, he may not need anything from you right now, about his twin. And honestly, that isn't about you, has nothing to do with you, doesn't indicate how he feels about you. It doesn't mean things between you are getting "worse". Don't let that be part of your thoughts, cos it'll make you even more insecure and clingy...and push your b/f even further into his head. Right now, he is just looking for answers about his brother. If he has to start finding answers for you AS WELL, you can see how that'll take him even further away from where you are, literally and figuratively.

 

Him not needing anything about his twin, just means that he is going through a personal thing, a problem that he needs to figure out how to deal with on his own. It is a time for his personal growth and individual development...and you don't have a place in it. (Just like he doesn't have a place in ALL your growth and development opportunities. Some of them, yes, but not all.)

 

And yeah...I do know how difficult it is for you to just stay detached from all of it. To just step back and know that he needs to take care of his stuff with his twin on his own, before he will have back his full senses and resources to devote to the rest of his life (including you...and likely ALL his other obligations, too.)

[Angel1111]

There may actually be something more than this that is wrong in your relationship but you're trying to sift through the muck and it's difficult right now. It is hard to say what's going on so it would probably be best if you can just let it ride for now until things clear up -- or not. As Dr. John Gray says, when men are upset, they go to their caves. But if your bf thinks that you're upset while he's doing this, it will actually make him pull away from you even more. If you've never read the 'Mean are from Mars' book, it will enlighten you.

 

In the meantime, don't call him for awhile and if he calls you, be cheerful. If he's still resistant to conversation, don't pretend it's not there so say something like, 'You know, I can tell you're not much in the mood to talk right now so I won't keep you. Why don't you call me when you're feeling better,' or something along those lines. And if you don't want to acknowledge it directly, then just cut the conversation short by saying you've got something to do and that you'll talk to him later. Men are not dumb in that sense because they never believe anything you say anyway because that's the kind of lie they would come up with. So he'll probably think about it later and think about how nice you are to just let him off the hook but at the same time not put yourself in the middle of it if you can't help him.

 

For now, I wouldn't get too overly worried about it. When men are in emotional turmoil, they don't usually handle it well and they can appear to be very cold. But if this goes on for a long, long time, then it'll have to be addressed. But I really think this has to do with his brother. Let him work it out and don't try to fix it or try to rescue him. To a man, that's an insult.

[lovinkbaby]

maggs: feelin the same way you are. Been there done that. Difficulties come and come and go in a relationship. I know its difficult to handle and makes you very sad but trust me you will get through it. Your boyfriend is just depressed and needs some time alone after his arguement with his brother per you said. Dont feel left out or like your about to lose him because thats really unlikely to happen. Get together with him and do whatever it takes to cheer him up. Dont take it to extreme circumstances though lol just kidding!!

[whichwayisup]

The twin thing has affected him deeply. Some twins can't make it through a day without seeing or speaking to eachother, so this probably is the case here..

 

This isn't about you so don't feel like you've done anything wrong. Try to be supportive, give him some space, but don't act distant or keep asking him about it, unless he wants to talk. Also, don't let his mood ruin yours.

[Maggs]

Well we chatted for a few minutes this morning. First time in 48 hrs. I know it probably doesn't seem like a long time, but we've always spoken every day so it was a struggle for me to see him online and for him not to say Hi.

 

Still the usual--basically one word answers, saying he's ok but can tell he's off. Just difficult to be on the receiving end of it.

 

In the last month, there seems to have been some changes. When we first became LD there was always long, lovely emails back and forth--then he stopped. The last time he was here, he spent the whole last couple of days (when we were alone) in front of his computer, instead of talking to me. He used to talk about missing me and what would happen in the future. Now seems to be none of that. So that's why I found this little trip to his 'cave' difficult. Because on top of everything else I've just said, things just don't seem to be the same anymore.

[Ronni_W]

Maggs, yeah...the difficulty is trying to use your "psychic powers" to figure out what is twin-related and what is just plain deterioration in your relationship, isn't it?

 

Have you mentioned to him that you are feeling extreme distance, and asked if he is feeling the same and if so, if he's also concerned about it?

