What is wrong with me? I stayed in a relationship where I received little

[LondonChick]

For 5 and a half years I stayed in a relationship where I received little. There was lack of love, in my times of need my ex was never there to support me. All he ever did was cause me heartache.

 

Yesterday by chance, my best friend bumped into two of my ex's friends and they started to talk about my relationship with my ex.

So many things came to light such as, he never told them that we had been together for 5 and a half years, he actually them that he used to to see me so that we could have sex!!!

 

As far as they were concerned we had stopped seeing each other in 1998!

 

THERE'S MORE!

 

We broke up in April and within two weeks he had found someone else. By June he was contacting me telling me he and the girl had broken up. The stupid thing is, part of me wanted to go back to him, I still loved him. So not knowing what I know now, we started seeing each other again. We both decided that we would take things slowly, but something inside of me just didnt feel right.

 

Now I know why, he is still seeing this girl he has told his friends that she is his soulmate, but missed out the fact that he was seeing me. His friends are confused by his behaviour, they feel betrayed because he had lied to them for so many years, and I feel like a fool.

 

I feel like a fool because I could see from the begining of the 'relationship' that he wasnt right for me. Deep down I always thought I could be with someone who would treat me a lot better, but I stayed.

 

His friends thought I was mad because he told them that I was always ringing him, going round to see him, basically I just wouldnt leave him alone. That explains the negative reactions I would receive from his other friends.

 

Hearing all this last night made me feel shocked at first. I spoke to him about the situation, he admits that he had led me on for all those years, but then turned around and said that if I didnt feel he was treating me right , then I should have walked away, he never forced me to stay.

 

And you know what, he is right. I should have walked away long ago. But I held on and listened to his lies and the occasional declarations of love. Right now I dont feel like I can like me.

 

There is a lot more that I dont know, his friends have decided that I dont need to know everything, and as far as I am concerned they are right.

 

Right now my self esteem is even lower than it usually is. I dont know how to start a new chapter in my life, I afraid of making the same mistakes. All I have met in my life are men who dont respect me, I had hoped that my ex would be different. W hat can I do to stop these feelings of self hate? How can I learn to value myself? Help!!!

[MercyRose]

You are allowed to make mistakes.

 

You are allowed to learn from your mistakes at your own pace.

 

You are not allowed to blame yourself for learning from your mistakes at a slower pace than you think you should.

 

You are not allowed to think you will only end up with men who don't respect you.

 

When you realise that all you need to do is respect yourself and get rid of people in your life who don't treat you with the respect you deserve you will have finally learnt from your mistakes.

 

If we didn't make mistakes how could we possibly learn from them and grow.

 

Just know you deserve the best and expect to be treated likewise.

 

You cannot make yourself believe that, it must come naturally by learning from these experiences.

 

It must unfold inside yourself as a realization. And I believe you are nearly there.

 

You have accepted that you could have walked away, this is the first step and the most important.

 

Good luck.

[midori]

Originally posted by LondonChick

Right now my self esteem is even lower than it usually is. I dont know how to start a new chapter in my life, I afraid of making the same mistakes. All I have met in my life are men who dont respect me, I had hoped that my ex would be different. W hat can I do to stop these feelings of self hate? How can I learn to value myself? Help!!!

 

There is nothing wrong with you LondonChick. You saw him through the lens of your love for him, and thus you didn't see the inconsistencies between what he was telling you and the larger scope of his behavior.

 

I'll bet you have met men who respect you, but for some reason you chose to love those who don't. It's probably not because you seek out men who don't respect you. There's probably some other, co-occuring characteristic in them that attracts you. You might have to put some thought into it to figure out what those characteristics might be. But when you do, you'll see that you are not doomed to choose bad guys who lie to you.

 

In the meantime go forward a bit more alert. One big symptom that you apparently missed with your ex was the fact that you never interacted with his friends as a couple. That should have struck you as very strange.

 

If running into his friends and/or him is unavoidable, well at least try to minimize your interaction with them. Not because you should be embarrassed or because you owe them any kind of explanation, but because further discussion of your awful ex will only prolong your pain.

 

It sounds like your ex is fundamentally dishonest, emotionally manipulative, and very very troubled. Let's see: he's met his soulmate, but he was seeing you on the side? Um, yeah. Way to treat your soulmate! THAT's quite a discrepancy.

 

I know you're probably wishing for so many things right now in connection to your ex: vindication, revenge, answers. Especially answers. But he can't provide them. The only answer is that he's a very messed up guy, and you are very lucky to not be permanently attached to him. Thank goodness.

 

You'll get through this. Go outside your ordinary routine a bit. Hang out in different bars or pubs. Go shopping on a different high street. Start an activity that you always have been interested in but never investigated -- like a language class or a dance class. There is nothing wrong with you; you just need to find a different scene, populated with new people.

 

Good luck

[midori]

great advice

[LondonChick]

Thanks to both of you for your words of encouragement. I suppose I am being a little hard on myself. I met this guy at a point in my life where I was extremely vulnerable. I usually meet these type of guys when I am vulnerable!

 

Since Thursday I have spoken to my ex trying to get some answers (I have been surprisingly calm!), But now I have decided that I dont need any more answers as to why he did what he did. His problem is his problem. He can no longer hurt me and I will not dwell on the past.

 

Right now I just want to work on my self esteem, love myself more and try to be a little more objective when it comes to me and men.

 

While I am alive and walking on this earth there is still hope.

[Sarrow]

Good spirit hun,

 

It seems the more I get out the more I see things, the less ammount of nice guys there are out there in this world. Creeps and jerks are a dime a dozen.

 

Sounds like ya have a good head on your shoulders, just be wise, and remember asken questions never hurt anyone, that I can think of anyway.

Good luck~

[katrollins]

Hey i kinda know how you feel. i think i may be in a similar boat. i have been seeing my guy for 4 yrs and he makes me feel like i am nothing to him most of the time. we are constently saying no more but it never happens. i just hope that someday i can be as strong as you and get out. good luck and i admire you.

[Tony T]

Not paying attention to important detail is the source of most unhappiness in and failure of relationships. If you get used to being treated very well, you won't put up with less than that. That is the lesson I hope you learned from this and I hope you will cease analyzing your previous relationship and make the next one the happiest it can be. Looking back constantly and hitting your head against a wall for the mistakes you may have made is not productive. And remember, we do not grow as people if our lives and relationships are perfect. Only mistakes help us to become better people.

 

My prayers are with you.