4 Years LDR - Should I continue or to end this?

[Bristol]

Hi Everyone,

 

I'm new to this forum and I hail from Kentucky, USA. First of all, I would like to put in some basic information about my boyfriend and I. He lives in California (which is about roughly 2,400 miles away) and we are in a 4 years long distance relationship. We've both visited and spent time at each other's place in duration of our relationship. We would be able to see each other 3 or 4 times a year. If we're lucky, we would be able to see each other 5 or 6 times a year.

 

I have 2 sons. My oldest son is autistic. My bf does not have any child/children. We both have our jobs which is at a different schedule. We both met online via a chat room and from there, things were hitting off. The more we kept in touch, the more we both started to develop feelings for each other. We didn't meet right away. We kept in touch via chat room, instant messengers, webcam, so and on for a year before we met in real life.

 

When we both met for the first time in person, Of course, we both were extremely nervous but yet, excited at the same time. We were not sure of how things will go in person but it was the best thing that has ever happened. Things were going wonderful and at that point, we both agreed to take it slow before going to the next level. Well, as time went by, we got to the point to where we wanted a relationship. So, we got into that and continued visiting each other and things were starting to become serious between us. We are at the point where we're talking about marriage.

 

The first 2 years was not bad and I seemed not to mind the distance. However in the last 2 year, it was starting to get hard and harder. I truly do love him to all extent. He says he loves me so much. I know he does. The thing is, We have had a lot of discussion deciding where and when will we be able to live together. Every time I try to bring up the issue of when we will be together, He tends to get a "cold feet" and tries to change the subject by saying "We've been through this before. You know you are always in my heart and I love you very much." He also said he does not want to move out of California because he feels that his grandmother needs him which I do understand of. I have suggested him to move over here in Kentucky because of course, it is a bit cheaper living here than it is in California. He says he is not too crazy about being in Kentucky.

 

Now before you ask me why I can't move over to California? I cannot do that because it would not be fair to uproot my children from the familiar surroundings and to move to someplace new. The kids also needs their family as well. My main concern is about my autistic son. It will affect my son in a severe way (as you know, autistic children needs to be in a familiar terrority and have a stabilized structure) if we were to be uprooted and to move to CA. He is aware that I've always put my children on top of everything else, priority wise.

 

Anyway, As time went by, things has became strained for both of us because of the distance. I do love him very much and I do want to be with him for the rest of my life but I also cannot continue to feel like this being miserable. I am to the point where I am getting burnt out. It is emotionally draining, depressing and it has affected me a lot in different aspects. Every time I know we both part our ways after our visit, I would always cry to no ends. When that happens, my heart feels like a piece of it has died. It is heart wrenching.

 

The confusing part is, He has introduced me to his family and I adore his family. This recent July, We both went to Michigan to meet his father's side of the family. I asked him "Even though you knew our relationship are on the rocks, Why do you still want me to meet your family?" He said "I want them to meet you because this is the girl I want to marry." After he said that, I was dumbfounded and at loss for words. I just didn't know what to say.

 

Right now, I am extremely confused about this because I cannot stand the idea of losing him for good but at the same time, I can't keep living like this. The more I think about it, The more confused I get. I've asked myself a lot of questions. One of the question was - if I do decide to end the relationship, Will I be losing the best thing that ever happened to me or will I be better off and be happy? I don't know.

 

I apologize for this long ramble but I'm in a need of a serious advice or perspective to this.

[whichwayisup]

Tell him your fears, and just speak from your heart.

 

Let's say you did move to where he is, could you get the same kind of support that you have now? Schools, specialists, therapy for your child to help him adjust?

 

Would he eventually want to move to where you are? Does he want more children, or are yours enough? If so, he is ready to handle the special needs of your child?

 

There is so much to think about so I can see how confusing and painful this is for you.

[Bristol]

Tell him your fears, and just speak from your heart.

 

Let's say you did move to where he is, could you get the same kind of support that you have now? Schools, specialists, therapy for your child to help him adjust?

 

Would he eventually want to move to where you are? Does he want more children, or are yours enough? If so, he is ready to handle the special needs of your child?

 

There is so much to think about so I can see how confusing and painful this is for you.

 

Thank you for coming up and to take the courage to post in this thread.

 

We had a long talk last night. It was not easy. I have told him all about how I felt and my fears. We both tried to work out on a compromise by trying to get to meet on the middle ground but unfortunately, in our situation, it was uncompromisable.

 

If I were to move where he is at, sure, There'd be resources, therapy, school for him to help with the transition phase but however, as for the support system - That's the thing, I don't know of anyone who lives in the area who could be able to babysit for an hour or two (in case if I really needed one). I don't have any family support over there in California.

 

He says he does not want to move where I am at. We've talked about having more children. He wants more but I don't because my kids are just enough to handle. Having more kids would be overwhelming. He has also understood that and agreed to it.

 

Anyway, I'll be seeing him in October in person of course, and well things are better said in person rather than over the 'net. At that point, I will know where our relationship is headed to. If we decide to end it, it'd be better to do that in person and to have a closure from there.