Childless women over 35

[Groovy]

I am with my boyfriend who I love everything about but he doesn't want another kid and has a 16 year old. He never liked kids to begin with and got a women pregnant when he was 23 and married her for 13 rocky years.

 

In my 20's I believed I would be happy without a kid. I was focused on education, a career and getting a house. By the time I did that I was about 29 or 30. I was open to the idea of kids, but not in angst over the fact I wasn't a parent. But in the past 2 years between ages 34 to my present age of 36 it has been hard.

 

I have love my boyfriend unlike anyone I have known. I dated him when I was 34 and ended it when I found out he was not into having more kids. We had dated for about a year. He wasn't jumping to get married again either so I left him. He lives down the street and I'd bump into his son a few times a week so it was hard to lose touch. We reunited 5 months ago when he heard some guy I dated was MIA. He said he wants to be married to me now and wishes he hadn't been so closed minded. We are not engaged yet but he is moving into my house. He is taking vacation time just to upgrade electric, lay sod, put fencing up, get a sprinkler system in and I believe he is acting a lot more serious about having a future life with me. He gave up a dog to the pound I didn't care for because it was aggressive to people at times. And with all the work he has started on my house he never asks for anything. I think he just likes making me happy.

 

Being over 35 I think it is hard just to find someone to marry, let alone have kids. By the time 35 hits many men have kids and don't want more or they didn't and they don't desire too. By the time you eliminate the men who don't match spiritually, intellectually and emotionally your left with almost nothing! I read there are 1/3 less single men over 35 then there are women! And I have dated 100 people or so since I was a teenager and never felt as close to anyone. So why should I believe I can find someone like my boyfriend who wants kids and understands who I am? It seems more likely a condom would break, or we'd drink too much and be careless!

 

He has changed a lot in the past year and I am hoping he is a little more open minded when we share more of our lives together about kids. He thinks women over 35 are too old as doctors recommend 20-30 years. I wish he would do it to make my happy and realize I haven't had the opportunity and I want to. That when his son was 5 I was still in school for a few more years ahead of me. I already discussed with him if he doesn't want kids and I get pregnant that I still need him there financially and emotionally. That I expect him to deal with it positively and he agreed like "of course". Someone even suggested I fake an accident. Which I think would ruin the kids and my boyfriends life. I would just feel too selfish. She told me he's being selfish. I can see how he is and isn't.

 

Part of me wonders too if I really want to have no down time, if I want to be woken up all hours of the night and have constant worry with all the bad things that go on today, if I want to never have a sleep in morning for the next 5 years. And then I tell my ovaries to stop tricking me. Stop making me sad when I get my period and how I wish the condom would break. Because it sounds like a special kind of love but there's pregnancy with hemmoroids, vomiting, sleepless nights for years on end and constant worry.

 

Obviously I am not the only one who finds myself here and was hoping to hear what other women felt. Some of us got higher education, had demanding jobs, got married to the wrong person or just didn't have the money it takes and never got our chance. We didn't want to be part of the single got knocked up by some one night stand plight of American society.

 

How do we cope? And with what statistics show how can we leave someone we are in madly in love with when the odds are against us?

[Capricciosa]

If you want a kid, you owe it to yourself to try to have a kid or forever regret it. 35 is still pretty young, both to find the relationship you want and to have a kid. If your bf doesn't want one, doesn't like them, you can't expect him to have one to make you happy, since it will make him miserable. I would say that is a deal breaker. Sorry.

[Walk]

I'm slightly younger then you, but I've been having a somewhat similiar debate with myself. I think my biological clock is clanging rather loudly at the moment.

 

I didn't marry my H based on his sperm viability though. I married him for the amazing qualities and traits he has.

 

I don't know.. I look at all the issues kids have to deal with now, and I wonder if it's even a smart decision to have children. I'm not exactly pulling in tons of money. It would be enough for daily care, but how the heck do you afford college with the way tuition rates are sky rocketing?

