Why am I a fool?

[Rachel]

I had a boyfriend of six years. He claimed that he loved me more than life, he could not see his life without me. He was good to me and my two children. One day he goes to a bar meets some tramp, and it is over. I have cried, begged and pleaded with him to come back to me, he says no, accept and get on. How can a man who shares six years with someone can just walk away without blinking an eye? I have tried for three months to get him to talk to me to tell me what went wrong, but he avoids me, he will not return my calls, he will not see me. He is always with his new friend. I broke my beack over this man, and the bottom line is that he has nothing to offer me, but I still love him. I am three months pregnant, and he thinks I am a sick person, because I want to have the baby. I am 32 and I am not getting younger, I tell him that he has a new play toy, but when it gets old, I am not going to be here for him. But the sad thing is that I am here. He comes over when he damn pleases, I pay his bills still and he treats me like #####. I cant seem to let go. How do I let him go?

 

Please help

[Nicky]

I had a boyfriend of six years. He claimed that he loved me more than life, he could not see his life without me. He was good to me and my two children. One day he goes to a bar meets some tramp, and it is over. I have cried, begged and pleaded with him to come back to me, he says no, accept and get on. How can a man who shares six years with someone can just walk away without blinking an eye? I have tried for three months to get him to talk to me to tell me what went wrong, but he avoids me, he will not return my calls, he will not see me. He is always with his new friend. I broke my beack over this man, and the bottom line is that he has nothing to offer me, but I still love him. I am three months pregnant, and he thinks I am a sick person, because I want to have the baby. I am 32 and I am not getting younger, I tell him that he has a new play toy, but when it gets old, I am not going to be here for him. But the sad thing is that I am here. He comes over when he damn pleases, I pay his bills still and he treats me like #####. I cant seem to let go. How do I let him go? Please help

Unfotunately, in life there are no guarantees. I'm sure your BF did love you very deeply, as he said. However, it sounds as though he no longer does.

 

It is immensely frustrating in your situation, that he has given you no reasons as to why he left. Communication is such a vital key in relationships. More honesty, and we might be able to sort out problems, and prevent their escalation into something destructive to the relationship.

 

However, this did not happen with you, and who knows, it mightn't have changed a thing.

 

So you're left to deal with what you have. He hasn't explained why he left you. He might be ashamed, I'm sure he does feel bad, whatever, but it doesn't look like you'll ever know why, and you certainly won't have a chance to fix things.

 

I think you have to move on and accept reality. He's gone, and he's not coming back. I would also not hold out any hopes that the baby will bring you two back together. You could wish your life away, but you should live in reality for your kids and your sake.

 

As immensely painful as it is, you should make a clean break. Allow him access to the baby, it's only fair to both of them. But don't be a doormat. The only reason he's using you, is because you let him. And he won't fall in love with you again because of it.

 

I'm sorry I can't be more positive for you. I think you have to be strong, and try and soldier on for you and the kids. All the best.

[Tony T]

If their was a jail for the lovesick, you should be serving a life term.

 

He comes over when he wants, you pay his bills, he treats you like crap, and you LOVE him??? That's impossible. You may have an urge to hold on because of the pregnancy...or you may be madly in love with the past...but this dude has turned on you for someone else and has not been decent or kind at all about it.

 

So the problem is with you, NOT him. He is just being the bastXrd he always was and you didn't notice. You are having a real problem realizing that.

 

It is so tragic that you are pregnant when all this happens. It simply underscores his status as a scumbag that he can do something like this to you at this time.

 

You had two children when he met you so you have a history of attracting men like this into your life. Fortunately, this one lasted a bit longer than the others. You need to look at yourself and find out why you attract irresponsible, low class men in your life who will abuse you and abandon you. You may have some childhood issues that affect you now.

 

You also need to learn that a man's background in just as important as the love you feel for him. LOVE SIMPLY IS NOT ENOUGH REASON TO MAKE SOMEONE A PART OF YOUR LIFE. If you love someone who is irresponsible, who has an unstable background, who frequents low-class bars, etc., forget him no matter what attraction you have. I have no doubt you had many hints of his inclination to be unfaithful while you have been with him. When we are in love, we want that feeling to be with us forever so we don't PAY ATTENTION, we overlook in the name of love. It seems so romantic at the time. It sickens me to know I have done the same thing.

