Troublesome sister - at the end of our tethers!!

[Isabelle]

My 27 year old sister is acting more like a teenager now than she did when she was a teenager.

 

One of her friends rang up to talk to her last night. I told him she wasn’t home yet and I casually asked him if he got home ok last weekend (she was meant to meet him at the train station and take him home). He said he was an hour late and apparently that’s why they broke up. I said to him, “broke up? I didn’t even know the two of you were an item”. He was shocked when I told him this. Of course, I apologized for opening my big trap. Naturally, he wants answers, which I can’t give of course. I don’t know what the hell is going on in her head.

 

The gist of this is that I am sick to bloody death of the way she sneaks around, doesn’t tell anyone where she’s going and basically locks herself in her room all night and ignores everyone else in the family, chit-chats on the phone etc. Yes, I know – she’s 27 and she’s entitled to a life but this is not the first time a ‘boyfriend’ has said to me “What the hell is going on with her?”. It’s the 3rd time. On numerous occasions my gut has told me that she might be cheating and I think that her previous boyfriend’s have felt the same. But who am I to say?? She tells me nothing at all.

 

She is extremely secretive and she makes my mother and I look like absolute fools when guys who obviously don’t fall for her weak, wishy-washy excuses confront us.

 

As I mentioned, this is the third time (and the third guy) who has been in a situation like this. It’s embarrassing, quite frankly. None of these guys could understand why I know nothing. I live with my sister and I know nothing. Zilcho. Nada. I just don’t think it’s fair that my mother and I aren’t shown a little bit of respect and that she puts herself in situations where my mother and I are put on the spot.

 

I’m sorry if I sound like a judgmental so-and-so but we’re all so truly fed up with her cr*p. mean, why can’t she just say “I’m going to Bob’s. Not sure if I’ll be home, I’ll let you know”. Why so secretive? She never used to be like this and out instincts tell us that she’s hiding something. As my mother put it, she traipses in an out of the house as if it were a hotel and doesn’t show anybody any courtesy by telling us she’s going out or even saying goodbye sometimes. My mother, especially, would like to know where she’s headed incase we need to contact her for some reason (my sister doesn’t have a mobile phone).

 

However, here’s the main problem - what should we say to her? She can be quite volatile and we’re just so tired of it all. If she wasn’t living with us, it wouldn’t be an issue but when she’s living under the same roof as my mother…

[midori]

Wow, I had some self-inflicted problems posting this reply. Sorry if I caused any confusion on this thread. I think I got it straightened out.

 

Anyway ....

 

I don't think the guys she is or was involved with have any right to confront you or your mother about anything. Your sister is 27 years old. You are not supposed to vouch for her, explain her, or make excuses for her. Their problem is with her, and they should leave you out of it.

 

If they do confront you about your sister, I'd just say, "look I don't talk to her much about her personal life so I'm afraid I can't help you. You'll have to talk to her.

 

Maybe you should tell your sister that you don't want her giving your home number out to any of her gentlemen friends -- platonic or otherwise. She can give them her mobile number, and if she doesn't have a mobile phone, she can get one. She's 27 years old after all, and still living at home. Surely she can afford her own phone. Tell her that her complicated love life makes things annoyingly awkward for you and your mother, and you don't want to deal with it anymore.

 

And in future, if the phone rings and it's one of her male friends, tell them that she can no longer be reached at your number, and give him her mobile number to call. You're not an answering service. If he calls again -- wondering where she is or what's going on -- tell him you're sorry, you don't know what's going on with her, but you asked him to call her on her mobile and that is what he needs to do. Don't answer any questions about what is going on with her. Not your problem.