A letter to the BS

[Agent_99]

Someone wrote a letter to MW's partner. I obviously haven't read it. I guess P ripped it up after she let MW read it.

 

The letter outlined how MW could be caught, as well as saying that this person has seen us at work in my car together kissing.

 

MW thinks she knows who it is. I'm not sure, as I don't know this person well. My mom thinks it was P trying to create an opening, as she's possibly not afraid spying on MW. But I'm not sure that's realistic either.

 

I guess P believes that nothing is going on, according to MW. But that P was 'weird' about it, didn't react in a normal fashion.

 

We decided to back off for a while. I am just not willing for us to be together because we got caught. If MW stepped up and left P it would be different. I'd still feel like second best the other way.

 

On another note, the dating scene is SLOW, but i've had some good emails from a personal ad I placed. I've been making plans with friends and going out more. I'm doing really well emotionally, very stable. This letter thing threw me off a little, but I'm using my days off this week, to take care of myself. Although I think I'm going to find someone to have dinner with tonight.

 

I don't think I'm really looking for advice, just wanted to share what's up with me.

 

~99

[noforgiveness]

You discuss sneaking around with a married woman with your mom?

[wildsoul]

We decided to back off for a while. I am just not willing for us to be together because we got caught.

Yikes. This must be a little sobering. You were planning on backing off anyway. This just reaffirms that as the right thing to do.

 

One of the thing that contributed to my breaking up with my MM was imagining what would happen if his W found out we were together after he moved back home with her. Unlike you, I didn't think for one nano-second that she would throw him out and I'd end up with him by default (2nd place not being a great win.) No. The most likely scenario would be that A) they would stay together, but that B) she would insist he had NC with me in any capacity. Any couple who wants to "work on their R" after an A, knows that contact with the OP must be stopped.

 

Seemed better to me to be the one in charge of the break up, rather than for him to get caught, and for me to get booted out by a (justifiably) angry W. Yanno?

 

PS: This reminds me of an early post of yours, where you were wondering if MW was maybe hoping to get caught. Even if she did, it doesn't mean MW would be single. More likely, it would mean MW would forced by her W to break up with you.

[Agent_99]

You discuss sneaking around with a married woman with your mom?

 

Yes I do, my mom is one of my closest friends.

 

Yikes. This must be a little sobering. You were planning on backing off anyway. This just reaffirms that as the right thing to do.

 

One of the thing that contributed to my breaking up with my MM was imagining what would happen if his W found out we were together after he moved back home with her. Unlike you, I didn't think for one nano-second that she would throw him out and I'd end up with him by default (2nd place not being a great win.) No. The most likely scenario would be that A) they would stay together, but that B) she would insist he had NC with me in any capacity. Any couple who wants to "work on their R" after an A, knows that contact with the OP must be stopped.

 

Seemed better to me to be the one in charge of the break up, rather than for him to get caught, and for me to get booted out by a (justifiably) angry W. Yanno?

 

PS: This reminds me of an early post of yours, where you were wondering if MW was maybe hoping to get caught. Even if she did, it doesn't mean MW would be single. More likely, it would mean MW would forced by her W to break up with you.

 

We have been backing off more and more, this just means less face to face contact at lunch. We are now only seeing each other outside of work about every two weeks. So WAY down from several times a week.

 

MW's P knew about the affair but thinks it ended this last spring. She also knows that MW and I talk to each other and sometimes spend lunchtime talking. MW has plainly stated to her P that she and I are going to be casual friends(as far as I'm told that is). P says I am not allowed at house or near children and that she would have serious issues with us going out for whatever.

 

That's the thing we were found out once before, and she didn't leave. I think that from what I know that this letter says. partner prefers to keep her head buried in the sand, which works for MW. MW does not want to leave due to kids, financial, and still having feelings for her P. I'm pretty okay with that anymore. THe letter outlined some very good ways to catch MW cheating, ways that MW wouldn't have thought of and yet P showed MW the letter the day she got it.

 

I also think that she might try to force NC if there was REAL proof (real in her eyes) and I think that MW would follow through to an extent.

 

I've come to the conclusion that MW really DOESN'T want any sort of a life for me. If she did, nothing would have stopped that from happening. What she does want it my friendship, the connection that we share, the physical intimacy, and the good times that we have.

 

I like feeling exciting and sexy. After years of thinking I had NO libido it is great. I like that I have someone I can talk to about anything. So I'm happy with the way things are. AND i'm am trying to get out and date other women.

 

I'm a lot better now that I've let go of hoping that somehow someway she'll leave her partner. Now that I clearly understand what I am to her, and where I stand I feel able and ready to move on while slowly ending the physical part of our relationship and moving into 'just friends'.

 

To be clear, it doesn't change the fact the I love her more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone, I'm just being realistic about how that love can be expressed, and about how a relationship would work between us.

 

Baby steps

 

~99

[wildsoul]

You seem to be doing so much better! Not many can do the fade-out, but so far it looks like it's working for you.

[Agent_99]

Yes we'll see. I had to try something different since straight NC was not working, never did work, just couldn't make it work. I'm not sure if it's just that I'm not masochistic enough to end it all at once or if I'm so masochistic that I am drawing the end out Sort of a joke.

