Childless women over 35

[angie2443]

I have 1 month before he moves in. His son likes me and is excited. If I choose to go through with it having his 16 year old son may help me decide if I really want kids. As you can tell I do and I don't.

 

The two men willing to have my kid, one acted like a child with house and financial repsonsibilities and the other one is a great guy but 20 years older. He's actually attractive but I do not want to be at his aid by the time my kids hit 18. (It bugs me his kids are in their late 20's already)

 

Part of me just feels blessed to be with a wonderful guy, whether or not he wants kids. Part of me knows I may resent this later and right now things are not clear to me so I am hesitant to leave. All I can do is give it time to see how important it is to me.

 

If we live together I may save enough money to adopt. If I did he can stay or go, his choice. I may also live with the son on the weekends and find I do not want kids. I am entitled to get to know other people as friends and maybe more if things ended. My eyes are more open now. If I start meeting men who want kids and are decent men with this desire still there I will not ignore it like before. In Florida people marry young and I think most men my age are done with what they wanted as far as kids go. On an episode of Two and Half men a 40 something tells Alan "At my age you had me at a I have a job and a penis. Boy can I relate and unless your over 35 and a single female you probably can't get into my logic.

 

I will admit I have given up on the over 35 single man. This man is usually a commitment phobe, living with mom and dad, unemployed, playing the field forever, has kids he never sees, is a closet gay, 25 years older, yadda yadda yadda! I have dated enough men to make a town and have yet to find someone I even want to talk to again yet alone love every day. That's a lot to leave so I want to give myself time to think about it but not too much time:)

 

 

I wouldn't go with the older guy just to have kids. Men's sperm quality declines past age 40 and you are more likely to end up with genetic problems and have problems getting pregnant in the first place. Of course, it is possible to get pregnant with a 50 year old and have a healthy child, but your chances are better with someone younger.

 

A 16 year old is not going to give you any clue as to how it is to have a baby. A lot of 16 year olds might scare you off from having kids because they are going through that indepentant, rebellious stage (as they should) and you might not see how wonderful it is to have a child because you are overwhelmed by the 16 year olds behaviors and attitudes.

 

Good luck.

[ladyintights]

your years are running out quick. look at how quickly the past 15 years have flew by. you have what? 5 years tops possibly to find a man, create a meaningful relationship and then plunge out a kid? The kid might have deformities and need to be electively miscarried etc. You can always adopt alone or go to the local sperm bank and then this man either accepts it later or doesnt. but the odds of falling in love with someone else in a few years is pretty slim. good men are hard to come by as it is and by your age the good ones are taken! GL!

[ladyintights]

How do I know the guy doesn't have AIDS, smokes crack in his free time or is unemployed?

 

 

What does it matter when you plan to raise the kid alone? Go to a local sperm bank! There are many single women out there who if they really want children, have MANY MANY options these days. There is no excuse to be this heartbroken when you have the options. Adoption is another to consider. You dont need a man to give you permission for children. Would this man really cross you out of his life if you had your own child, one you take complete responsibility for? You really need some time to think over this entire relationship before you take it further and live together? You really want to be a desperate over 40 year old woman second guessing her past decisions and doing anything possible to try getting pregnant?

I mean, this man's kid is almost and adult and soon out of the house! What makes you think he would change his mind when he would finally have a greater level of freedom back into his life? Who would want to start all over again????

[ladyintights]

Someone even suggested I fake an accident. Which I think would ruin the kids and my boyfriends life. I would just feel too selfish. She told me he's being selfish. I can see how he is and isn't.

 

 

WOW! GET NEW FRIENDS! Honestly, that's as low as someone could go.

You both are being selfish imo, but at least he is honest with himself on what he can handle. Wouldn't it be worse to promise a woman the world and children and then turn out to be a miserable father who took very little responsibility in that child's life?

Again, you do NOT NEED TO TRAP A MAN in order to have a child! There are sperm banks and adoption for this very purpose! There is no need to go against another person's wishes in order to have a child! Would you want someone to force you into 5 children if you didnt want it?

[Quinch]

Groovy, is it more important to you to have children or to be in a loving relationship with someone who makes you happy in every other respect?

 

You can't always have everything your own way

[Groovy]

WOW! GET NEW FRIENDS! Honestly, that's as low as someone could go.

You both are being selfish imo, but at least he is honest with himself on what he can handle. Wouldn't it be worse to promise a woman the world and children and then turn out to be a miserable father who took very little responsibility in that child's life?