 

And then I wonder... what if the child I have is born with autism, or down syndrom? Can I handle that type of responsibility? Am I prepared to take care of a child with special needs for several decades? What if my dream of the healthy baby falls short of reality? What then?

 

I also wonder where I would want my children to go to school. Inner city schools scare me. I was raised in the country and that's an environment I feel I'd be more prepared to deal with. If I want that for my children, then I'd have to move. If I was still working, would I be willing to change jobs? Will there be jobs in my field where I want to work? How far would I have to commute to the job? Would commute time make it too difficult to maintain the job I want and a family?

 

How could we raise a child on one salary? Can my H handle the stress of knowing our entire financial security rests solely on his shoulders. He'd have to give up a great deal of things he still wants to do with his life. How would he feel about that?

 

Anyway.. all I'm saying is, unless you get all those 'what if's' out of the way (or at least mostly hashed out) then you probably shouldn't be seriously contemplating getting pregnant. You'd be better off voluntering with organizations that help children. Spend your time giving children some love and happiness in their lives. Offer to babysit other peoples kids all weekend. Help others. Release some of that "I've gotta have my own kid" by focusing your attention on others for a while. Also talk to your bf about how you're feeling, and your thoughts, and allow him to express his thoughts on the matter. He might be open to the idea of having children with you... he might not. But his feelings from a year ago may have changed since then.

[Angel1111]

This just seems to be a matter of choices right now - do you give up your bf or find someone to have children with? It's a tough choice because when that baby alarm is going off, it's really hard to ignore. Well I was 32 when I had my son and really I was better at that age than having kids at 20 or 30. I was never one who wanted kids either but I do love family so it was quite the dilema for me. I realized later that it wasn't so much that I didn't want to have kids as it was that I was never with anyone that I wanted to have kids with. Now I wish I had 2 or 3 more kids because my son really brings me a lot of happiness. Someday he'll get married and have kids and fill my house with even more happy family members. I really look forward to that. Not having kids is something that possibly positions you for lonliness down the road, unless you already have a big family. Well, I used to but that's another chapter. The thing is, I crave replacing my family and that's why I wish I had more.

 

So for you, I'd say this. If you have a large, loving and connected family, it probably won't phase you too much not to have kids. But if you don't, you're really going to regret this decision. Children are a lot of work but they are also an absolute joy - and a type of insurance for us in our later years. And remember, you cannot undo this decision when you're 60 and decide that 'whoops! I should've had kids.' It'll be too late, and you'll be able to occupy yourself with other things and be happy but why do that to yourself if you don't have to? I'd say that if you really want children, then this is an issue you're going to have to work out with your bf. It's hard to get someone on the same page as you about kids when they're not nuts about them, so don't be surprised that if you do have kids with him, he'll be resentful or the work will be all yours. The other side of that is that he may end up being crazy about them. It's just a gamble.

 

Probably what I would do if I were you is talk to him about it and if he's agreeable, have a couple of kids (you're not at all too old so don't let anyone convince you of that nonsense). Then make sure that your children are well-behaved because this is usually why people don't like kids - because people let them run the house. And also be sure that you don't stop giving him lots of attention or make him feel like he gave up a big piece of you to have them. That way he won't resent them and will still be happy. But if you really want kids, I wouldn't give up this desire. And really nothing is stopping you from going to a sperm bank and having them on your own. A lot harder to raise them that way, of course, but it is an option.

[Enema]

I agree with the others... if you want a kid and you've had the feeling for quite a long time now, then you should have one.

 

But do not under any circumstances, have one with a guy that doesn't want kids. Don't trick him, hope for an accident or try to convince/pressure him into having one.

 

If he doesn't want kids, you need to break it off again and find someone who does.

[Groovy]

I do have a family of 8 so I am not too worried about growing old alone. I even have a significantly older friend who told me he would love to give me children but I am not sure I feel the same way about him as far as a match of everything I share with my boyfriend. Although I could be attracted to him.