If he also just gives one-word answers about that, then perhaps it is time for you to suggest a 'no contact' break? It may be what HE needs.

 

Alternatively. Not that this will necessarily resolve anything in your relationship, but it WILL help you keep your mind on other things: Have you considered reading up about the dynamics between twins? As WWIU said, non-twins really cannot imagine the connections that exist between many twins. And, in your reading, you may find different things to say to your b/f, different ways of saying it, and generally have better tools to help him get through it easier and faster.

 

Yes, after he deals with that, you two may still have to deal with communication issues that is about the two of you. But as long as both issues are running around in his head, it's unlikely that he'll be able to successfully resolve either one...and this situation could drag on for who knows how long.

[Maggs]

Maggs, yeah...the difficulty is trying to use your "psychic powers" to figure out what is twin-related and what is just plain deterioration in your relationship, isn't it?

 

Have you mentioned to him that you are feeling extreme distance, and asked if he is feeling the same and if so, if he's also concerned about it?

If he also just gives one-word answers about that, then perhaps it is time for you to suggest a 'no contact' break? It may be what HE needs.

 

Alternatively. Not that this will necessarily resolve anything in your relationship, but it WILL help you keep your mind on other things: Have you considered reading up about the dynamics between twins? As WWIU said, non-twins really cannot imagine the connections that exist between many twins. And, in your reading, you may find different things to say to your b/f, different ways of saying it, and generally have better tools to help him get through it easier and faster.

 

Yes, after he deals with that, you two may still have to deal with communication issues that is about the two of you. But as long as both issues are running around in his head, it's unlikely that he'll be able to successfully resolve either one...and this situation could drag on for who knows how long.

 

What I'm meaning is that a lot of this stuff has been going on long before he had an argument with his brother. I hope he's not starting to have his doubts...

[Lucky_One]

"The last time he was here, he spent the whole last couple of days (when we were alone) in front of his computer, instead of talking to me."

 

Does he have another LD GF that you don't know about? Did you by chance meet him online?

[Maggs]

"The last time he was here, he spent the whole last couple of days (when we were alone) in front of his computer, instead of talking to me."

 

Does he have another LD GF that you don't know about? Did you by chance meet him online?

 

 

No the reason we did that was because I asked him if he needed some time to be alone after he and his bro had the falling out. I was just commenting on the fact that it was difficult not to talk during that time.

 

And no, definitely no other girlfriend. We didn't meet online. Met through his family. My best friend is married to his other brother. We lived in the same country for a year and only been long distance for a few months when I had to move back to my home country.

[Linnor]

Hi Maggs! It's not easy to be in your situation. When you're in an LDR you naturally become more sensitive and you need more verbal confirmation. (Since you can't give eachother a hug, a caress, a smile, you need to hear from the other person that you're loved, missed etc) And that further complicates your situation. You might know that your boyfriends reactions has to do with his argument with his brother, you even understand him, but it doesn't make YOU feel any better.

 

This might just be something he's going through right now. Everything can be back to normal in a short time. And if it's not, don't be afraid to ask him about what's going on. And ask him again if you don't get a reply.

 

Hoping things will work our for you!

[Angel1111]

If that's what's going on then there probably is something wrong and he's just either being passive about it, or is trying to sort it out in his own mind. I'm guessing that he has either met someone else, or is having doubts about the two of you and being LD.

 

You need to turn the tables on him and stop letting him control you and the situation. If I were you, I'd just disappear for awhile and not be available for about a week. When he asks what's going on, tell him that you don't like the way he's acting toward you and, since he doesn't seem to want to discuss it, you don't feel like dealing with it. That should get him talking.

 

Don't ignore your instincts. If you sense that something is wrong, then it is.

[Maggs]

Well we've had a better weekend. Really good in fact. Had a good chat about things and I think we're both feeling better. This morning a package arrived for me--with some of my favourite magazines from the UK and a very sweet card. He must have mailed it a couple of weeks ago--before all of this. It was really touching. We'll have the chance to have about 3 months together starting in December. So I hope that'll give us a chance to really reconnect. I suppose that in a way, we're lucky that we had nearly a year together before we went long distance. But it doesn't make being apart any easier. It's a struggle everyday.