A li'l bit of a Friendzone Situation

[pier39lab]

Hello there,

 

I'm deeply in love with a girl who once was my classmate for 3 years in high school. She wasn't a friend of mine and I can count the number of words that I conversed with her back then. So basically it's like "some girl" in my class. I found her really cute but I never had a crush on her.

After a gap of 8 years, we met on facebook (she wasn't there for long though) and instead of messaging me on facebook, she preferred emailing me or anyone else to conserve privacy, I reckon.

I was in Canada for higher studies and she was in India, therefore emailing was the best way we could keep in touch.

The emails kept growing in number from a few words to pages to several hundred emails a month.

 

Now, about the girl: She's 22 (I'm 22 as well) She's always been single and she's always preferred to stay single to ward off any perils of a relationship until her parents find her a guy to get married with. She simply doesn't like the idea of marriage cause she enjoys being independent but she can't help that as her folks wouldn't let her do what she wishes.

The cons are that she doesn't express emotions a lot, bottles them up all the time.

 

[We're Indians so when it gets to love stuff, it's overly different from the west cause a lot of people here still believe in the "Arrange marriage" concept and strictly abide by that despising "LOVE" before marriage. Not every parents are that way and I'm happy mine aren't.

You guessed it right, her parents are orthodoxy!]

She hates talking about cute guys, love, relationships or anything pertaining to that like my other girl-friends do all the time. So she's an anomaly.

 

She became closer to me when she badly needed couple DVDs and I sent her all the way and that's how we built the relation.

Looking at the way she cared, being generous and showing her concern towards me, I inevitably developed feelings for her and in the spur-of-the-moment I declared that to her in less than a month and a half so I could come clean of what I was intending.

I thought she liked me too but all she came up was with "we can only be friends, best buddies!" I was severely disheartened. I didn't give up so I kept going; being her best friend ever, assuming that the relationship could get on to the next level.

I thought professing my feelings to her would back her off but she never did. She continued to stay the same, but oblivious.

 

After about 15 days of talking, I admitted that my feelings were growing Topsy-turvy and asked her if she did as well cause I felt she did too as she behaved like nothing ever happened and cared more than ever. She had the same things to say and she always has been saying "Friends only"

For ten months we mailed and I kept telling her how I felt about her and my bad temperament showed up each time she said "Friends only" and tried explaining that to me. Fights often were a part of emailing.

I sent her a lot of gifts and candies and told her why I was sending. She was reluctant at the beginning but accepted later.

 

So now it's been about a year, I'm back in India, we met couple times but stay hundred miles apart and I don't visit her town very often. I've always had hopes that she might change one fine day.

We text a lot, fights have always been there but we get back again, normal and happy. I've always been nice to her she always has but she hasn't budged an inch, she still goes by "friends only".

She once said she had no problems me liking her and I guess that was just a mask to terminate the disputes between us. Therefore I treat her like my girlfriend calling her sweetnames and endearments and she doesn't mind!

She always keeps me updated on what she's upto on messaging like a daily diary entry and I don't understand why she has to do that if it's just friendship that she needs... She doesn't use me as an emotional supporting tool or a doormat or discuss familial problems like some do.

I get furious sometimes cause she doesn't call as much as I do (but texts a lot, a lot infact) and doesn't do as much as I did for her. I've been overly nice to her and she has been to but restricted only on texting and nothing more than that.

I have a feeling she doesn't confide her feelings and keep it concealed just not to throw hopes, cause she already has had to accept for an arrange marriage sometime in the future (doesn't want to let her parents down). But I would've been happy and tried taking it to the next level only if she told me she loved me or maybe she really doesn't love me.

 

Sadly, these days she's sick of the silly fights and my emotional messages don't prove anything to her and almost ignores them. But then she gets back to normal after I crazily apologize. But she doesn't keep me posted like she used since 2 weeks 'cause we've had the worst fights.

 

I know I've exceeded the bounds but I'm beginning to feel she used me in someway after going through lots of FRIENDZONE/NICE GUY forums and blogs. I've been nice to her and have been there at her fingertips but don't think she can or she feels she could do as much as I do for her.

 

I'm not sure as to how she'd still feel comfortable talking to me even after me admitting my feelings to her often and me treating her like a girlfriend. Am I friendzoned ? I can't stay a friend since I'll be hurt to see her getting engaged or married if it's soon.

Should I keep going as during this, I know I'll be a lot hurt and agonized as I'm sensitive. Are there any chances that she'd change? Or it's best if I cut all the contacts with her so a load is off my chest (I'd still be longing for her but it'll rule out the disputes).

 

Thanks.

[pier39lab]

Update:

I personally think I need to move on and cut all the contacts with her cause I don't see it go anywhere. I've tried doing this a couple times for like 3 days not replying to her messages but when she tried (not too hard) to get me back, I'd run like a moon-eyed puppy dog. How do I go about this?