 

I have thought of volunteering for little league. I don't think it's the same but I love the idea of being a mentor.

 

As far as having hope, I guess that's where I fall totally short on it all. Every person I met that wants kids is seen as lazy or just unable to have a intellectual conversation. I do not wants kids enough to have them with Mr. Wrong.

 

Nationally, only ten percent of births are from women 35-40. Ninety percent are 20-35. I live in Florida where the average age of marriage is 24 versus Mass where I grew up which is almost 30. When you look at the fact there are 1/3 less single men than women ages 35-40, and look at who matches you on the important factors of finance, intellect, emotion, etc you have eliminated 95% of what's out there. And by the time you take away who wants kids it's looking for a needle in a haystack.

 

Either way I am sure this will come up. I either need to accept it and feel happy with who I am with or talk to him about what troubles me.

[norajane]

I've shared some of your thoughts at times.

 

I've always thought kids might be a choice I'd make, but only if I were with someone I really wanted to do that with, and who also wanted that for us. I'd really need a guy who wanted to be an active dad, because I just don't think I could manage it otherwise. Nor would I want to even if I could. I need it to be a team effort, a lifetime experience we want with each other.

 

I'd also need to want HIS child in particular, because of who he is and the kind of dad he'd be.

 

Is this guy someone you want to raise a child with? Or is he the guy who happens to be around now that you're thinking you want a baby? Is having a child more important to you than having HIS child? Is it ok with you that he really doesn't want a child?

 

Please don't trick him into a pregnancy. You'll drive a deep wedge between you, either because you tell him the truth later, or because you will keep that a big secret between you.

[Groovy]

I do not want to trick anyone! I couldn't live with myself and I don't think it's the way to bring a kid into the world. I want a child with my boyfriend, not just because it's convenient now or I would have one already! My boyfriend has the finances, responsibility and dedication. I see us together happily. He is not perfect but it there for his son. I think he would be there for me too if I could convince him or if something should happen as there is always that chance. Otherwise I would not be having sex with him!

 

People say have a kid if you really want one. It costs about 100,000 by the time their 18 and for a single gal it's not as easy to say I want one and then go get one.

[Ronni_W]

If you want a kid, you owe it to yourself to try to have a kid or forever regret it. 35 is still pretty young, both to find the relationship you want and to have a kid. If your bf doesn't want one, doesn't like them, you can't expect him to have one

I agree with this line of thinking. You do owe it to yourself to find the "right" man with whom you can have the children you BOTH desire. Your current b/f is not that man.

 

This cannot be a good way: "If you really wanted to make me happy (if you really loved me), you'd undertake to sacrifice your entire current life, to change everything that you now hold dear, to reinvent your identity, your sense of who you are and will be, your life purpose and direction. Oh, and you would also take on HUGE responsibilities and obligations that'll last the rest of your natural days." That doesn't at all take his feelings and desires into account. It doesn't acknowledge the significance and importance that he places on NOT having another child.

 

Becoming a parent, yes, is "happiness fulfillment" for some. For your current b/f it won't be that. Asking him to do all of that just for you and just because you "haven't had the chance", isn't reasonable.

It is not like asking him to take you on your vacation of a lifetime, or buy you the home of your dreams, or even get married to you. And it is asking him to do something that will have major and lasting consequences to him, which he has clearly expressed he does not want for himself.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

I think you should have sex like crazy with anybody.

 

Just go to a club and pick up any guy. Whatever.

 

Just go and get pregnant, date any guy that is willing to have sex without a condom. Date lots of guys if you have to, be slutty and promiscuous, who cares.

 

Just don't sue him for money and deal with the baby yourself, but let him know he has a baby.

 

It's pretty easy to get pregnant and you shouldn't be in all this drama about your bf not giving you his sperm.

 

Do it now and don't waste any more time.

 

Good luck.

[Groovy]

Adriadne, I am not sure if your serious or not! Great, I can have a kid but lose my house cuz' I am knocked up by some guy at the bar and I don't know his first name, lol.

