having some problems communicating and boredom

[omegaz187]

is there anyone that can help??

 

im having a problem with my girlfriend. she tells me that

i dont bring nothing new to the table (meaning conversation wise)

but i find it kind of hard to find conversation. why is it that i find it hard to talk to her but i dont find it hard to talk to people i work with about different things?

also a problem is that im kind of a quiet guy and i hold back from telling her my feelings alot. is there anyway i can overcome this problem of mine? I really care about her and im not trying to lose her.

[MercyRose]

You cannot change who you are and nobody should ask you to.

 

You are not going to like hearing this, but have you considered that you are just incompatible?

[mea]

Tell her to kiss ur ass!

[moimeme]

I completely disagree with the other two.

 

You cannot change who you are

 

Bull. You can change a great deal of 'who you are'. You should probably not change your values, but certainly there is such a thing as changeworthy behaviour and people can certainly change their behaviour.

 

What ever happened to trying to improve oneself? There is not one single person who is so perfect at this moment that he or she cannot stand some improvement. Your attitudes are ridiculous, mea and Mercy Rose.

 

I think it is a HUGE mistake to decide that one is perfect exactly the way one is. This fellow says he can't converse with his GF - well, nobody will want a guy with no conversation. He won't share feelings with her - this is a very serious problem in any relationship. You can't just hide behind 'I'm a quiet guy' to chicken out of behaving like a mature adult in a relationship. If you are so 'quiet' that you don't want to share your thoughts and feelings, then you don't belong in any relationship.

 

Omegaz, you are going to have to figure out why you don't or can't speak to her. Are you afraid of her disapproval? Is it because you disagree with a lot of what she says and you don't want her to know?

I don't think you are 'quiet'. I think you are scared. Yes, it is scary to open up to another because that makes you vulnerable but if she is being open to you, she is being vulnerable to you and you cannot have a relationship in balance unless you do the same. If you truly don't want to lose her, then change. It isn't that hard.

[Curt]

Although it is certainly not completely in the domain of the ladies, the ability to share ideas, feelings, opinions, etc. appears to be a real strength that women develop from an early age. A number of men can share with the best of them, (some of those men are here on this website I think) but in general, I think we lag behind a bit with respect to this skill.

 

I don't think that it really arises as a result of men not truly wanting to change, be more open, or be available emotionally to the women they love. It is sometimes just that men have been "socialized" a bit differently than the ladies.

 

In fact, I believe that, to some extent, men continue to be socialized as such because society at large accepts (and promotes?) this as a gender difference, as just "the way men are."

 

I suppose it all begs the question of how many women would want their man to be as "in touch" emotionally (and be willing to have them display as such) as they are themselves. Sometimes, men see this outward, communicative display of feelings as just "unmanly" or extreme.

 

Again, that is not to say that men don't want their feelings, ideas, loves, hates, etc. to be revealed to their partners. In fact, I would suggest that all men can probably agree that it is essential to a strong, reciprocal, and respectful relationship between partners.

 

Nonetheless, this amount of giving (for the male) will not only be a matter of willingness to share on his part, but it will also require patience on the part of the female. In other words, sometimes I think it is a matter that a woman can help a man with, in that she can help "draw" him "out of himself". That will take time, but I am sure it is something that women can facilitate with their mates. Afterall, this is a skill that women know intricately.

 

Once he does share more, it will be important for her to accept his feelings, opinions, and ideas without making them a matter of judgement OF HIM as a person. It's fine and dandy to disagree with him on it, it's fine to feel that his opinion(s) or feeling(s) are not what you believe in/feel. However, those are his thoughts. It is important that women respect that.

 

While telling the woman you love "how you feel/think/etc" is a risk, and sometimes quite difficult, it is crucial to a loving bond between two people.

 

Even if this leads to you both realizing that you are quite different than each other, (or that you are incompatible) it needs to be done to ensure that you can both grow together.

 

Keep the lines of communication open.

 

I wish you both well.

 

Curt