 

Yes so far it really is working for me. I am realistic enough to know that there will be road bumps at some point.

 

~99

[jj33]

99 you sound like you are doing great (and if I was a lesbian I would ask for your email too). Its too bad that someone had to be so small minded as to send P the letter. But perhaps an opportunity for you to move on.

 

If they have chlidren together that is very tricky. And it makes sense why P might put her head in the sand. I knew a couple once who had children together and it was even more of a bond than when a heterosexual couple has children together. The challenges are so much greater.

 

I agree total NC is very difficult when you have to see the person. Its just not realistic. You sound like a great woman and I hope the personal ads lead you to the woman of your dreams. As much as it hurts now I think when we meet someone else and are in a good and healthy relationship we will look back and say what was I thinking... why did I grieve so relentlessly over something that was so messy and so screwed up?

[Agent_99]

jj~

yes the letter thing is really upsetting, from the sounds of it this person just went through a divorce where her H cheated. We talked last night, and it's gonna be a couple of weeks until we can see each other, so I'm thinking it's pretty much over. I'm not a patient person, and I think I've been pretty clear with her that if she doesn't have time for me, then what's the point for me?

As for the children thing. YES YES YES MW has stated to me SO SO SO many times how she could never take her kids away from P, even though P does not respect the boudaries and rules that MW wants in place. And I know that P wouldn't want to loose MW's kids either. They've been together for almost 10 years now. And for whatever reason MW thinks that P wouldn't have anything to do with kids, and P thinks that MW would move away, thus taking kids away.

 

~99

[jj33]

OK so they are MWs kids not children they had together or adopted together. But of course if P and MW were not together P wouldnt get to be a Mom anymore in the sense that she is now. That is difficult. Sadly underscores why you are doing the right thing.

[Agent_99]

P isn't really involved with the kids. She works three jobs so she's hardly home. Sunday mornings are it. Saturdays are supposed to be their family day, but half the time P makes plans and goes out with friends instead, even breaking plans with family to do so.

Before the A started I was really attached to these kids, mine and thiers are friends, i would babysit etc. Well even after the A I was still attached, but since there is no longer an open friendship. . .

 

But I do know I'm doing the right thing for me. MW will eventually find another affair, just one that she won't fall in love with, more of the one night stand variety when she's out of town at confrences and such. She never meant to fall for me either, and it actually screwed up her plans for an A, made it harder.

 

Well i've babbled enough this time.

 

~99

[jj33]

OMG does she know the man I was involved with? Separated at birth - falling in love was not part of the plan - a big no no.... Oh those naughty feelings not supposed to let them escape. Must suppress them at any cost.

 

And I thought when you find a really great loving relationship it should be a happy moment. Silly me. Not if your plan is to immunize yourself from every really feeling things so you can preserve the status quo....

 

Just remember that - she did fall for you - you shared something special but she is wedded to her "plan". And its not your plan.

[jj33]

Actaully am not sure I believe that entirely. Noone gets invovled with someone they fall in love with by mistake - if you are as adept as they are at compartmentalizing and having a bit on the side you know what is safe and what is not. Seems to me they couldnt resist the emotional connection. But in the end they couldnt forsake the status quo. Im not easy and care free and going with the flow . If someone is looking solely for sex theyd run from me. But there you go. Sometimes even the best compartmentalizers crack.

[Agent_99]

jj~ On one hand you've made me laugh on the other cry. Part of it I'mjust having a bad day. I work nights and haven't slept good yet this week, I'm missing regular contact with MW. And everything you said is soo freakin true! She was looking for someone who would love her for her, she just didn't realize that she could love someone too. Ha what a joke. Right now she is rigidly compartmetalizing, but there doesn't seem to be a box for me to fit in.

 

I'm aware of the fact that I want to move on, I guess I just wanted to do it on my terms ) Silly me, thinking that once again I could have control over a situation that I cannot. I am not a go with the flow kind of person either. It actually seems like a similar convo that I've had with MW! She always talks about trying to go with the flow, and damn it, I just can't.

 

I hate that once again, I find myself full of fears and hurt!!!!!!

 

Well back to the basics of taking care of myself, working on NOT worrying about her and her actions. I think this whole letter thing got me caught up emotionally again.

 

~99

[jj33]

Hey there sweetie. Just remember when the MP says go with the flow they mean do things on my terms. Go against your principles and forget about your emotoinal needs go with the flow and do it MY way....

 

It is sad for them and perhaps we have been a lesson in their lives. But we cant fix them. They will stop compartmentalizing when they decide its time (if ever).

 

And we learned from them too. If nothing else we learned to take better care of ourselves in the future and not to sign up to going with a flow that rips our insides to shreds no matter how much you think you love the person.

 

And I am the same about control. I never realized how controlling I was until recently. I have been trying to control the outcome of our communications lately how when what where - if only to get him out of my head and put this thing behind me. But it cant be done not when 2 people are involved. And really they need to feel their own pain. We have been bearing the pain for them. Let her feel the pain of missing you. Let her feel the pain of being without the emotional connection.

 

And let yourself be free of the feeling that your needs arent being met. Your needs are just as important as hers. You dont have to martyr yourself for her love.

 

Big hugs