 

He sometimes starts sex without a condom and I used to try and stop him. Now I say go for it and whatever happens your accountable. I think he gets caught up in the moment. He wants to see the movie "baby momma" about an infertile women who is in her late 30's. Pardon me, but why the f%$# would I want to see that? Is not he totally oblivious? He already knows I want kids and don't have any so have some common sense.

 

I know it is wrong to crunch statistics in my head to solve life issues but sometimes the facts is all I feel I can rely on. I wish there were more women over 35 who have happy endings. I just don't know that many.

 

I am thinking I will live with him a few months and see if he changes his tune or relaxes enough where it may happen. And if not I will take it from there. He already got rid of all his stuff and have notice he is leaving his apartment. He already told his son. Part of me feels like I should give this a chance. Buy I need to be fair to myself too. Who knows, maybe having his teenager here on the weekends will kill any desire for kids!

[Ariadne]

Adriadne, I am not sure if your serious or not! Great, I can have a kid but lose my house, lol.

 

No, I'm very serious.

 

Why would you lose the house?

 

And in order to get pregnant you have to have sex a lot. If he does it without a condom once a week maybe then it's not going to happen.

 

But if you find out your days that you are fertile, you can always go to a club where guys are desperate to have sex and usually kind of drunk so they don't care for condoms.

 

Choose a cute one and that's it.

 

But good luck though.

[Groovy]

How do I know the guy doesn't have AIDS, smokes crack in his free time or is unemployed?

[Angel1111]

I do not want to trick anyone! I couldn't live with myself and I don't think it's the way to bring a kid into the world. I want a child with my boyfriend, not just because it's convenient now or I would have one already! My boyfriend has the finances, responsibility and dedication. I see us together happily. He is not perfect but it there for his son. I think he would be there for me too if I could convince him or if something should happen as there is always that chance. Otherwise I would not be having sex with him!

 

People say have a kid if you really want one. It costs about 100,000 by the time their 18 and for a single gal it's not as easy to say I want one and then go get one.

 

Girlfriend, you're cracking me up with all these statistics and numbers! Good grief, give it a rest. ha! ha! You must be an accountant, or something along those lines. Too funny!

 

I have a friend who owns a company and he told me that the biggest reason why corporations fail (sorry, I don't know the exact statistics) is because those companies are run by accountants. Not to say that accountants aren't smart, but they lose the thread with being able to see the big picture. So I'm going to say that by the way you're running these numbers for this issue, you're about to bankrupt your company (i.e., your life, in this case). That stuff is only a very small piece of the puzzle and has nothing to do with you in terms of preference or anything else.

 

Either you want kids or not. Either it's really important to you, or not. You're not too old - you wouldn't be too old as long as you could conceive them. Stop listening to all the warnings and statistics and dollar figures. Basically what you're going to have to do is choose between your bf and children. Personally, my vote goes to the guy who said he would have kids with you that you could be attracted to. He's probably your best bet.

[Walk]

He wants to see the movie "baby momma" about an infertile women who is in her late 30's. Pardon me, but why the f%$# would I want to see that? Is not he totally oblivious? He already knows I want kids and don't have any so have some common sense.

 

That makes me think he doesn't really know how deep your desire for kids goes. If you expressed it like you did in the original post here. It reads as though you are on the fence about wanting a child. Like it'd be nice, but if you never do then it's okay.

 

I get the feeling you haven't really discussed this topic in-depth with your bf. You may have mentioned it, but I'd be surprised if he was aware of your true feelings.

 

Seriously.. talk to him again.

 

And I believe you're smart enough to avoid the "have sex with anyone who's willing" statement. But to Ariadne, there's nothing like an STD to brighten up your day!

[Angel1111]

Oh, and I'll bet you 5 to 1 that 90% of the women who sacrifice 100% of their children for....ok, just kidding. I couldn't resist. You're too cute.

