Stuck inbetween two worlds

[BigBrew]

Well this might get long - so sorry in advance but I'll try to sum it all up.

 

Basically I'm torn.

 

I have been friends with a guy for about 14 years now, and we will call him Dan. Dan and I have been best buds since the teenage years- well his not mine. I'm 4 years older. I'm in my 30's now and he's in his late 20's. Dan at the age of 20 went off and married a girl from a country that is prodominatly muslim. But the marriage has never really been a marriage. They haven't been together sexually in nearly 10 years. She has had a boyfriend for the last 4, and they have lived seperately for the last year. I mean it is quintesentially the married too young blah blah story.

 

So that is the friend. Now my boyfriend... who I'll call Steve.

We've had an LDR for 6 years now, and I'm basically ok with it. But the last few month things have been dwindling down. Its not the first time we've gone on a "break" from one another. It happends. I do love him, at least I think I do.

 

Now I look at it like this I'm blessed to have two completely wonderful men in my life who have showed me a great many of things I never thought myself capable of... but I really don't know what to do because... well as you guessed by now, I think I'm starting to have feelings for Dan.

 

Over the last few months he has constantly mentioned that he wants us to get married and i kind of just push it off because well... I know he's still dealing with his marriage. And before you all ask why doesn't he get divorced. He wants to wait until she is legal - for those in america you know what I mean. I clearly understand why so I don't knock it. She can't go home especially after having been maried to an american so I get he wants to make sure she is safe. So do I, and I think this admirable no matter what.

 

At anyrate, this past weekend Dan and I went on a little mini road-trip. Now Steve knows about the trip and knows who I went with etc. I have never told him of any advances by Dan, and for the first time ever, he made a comment to me about not getting carried away while I was gone. Normally Steve is quite ambilivant toward my male friends. ( as I have a whole slew of them) So he's use to me going off and trekking through the wilderness with the boys, nothing new. But this time was different.

 

So this weekend, Dan and i start out on our road trip and he begins to ask me of my plans with Steve for the future, and I tell him I'm not sure what the deal is. Sometimes I'm more than happy other times- well like the saying goes I could've had a V-8... you know. Everyone tells me is normal and that the way things are when you get settled in a relationship and it becomes comfortable.

Dan then says if you wanted to marry him or be with him you would have done it already so why are you prolonging the enevitable. I shrug it off and don't think about it. So we get to where we're going camping at, and spend the next day, just having fun etc. Normal.

So sunday morning i wake up and find him, well having some self-relations-- next to me in the tent. At first I dismiss and say well- boys do things in their sleep and let it go. I get up go to the bathroom, come back and He asks me if I'm up up for the morning. I said pretty much. Now mind you we are having this conversation, while he's still stoking the pole. And I ask him he wants to sleep a little longer. He said no I'm awake. I said ok, then go back out the tent. More or less to give myself a minute to recover and not laugh-and then ask what the hell is going on.

 

So few minutes later, I yell to him that I'm going to go for a swim in the lake, and I'll see him when he gets up. about an hour later, he's up doing whatever. we get dressed start our days hike, and while we're walking, he asks if i slept well, and I say never better, how's he sleep, and he says he couldn't because he was completely sexually frustrated. I say well that is too bad, and promptly change the subject. 3 hours later he moves back on to this topic, and I change the subject. Mostly because i really just don't know how to respond.

 

The next day we set out back home, nothings uncomfortable. just same old same playful banter. Then we get to my house and I'm saying good bye and he kisses me. Not like a normal kiss..goodbye peck on the lips. I smiled and said okay well talk to you later.

 

We go our own ways, tuesday comes along and first thing tuesday morning -- Both Steve and Dan IM simultaneously. I'm sitting trying to digest all this. Dan's IM - " I think we should get married"

Steve's -- was a little more subdued--our typical banter about what happend over the weekend.

 

So here is the thing, long ago if Dan hadn't married this girl I'm sure we'd probably ended up together. All our friends think we're already like an old married couple to begin with. Over the years - with other boy friends, my bosses have even made comments, when ever they see me with Dan, one said I think your with the wrong guy (in relation to my Ex). My mother adores Dan, thinks he's sexy as hell. LOL - I think he's a complete dork... but a cutie pie too. But I think they all just don't want to root for Steve because it would cause me to have to move to Scottland.

 

I have a lot in common with both. Steve has taught me to love like no one i have ever know before. And Dan is that person who is just like my stength - you know.. the guy you always feel safe with no matter what.

 

So I am confused. What do I do?