Self Sabatoge

[EnigmasMuse]

Why do you think some people sabatoge themselves? Everything they do, everything they think and feel etc? Do you also believe if they sabatoge themselves then, they can others too, like if they are in a relationship?

 

It's kind of like having the mindset that something will fail or not work out before they even try? What makes some people do this?

[Trialbyfire]

I don't know what causes this but I've seen it in action. Perhaps it's either or a combination of the following:

1. A preemptive strike due to fear of failure (ego/pride).
   
2. A dislike or fear of change of lifestyle.
   
3. A fear of commitment.
   

[EnigmasMuse]

I don't know what causes this but I've seen it in action. Perhaps it's either or a combination of the following:

1. A preemptive strike due to fear of failure (ego/pride).
   
2. A dislike or fear of change of lifestyle.
   
3. A fear of commitment.
   

 

 

What would maybe cause those three things though?

 

I ask this because I see a friend of mine who is doing this to herself right now. It's sad. I'm there for her and I listen and give her a shoulder to lean on. I think its obvious she is somewhat depressed.

 

She will shoot down anything anyone suggests to her about anything before she even tries. She used to not be like this. But now it seems when things get tough she just throws up her hands and gives up. Her motto now seems to be, "It wont matter anyway." I truly beleive that she believes this too. I wish she would change her way of thinking but she is so negative. She talks about this rut she is in, or how tired she is of spinning her wheels, but makes no attempt to do anything about anything.

[Trialbyfire]

What would maybe cause those three things though?

 

I ask this because I see a friend of mine who is doing this to herself right now. It's sad. I'm there for her and I listen and give her a shoulder to lean on. I think its obvious she is somewhat depressed.

 

She will shoot down anything anyone suggests to her about anything before she even tries. She used to not be like this. But now it seems when things get tough she just throws up her hands and gives up. Her motto now seems to be, "It wont matter anyway." I truly beleive that she believes this too. I wish she would change her way of thinking but she is so negative. She talks about this rut she is in, or how tired she is of spinning her wheels, but makes no attempt to do anything about anything.

What's her background like? Relationships, etc. Is she the one who gets dumped consistently? What was her family situation like?

[EnigmasMuse]

What's her background like? Relationships, etc. Is she the one who gets dumped consistently? What was her family situation like?

 

 

I'm glad you brought that up about her family situation.

 

She has told me in the past she grew up with a mother who ridiculed or critisized her. A father who was never around because he was out porking other women. Both her parents were ones who would sweep things under the rug and not deal with things.

 

Her relationships would be ok,then she would put a wall up if they got to close and distance herself which led to the relationships ending.

 

Great role models she had huh?

[Trialbyfire]

I'm glad you brought that up about her family situation.

 

She has told me in the past she grew up with a mother who ridiculed or critisized her. A father who was never around because he was out porking other women. Both her parents were ones who would sweep things under the rug and not deal with things.

Refer to #1 and #3, of what I mentioned.

 

Her relationships would be ok,then she would put a wall up if they got to close and distance herself which led to the relationships ending.

 

Great role models she had huh?

Refer to #3.

 

She needs to address these issues in therapy or at least learn to understand that this type of dysfunctional family unit can have major impact on how she handles her own relationships. Once she accepts the latter, she needs to do the former. There's a lot of baggage rattling around in her brain. She greatly desires intimacy but is incredibly afraid of it. No wonder she's trapped in the dead zone.

[lino]

It's kind of like having the mindset that something will fail or not work out before they even try? What makes some people do this?

 

 

In my case it's like this:

I have this mindset now with any relationships I'll have in the future. I didn't think that way even 2 years ago but after what's happened in my past and in particular the last 2 years I don't know which other way to think

 

Funny thing is that now I've been in a FWB situation for almost a year. I've never been in a real or serious relationship before but that's the longest more-than-platonic relationship I've ever had with a woman. I don't really know what to make of it.

[georgejungle]

I think it's a constant fear of failure. I have a friend

like this. He's the most negative thinking dude out there.

I'm a fairly optimistic, i can have my down days, but i don't

think negative all the time. What's the point? Why ruin my chances

of feeling good?

 

I think it comes from upbringing. But it CAN be changed. It's all how

you deal with it. I'm not saying it's a "feel sorry for me because my

Mom was an ass to me growing up" kinda thing...Because you can choose

to change.

 

My Negative thinking Buddy comes from a broken home, doesn't see his

Dad, won't talk to his Mom. I come from a broken home too, Dad didn't

nuture tons and Mom would go thru depressions and throw guilt trips

on me, which left me a little insecure in my early adult life but i'm

an optimistic person, i choose to look on the bright side a lot of

the time.

 

In Relationships, i've always been cool, mild tempered, never laid any

guilt trips, have always been fair, etc etc.