[Groovy]

Angel111, you are too funny! My ex one day thumped my on the chest one day and said to me one day you feel it here in your heart but here you don't feel it as he knocked on my head telling me to get out of my thought and into my heart. (He ended up as a deadbeat but that's another story). I am told I am a person of statistics who knows so many useless facts. My father is a scientist (PH.d in nuclear physics) so I blame him! Just kidding.....

 

As far as my boyfriend knowing how I feel....when I saw him 5 months ago I had just gotten dumped. I think I was feeling stupid and he said he loved me more than anything, he still had pictures of me all over his house. I get ready to leave and say nice to know ya sory your still in love but part of me was so sick of dating men who can't even be a friend to me. I told him he and I were on diffrent paths and I should just leave. I gave his son a ride from Bestbuy. He told me no kids but then again he told me no marriage and is giving up his life for me. His pet, his home, his money and his teenager son who will be in my home with us.......

 

Now though he doesn't comment I am too old or freak out over little issues like a period a few days late, or comments I have. Not the progress I will probably be happy with 6 months. I just look at how far he is with marraige and think I at least owe him sometime to look at what we mean together. But maybe I am fooling myself....

[Groovy]

Oh, and I'll bet you 5 to 1 that 90% of the women who sacrifice 100% of their children for....ok, just kidding. I couldn't resist. You're too cute.

 

How did you know 5 to 1 that 90% of the women who sacrifice 100% of their children for goats are....

[Angel1111]

Angel111, you are too funny! My ex one day thumped my on the chest one day and said to me one day you feel it here in your heart but here you don't feel it as he knocked on my head telling me to get out of my thought and into my heart. (He ended up as a deadbeat but that's another story). I am told I am a person of statistics who knows so many useless facts. My father is a scientist (PH.d in nuclear physics) so I blame him! Just kidding.....

 

As far as my boyfriend knowing how I feel....when I saw him 5 months ago I had just gotten dumped. I think I was feeling stupid and he said he loved me more than anything, he still had pictures of me all over his house. I get ready to leave and say nice to know ya sory your still in love but part of me was so sick of dating men who can't even be a friend to me. I told him he and I were on diffrent paths and I should just leave. I gave his son a ride from Bestbuy. He told me no kids but then again he told me no marriage and is giving up his life for me. His pet, his home, his money and his teenager son who will be in my home with us.......

 

Now though he doesn't comment I am too old or freak out over little issues like a period a few days late, or comments I have. Not the progress I will probably be happy with 6 months. I just look at how far he is with marraige and think I at least owe him sometime to look at what we mean together. But maybe I am fooling myself....

 

hee! hee! I'll bet you can even wear out your dad.

 

Well your bf sounds like a great guy but it also sounds like you're going to drag him kicking and screaming to the alter (not the sacrificial type of alter but the wedding type), and to the maternity ward. Sounds like a lot of work but maybe 1 case in 100 would work out. There might even be that 1 man in 1,000,000 who didn't want to marry or have kids who ended up changing his mind. I think 4 out of 5 dentists wouldn't recommend this chewing gum.

[Angel1111]

How did you know 5 to 1 that 90% of the women who sacrifice 100% of their children for goats are....

 

Now you're just being silly. The only women who would do that are the ones who needed someone to mow the yard. And any smart woman knows that once they get that brat raised and brung up proper, that grass will get chopped right on up. Then you don't need no goats.

 

90% of the time anway in 50% of 1,000 cases....

[marlena]

Either you want kids or not. Either it's really important to you, or not. You're not too old - you wouldn't be too old as long as you could conceive them. Stop listening to all the warnings and statistics and dollar figures. Basically what you're going to have to do is choose between your bf and children.

 

Yes, why are you fretting so? Lot's of people have kids under less- than- perfect conditions and everything just turns out fine as long as both parties put in the effort.

 

You shouldn't have to talk your boyfriend into having kids. He should want to have children just as much as you do. If he doesn't, it's his prerogative, just as much as wanting to have kids is yours, and both of you should respect eachother's stance on the issue.