 

You tell him he now has a new play toy...but YOU were his new play toy six years ago. Now you will soon have three children and be looking for a decent man from the same pool ladies with no children will be picking from. You obviously are a loving, caring person but unless you get a huge dose of self-esteem and start insisting on being with men who are decent, respectful, and with class, you will be condemned to fourth-string male free agent LOSERS who wander aimlessly looking for somebody like you who will take them on.

 

My words may sound strong but I really care about you and want happiness for you. This will only happen when you get strong and refuse to accept anything but the best. You must also be willing to give your best as well.

 

(I just saw the movie Erin Brockovich, about a single woman with three children, including a newborn. I won't tell you how it ends but she has guts, self-esteem and a big pot of money now. It's a true story. See it!!!)

[Shirley]

I had a boyfriend of six years. He claimed that he loved me more than life, he could not see his life without me. He was good to me and my two children. One day he goes to a bar meets some tramp, and it is over. I have cried, begged and pleaded with him to come back to me, he says no, accept and get on. How can a man who shares six years with someone can just walk away without blinking an eye? I have tried for three months to get him to talk to me to tell me what went wrong, but he avoids me, he will not return my calls, he will not see me. He is always with his new friend. I broke my beack over this man, and the bottom line is that he has nothing to offer me, but I still love him. I am three months pregnant, and he thinks I am a sick person, because I want to have the baby. I am 32 and I am not getting younger, I tell him that he has a new play toy, but when it gets old, I am not going to be here for him. But the sad thing is that I am here. He comes over when he damn pleases, I pay his bills still and he treats me like #####. I cant seem to let go. How do I let him go? Please help

 

Hi!

 

This man used you for six years. Being with you was comfortable for him, he had someone to take care of him. Right now, it's almost like he's moving away from home. Not that he's grown up or anything like that, but he has found new interests. Who knows what his true feelings are, he probably doesn't even know himself. He got bored, and now he's moving on. What you need to do is spend time with people who love you right now. Do you have family and friends who live close? Let them help you with your kids and offer their support for you through your pregnancy. And every chance you get, which I know, probably won't be very often, but every one you get, go out and have some fun. And have nothing more to do with this guy. Don't even talk to him, if he calls, hang up.

[Bliss]

Dear Rachael

 

I know that the last thing you need to hear is that there is something wrong with you - and there isn't. At least you know what you want - he seems as though he's quite lost, and inconsiderate and will pay for his lack of responsibility in life. But that's not your problem any more. You're obviously too good for someone like him and this the universe's way of getting rid of the trash in your life and making way for something better. You are brave, beautiful and strong and all you need to do is realise it. Be miserable for as long as you need to but know that in the end you will be moving forward towards better things (and men)in life. I know - I've thought that my life was ended when my heart was broken by some loser (and I don't have a support system - I have little contact with my family). But I survived (and gone on to better men)and you will too. Look after yourself. All the best.

 

And if Tony is reading this, I suggest that you think carefully before you dispense advice. I suspect that you either have not experienced or dealt with extreme despair and hopelessness in life, and it's easy to say "deal with it" when you haven't. But you can never know how you would react given you had the same life and the same problem. Loving someone is not a crime. Lack of empathy is.

[Tony T]

Dear Bliss:

 

Your point is well taken and I will try to do better. I have found, however, that when many people are stuck in serious love situations, it is necessary to be very firm in advice in order to "unstick" them. I never ever mean to be insensitive and I have been through as many nightmares in life as any. I can empathize with most situations and that's why I give things from a certain perspective at times.

 

That's why it's so great for others to give advice from their perspective. I could be totally wrong...and so has Ann Landers, Dear Abby and President Clinton. Hearing from others gives the person posting the problem a broad range of ideas and alternatives. Hopefully, taking in all the data they can figure out what is best for themselves.

 

You are terrific!!!

[Bliss]

Tony

 

That's OK, your intentions are good. Sometimes people need to hear it hard, and sometimes they just need a lot of reassurance.