Again, you do NOT NEED TO TRAP A MAN in order to have a child! There are sperm banks and adoption for this very purpose! There is no need to go against another person's wishes in order to have a child! Would you want someone to force you into 5 children if you didnt want it?

 

Just for clarification I never stated she was my friend and I never stated I supported her idea. In fact in my posts I have clearly said I find the idea of tricking someone disastrous and selfish. So please read my post before calling me selfish!

 

I have thought of all the awesome things about having a kid and not having a kid. I would be happy to have one but honestly a lot of good things come from being single too! I do love him and I guess I just don't want kids enough because I just don't think I'd be as happy if I left his side.

 

The problem with adoption is many single people want kids but they cost $20,000/ annually if not more. So if I wanted to lose my home, ruin good credit and collect food stamps adoption is great. I DO NOT agree with tricking a man into children but I think some women do it because at least this way they get financial child support, even if the emotional support is not there. It's one of our pitfalls of society and I am sure MANY women's accidents were easily preventable.

 

Kids....

Getting up at 6 AM, even if I am sick

Worrying about drugs, gangs, teenage pregnancy, bullying, etc

Falling into debt with unexpected expenses as raising a kid is very costly now

Stress

Lack of Freedom

Lack of Peace and Quiet

Not getting a full night sleep

Interrupted Sex

Time and energy taken out of other relationships

Less time to enjoy life with a career, travel, home ownership, etc

 

Yes, they are great. Nothing is black and white. I guess now that we are seriously committed I am making sure this is everything I wanted:)

[torranceshipman]

Interestingly, new studies have come out that indicate that the age of the man is just as decisive as the age of the women in determining the couples fertility. For men, I think fertility is in decline early-mid 40's, for women, you're generally safe up until about 38. So you have time! I think if you are very broody and really want kids...I agree that you should have kids. Whether that means being with a different partner or saying to this one you cant be with him long term without them....I cant offer a great solution!-but its a natural urge that you have and its very unfair on you to never be able to raise a family.

[OWoman]

Groovy, women are having healthy children deep into their 40s these days. With better diagnostics, nutrition and medical care, many of the risks have been lessened. You needn't panic just yet about time running out.

 

However - as others have said, you need to decide exactly how important an issue this is for you. Imagine yourself in 15 years time - how important to that picture is having mini-mes draped all over the couch? How important is it having your bf at your side, in that picture? If it were one or the other, which picture appeals more.

 

I have kids. I've step-parented other kids, and am currently doing so again. It's a huge commitment. Your life is never your own again. Your hopes, dreams, desires and goals are forever parked in second place. Your independence vanishes. Your life, your youth, your sense of self - are all replaced by this other persona, this role of "parent" that takes precedence over everything else. Your bf has been through it once - he knows the costs. You need to consider carefully whether you're willing to pay those costs. Some are, some aren't.

 

I didn't choose to be a parent, and given the choice, I would have chosen not to be one. Which is not to say I don't love my kids - or stepkids - or that I resent them or am angry or bitter towards them. But if I found myself back then, when I discovered that I was pregnant (on the Pill), if I had the options open to me then that people have now, I'd have done something about it and led a life of my choosing rather. Being a parent is a dog's life, though luckily it gets better as the kids grow older. Enjoy your bf's son - you're getting the best of both worlds by step-parenting him.

[taylor]

Groovy,

 

I know of a couple who split over this issue after living together for almost a year. She was 28. He was 30 with two children from a previous marriage. I thought it was a smart, mature move. She wanted children. He wanted no more. They respected each other's desires.

 

Two more things to consider:

 

How would you feel if you and your BF split up in 5 years. You would be 40 yo and still childless. Would you regret your decision to forfeit children for this relationship. Check out the statistics regarding the success of co-habitating couples.

 

You seem to discount younger men, say 26-32 yo. I would think there would be a number of men in this age group interested in settling down and having families. Some even have decent jobs.

 

BTW, my grandmother had my uncle when she was 50 yo. He was the last of 12 and perfectly healthy.

 

I agree with posters who say you are fretting too much. The decision to have children needs to be made with your head AND heart. Many children come into the world without alot of thought being put into the decision but parents get through it and children turn out alright if there is still alot of love. The worst scenario, I think, is children being born to parents who can't put their heart into it. These children suffer the most.

 

I say, follow your heart with a little guidance from your head. I don't think you can go wrong that way. Good luck.