 

If having children is so very important to you, it's time to end your relationship with this man and move on. Unless of course he agrees or loves you enough to change his POV not through coercion but because he truly cares about your happiness. Or vice versa. You have to sacrifice your desire and need. Somehow, I don't think you can do this without one day regretting it and harbouring resentment towards him. That would be a disaster.

 

My experience is that men who do not want children really mean it and usually,not always, turn out to make terrible fathers. They resent the responsibility and the limitations on their freedom.

 

So, really, it is up to you to think long and hard and do what is best for you and you alone. If this is a dealbreaker for you then you have to tell him so and look for someone else who is on the same page as you on this.

[Groovy]

Uhggh! I have been cutting half an acre of grass mysef in the florida sun for 5 years. My unmatched but awesome boyfriend will do it for now I guess. Never researched chewing gum.......

 

We have a 100 pound Dobie and a mutt I have that weighs 75 pounds. Forgot the person who said get a dog together. I never worry about the doggies the way I would his son or my own kid....... get good grades in basic obedience, sit when I tell you, yadda yadaa yadda. Dogs are not kids.....

[Angel1111]

Uhggh! I have been cutting half an acre of grass mysef in the florida sun for 5 years. My unmatched but awesome boyfriend will do it for now I guess. Never researched chewing gum.......

 

We have a 100 pound Dobie and a mutt I have that weighs 75 pounds. Forgot the person who said get a dog together. I never worry about the doggies the way I would his son or my own kid....... get good grades in basic obedience, sit when I tell you, yadda yadaa yadda. Dogs are not kids.....

 

Dogs drool and whine and slobber all over you. Hmmm....come to think of it, that kinda describes kids, too.

 

But don't put your kids' food bowl on the floor. People will look at you funny.

 

Well, smart people usually have smart kids. We sure could use some interspersed here and there around the world. (I'm appealing to your ego now - did you notice?) You know a mind is a terrible thing to waste.

 

Now if you could only stop overnoodling this long enough to have those brats....

[Capricciosa]

The few guys that I've gone out with who have teenaged children simply do not want to go through the whole experience, cost, responsibility of having a baby all over again. They are finally free to live their lives again. I think a woman would feel the same way. And if history tells me anything, a good number of relationships don't last forever. You may choose your bf now, have a good 5 years with him or 10, then find youself on your own without him or the child you want. Then you will have regrets, and it will be too late.

[Groovy]

I have 1 month before he moves in. His son likes me and is excited. If I choose to go through with it having his 16 year old son may help me decide if I really want kids. As you can tell I do and I don't.

 

The two men willing to have my kid, one acted like a child with house and financial repsonsibilities and the other one is a great guy but 20 years older. He's actually attractive but I do not want to be at his aid by the time my kids hit 18. (It bugs me his kids are in their late 20's already)

 

Part of me just feels blessed to be with a wonderful guy, whether or not he wants kids. Part of me knows I may resent this later and right now things are not clear to me so I am hesitant to leave. All I can do is give it time to see how important it is to me.

 

If we live together I may save enough money to adopt. If I did he can stay or go, his choice. I may also live with the son on the weekends and find I do not want kids. I am entitled to get to know other people as friends and maybe more if things ended. My eyes are more open now. If I start meeting men who want kids and are decent men with this desire still there I will not ignore it like before. In Florida people marry young and I think most men my age are done with what they wanted as far as kids go. On an episode of Two and Half men a 40 something tells Alan "At my age you had me at a I have a job and a penis. Boy can I relate and unless your over 35 and a single female you probably can't get into my logic.

 

I will admit I have given up on the over 35 single man. This man is usually a commitment phobe, living with mom and dad, unemployed, playing the field forever, has kids he never sees, is a closet gay, 25 years older, yadda yadda yadda! I have dated enough men to make a town and have yet to find someone I even want to talk to again yet alone love every day. That's a lot to leave so I want to give myself time to think about it but not too much time:)